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Carpe diem ?

(28 Posts)
kiki2 Thu 25-Jul-19 10:54:13

My husband does not understand the concept of ‘seizing the day’
Although well into his seventies , he lets artificial constraints like his ‘ commitment ‘ to his bellringing get in the way of enjoying life, beautiful evenings etc so for instance if he has committed to going bellringing he won’t walk in the park and have a drink on a terrace looking over the lake.
This is only one small example , there are many more I could give but the net result is that I end up frustrated and feel my life is going and I am not really able to enjoy the things I like , some of which I feel are very simple pleasures indeed so what’s wrong with wanting to do them ?
So what do I do ? Do I leave him ? Do I grin and bear it ? Or do I do the things I want to do on my own with the risk of feeling lonely ?
I really don’t know what to do and would be grateful if anybody had any advice to give me . Thank you

Septimia Thu 25-Jul-19 10:57:49

Does he bellring every day? What about the ones in between?
If he's not going to share those things with you, perhaps you can find a friend who would enjoy them and leave him in his bell tower!

Luckygirl Thu 25-Jul-19 10:58:51

Just do 'em - you won't feel lonely - you will get used to it. Better than dragging an unwilling partner along.

MissAdventure Thu 25-Jul-19 11:02:37

I would start to do things on your own, as your husband obviously enjoys his own hobby.

Craicon Thu 25-Jul-19 11:09:33

You don’t need to feel lonely. Find some friends who share your interests and join them.
I’ve never understood why some couples seem to be joined at the hip. I’d much rather do my own thing and let DH do his and when we do spend time together, we have plenty of interesting things to chat about.

ginny Thu 25-Jul-19 11:29:46

Go on an evening when he has not committed to bell ringing. I don’t think it is fair to expect him to let others down.
If he won’t go even then, go with a friend or on your own.
Doing things on you own can be very enjoyable. No one to worry about making sure they are enjoying themselves rather than just doing something for your sake.

SalsaQueen Thu 25-Jul-19 13:17:31

Is there anyone else you could do things with? Friends, family, neighbours?

Your husband seems to be quite set in his ways and he likes his life like that. I'd say get out and about with someone else or join a club in order to meet other people and enjoy your life. Once he realises that you can have an interesting time without him, he may toe the line a bit.....but either way, you'll have built up a social life of your own.

BBbevan Thu 25-Jul-19 13:53:00

I admire his loyalty to things. But who knows what is round the corner. Seize the day., if not with DH then find someone else

kiki2 Thu 25-Jul-19 14:44:35

Some weeks like this one yes he does bellringing every day ; the idea of going with a friend sounds good thanks

lemongrove Thu 25-Jul-19 15:43:30

kiki....this is what our girl friends are for, men are very single minded about their hobbies/ commitments.
Although, if he does the bell ringing every day, that is extreme!

kiki2 Thu 25-Jul-19 16:45:08

Thank you for the messages , it does seem that I have got to try and do things on my own , pick up the courage to do so at least when I can’t have a friend to come with me; the problem is , he doesn’t seem too keen for me to do things on my own either really and I do resent that

PamelaJ1 Thu 25-Jul-19 17:10:29

If he’s happy doing his own thing without considering you then you should do yours.
One day you may be on your own ( sorry to be blunt but most of us are destined to be widows) and then you will be so glad you have built a life without him.

MawBroonsback Thu 25-Jul-19 17:14:15

It sounds to me as if your DH totally understands the notion of Carpe Diem and is doing what he enjoys.
What is to stop you doing what you like?
Friends, other family members or on your own - time enough for the drink on the terrace when you are both too decrepit to be active
Carpe diem!

Lessismore Thu 25-Jul-19 17:14:52

Sorry but he probably won't change now? Is he " on the spectrum"

No maybe not, just possessive and obsessed with bells.

mcem Thu 25-Jul-19 17:54:12

He has every right to do things on his own but absolutely no right to object if you do the same!
Doing stuff with a friend or on your own is perfectly fine.
Maybe you need to answer your own question and follow maw's advice.
Why not carpe your own diem??

notentirelyallhere Thu 25-Jul-19 19:09:47

I have a DH who has a number of obsessive hobbies and downsizing and moving just means that he's added more!

I think he may well be on the spectrum! It's caused arguments over the years. I have learned to do things on my own but to be honest, I don't often enjoy it, I like to share things.

Especially when the weather is nice, my attitude is to let things slide and do something different and enjoy whatever it is together, so I appreciate Kiki's post. I would also make a fuss about him doing something every single night. In a couple surely there has to be some consideration of the feelings of the other.

FarNorth Thu 25-Jul-19 19:39:06

Bell-ringing is the sort of thing where other people depend on you turning up if you've said you will.
Every day seems a little OTT, tho, unless they are preparing for something special.
Maybe have a chat with your DH about how you'd like to do more things together, and ask if he could commit to fewer bell-ringing sessions.
Don't expect him to seize any days when there are others counting on him turning up, though.

FarNorth Thu 25-Jul-19 19:40:41

And make it clear you'll be doing your own thing, in the absence of his company!

Coolgran65 Thu 25-Jul-19 19:43:48

I have a friend called Mary. As my dh would say.....that's what Mary is for.
He means it kindly but he is right.

Lessismore Thu 25-Jul-19 20:00:14


Lessismore Thu 25-Jul-19 20:01:57

How does this " not liking you doing your own thing" manifest itself?

Tangerine Thu 25-Jul-19 20:56:08

In your place, I'd try and see why your DH doesn't like you doing things independently. After all, he is out doing something on his own although he's part of a team.

It is difficult, I imagine, for him to let people down but try to tell him what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

You mention leaving your husband. Big decision. Is he otherwise good to you?

kiki2 Thu 25-Jul-19 21:04:27

Thank you notentirelyallhere that’s exactly how I feel , I like to share things hence my dilemma and frustration

kiki2 Thu 25-Jul-19 21:06:42

Hello lessismore it manifests itself by him saying : why don’t you wait for another day and we can do it together etc basically he undermines my confidence and I haven’t got much as it is !

Lessismore Thu 25-Jul-19 21:21:02

Oh no, kiki, that's mean.

Find something really undemanding..a local walking group, a drop in thing , a morning in a charity shop.