Can't take it any more

MOnica, I agree that SJ23 should seek advice asap. Her 'partner' may claim that he has rights as he's paid for improvements although I doubt that a court would agree. There's some useful info here:
www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/your-options-for-legal-or-financial-advice-on-separation

Hetty my apologies for confusing your name and that of the OP. When one is dipping in and out of a thread over days and sometimes weeks, it can get confusing.

Having said that, I do not withdraw my comment about Stockholm Syndrome. The OP lists a whole pattern of bullying and threatening behaviour - and I have just reread the OP - the OP says
^ I then feel very bad and guilty as know I could be doing more to make him feel at home, and be less aggressive -^

Why on earth should she feel it is her fault after the behaviour she has listed? She is beginning to identify with his problems and feel responsible for them.

As for his 'rights' and any threat of legal action. The OP offered him temporary accommodation after the death of his parents until he got himself sorted. He has no 'rights' of any kind. There is no tenancy or lodger's agreement, implicit or explicit, he does not have his own room. He is quite literally a 'sofa-surfer'. At one point he was making a contribution to household expenses, a standard arrangement between partners. He is now making no contribution to the household expenses at all. Even if he was paying towards them, he would still have no rights. When asked to go he has to go and she can get the police to evict him if he does not go.

As for taking her to court to make her repay him for money he has chosen to spend on you or your house is ridiculous. You did not ask him to get work done to your house and he chose to spend money on you. Any solicitor will tell him he doesn't have any leg to stand on to back such demands.

SJ23 should go and talk to Citizen's Advice. They will tell her, officially, that he has no rights at all and she can counter his threats with their information.

I wonder why the man did not stay in his parents' home when they died? Will he inherit all the money from the sale or is it being sold to pay off debts, loans, annuities, bequests? Was there a charge on the house for care?
Perhaps he has insufficient money to live on.
Not the concern of the OP, anyway.
This situation reminds me of the book Falling by Elizabeth Jane Howard concerning a middle aged lady who falls prey to a conman. It shows exactly how a man attempts to control a woman for his own financial ends. She eventually has to evict him , and this is where husbands and adult sons of friends might come in useful. Might put the situation in perspective.

Hetty As Starlady says it does not matter whether this man is a bad man or a damaged individual with mental health problems. You were not put on this earth to pander to his needs and wants at the expense of your own security, peace of mind and choices. On the other hand, you DO have a responsibility to care for your Mother whether you do that personally or arrange for her care and support via SS. She has to be your priority (if you cannot put yourself first) and you will be unable to look after her successfully while you are embroiled in all this aggravation from this bully.

As others have suggested, I would recommend that your local Women's Aid Group should be your first point of contact. They have the experience and knowledge of the issues and can offer the full package of the support you need from Counselling and emotional support, basic legal and financial advice, to a safe place to stay if that becomes necessary

You are being emotionally abused. Save yourself. Get him out before your identity is lost. You’ll manage. You’re stronger than you think.

Tillybelle, your posts are very impressive.

Hetty, no matter if this man is a "bad man" or not, it's clear he and the OP are not really happy living together. It's time for her to reclaim her space.

Lorelie - good advice about how to answer this man's threats and about seeking legal advice!

I don't like to go for the blunt solution as a first point of call but after reading your post I do feel you might be better off without this man in your life and your home. You would learn coping strategies, make friends, be able to invite people into your home that don't cramp, coerce, control etc and make your own decisions on what you do or don't want done around the house. I can understand not wanting to be alone, but being lonely in a relationship can be even worse! You deserve a healthy happy relationship. He is using emotional and financial blackmail as well as possible physical intimidation - he knows about your car accident and your mother's cancer & dementia and is just using them as extra battering rams. As he has had a considerable inheritance he should be paying his way and you would be well within your rights to demand he pay his way - this may turn out to be just the leverage you need to rid yourself of this freeloading bully. I'm angry on your behalf and want to advise chucking all his shit and him out! You sound like a nicer person than me but the sentiment is the same - get rid for your own wellbeing and sanity (and the health of your beloved cat) - if he refuses resort to the police or anyone else but please don't continue to tolerate his crap.

Oh, and as for his threat of court action, tell him you would counter-sue for rent, bills, storage costs (big fat ones for every inch of space full of his crap) etc - don't be bullied. See a solicitor or talk to CAB or a local supportive charity, women's refuge, anyone that can help.

Thinking of you

I think the earlier suggestion of explaining to him that you have not been able to adjust to living with him after being alone for so long is a good one. You do not need to be unpleasant, just sad but firm that this is not working for you. You could even help him look for somewhere to live.
The broken record technique does work you simply repeat over and over " This is not working for me".

Tillybelle
Amazing posts from you. Great insights.
Dawn.

