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Pre wedding worries

(100 Posts)
Karenl2859 Sat 03-Aug-19 15:05:38

My DD is getting married in a few weeks and we have major concerns about future SIL. He threatened to call the wedding off a few days ago due to a fall out with his family members and DD best friend. Don’t know whether to attempt to talk to DD to explain our concerns and risk alienating her or to keep quiet and say nothing. Really concerned for her emotional well being and that of our granddaughter. He has a very short fuse and reacts by shouting and screaming or refusing to communicate with anyone. Threatening to call it off because he fell out with the Matron of Honour is not rational. So unhappy right now and don’t know how I’m going to pretend to be happy on the day.

paddyann Sat 03-Aug-19 15:49:23

men get pre wedding nerves too ,I'd leave it and let him sort his head out.The temper issue is a different matter and he probably needs some help.Could be a stress problem so a GP visit could sort that out.At the end of the day its your daughters life and unless he's abusive then I would keep out of it.

agnurse Sat 03-Aug-19 17:18:40

Parents should never get involved in their AC's relationships and AC should never ask their parents to get involved.

A parent's instinct is to protect a child. That's okay. That's normal. That's what parents are supposed to do. But it also means that parents are not objective third parties in these situations.

Ultimately, this is her decision. You need to respect that.

mumofmadboys Sat 03-Aug-19 17:39:23

Just be there so your DD can communicate with you if she wishes. Keep in close contact and see what she says. Avoid giving your opinion if you can but be empathic. So hard being a mum. Hope it all works for the best in the end Karen

TwiceAsNice Sat 03-Aug-19 17:50:06

Does he always scream and shout of is it just pre wedding? It would ring alarm bells for me. Can you talk to your daughter and ask if everything is ok? She doesn’t have to get married if this makes her worried. How long have they been together ?

Karenl2859 Sat 03-Aug-19 20:16:49

Thanks. They’ve been together 18 months and this seems to be the usual reaction to any disagreements. I’ve had him shouting down the phone at me in the past. I just think it’s so cruel threatening to call off the wedding because of disagreements with other people- it’s not as if he’s had a disagreement with DD. Don’t know how I’m going to pretend everything is wonderful on the day.

Karenl2859 Sat 03-Aug-19 20:18:35

She’s also very good at dumping all her stress on me ie what’s going wrong then when I try to talk to her she hasn’t got time or doesnt want to talk. It’s making me feel ill with worry

chelseababy Sat 03-Aug-19 20:28:32

I think you need to let her know it's not too late to call it off if she has any doubts. My dad said this to me in the car on the way to my wedding!

Karenl2859 Sat 03-Aug-19 20:46:35

Thank chelseababy my MIL tried to talk DH out of getting married on our wedding day. 32 years married now grin

Karenl2859 Sat 03-Aug-19 20:47:10

Might leave that to her dad to say on the day.

Luckygirl Sat 03-Aug-19 20:48:21

My mum said this to me as I was emerging from the loo after my final wee as a single woman.

Karen - I can see why this is causing you stress and worry. All you can do is be there for her - so hard for you. flowers

Merseybelle2 Sat 03-Aug-19 21:05:58

I think you’re right to be concerned. If he’s got a short fuse now and screams and shouts pre wedding the odds are he’ll be worse after. He sounds like a right tosser to coin a phrase. Your daughter should be seeing red flags everywhere over this. It’s a short step from this to domestic abuse. We know this from bitter experience in our own family.

Karenl2859 Sat 03-Aug-19 21:17:06

Merseybelle2 the red flags for us are him trying to cut her best friend (and Maid of Honour) out of her wedding day and her life. That seems to have blown over but very worrying.

SueDonim Sat 03-Aug-19 21:30:02

Your future SIL is already being abusive. He's using coercive control to try and manipulate people into doing things his way. I think it's fairly safe to say he won't improve upon marriage. Your dd should run a mile but obviously, that's not your decision. You can try to point this out to your dd but she's an adult and will make her own choices, in the end.

