Adult daughter too dependent on us with sick grandchild

when you try and discuss with your daughter how she can be helped so that she can care for her children she threatens estrangement. But surely that would mean she would have to look after the children herself. It sounds a very empty threat
she's threatening to shoot herself in the foot if you dont comply with her, presumably what will happen is that she will make some performance of cutting you out of her life, then she will let her own life fall apart further so that the children suffer and she will then make this the OP's fault. 'Look what you made me do' etc, emotional blackmail is another word for this

You are really caught between a rock and a hard place mebster. You are taking responsibility for your grandchildren , including a very sick one, because their mother is struggling, and their father seems to also be overwhelmed by everything, but when you try and discuss with your daughter how she can be helped so that she can care for her children she threatens estrangement . But surely that would mean she would have to look after the children herself. It sounds a very empty threat.

I thik you have three choices:
1) continue as at present
2) Start a quiet withdrawal from childcare. Use age and infirmity (real or otherwise) to say that you cannot continue as at present or your health will fail and that you need a couple of days a week to yourself to recoup from the help you offer on the other 5 days and then keep handing care back until you get the balance you do genuinely need. Point out that if you have a health breakdown, all childcare will be impossible and she will need to do it all
3) Given that the estrangement threat is an empty threat, you might point out that if she did cut you off she would have to take on all the childcare and that she needs to see a doctor and get her own health problems sorted. Whether they are physical or mental, and both are equally probable, they are making her life a misery and if she could get medical care, life would be so much better at every level.

"Her husband is very defensive on her behalf but he is working full time and doing more time at hospital than she does (she is a stay at home mom)"

Wait... does "at the hospital' mean visiting OGS at the hospital? DD may feel she needs to divide herself more between her two boys/between the hospital and home, so that YGS doesn't feel left out or as if OGS is being favored?

I understand your concerns about DD, and I'm sure I would feel the same way about them. I'm just not certain you're giving her enough credit for the good things she is doing. Perhaps I'm wrong.

My heart goes out to you and your family, Mebster. What a difficult time for you all!

Bless you and DH for being there for your ill GS, as well as his younger brother. You are clearly making sacrifices to do it, and I'm sorry about that, but trust they will be worth it in the end. Kudos to you for giving a month to taking OGS (older grandson) to that out-of-state rehab, I'm glad DD is staying home w/ YGS (younger grandson), somebody has to.

Not sure how to measure care in percentages. But if you and DH are doing 70% of the care, that means DD is doing 30%, plus perhaps cooking and laundry, etc? It may be difficult for her to face more than that, especially if she needs medication.

In fact, I'm sorry DD went off her meds, and I imagine that might be partly responsible for the drastic weight gain and the fatigue. I agree she should get counseling and resume her meds. But she and SIL have threatened CO if you suggest that again. IDK how they could go through w/ that since they depend on you so much for OGS' (older grandson's) care. But they might have another carer in mind. So IDK if bringing up this topic again is a good idea, unless you're willing to risk estrangement.

What I think you MIGHT do, after you return from the month at OGS' rehab, is to let DD and SIL know you can't do as much any more/have to cut back on the time you give to them. See if the 4 of you can come up w/ a more workable schedule. It may inspire both DD and SIL to step up a little more. Or not. That will be up to them.

I meant isn’t she lucky that you are a coper!

Did you have a good relationship with your daughter before this awful situation arose?
Some people just can’t cope, I joked on another thread that I would come back as a woman that can’t!
Maybe your daughter is one off those. Isn’t she lucky that you are.
If you are a coper then keep coping as long as you can, it is hard for all of you.
I wish all of you the best result.

