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Mumsnet discussions about estrangement

(116 Posts)
Joyfulnanna Fri 05-Jul-19 23:19:44

I've just looked at the posts and advice given out on mumsnet about going nc and generally about relationships with parents and am horrified at the content of the posts and comments to them. There is alot of toxic advice on there, no real support that I can see, only others adding to the dramas in their lives, fuelling discussions that achieve nothing more than pure hate. It's no wonder there are so many mums go nc at the slightest thing and don't see any other way to deal with issues in their lives. It's a scourge of our society getting this sort of 'help' in forums that thrive on hateful posts about their parents. This blame game is so damaging the fabric of families.

FarNorth Sat 06-Jul-19 00:08:01

I look at mumsnet sometimes and haven't seen too many posts like that.
I've seen far more where someone has been struggling to make a relationship work but it's clear their best option is to reduce contact with the person, if not cut it off completely.

Kandinsky Sat 06-Jul-19 00:36:40

The sort of person who goes no contact because some random on the internet tells them to is no loss to anyone.

Oswin Sat 06-Jul-19 00:44:38

I see this said a lot here. Do you have any examples? Because I've only ever seen nc advised in really horrible situations.

Joyfulnanna Sat 06-Jul-19 08:02:50

Struggling to make something work is part of everyday life. And truly, if we wrote down every bad character trait and every situation we didn't like and embellished it enough, we could create a story to make anyone look terrible. Tell me, would you take advice and act on it based on online advice?

NotSpaghetti Sat 06-Jul-19 08:08:09

I haven’t noticed this trend on Mumsnet but I have noticed a lot of negative comments about daughters-in-law on Gransnet, sadly.

Bibbity Sat 06-Jul-19 08:11:06

Can you give an actual example? I’m on MN daily almost and can not relate at all to what you’ve posted here.

stella1949 Sat 06-Jul-19 08:15:15

I look at Mumsnet quite often, and to be honest I've never seen anyone told to "go no contact" for no good reason. I often read of horrible situations where parents or in-laws are really dreadful people, making the OP's life a misery. In many circumstances, "no contact" is the only way forward.

In my own younger life , I put up with a mother who was really horrible to me - I'd never heard of the idea of "going no contact" then but I wish I had. Our generation was brought up to tolerate our older relatives out of respect, but sometimes the respect only went one way. Many young people put up with horrible treatment , which only ended with the death of the older person. "Going no contact" would have saved a lot of heartache I'm sure.

Iam64 Sat 06-Jul-19 08:54:41

I find the posters on Mumsnet to be generally positive, well informed and direct in their comments.

You'll see some angry/upset/ comments about relationships with partners or with parents. I've seen some awful comments here on gransnet about competition between grandparents as well as relationships with adult children. Family life is complicated, relationships can be challenging. It's rarely all down to one difficult person (though I accept that can happen)

SirChenjin Sat 06-Jul-19 10:14:31

I was on MN for many years and there were plenty of posts which questioned the wisdom of immediately going NC as a minority of posters seemed to suggest - it certainly wasn’t the default advice. OTOH, some family behaviours were so awful that going NC was eminently sensible and the OP probably just needed other neutral parties to give her the OK to do just that.

Joyfulnanna Sat 06-Jul-19 10:16:12

Constant throwaway remarks like "I'd go nc" is typical of the comments I've seen on there.. Im not going to post every one I've seen but Ive seen plenty enough to knock this is the stock answer to many issues. Its prevalent on mumsnet.

Joyfulnanna Sat 06-Jul-19 10:16:38

"know" not knock

Bibbity Sat 06-Jul-19 10:16:43

Throwaway remarks or good advice? You don’t have to post everyone. Just give one example.

SirChenjin Sat 06-Jul-19 10:57:21

Define ‘constant’ - because my impression as someone who was on MN for over 10 years is that it’s a tiny minority of posters who cry NC at the first opportunity while the majority offer constructive alternative advice. Only in the most extreme circumstances is NC the general consensus.

March Sat 06-Jul-19 11:25:38

This reminds me of the time a poster made a thread about a poster/DIL on MN who who wouldn't even pick up a card for her MIL and she was ripped to pieces on here.

The poster hadn't actually told the whole story and the DIL had lost her mum and it was the first Mothers day without her. She had no need to buy a card and was understandably upset about the day approaching.

mumofmadboys Sat 06-Jul-19 11:27:12

There are always 2 sides to every story

stella1949 Sat 06-Jul-19 12:47:04

I've had a look today, and yes of course there are occasional posts where the OP has said that her parents / ex husband / sister is being really horrible. Most people answer in a sensible and measured manner , but yes you get the odd person who will say " oh you should go no contact , OP". It's not the norm by any means , and it's just one opinion. I don't think it's common for anyone to go no contact " at the slightest thing".

Norah Sat 06-Jul-19 13:27:24

Going NC is, in some instances, a very good response to a bad situ. Not sure why NC is so unacceptable to so many here? Maybe walk on in the posters shoes?

notanan2 Sat 06-Jul-19 16:28:04

If its reinforcement someone wants they would be brave asking for it on MN! The posters there dont hold back and often tell posters they are the unreasonable one, and the other party sounds like they are right!

Are you thinking of netmums ("nethuns") where posters are more likely to always be agreed with?

notanan2 Sat 06-Jul-19 16:33:26

I havent posted on MN since my baby days but my first post I was CRUCIFIED grin and told I was being unreasonable and prescious etc (I still think I was right, wink it was re people with a honking productive cold visiting me when I had just had a newborn and surgery!) you need a thick skin on there, dont post expecting to hear what you want to hear.

I do not think that someone considering NC will get back pats and cheer leading on MN unless they have GOOD reason for considering it!

Joyfulnanna Sat 06-Jul-19 16:46:52

Yes you need a thick skin to post on there and I dont think many posters are 'well informed' at all, as someone on this thread has said earlier. More that they are opinionated and lack life experience so tend to post the most extreme "advice" without a second thought on how it would be taken by the OP. No one should be 'crucified' when seeking advice, that could be very damaging to their mental state.

notanan2 Sat 06-Jul-19 16:49:21

Well that is contrary to your OP isnt it....

Posters dont "back up" the OP unless they actually agree with them! There's no party line! And often the replies favour the other party rather than egging on the OP!

notanan2 Sat 06-Jul-19 16:52:50

If you go on there wanting to rant about hating your ILs or family for petty reasons.... youre in for a bit of a time...

Head to netmums for that... thats where posters are always told theyre right and everybody else is wrong IMO and even gentle suggestions otherwise arent tolerated

Smileless2012 Sat 06-Jul-19 18:08:04

I suppose the reason why NC "is so unacceptable to so many here" Norah is because the majority who post on the estrangement threads on GN are the ones who have been estranged.

Joyfulnanna Sat 06-Jul-19 18:30:06

Interesting notanan2, so according to you, netmums posters are more supportive and in agreement with OP and mumsnet posters take an opposing view from OP? What is your general opinion of Gransnet posters?