SpringyChicken Sat 03-Aug-19 21:32:50

It sounds like he doesn't want to marry to your daughter and is looking for an escape. A groom who is head over heels in love would be more likely to say that the matron of honour can't come to the wedding than punish the bride. Your daughter needs to think carefully about her future with this man. However, she needs to realise this for herself and won't thank you for saying it.
We knew our daughter was marrying the wrong man but kept quiet. The marriage lasted less than a year and she left him. It's hard to bite your tongue but you must. However, on the wedding day, I said if she had any doubts, it wasn't too late to back out and everything would be ok.

Merseybelle2 Sat 03-Aug-19 21:36:36

By the way you sound like a great mum who’s trying to do her best for her daughter. God bless you for being concerned.

luluaugust Sat 03-Aug-19 22:00:59

With a few weeks to go there is time for things to come to a head without you being involved. I don't think you can say anything unless something else happens, at that point may be you could challenge what has happened and don't let your daughter refuse to talk to you, you can say how worried you are about your DGD. I can see you are really worried. Is he the father of your DGD?

Callistemon Sat 03-Aug-19 23:03:18

All you can do is tell her it's OK to change her mind. If she doesn't then you will just have to paste a smile on your face and be happy for her but let her know you're always there for her.

He does sound as if he needs help with anger management.

stella1949 Sun 04-Aug-19 04:22:22

Keep smiling and stay right out of it. DD must know him well if she is marrying him .

Bordersgirl57 Sun 04-Aug-19 06:52:09

I agree with suedonim he is already being abusive and your instincts are probably correct.

Is there a third way? Could it be suggested that the wedding is postponed? Just to give everyone time to gather their thoughts and be certain.

Probably unlikely I know, all the arrangements have been made and there's always a sense of being on that trajectory and it would be difficult to stop it.

I fear you will just have to smile on the day and make sure your daughter knows you are there for her and never ever say "I told you so".

I wish you and her well.

Karenl2859 Sun 04-Aug-19 08:33:26

luluaugust he’s not the father of DGD. Her father was even worse! Obviously the type DD goes for. Thanks everyone I think I’m just going to have to paste on a smile and be there for her if it all goes wrong later on. I am going to try to get DH to ask her if she’s sure and reassure her it’s ok to stop/postpone things if she’s not. She responds better to him.

chattykathy Sun 04-Aug-19 09:11:07

I wouldn't leave it until the wedding day itself, I think that's a load of old fashioned nonsense. You know she's marrying an abusive man so I'd try to raise the issue asap or at least her DF could. Obviously she'll do what she wants but at least you will have reassured her that it's OK to call off or postpone the wedding.

Purplepoppies Sun 04-Aug-19 09:17:19

Gosh Karen, I really feel for you.
My dd heaps all her domestic problems on me then wonders why I have such a low opinion of her partner! It's a shitty situation isn't it?
I think in your situation I would be tempted to gently say it's ok to change your mind about marriage right now. But be prepared for her to tell him and for him to try and cut you out of your dd and dgd lives! He does sound like a controller, maybe bordering on abusive. If the last man (dgd father) was an abuser theres every chance this is a problem with your daughter's self esteem, as it is with mine.
She lurches from one crap relationship to another sadly, because she won't believe she's worth any better. It breaks my heart.
Good luck Karen ⚘

burtieb26 Sun 04-Aug-19 09:17:32

I married someone who sounds just like him. Big mistake. Now divorced but just reading your post brought all the anger and pain back to me. He won’t change it’s not nerves it’s controlling behaviour.

CarlyD7 Sun 04-Aug-19 09:18:25

Lots of good advice already - just wanted to add: you could just gently talk to her and explain that you're concerned at his shouting, and how he doesn't seem to be able to cope with anyone disagreeing with him, and how is this going to impact on their marriage (when disagreements are bound to come up in the future). If she starts to defend him, maybe ask her how SHE would feel if her own daughter was going to marry someone with such a short fuse? It may give her a different perspective? He sounds like a bully to me.