Carpe diem ?

I'm all for carpe-ing the diem and the noctis as well for that matter but this also applies to you kiki2 - it will send a gentle message to your husband that you are not prepared to stay at home whilst he's out bellringing on a gorgeous evening.

I must admit it scared me to read your query 'Do I leave him?' - were you meaning forever, or just for a stroll on a summer's eve? If the former it seems a rather drastic way of dealing with a bit of campanology. I wonder if there is more to this than just the ringing of bells? Is he becoming controlling?

Sadly, I've never had a DH to go strolling with (well, I had a DH but he was very ill) so was forced to do everything by myself. It didn't kill me and it made me a lot more confident. It may do the same for you.

I have a few things (groups) that I won’t give up ( not that I have to) now and then DH has a grumble, but is mostly fine with it.However if I insisted on going out on my own every day/evening then he would be entitled to be miffed, just as you feel kiki2 a marriage means doing some things together, especially in retirement.

Wait a minute - this sounds a bit too controlling to me. Are you just one of his bells!
My DH has a weekly commitment which annoys me quite a bit as he refuses to be flexible about it.
I am trying to fill the time with something organised for me but it isn't the same is it as just saying look here, it's a beautiful evening , can't you call off your bell ringing for once and come for a walk with me.
I hope you find a solution soon.

Oh no, kiki, that's mean.

Find something really undemanding..a local walking group, a drop in thing , a morning in a charity shop.

Hello lessismore it manifests itself by him saying : why don’t you wait for another day and we can do it together etc basically he undermines my confidence and I haven’t got much as it is !

Thank you notentirelyallhere that’s exactly how I feel , I like to share things hence my dilemma and frustration

In your place, I'd try and see why your DH doesn't like you doing things independently. After all, he is out doing something on his own although he's part of a team.

It is difficult, I imagine, for him to let people down but try to tell him what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

You mention leaving your husband. Big decision. Is he otherwise good to you?

How does this " not liking you doing your own thing" manifest itself?

What?

I have a friend called Mary. As my dh would say.....that's what Mary is for.
He means it kindly but he is right.

And make it clear you'll be doing your own thing, in the absence of his company!

Bell-ringing is the sort of thing where other people depend on you turning up if you've said you will.
Every day seems a little OTT, tho, unless they are preparing for something special.
Maybe have a chat with your DH about how you'd like to do more things together, and ask if he could commit to fewer bell-ringing sessions.
Don't expect him to seize any days when there are others counting on him turning up, though.

I have a DH who has a number of obsessive hobbies and downsizing and moving just means that he's added more!

I think he may well be on the spectrum! It's caused arguments over the years. I have learned to do things on my own but to be honest, I don't often enjoy it, I like to share things.

Especially when the weather is nice, my attitude is to let things slide and do something different and enjoy whatever it is together, so I appreciate Kiki's post. I would also make a fuss about him doing something every single night. In a couple surely there has to be some consideration of the feelings of the other.

He has every right to do things on his own but absolutely no right to object if you do the same!
Doing stuff with a friend or on your own is perfectly fine.
Maybe you need to answer your own question and follow maw's advice.
Why not carpe your own diem??

Sorry but he probably won't change now? Is he " on the spectrum"

No maybe not, just possessive and obsessed with bells.

It sounds to me as if your DH totally understands the notion of Carpe Diem and is doing what he enjoys.
What is to stop you doing what you like?
Friends, other family members or on your own - time enough for the drink on the terrace when you are both too decrepit to be active
Carpe diem!

If he’s happy doing his own thing without considering you then you should do yours.
One day you may be on your own ( sorry to be blunt but most of us are destined to be widows) and then you will be so glad you have built a life without him.

Thank you for the messages , it does seem that I have got to try and do things on my own , pick up the courage to do so at least when I can’t have a friend to come with me; the problem is , he doesn’t seem too keen for me to do things on my own either really and I do resent that

kiki....this is what our girl friends are for, men are very single minded about their hobbies/ commitments.
Although, if he does the bell ringing every day, that is extreme!

Some weeks like this one yes he does bellringing every day ; the idea of going with a friend sounds good thanks

I admire his loyalty to things. But who knows what is round the corner. Seize the day., if not with DH then find someone else

Is there anyone else you could do things with? Friends, family, neighbours?

Your husband seems to be quite set in his ways and he likes his life like that. I'd say get out and about with someone else or join a club in order to meet other people and enjoy your life. Once he realises that you can have an interesting time without him, he may toe the line a bit.....but either way, you'll have built up a social life of your own.

Go on an evening when he has not committed to bell ringing. I don’t think it is fair to expect him to let others down.
If he won’t go even then, go with a friend or on your own.
Doing things on you own can be very enjoyable. No one to worry about making sure they are enjoying themselves rather than just doing something for your sake.

You don’t need to feel lonely. Find some friends who share your interests and join them.
I’ve never understood why some couples seem to be joined at the hip. I’d much rather do my own thing and let DH do his and when we do spend time together, we have plenty of interesting things to chat about.

I would start to do things on your own, as your husband obviously enjoys his own hobby.