Toddlers. TELL don't ASK...

My DD1 was very strong willed so I either gave limited choice eg 2 jumper colours when getting dressed or plenty of warning that we were going out . She could do her shoe buckles up before she was 2 but needed 20 minutes to do it! Lol! It was hard sometimes to be the boss but I managed it with a sense of humour and luckily I am quite patient

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yup, do not ever give a toddler a yes/no choice. It will almost always be no. Giving a choice between two options and arranging a tell, not ask, tends to work better. (I teach pediatric nursing and include this as a technique for students - for example, being examined is not a choice. Order of assessment, or whether to sit on the table or Mum/Dad's lap, is a choice.)

It`s annoying in the supermarket being held up in front of, say, the breakfast cereal stand whilst a very young child decides what the family should have.

I feel sorry for the little ones being asked. Asking a toddler in a supermarket what he/she would like to eat is pointless, they usually just point to the nearest brightly coloured food. Then the mum chides them saying, oh you don't want that/it's not good for you/why did you choose that. Either/or suggestions are much easier for little ones to process.

There is usually something that the very young ones can have a choice of, which gives them practice in weighing up which they prefer, but sometimes it takes a bit of ingenuity to find that something - which shoe to put on first, which arm into which armhole of a coat, one or two eggs, shop or library first?

As they get older, they cope better with open-ended questions like, "What shall we do today?", which does lay you open to them wanting to take a train to London today and having a tantrum to sort out if they don't understand when that is difficult to arrange.

Also asking what they want to wear. Why? Probably why you see children in ankle socks in the depth of winter, and thick tights in the height of summer. Crazy.

Very young children have limited ability to make decisions, so while either swings or roundabout (or first swings and then roundabout) or pasta or fish fingers are fine, open ended choice is beyond most pre-school children and adds an unnecessary layer of complexity to what should be a simple choice. Doubt whether asking their permission is desirable either!

Choosing which of the available choices to have is good, but being given a choice of what in the whole universe they will eat and then being told that, No, that is not up for grabs, is just frustrating.

Of course, a really doting Mum/Gran would run to the shop and buy the favoured choice. Perhaps they would even do what the mother of a child I heard of did - asked what her darling daughter would like but didn't have her choice (fish fingers) in the house, so went out and bought some and cooked them. Child looked at them, turned up her nose, and said "I don't want that! I want beans!" So mother threw out the fish fingers and went back to the shop for beans . . .

Neatly put lulu!

I think its fine to give some choice but not when you have to do something whether they want to or not, that is just confusing. Many parents seem to treat small children as adults until they become teenagers when they treat them like children.

granny4hugs - 100% agree!

Well yes Lessismore I don't give my lot a huge list to choose from, just a few ideas. My breakfast café was quite famous in the playground with DGS's last supply teacher often enquiring what was on the menu this morning?

Incidentally I find being given a choice of what to do/have etc. teaches them about making decisions.

I suppose a very limited choice is OK? 2 things....the blue one or the red one?
That's sufficient.

I'm wondering if all of the "tellers" and not "askers" happen to be retired teachers?

My ex neighbours were both teachers and both spoke to their young daughter as though they were still in school. I remember going to a birthday tea at theirs with my then 3 or 4 year old DGD and being quite shocked at the way they spoke to the children as though they were still in the class room.

It must be a new thing. I could have written the OP excepting I haven't plucked up the courage to have the conversation! I will now.

Back in the 1970s when I asked DS1, when he was about 18 months, what he wanted for breakfast, he would always answer. 'A egg and a owinge,' which was his usual breakfast anyway. Not sure what he has now that he is 48 and omnivorous.

When mine were younger and they thought they might disagree, I'd sometimes respond with
" That's a tell not an ask!"
Ungrammatical but succinct!
Of course choices were offered when appropriate.

Not sure it's just younger parents! I remember my younger sister, when staying with us, always asking her toddler what she wanted to eat, and then the dithering and faffing when she didn't know/couldn't make up her mind - or the kerfuffle if we didn't happen to have it.

I'd be (silently) screaming, 'FGS don't ASK!! Just give her something you know she likes!'

She normally just has whatever happens to be on offer but I do like to line a few options up and let her choose, especially her yog yogs.

She's 15 months Callistemon but she's very advanced

It all depends on the context.

Who was it that said “ context is everything “ ?

except school dinners
[yuk]

How old is the baby?
I never remember asking a baby what she'd like although I did ask DGD2 when she came to stay what she wanted for dinner. Then didn't have that! She was more than happy with what I did make though.

We had no choice at all when I was a child but I don't remember it being dictatorial; perhaps after rationing we were happy with most things.

I always use "shall we......" or "would you like to....." when I am talking to my DGC. I even ask the baby what she would like for her lunch . I really can't see it being a problem and I find it better than the dictatorial attitude my father had when I was a child. "You will do it or else...."