Pre wedding worries

My friend's reluctant husband wanted to pull out of the wedding. But had the same guilt pangs about it all being paid for. There followed 2 nightmarish years and then they divorced.

Turned out to be far more expensive than the wedding.

I was in the car with my Dad on the way to the wedding and my Dad said that I didn't have to do it. I said "but it's all paid for!" When he said it didn't matter, it's only money I wish I had listened to him as it would have saved 10 years of BS, poverty and unhappiness. I can be honest with myself now and say that I already had regrets before I set the date but got swept along with it all.
I would have the chat with your daughter now and tell her it doesn't matter if you lose money, what matters is a safe and happy environment for her and her daughter.

He is a bully!! and may never change.

I can understand your concerns. I too would be worried in the same situation. Your DD is old enough to know what she’s doing but my major concern would be her DD! This man sounds very unstable and If it were my DD I would have to put my concerns to her regardless of her feelings.
So sorry you’re having to deal with all this at what should be a happy and exciting time. Be strong. x

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Apologies for crap typing ?

He ought to go to anger management classes, otherwise its very risky for your daughter to marry him. Sounds like your daughter could end up the victim of domestic abuse

I think that your DD letting you know she’s stressed, but not confiding the details could be her way of trying to let you know she’s not happy about everything, but...
Either divided loyalties - he is her fiancé
Or she feels too embarrassed to admit her mistake in choosing to marry him
I suspect she is afraid of what he might do if she tells him now that she doesn’t want to marry him.
I don’t have a daughter, that might be why I am saying differently to other posters, but I would calmly point out to her that shouting down the phone at you is not acceptable. Maybe go through a book about boundaries with her?

We had a similar problem with my eldest daughter, we kept quiet, they had a wonderful expensive wedding but the marriage only lasted a year. Just be there when she needs you. We would do the same again, it’s not good to interfere. My SiL told me on my wedding morning when I was having doubts that I would be totally ostracised from the family if I called the wedding off. I have never liked her from that day 50 years ago.

Say to your daughter if you have changed your mind don't worry about the cost or feeling embarressed far better to say now than after she is married.

OP we haf this scenario but the other way round. Our dil cut off all our sons friends who dropoed out before the wedding. Other people were upset and decided not to come. Despite our worries we kept ouf of things. Now we have gc we hardly see unless it suits het for us to look after them, his/our extended family (aunts/uncles etc) want nothing to do with her so do not invite and our them to anything so our son is stuck between a rock and a hard place. He calls us or visits when she is out/away to save argument. Whilst it is sad to see he is an adult and made his choices but I do wish we had had thd chat before they married.

There are pre wedding nerves but his normal behaviour isn't acceptable. Would have to tell DD my concerns. Verbal/mental abuse one day and it is if he is contantly shouts whenever he wants his way, what could be next, physical abuse? Also a concern about GD if she is witnessing these outbursts.

My uncle gave me away when I got married. In the car on the way to the church, he also asked if I was quite sure that this was what I wanted. I wasn't sure then, but felt it was too late to call things off, when everyone had gone to so much trouble and expense. So if you are going to ask that question, don't leave it too late. I probably would have backed out if it had it been two weeks or so earlier, or at least postponed it until I was sure. Instead of that, my fate was to give birth to two babies in two years, then my husband decided it wasn't for him, kids and marriage and left us penny less and went back to his parents house and never gave us another thought and certainly contributed nothing to bring the children up. So please give her the chance to back out before the day. She might well thank you in the end.

I had reservations when my daughter got married. Her husband to be had fallen out with his entire family so none of them came to the wedding. He told me on the day that we were his mum and dad now. I resented this as I didn't like him much. Five years on he cheated on my daughter and she threw him out. She's now trying to get a divorce. It's a total mess and I wish I'd had the courage to say to my daughter before the wedding that he was not a decent man. Maybe she'd have thought twice.

If it was my daughter I would speak to her but then again I would have raised my concerns before it got to the planning of a wedding

The trouble is that when young we can fall into the trap of thinking that we can change our partner once married and/or that having a baby will change them into the perfect husband/ father. So totally wrong - once the honeymoon is over if not before a person relaxes into who they really are. In this day and age when people have been living together, they should see it coming but strangely don’t.

All I can add is to be careful not to invest very much in the marriage until you can see that it will last, so that you can help your daughter if necessary after the divorce, but at the same time, try not to assume it will end badly just in case your future SIL is picking up on your feelings and that is contributing to his feelings of inadequacy.

Is your daughter a bridezilla and that's getting to him? I don't know how some men cope with their furture wives when they go into wedding mode!

You’re right to be concerned. He sounds like a bully and his behaviour is likely to worsen.
Send her a link to the freedom programme. Even if she chooses to ignore the clear warning signals now, she might come back to it later.
freedomprogramme.co.uk/sample-online/bully1.php

Speak to her and tell her how you see things. If you think that that's going to alienate her, it's a risk worth taking. Tell her it's not too late to change her mind about the wedding - after all, he has mooted it. I don't get this "be there for her": how does this translate into practical terms? Stand by and do nothing while you watch your daughter roll into potential disaster? You don't need to tell her to call off the wedding - just raise your concerns. She might be super relieved that you've broached the subject.

Like others have said classic signs of controlling behaviour happened to my DD despite our reservations she wouldn't listen and married the tosser now 2 years later just applied for her decree nisi and in a happy place we are closer than ever but she needed to be allowed to make the mistake and see him for what he was eventually. Hard as it may be you have to allow your daughter to see this for herself she won't thank either of you otherwise but just be there for her she'll thank you in the end.

Agree with everything Agnurse said

If he's like this now he will only get worse once married.
I would certainly speak to your daughter and tell her your concern. If she is certain she wants this person in her life then there's nothing more you can do.
Do hope it all works ok for them and especially for you , careing mamma!!

I do think we have to let our children make their own mistakes and just be there to pick up the pieces if things go wrong. If they've been together 18 months then she knows what he's like and has weighed up the good against the bad and presumably found that the good wins. However, without pointing out what you see as the problem it would be well within tradition for you to sit your daughter down and remind her that if she has any doubts then it's not too late to change her mind.
As for being happy on the day, as long as DD is happy then you can be happy for her, I'm sure.

We felt exactly the same about our ex-SiL. He went from bad to worse and is still trying to control DD and DGD even though he has a new partner and second family. I don’t know if saying anything to DD would have made a difference but I wish I’d tried ...

Just be there. You can't take on her problems!
She has to sort her own life out, and won't thank you for interfering....