Pre wedding worries

I kept quiet when my daughter was about to marry what I thought was an 'unsuitable' man. Something about him that I didn't like at all, but she loved him. So we all went along with that.

He turned out to be an alcoholic, and gave her two years of absolute torment, before she finally divorced him.

I vowed then, never again to keep my mouth shut!

Had all the family voiced their thoughts at the time, maybe we would have saved her going through that disasterous time.

Speak up! Tell your daughter your concerns. If she doesn't listen, then you won't have the guilt of not voicing your opinion at the time.

Of course, I would always keep my doors wide open for my children.

I think I'd try to say something to my DD if she was in this position.

Maybe she wouldn't listen but I would feel I'd tried.

I'd try and keep calm during the conversation and try to avoid direct criticism future SIL.

I am rather shocked at the many suggestions to keep quiet and watch daughter and GD being abused.
I think it is anybody‘s duty to point out to the bride that his behavior is abusive and will not get better by itself. Sometimes people don’t see emotional abuse as abuse. I would raise my concerns and rather risk falling out with my DD and be banned from wedding than having the abuse of my daughter on my conscience.
I would tell her how I saw the situation and that I am concerned for her.

At least when she is with him and he acts abusive in the future she will recognize the abuse.

My grandfather was famously heard saying on the morning of the wedding of my aunt that he felt like going to a funeral. And what an abusive marriage it was. It broke his heart.

My mother and father came round to my house and shouted at me, told me H ‘was not the man for you, please think again’. I told her to mind her own and don’t shout at me, get out. Of course we didn’t speak again for years!
The sad thing was I didn’t marry him until 7 years after we got together. Even that was a farce, “you haven’t arranged to marry me because....then reeled off a load of excuses!
3 years after we got together I realised what a big mistake I’d made but how could I go back after all the screaming and shouting, not one member of my family tried to contact me and both my teenage D’s left and went to live with them. Consequently, I lost both of them too. Our relationship never repaired properly, though after a number of years I did go and see my mum, I was never bothered about my dad because he never liked me, not even as a baby but the pain of not being able to see my mum was unbearable!
I hope your DH does speak to your D and she does think twice about marrying this man because my H got rid of all my family and even tried to get rid of my one best friend. Now I have no friends because the only ones he wants me to have are his Labour friends! He even discusses my health problems with them which to me is very private!

TwiceAsNice - I met DH Magoo twelve months after my very very long toxic and abusive marriage ended. We were friends for five years before we married. I was diagnosed with PTSD along with one of my children due to the violence and abuse we suffered at the hands of my psychopathic ex husband. I was terrified of meeting someone else but fate intervened with a chance meeting.
We have been happy and still are despite health issues. There are many many good people in the world but there are also some evil people. I’m afraid I’d be doing time now if I saw an abuser moving in on one of my family. Be happy TwiceAsNice and hope every good thing and blessing comes your way. X

Merseybelle2 I am sorry if my
Post rings so many bells for you. It scars you doesn’t it? I hope you are happier now, I’d never have a relationship again

I would have to say I thought he was an arse.
Its an awful way to behave, and this is before the novelty should have worn off.
I don't see it getting any better.

It believe that you should talk to her & assure her that it’s not too late to change her mind, you can do this without passing comment about the man she is due to marry, just concentrate on her thoughts & feelings. Best wishes.

I agree with CarlyD7.

Have a conversation and book a therapist.

TwiceAsNice - Sadly I could have written your post.

I wish someone had spoken to me before I got married. I was only 19. It might have saved years of abusive misery for me and my children before I eventually left. Still feel guilt over some of the stuff my children remember.

As adults we are all very close they do not see their father and loathe him.

I can understand not wanting to interfere but I would have to say something.
Could you advise that if she married someone with such a short fuse she will spend the rest of her life walking on eggshells? Is that healthy?

No, it isn't. My dad was the most argumentative man in the world - mum suffered from high blood pressure - do you wonder why?

The best thing she could do is to walk away from this bully but will she listen? Probably not, I'm afraid. I wish you both well but fear the battle may be already lost.

I don’t like the sound of all this. Seems like DD is putting him first & he is putting her second ! Not a good start, surely suggesting maybe to wait a little before making such a huge legal commitment.

Firstly, I congratulate you on being a good mum. It’s never an easy situation to question let alone criticise something a boyfriend or future husband of a daughter is doing/saying in any given circumstance! I know my own daughter instinctively defends her partner anytime I try to question anything he may have done. My advice is say what you feel needs saying in as tactful away as possible, even if you get your head bitten off by her as at least you will know that at the end of the day you did your best to help. Just make sure you end the conversation on good terms with her and she knows you are only mentioning it because you care for her and want what’s best. Good luck.

Is he abusive to you bt shouting?

He IS being abusive, abuse is NOT just physical you know. Verbal abuse is just as bad, short temper is NO excuse.

Does he about at your GD a lot. Cause that would defo raise great big red flags!! She does NOT need this in her young life. I would be more than worried about her than your DD.

Another way of thinking about this OP Karen is to imagine what if.....in 2 years the marriage is terrible. will you wish you had spoken up in some way?
Or can you live happily knowing you kept out of it?

My DD was only 21 when she met controlling Dh and that wasn't really old enough to know what she was in for.

What worries me in your post is the DGC is involved. It is her who might pay the price. Because the trouble is this isn't just a marriage of 2 adults, it involves a young child and her life. Does future Sil shout at her as well?
It is not like the "cold feet" of a couple of single people. And to my mind that is why you have a right to speak up.....I don't mean alienate your DD but are you concerned for DGC at all? or are things ok there?

I had to watch ex SIL be very controlling with DGC and it broke my heart.

"Obviously the type DD goes for" probably explains why any criticism from you is going to be met defensively.

On my wedding day my Dad angrily told me that he’d give it 6 months & I’d made my bed so had to lay in it ........we’ve been married 48 years now ,had our ups & downs like everyone else but still together & best of friends.

I totally agree. You could have a quiet word with your daughter, you may be pointing out something that she's in denial about now, but perhaps knows in her heart of hearts it isn't right. You are a caring mother and I wish you luck.

I had cold feet just before the wedding but went through with it and we have just celebrated our golden wedding.
On the other hand, I had a boyfriend before meeting DH and had to dump him when he turned nasty one day and I saw the light!

Red flags everywhere
He won’t change.. sounds a right prat!