Lost friendship - but continuing relationship necessary

It's very sad, but a fact of life that when relationships break up, people do take sides. Maybe she feels that her daughter needs her support and would feel that, as her soon to be ex son in laws mother she can no longer be friends with you?
I'd just keep up the communication lines with both her and her daughter - remembering birthdays and Christmas etc and hopefully, given time, at least some of the friendship can be saved

She may feel that she has to take the side of her daughter and to continue a friendship with you would appear disloyal. It's a real shame but may be you can just write her a letter saying you understand her position but that you would like to think that yoyr friendship can overcome this If not then I'm afraid you'll jyst Have to let it go x

Sadly some people “take sides” and see continuing with a friendship as disloyal to their offspring.
I’d be very tempted to write a letter explaining how much you value her friendship and ask her if you could continue with it. As a previous comment mentioned, there is a chance she would like to maintain the friendship too. Of course there’s the possibility your letter is ignored but that’s the risk you take, I think as you’re feeling the loss of your friendship very deeply anyway you haven’t got anything to lose.

My gd (my late sons d) lived with us since her dad died in 2007. She was six when she came to live with us.
She’s now nearly 19 and is staying at her boyfriends flat but comes home once or twice for a visit. I do miss her but know she wants to live her own life.
My dd only lives round the corner from us, so we see her quite a bit.

I agree with Notan2 but I wish to add > I suggest you write a letter. You have to stand on your integrity and desire to be a good person, a good friend. You can never control others but you certainly can control what you do. I am sure you know this. So simply sit down and write a letter. Not a groveling letter but one whereby you tell your friend of the value of her friendship and that as you are both in the same league of age etc, why can you not resume a good thing and enjoy life. Also, say that you respect whatever she says. Sorry if I seem patronising, not my intent. I have vast experience in pragmatic, positive action especially from the aspect of stating the truth as a form of respect, no fuzzy wuzzy... You can not lose by writing because whatever happens you have maintained your integrity because your intentions are genuine and of good intent. Write a letter. NOT too long.

Years ago I took both grandmothers to Christmas school play rehearsals.

You have nothing to lose by writing a letter. Assuming your relations with your DiL are as good as they can be at this time, tell her you miss her friendship, but also want to be there as a support for DiL and DGS.

Indy it’s a really sad situation and I feel for you. But you’re being the better person here.
I think I would write to this woman and say how much you valued her friendship in the past, how saddened you are by the break up of DS and DiL’s marriage, and how you hope that you can maintain a friendship in spite of this, not only because you value the friendship but for your grandson’s sake too

If that doesn’t get a response I’m afraid you’ll have to just maintain your dignity and move on.

Spot - on, do this.??

She is the mother of the daughter in a break up. Maybe her daughter thinks she would be disloyal if she was friends with "the other side" Try to let it go-find another friend. Be civil with her and nice-don't let your grandson be caught in the middle. Enjoy your relationship with son and him.

Yes write a letter if you feel you want to but remember the written word is there for all time. I am afraid you may have to face the fact this friendship has run its course, its possible that your DIL has told her mother what went on and she feels it is impossible to carry on the friendship. I think in-law friendships can be tricky, we are friendly when we meet at family events but don't socialise otherwise

Your ex DIL may confide in her mother.

The person who is offloaded to often ends up bearing more of a grudge than the person doing the offloading IYKWIM.

In a break up the worse is remembered and ranted about.

Write to her and tell her how you feel. Even if the friendship does not continue and she feels she has to take sides, at least it will help you find closure.

IndybeckiH
It’s over ten years ago now, but a similar thing happened to me when my daughter and her husband split up. My then SIL’s Mum became quite frosty with me,even though I was not to blame for their split. Previously we had worked at the same place and been good friends. Sadly, since then I lost my daughter to suicide, leaving two young daughters, so we had grandchildren in common. Both of us live 300 miles away from our granddaughters and ten minutes away from each other, both on our own. Luckily their other Gran. is friendly again , but I still don’t see her very often. Neither of us see our girls very often ,either.
It does seem very unfair that the mother should be blamed when a marriage goes wrong,especially after a close friendship. I guess that a Mum will always take the side of their offspring ,whatever the circumstances.
Hopefully your DD’s ex MIL will come round and realise you CAN still be friends. - and both enjoy your joint 7

Joint grandchildren!

Very sad for you. As others have mentioned, maybe a handwritten letter might help? It does seem such a shame that a friendship has dissolved through no fault of your own. A lot probably depends on your son's ex wife though. My sister was married and the family all loved her husband. They split up and my Grandparents especially wanted to keep in touch with her ex husband. Sister went bonkers. The ex may be insisting there's no contact and I imagine her Mother will be trying to keep her happy. Good luck

I too agree with writing a letter. Mother-in-law may find that she's in a difficult situation and feel that she would be disloyal to her daughter, but it's worth a try. Just remember that you've done nothing wrong.

Your thread is being featured on mumsnet OP.

Much nicer to have a relaxed birthday tea with rellies another day than to try to host people at soft play etc whilst watching 30 "dump and run" 7 year olds!
So the relatives would be at the relaxed birthday tea - in which case it's good if they can get on.
Most people I know would avoid 'soft play' if at all possible, yes, or else wear ear defenders.

Thats why most people do it that way these days
As I said, perhaps most people in your circle.
Others may do things differently.

So the relatives would be at the relaxed birthday tea - in which case it's good if they can get on.

Not all at once together. Whenever they happen to visit next. No reason for it to necessarily be the same day. The OP has no reason to fear being forced into awkward social situations with her ex friend, that is very unlikely to occur. Even without a separation. If going to see one set of GPs you dont drag along the other unless they happen to be close anyway.

As I said, perhaps most people in your circle.

If by "my circle" you mean the 3 schools combined in 2 towns that my children went to before getting to big and cool for parties... sure..

I remember my brother telling me he has spotted his DS's exinlaws in the street and he crossed the road rather than speak to them . He kept this up for the rest of his life his DIL had done the walking out .

Perhaps in time the dilation will improve, it would be do much nicer for your grandchild if everyone got on. I would leave things alone for a while, keep on sending cards and presents to your little gc, not making demand but keeping all lines of communication open. I would carry on sending your ex Dil a card too. A lot if things just just need time. Goof luck.

Sorry Good luck, however I quite like goof luck.?

If by "my circle" you mean the 3 schools combined in 2 towns that my children went to before getting to big and cool for parties... sure..

Ah!

I understand now, looking at your username.

Extended family are very very rarely at kids parties, or school events these days unless they are standing in for parents who can't be there. It's nothing to do with "my circle" its just the way it is. My children didnt just have friends whose parents are in MY social circle. Schools often limit attendance to events to 2 adults per child anyway with class sizes so big and space at a premium they cant accomodate extended families all rocking up to every opening of an envelope..

I think its fairly safe to reassure the OP that she will not frequently find herself sat beside this ex friend!

Take the high road. Always be cordial toward her and never let GS hear you criticize her. She may warm up to you again sooner than you anticipate.

I agree with notanan2 regarding the frequency of these future meetings. My daughter and her husband are happily married, we get along very well with his parents and siblings, but it's rare for us all to be in one place at the same time. The children's parties are normally for their friends, not for all the "oldies" , and at their school sports days we might bump into the other grandparents or not - it's not a planned thing at all. The idea of everyone in both families being invited to attend some event, isn't likely to be honest, and we're all very friendly. If the couple was divorced I doubt that we'd ever meet .