Gransnet forums


Ex-partner is getting married

(16 Posts)
Desdemona Fri 12-Jul-19 19:35:29

My ex partner (who I was never married to, although we were engaged) is getting married to a woman he met on the internet who lives outside of the EU and has never been allowed in the country in case she didn't go back home. He has been to her country for a handful of holidays (she lives in a gorgeous seaside resort.)

We have a child together but no joint financial arrangements, he gives me a small amount of money for our daughter each month.

I am worried that when he marries this woman and she comes to live here with her child (not his) that my daughters relationship with her father will suffer and he will not help me financially with her.

Any advice?

Pantglas1 Fri 12-Jul-19 19:37:32

Not a lot you can do about that - live with it!

Desdemona Fri 12-Jul-19 19:43:04

Well I know there isn't much I can do....but I am really unhappy with the situation. This woman is loads younger than him.....can't help thinking she only wants to live in the UK but maybe I am just a pessimist?

paddyann Fri 12-Jul-19 19:44:17

My ex SIL has never contributed to his children since the divorce 9 years ago.He now rarely sees them snce his new wife had a baby with the old and on with the new child included .It seems to be par for the course nowadays when Dads move on and leave children behind.You could contact the child support agency though they dont seem able to make dads pay up .Life is like this for many single mums .I'd make them have vasectomies if they didn't pay for one family before having another .I wish you luck looks like you'll need it

MissAdventure Fri 12-Jul-19 19:44:20

Well, that's for him to find out in his own time.
Do you still carry a torch for him?

EllanVannin Fri 12-Jul-19 19:46:16

Yes,Desdemona, that's one way to enter the country. Just make sure you're not around when things go pear-shaped !!

Desdemona Fri 12-Jul-19 19:51:14

Do I still carry a torch? If anything I am so confused and sad that he cheated on me. We had both been in marriages where the other partner had cheated and we had lots of chats about how horrible it was....then he did it to me.

I am worried about our girl mainly......I want her to grow up with a good relationship with him but I am worried about what lies ahead.

Desdemona Fri 12-Jul-19 19:54:23

Sorry to hear it, what a horrible man.

MissAdventure Fri 12-Jul-19 19:55:19

Ah, its such a shame when things go so far from what you'd envisioned.

All you can do is try to enforce him paying towards your daughters' upkeep, but you'll have to wait until he falls foul of your arrangement.

Septimia Fri 12-Jul-19 20:17:15

paddyann, please don't tar all men with the same brush. My DS was hands on with our DGD from the start and, when his wife wanted out of the marriage, continued to care for DGD 50% of the time. He's remarried, but still has his daughter half the time and has always done as good a job as a woman in 'mothering' her. She's got a proper home with him - clothes, room, toys, help with homework etc - and doesn't just go to stay.

M0nica Fri 12-Jul-19 21:19:47

In my BiL's case, it was the wife walked out leaving him on his own to care for their disabled child, which he has done with gentleness and care. The child sees so little of her mother that she calls my sister, his second wife, 'Mummy'.

Each sex has the capacity to behave equally badly.

Lazigirl Fri 12-Jul-19 21:39:56

Just as a matter of interest the Child Support Agency no longer exists and people are encouraged to make their own arrangements for support payments. If they aren't able to another agency will help, but surprise surprise, this is a paid for service!

Coolgran65 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:59:56

CSA or by an alternative name, certainly exists in N. Ireland. My son pays, as assessed by them, every 4 weeks/month.

BradfordLass72 Sat 13-Jul-19 01:30:32

If your ex already has a good relationship with your daughter: seems to love her and spend time with her, it should continue.
Fathers who genuinely love their children, actually want to keep up a relationship, even if their own circumstances change.

If he doesn't - then obviously he's not going to act any differently from the way he has over the last 3 years.
You are unlikely to make him care if he doesn't already.

As for his relationship with the new floozy lady, keep out of it. You will only antagonise and possibly alienate if you make adverse comments. It's his business.

If you haven't already confirmed his paternity and got the payments for your daughter on a legal footing, do it now.

It may be of no consequence in this case but I have two acquaintances who took considerable amounts of money to marry people so the new spouse could obtain residency.
In both cases it was absolutely disastrous.

Davidhs Sat 13-Jul-19 09:00:01

He will go his own way and will find it is very difficult and expensive to bring a foreign wife into the U.K., that is assuming she is not a gold digger, if she is, it will bankrupt him.
So from your point of view he may have a lot less money to help you, so be prepared for that!.

Lazigirl Sat 13-Jul-19 09:55:39

Yes, Coolgran it is now called The Child Maintenance Service, and for new claimants there is a big disincentive to use it. They charge for application, they then take 20% of each payment from the parent paying and 4% from the recipient parent. I think this is dreadful for parents who may be struggling. May not apply to parents on the old system.