MOnica, Stockholm Syndrome? Hardly (I'm not the victim) merely an attempt to explain, rather than excuse the behaviour. I see a disturbed and frightened chap, one who's been either married or living with parents, terrified of being alone and trying to control his 'partner' and world.

Tillybelle, you seem to be convinced that he is a bad man, incapable of feeling any emotion and entirely self-centred, also that he has always been that way. SJ23, who's known him for twenty years, stated that he was fond of his father and also her mother. Do you believe it's all been a big, elaborate act for such a long time and SJ23 has been hoodwinked by it. Isn't that assumption a little insulting? I'd guess that the history is a lot more complicated.

We don't have the whole picture or all the facts either. Is the OP's mum in residential or home care? Who is paying? Does he now have his inheritance and the means to house himself? SJ23 is well aware of her feelings of desperation and her desire to live alone so the bullying hasn't been successful - thank Heavens!

M0nica. I am overcome by your very kind comments! Thank you so much! I find your messages always very helpful and so well-written. You have such a skill for seeing the point and expressing it precisely and with kindness and care. I always enjoy reading them.

P.S. there can be no bullying without a victim. Exactly. It has been shown that certain coercive and controlling men who are very nasty bullies, seek out a particular type of person. They look for a person high in empathy, and they test this out before they decide to invest their time in that person.

The relationship goes in stages. The beginning is wonderful for the Victim as the Controller woos her and makes her his promising all sorts of wonderful things and telling her little things about himself like how difficult his life is. This is how he tests her to see how she reacts, if she is very understanding and sorry for him he knows she will be a person he can coerce and bully. The second part is the stage when he becomes himself and is nasty to her and controls her. The third stage does not always happen but is when he discards her.

I suspect he showed signs of the controlling and coercive person he it even before he moved in but she brushed it aside. She was able to go home and be free of him, he knew he must not go too far or one day he might lose her and the chance of a place to live. Also I suspect he was very controlling with one or both parents and this was the object of his attention in that respect at the time.

Hetty58. Yes, once we get into detail we are very close in agreement. It's frustrating sometimes when writing because there is just that short "bit" to interpret. A conversation between us would almost certainly reveal a great deal of agreement! ?
I don't know if I said, I was first in Teaching in a variety of roles, then I did the Psychology degree during which my husband died. Instead of becoming an Educational Psychologist I first worked at the Institute of Psychiatry then did a post grad at The Institute of Neurology so ultimately became a Neuropsychologist. As I did a lot of Research, I decided to study Counselling because so many people who volunteered to help with the research saw a Psychologist as a Counsellor. I used to offer two or three sessions of counselling free to those people after they had finished in the Research part of the work. I felt it was the least I could do for them and I met such lovely people. Of course I met more disturbed and difficult people in my work at the Institute of Psychiatry. I found the journey excruciating otherwise I probably wouldn't have done the course at the Inst of Neurology. But I did love that!

Tillybelle, absolutely brilliant. You have filleted the problem like a fish and laid out what is actually happening like the spine in the centre.

Every action,every word he uses is coercive. hetty is beginning to show all the signs of the Stockholm Syndrome where the hostage begins to develop feelings of trust or affection towards the captor. hetty is making excuses for him and seems to think he cares. He doesn't.

Harrigran that plot in Coronation Street is cleverly written, it took me a few episodes to start realising what was happening, just like the reality of the OP, slow, steady undermining of your ability to make decisions and to be independent.

Tillybelle, I probably agree with you far more than you think. I'm just interpreting the situation a little differently. I don't believe that bad behaviour makes a person bad. We can all (myself included) behave very badly in certain circumstances.

SJ23 is discussing her partner of 20 years and he can't be all bad or why on Earth would they have had such a long relationship. Having been married to a Psychologist, I can't agree that a person's behaviour patterns are set and stable. A breakdown or mental illness can drastically change how they react. I like to believe that we can improve as well.

Perhaps, though, you're right in that his public and private personas are very different (as seems quite common) and SJ23 has only found out the truth since living with him. I agree that he's very abusive and has to leave.

Of course, there can be no bullying without a victim. SJ23 has allowed the problem to escalate and now needs practical help and support to get him out and then stop all contact, perhaps with a restraining order.

Hetty58

I am sorry to say I do find him to be a bad man. I read carefully through the OP's letter which I copied out and highlighted the parts where he is being difficult and causing her problems and making her life intolerable in deliberate and knowing ways so as to manipulate her to get what he wants. This would show not a good man doing bad things but a bad man. A bad man deliberately does bad things.

