Mumsnet discussions about estrangement

There are two or four sides to every story. Only belief in one side causes many NC to my view.

I remember funny members just as much as the insightful and the negative- Each bringing their own thing to the table- Do agree every forum has similar "characters", yet unique in their own way-

Years back people weren't as reluctant to meet up but social media has changed all that, there's considerable distrust- But I think genuine concern continues despite it, even from complete strangers-

No it isn't SirChenjin

No I’m sure it’s not if you haven’t done anything to warrant it

Not so good if you're the one they decide to go non contact with.

I think it's good knowing young ones feel differently to issues and NC is possible.

Yes, and the search feature is great for property & legal stuff.

I used the MN search feature a lot when house hunting because thetr can be odd deed issues in my area due to the time period that most houses here were built in. Pretty much every property/legals/deeds issue you may come up agsinst has been discussed on there at some point.

I agree notanan I often use MN as a reference source for all manner of things, it can be incredibly useful. Some of the viewpoints can be pretty robust at times, very much like Twitter, but there’s a lot of really good stuff on there. It’s like GN - there are posters whose views you find abhorrent and others who speak a lot of sense, so it’s a case of drowning out the sound on the former and listening to the latter.

To me MN is like twitter..

Current events often get posted about there before they get reported in the media, e.g. there was more info about the manchester bombings on MN than initially in the press as things unfolded. Ditto Grenfell, and how to help (or not when the help became unhelpful!)

Its a very useful source and I often browse. I see it as a news source, and I take all news sources with a pinch of salt but I think its important to read more than one news source

I know who you mean Stan and she is pretty forceful. I suppose it’s the same with every online forum - you get people who have some pretty extreme views and because they’re extreme you tend to notice them and remember them more than the moderate, reasonable posts that make up the majority.

I went on MN once, I soon backed off. It was a positive bear pit. Must have improved, judging by some comments on here. I've not been tempted to dip my toe in again though.

I think there has been quite a lot of insightful discussion, particularly about the change in social attitudes to older people. The generation aged 60s and 70s now were taught to respect their parents whatever they did, just because of seniority. The changes that have occured are therefore surprising to them at first .Stansgran I am glad you mentioned that person. I thought it wouldn't be allowed. She is one of the people I was thinking of. I consider her to be a divisive and even dangerous influence. She seems to have a following. I am very aware that some people are far better off without abusive parents in their life but she attributes the worst of motives to all parents and gives the same advice in all situations. She is very sure of herself and tells people what to do very easily. Don't get me wrong, some people have very dysfunctional parents but she sees narcissism everywhere. She also seems to think she can predict the future. It is this approach that people worry about on MN. I know it isn't universal there.

No mad families on gransnet of course.

There seems to be one poster over there who never seems to advocate conciliation always complete estrangement. Attila the Hun not her real name but I wonder if she has serious problems and wants everyone to be miserable. I do think there is often a middle way although there seem to be some mad families around.

Same old replies same names so adamantly in the right! No inciteful discussion just ‘I’m right your wrong (yawn).

Yes not nice to have that kind of bitchin in front of the GC. I actually think kids should go their own way when they grow up and show their independence by being self sufficient but too many are users who pick up with parents when they want something,i.e. Childcare etc. So many ac have gone nc when they don't need you anymore. It's rife

You know what I remember about my grandparents?, who my mother didn't go NC with?: her complaining bitterly about them in the car on the way there and back & the terrible atmosphere between her and them during the visit.

Did I really benefit from her not going NC? She takes great pride in the fact she didnt and actually bears a huge amount of resentment which gets thrown in my face about how she spent time with them for my sake but what for? There were no happy family times with my GPs, just tension and bitching.

As for respect, I dont agree that respect "has to be earnt". I think that everyone should start off with your respect... but respect can be lost!

I think it’s the trend because it’s a younger demographic who consequently have different viewpoints to the trends on GN. They’ve probably watched their parents or grandparents defer to their parents and put up with some shocking behaviour simply because they’re elders and decided that they (the MNetters) don’t want that for their own families. Minimising contact seems to be the most common advice on MN, rather than going NC - which seems to me to be quite sensible when faced with behaviour that you wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else in your life.

To be fair SirChenjin I probably am focussing on a few specific MN threads and vociferous posters. For the record, I wouldn't like to return to the days when everyone was supposed to defer to their elders however they behaved but I think the trend on MN is for things to have swung the other way. Not uniformly, just a trend. I read MN more than GN and usually like the direct approach. I do think there are a variety of reasons why estrangement happens and MN often tends to jump to conclusions. I am not advocating that anyone of any age should tolerate their lives being made a misery. I do not find advice to go NC rare on MN at all.

My sincere apologies if that bores you Joyful.

longtime yes, it is the point. MN isn’t a hive mind, but it’s certainly more direct than GN or Netmums probably due its size and therefore variety of views. If anyone feels that the more direct approach isn’t for them then it’s time to move on - but it’s simply not true to say that going NC is the advice of MN. You seem to be taking individual threads or posts out of many hundreds and claiming ‘the advice on MN is X’. There are individuals on here who say the most ridiculous things - that doesn’t mean GN advice is collective. Automatically deferring to your elders, or putting up with their demands out of respect for your elders is no longer the way of the world so you’ll probably see more modern ways of thinking on there - which might not chime with your own views. Families are more fluid and as a result the grandparents role as patriarch and matriarch has changed too, so again you’ll see those views reflected - but calls for instant NC is very rare on MN.

When we became aware of the lies that were being told and the almost desperate attempt to come between us and our other son, we backed off pretty quickly.

I love our ES, as does Mr. S. but my desire for us to move on with our lives was not because I was putting our ES's feelings before mine and Mr. S's; I was putting ours before his.

If someone doesn't want you in their lives why do you keep pushing back? Pushing back and chasing is probably an unwise thing to do but it is similar to the way some people behave when a marriage or romantic relationship ends. It is hard just to switch off and move on when rejected by someone you love, especially when they take children who you love with them. In the long term real love means putting their feelings before your own and moving on with your own life but it takes a bit of time to get to that point. The answer is that most people love their kids

I do think it is a good thing that respect no longer automatically comes with seniority and no one should have to put up with horrible treatment from their parents. Sometimes things can swing too far in the other direction before they reach an equilibrium and I have seen grandparents spoken about as if they are naughty children. They are expected to help when asked, never express an opinion and generally be subservient. I did read a thread on MN about who should take "precendance" in a family, as if they were walking in to some sort of medieval banquet. The words "greatest status" were used.I think the ideal is mutual respect and a bit of tolerance. I think it is sad to think of family relationships in terms of status. A difficult person in any generation can enjoy weilding power.

I don't see any harm in taking advice from strangers online. Isn't that what people often do here?

Granted, I think you (general) have to mull over the advice and decide if it's right for you, maybe tweak it a little bit to better fit your personality and values.

But yes, I kind of wish our generations didn't defer so much to their parents/PILs. I would never have gone totally NC w/ MIL, no matter what anyone advised. Nor would I have kept her from seeing the grands. But I wish I had stood up to her more firmly and cut back my contact w/ her. No doubt, sometimes, AC/CIL today are cruel, but many of them are showing a courage, IMO, that I wish I had back then.