i m trying to work out whether are looking for support or advice
So I ll dig in anyway, first you sound as if you are doing a fantastic job in helping out with your two grandsons and unfortunately you are having to make a huge sacrifice in your own life, but that’s what happens sometimes with families
I presume you have two different things going on, your own exhausting help and worry for your grandson and your concern (and dare I say a bit of resentment) about your daughters state of life I not sure what size 2 and 18 are I think your sizes are a couple lower than ours so I’m guessing she’s a size 22, so a large lady, which will make her tired and probably depressed
What tablets did she stop taking and for what?
You sound a little bit annoyed that you are taking the I grandson out of state for a month while mum stays at home but you must have offered that help and what a privilege to spend a month with your ill little chap
How long has your grandson been ill/diagnosed?
Is he terminal? Leukaemia can be cured
Have I got this right you want
* Your daughter to see a professional over her weight and possible depression
* your daughter to start taking some meds she stopped taking (why did she stop?)
* more help for you to continue giving the major load of care
I don’t agree with bradfordlass to give up on her she needs help and attention too
Can you have a family pow wow, a nice get together perhaps a meal , before you go away and say what is needed in the way of support What you can offer and what she and her husband need to do to make this work for you all if necessary make up a Rota for the whole family per week to work to I know it sounds a bit formal to do that but if it can get you all to work together will be worth it
Good luck

Your poor daughter. She must be going through hell.

I know others may not agree with me but if I were you, I would leave daughter's problems aside and get help for yourself if it's available.

Clearly your ideas about what she should do to help herself are falling on deaf ears - so concentrate on doing the best you can for the grand-children, just as if she doesn't exist, because for all the good she is, she may as well be in Iceland .
You are expecting her to fill a role she cannot - and are disappointed when reality doesn't match expectations.

What extra help is available for YOU. You sound to be in the USA (Happy 4th July by the way) so perhap medical insurance covers someone to come in and give you a break, so you can pick up a few threads of social life?

If your friends are worth it, they'll hang around until you are free to meet up.

In any event, write the poor lass off for now and look at other options.

What condition did your daughter have to be taking meds before Mebster? To sleep a lot, as well as continually saying she is exhausted isn't normal for a young woman and she does need to see the doctor. It sounds as though she's frightened and can't face it alone, could you go with her?

I hope your grandson enjoys the different environment and people at his rehab, hard as it will be.

Keep your chin up.

sounds to me that your daughter needs defending by her husband I am glad her marriage is in good order . Perhaps I am missing something due to cultural differences UK/USA but you sound very critical in every way of your daughter and resent the help you are giving that is not helpful ! If I were in this situation Iwould be turning myself inside out to help in every way I could You complain of giving your social life up Your grandchild is fighting for his life !

I think we are offering more than full support and have not been critical except to ask that she see a counselor and consider going back on meds that she apparently rejected at the suggestion of her spouse, who has no medical training.
We are older and right now our entire lives are devoted to grandchildren, which is as it should be, but we're losing contact with friends because we're never available anymore and now this extended absence is coming up. We're just trying to find some balance. Our friends were hugely supportive at first but our daughter doesn't accept their offers to help care for the kids and we are simply too busy for outings.

Mebster though we would never threaten estrangement
Why did you feel you need to make this point?
I am afraid that you do sound critical, perhaps understandable as you are all under huge strain, but the parents and their 2 children need your full support and not to have their parenting called into question.

We have NEVER threatened estrangement. Quite the opposite. They have threatened this whenever we ask that she seek help.

I get what you're saying Mawbroonsback but it sounds like the GPs are pretty shattered too. I feel sorry for you all. The daughter definitely needs some help. Someone needs to talk to her.

I cant believe you would even think of the e-word under the circumstances..
Of course she is giving her other child attention, she will be gaining some comfort from that too, being able to be a “normal” mum of a healthy child, you must realise how damaging it is to any child if they are neglected because they have a sibling who is seriously, possibly terminally ill. She is dealing with the dreadful trauma of possibly losing a son in the only way she can and I would have thought you would all be working together instead of finding fault.
Of course she is exhausted, you probably all are. If she has gained weight that is not unusual in the circumstances, tired, depressed and probably snatching food when she can. Having a terminally ill child is not the time to worry about healthy eating or taking exercise.
You are doing a great job as a grandmother as I would hope I would if ever I were faced with these tragic circumstances and indeed my MiL was when our little boy died.
These are sad sad times so please stay patient, tolerant and do not count the %of care you are undertaking, you are all under strain and only couples who have lost a child at whatever age can fully know what hell they are going through.

Could she be depressed?