I thought I would quote these to explain why I thought he was responsible for such behaviour and was deliberately using SJ to take over her house and to brow beat her so that he could take up permanent residence there and do as he pleased. I was going to explain that these showed he was a bad man, an abusive man. However, I found so many! (I think it was 33) They constitute practically the whole of the script! It would be unfeasible to keep quoting them. He is clearly a very unreasonable and selfish man. He is doing dreadful things in a house which belongs to the person he calls his Partner. A house which is not his at all but was her home and he is using it in such a way as to detrimentally alter her life, make her home into somewhere she cannot be happy. He is refusing to do as she asks regarding how she runs her home, and has effectively taken over as if it is his right to do as he pleases without permission. Now he is not even contributing to the costs of staying there! He is shouting, arguing, speaking abusively to her! He is not looking after the cat, because he is over-feeding it against her wishes and it is not his cat. He is even manipulating the cat to like him more than its owner! How low can he stoop?

Sorry, Hetty, I do not see any good in this man. I see manipulation, passive aggression, overt aggression, threatening behaviour and vast amounts of controlling and coercive behaviour. To order workmen to do work on a house that is not your own without the owner's consent is diabolical! He is behaving like a tyrant, an egomaniac. He does not show any respect for his partner, no care or concern. He does not care how unhappy she is, yet she makes it so abundantly clear she is now desperate, fighting for survival emotionally. His response is is to bully her all the more! He is not supporting her, not financially, practically, or emotionally! He is deliberately wearing her down, making her feel weaker and less able to cope, diminishing her 'sense of self', making her feel she cannot cope without him, forcing her to be dependent on him and to have to let him do whatever he likes.

He wormed his way in initially saying his stay was temporary, he was going to stay till Christmas, then a bit longer. Now he wants her to buy a wardrobe for his clothes which he keeps in her bedroom! As SJ says;
"but that would make an intolerable situation even more permanent."
He is not planning to make this a temporary stay at all! He forced her, by manipulative tactics, to allow him to stay in the first place then he put his things all over her house! He won't even allow her to make a cup of tea in peace!
He will not talk about plans, or discuss anything that she wants to sort out.

He has threatened to take her to Court to demand back money he spent when they have been on holiday and he has paid for things! This is not a good man! A loving partner does not say that to their beloved! A loving partner does not expect a free ride, free accommodation, to be able to stay in another person's house and fill it, even the other person's private bedroom, with their things, and even fill that person's mother's garage! He is a grossly exploitative with an overwhelming attitude of entitlement and no awareness or concern for his Partner's feelings of distress and unhappiness he is causing.

I wish I could read something decent into him. I tried. But SJ's letter is a cry for help from a kind and caring person who has strong feelings of doing the right thing so is easily "guilt-tripped" into being made to do things against her will and against her better judgement. Even when she is trying to say she wants to help him for the sake of the long-standing relationship, she is overwhelmed by feeling "so stressed and unhappy". The relationship, imho only lasted before he moved in simply because he did not live with her and she had her haven of peace to which to return.

The relationship changed once he took over her house, treating it as if he owned it and thus revealed his true imperious nature.

It has been said before, we do not know how he actually treated his parents. People have quoted examples of the duplicitous behaviour demonstrated by those who, behind closed doors, were adamant bullies and cruel, but in the street and publicly were all sweetness and light. I have seen it too. I have serious doubts as to whether his behaviour in his late parents' home was any different to that which he is portraying here. People are usually consistent. (Psychology research has abundantly shown this).

Maybe, when he was divorced, he asked his parents if he could stay "just for a while until he finds his own place"? We do not know. We know he stayed about 20 years if he was there during their relationship and we can only surmise what kind of money he contributed to the housekeeping for being his parents' lodger.

He is kind and helpful when it suits his purpose, when he wants to build up his reputation in public and when he wants to make SJ think he is indispensable. Nobody is indispensable.

I really would like SJ to start taking the steps needed to make him move out. You gave her some excellent advice. On which note, may I say how I admire your advice? I have noticed several times that you speak with what seems to be experience and make concise suggestions, with reasons, as to what people might do. I think you are so helpful!

Back to this man! He needs to be looking for his permanent residence now. SJ is scared of the moment he comes up with the threat;
"if I 'throw him out' he'd never have anything to do with me or my mother again and that I'd be mad to 'look a gift horse in the mouth' and mum and I would be in a terrible position financially and otherwise, because of everything he does for us."
I would like to suggest she says something that neither agrees nor disagrees and most of all does not discuss the issue, such as;
"Yes, you said that before." When he has another try to upset her and make her talk about it (make her defend herself so he can knock her down verbally) she just repeats the "yes, you said that before." and keeps repeating it like a cracked record.
She will manage without his financial support or help in other ways. Plus she will have freedom! Freedom from blackmail and being forced to live a miserable and desperately unhappy life. She will regain her own life where she can go home and relax in her own bedroom, sit on her own sofa, or make a cup of tea in her own kitchen.
The money and other practicalities will get sorted out. They always do. Ask those of us who have been through it. Nobody has to depend upon an abusive man.

