Welcome to provide childcare but not welcome at milestone events

Your granddaughters will remember and be influenced by the childcare they have received from you; not who attended their kindergarten 'graduation'. I realise this isn't your point, but I think these events are over rated and are not quality time with your DGC.

DIL parents go to all things. We are considered lower class to them. Never even touched my two and half year old GC. Had counselling and now just send birthday and xmas gifts and very very occasionally DS will facetime but only when DIL is out. It is awful we are treated this way but our DC seem to have a totally different set of values to us.

I think you actually get the best bits, have you ever seen one of these graduations? It's about 40 minutes long and 60 seconds of that is the teacher talking about your own kid.

The childcare you provide benefits them both, not just your ex DIL. Your son too. Your son needs to enquire and find out about these events. He is more to blame to your ex DIL.

I'm actually surprised by these threads at the amount of things that men get a free pass from. Everything always seems to be down to the DIL and she is always the one to the blame if it goes wrong. Must be exhausting!

willa45 you make an interesting point a out the other grandparents perspective. That may be the case in some family dynamics.

Grammaretto

I agree!

My granny was just that, granny!

I wouldn’t imagine she ever concerned herself about behaving “appropriately “ we spent a lot of time with her, she was kind and quite tolerant of us, but wasn’t above giving us a smacked bottom, imagine that now!

I think negotiating grandparent hood is at times very perilous.

I never realised there are so many tightrope and obstacle courses to manoeuvre at the time in our lives when we should be putting aside time for ourselves, our health and equilibrium.
I hope you can ask your DGC how their graduation was and who was there and what they did. You might find that it all sounded very fraught and hot.
You can be proud of the little ones without needing to be physically at every event.
They will still love you.
Send a congratulations card too.
The woman at the doctors is a different story and we don't know enough to judge. On the face of it she sounds very hard done by.

Lemon grove it right, these events can be a bit tedious, but I get that this isn’t the point.
I think you need to just forget about it, we won’t have this rush of events again till Christmas!

Mahy, that really is a sad story, no excuse for such cruelty whatever the family dynamics

Stay quiet, for the sake of keeping your relationship with the GC but log onto the school's website and check out the list of school events/important dates to give you the heads up - forewarned is forearmed as the old saying goes

I would feel upset too, but if at all possible and it will be hard I wouldn’t say anything.?

Ohhh mahy…...I could cry for you and the lady you met! How awful for her. I'm so glad you spoke to her, as it might have done her some good to off load to you

I am so grateful for the calming words of other gransnet users. I feel for every one of us who are side lined and excluded and abandoned. DIL excludes me from everything, my son is quite content to allow this to happen. The gc are always overjoyed when they see me and ask why I wasn't at such and such an event but with the passage of time I notice that it's just expected that I won't be there at their birthday party or school event because it doesn't matter what they or I want.
When I read others say be patient and don't rock the boat and roll over or you'll be cut out completely I get so angry and hurt for myself, for you and for our grandchildren.

I was recently in the doctors office and was chatting to a most lovely older lady. I asked if she was a grandma and she said yes. I asked how much access she had to her gc. She said she had 2 sons so it was usually based around the wive's families. She said she had been very excited that they were all going to go on holiday together, her sons, wives and gc all together... when the time came DIL had not booked her a ticket. She paid for the whole family holiday from she was excluded.
I am so glad she was called into her appointment so she couldn't see me burst into tears.

My greatest wish is that their children treat them with the same love appreciation and respect that they show us. Chins up everybody, their day will come.

Norah and Bippity are right.

Independently of their relationship status, why doesn't your son prioritize you? You have birth to him, not to ex dil

Santanana,

Sometimes it helps to put oneself in another's shoes.

Is it possible the other GPs are equally upset because in their mind, it's not work you get, but rather more quality time with the girls ? If tickets are limited and you were invited (instead of them) might they feel that you got preferential treatment especially because you already have them during the week?

Whatever the case may be, such events tend to be vastly overblown. As others here have said, bite your tongue for the sake of peace and harmony and let the other GPs have their time.

Yes, I do see why you feel miffed but I think you should say nothing.

Let's face it. Life isn't fair.

If you say anything, you risk stirring up real trouble for yourself. It's not worth it.

I agree with most on here, don’t say anything.
It isn’t fair of course, if you would like to go, but you see the children all the time by the sound of it, and speaking as one
Who sometimes does attend school ‘do’s’ you aren’t missing much, crowded overheated halls full of over excited children and tense teachers with all the parents waving their mobiles around to get pics.

For goodness sake don't say a word if you want to continue with some sort of harmonious relationship with her and therefore continue to see you DGC. As she is now divorced from your son she probably wants as little dealing with you as possible. Just stay quiet - this is not big enough an issue to argue about or risk being cut off from your GC.

Minshy

I’m divorced but have taken a ‘set’ day off work each week to look after my grandchildren.
Yet because I am divorced and my daughter took her fathers side I’m ostracised in every other aspect..
I’ve got used to it now.
I’m certainly very much being used.
But unless I did this I would never see my grandchildren.
I do it so that I can spend precious time with them.
My daughter never even thanks me.
Enjoy what you see of those children.

I totally get your sense of "doing all the work", others "getting all the fun"! Recognise that one1 But don't think there is a thing you can do about it sadly. Enjoy the relationship with your grandchildren, filter the amount of childcare only to what you are actually happy to do and enjoy, would be my advice, from experience.

This is your dil managing gp, one set good for childcare, the other at arms reach. Take it as a compliment that you are entrusted to provide the childcare. I know its hard because you wanted to see the children at this event but there will be more, xmas plays, sports days etc.. Just keep an ear/eye out for the next one and tell her you'd like to see them taking part. I'm sure she'd be delighted.

Bippity is exactly correct. Much the same as calling dil to fault for relationship failure. Where is the son to the problem?

I really think you are reading too much into this, let it go, it’s not important

NannaAnnie.
Why aren’t your sons prioritising you? The DILs are organising their families it should be down to your sons to organise for you. The blame lies at their feet.

You have every right to feel upset but you must vent it on this website only and then let it go. If you say anything you may only make matters worse. Just smile sweetly and be your usual loving self. This may even make your dil feel guilty. She may be trying to build bridges with her parents however as they aren't as nice as you are.

I do get why you’re so upset, but if I was you I would continue helping out even though it can be be tiring sometimes and keep the peace for your little ones and for your son. Once the can of worms is opened it’s hard to go back. I’m in a similar situation myself but I know that in time I will reap the rewards for all I’ve done. You’re grandchildren will have such wonderful memories of you when they’re older and long after you’re gone. Keep having fun and you’ll be so blessed for it.