I do believe, the instances sited by SJ in her letter add up to the fact that his man is abusive.

Indeed there is harri and I can’t wait for that horrible little man to be found out . I know it’s not real but it just goes to prove that it is a very real situation .

There is a storyline on Coronation Street at present which is very revealing about this type of man. If you are not careful he will take over every aspect of your life and have you jumping at your own shadow.
Please get expert advice and reclaim your life.

SJ23. I read your post with a heavy heart. Other gransnetters have offered some wonderful advice and I hope this helps you. Wishing you strength to move on! ??

Oh BlueBelle! I am in tears when I hear of your suffering. You have been so kind to all of us here who have suffered or, like this poor lass, SJ23, is in the middle of a a crisis. I remember you telling us of your previous husband's horrible illness and how he could not help his behaviour. I had a close friend who also had a husband with the same illness. I think you are so kind, generous, decent and actually a wonderful person! You always write kind and helpful posts to people in distress and draw on your experience. You write with courage to say that you do not have loads of money to spend freely when people are getting carried away talking about their expensive tastes and you bravely remind everyone of the great need in the world where children go hungry even though you know people might attack you. (That was another thread in case people are confused - I just remember how much I respected Bluebelle - indeed admired her).

I do appreciate that not all situations of being with a terribly difficult man (sorry Grandads, I'm sure you appreciate we're talking about a man here) is because he is a calculated controlling person deliberately abusing a kind woman. In some cases, as with you, Bluebelle, the person is very seriously ill and unable to control their behaviour or have insight into the situation.
I do hope you are having a comfortable life now and know that you did everything you possibly could. Your safety is paramount. Trying to manage a person in this situation, on your own, is impossible. You did brilliantly that night! Sadly I have seen it in the Clinic too and we always advised the partner to separate because it does not support the person's illness - usually - to stay when the illness is in a severe stage and we are (were!) very concerned about their safety.
Bless you and anyone going through this terrible situation.
Good luck SJ23, try and feel strong. Everything is on your side, you have all the power. It is your home. Do not believe that you cannot manage without him. For the first years of my marriage I believed what my bullying husband said, that I could not manage on my own. But I could! Much better than with him! He really was like a mill stone round my neck. If, when he is gone, you need help, say with your mother, you will find a way to get it. People do come in to help. I have been so much happier on my own! I even had some holidays on my own. I think I met far more lovely people because I was alone than I ever met when my husband was there.

You will survive! The words are good and true! Ask any of us!
With love to everyone, I am very moved by the kindness and fantastically good advice on this topic. What wonderful people you are! I feel so lucky to be in touch with people like all of you. Good luck SJ23! ???

I don't see him as a bad man. He's a basically good man behaving in a very bad way.

He loved and cared for his parents then was cast into the overwhelmingly frightening situation of independence at an elderly stage in his life. He substituted by loving and caring for your mother and the cat, by installing himself in your home and trying to take control and become needed, ideally indispensable.

He's very scared of being alone. Unfortunately, the situation is bad for both of you. You can't force yourself to be the person he wants you to be. He can't adapt or grow while he's 'hiding' in your house. The separation will be good for both of you.

You have a lot going on at the moment and it is not surprising that your emotions are all over the place. You are being stifled by your partner. He needs to respect the fact that he is staying in your home, if he can't do that then he needs to move out into his own place. He appears to be inflicting what I would describe as coercive behaviour, making you worry about how you would manage without him. This is typical mental abuse and is abhorrent. If you can take a step back and look at how things are you will be able to see that life would be better if you had your own space and you would manage. Mentally you would be in a much better place and thus able to cope. Good luck, you deserve better.

The manipulation is unbelievable and when you are in the middle of it you are all over the place and not even recognising your own feelings I so clearly remember one night when he picked up a big knife sat on the end of the bed and said ‘Look what you have brought me to’ I had no idea if it was intended for me, him or us both so I tried to talk him down and that means taking the blame and begging forgiveness (some will say that’s a great weakness but you can only work with what’s happening to you at the time, easy when you ve never been in the situation to go by the textbook) we stayed there most of the night A new day dawned and we just carried on as if it had all been a bad dream but you can’t live like that for a long period and it was then I started my mental thoughts of how to get him out of my life but it had to be done with him thinking it was his idea or at least an idea he could accept
I don’t agree with some who say ‘he is a bad man’ in my case he was a damaged man from his own childhood, he had many good things in his character too and that’s where the difficulty lies
A truly bad person would emotionally be easy to walk away from

Wishing you all the best sj23,be strong & do what is best for you .Do let us know how you are getting on .x