going it alone

Take a step back and look at what the future can hold for you. If you carry on as you are, what would that be like? If you make a clean break, could there be happiness? It's hard to know of course, but only you can decide. I really hope you can sit down with someone and talk it through and maybe that will help you see things a bit more clearly. Also, please do go for legal advice. All the best to you.

All of the above! But can I just add, and emphasise, that being alone is NOT the same as being lonely. Wishing you all the best and lots of luck with whatever you decide to do.

I left my husband 10 years ago and have absolutely no regrets. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Why should you spend it in misery when you can be free and, hopefully, much happier.

gigill your experience is not mine, a hundred times better alone than in a controlling, abusive marriage you may have made a mistake I didn’t, and I m sure sodapop and many other divorced ladies didn’t either
My advice is still the same if it’s not working go it alone there’s a big world of nice people out there and you can live happily without a man in tow

Gigill I'm sorry if you had a bad time. You do sound unhappy and bitter. There are lots of good men out there as Gransnetters can attest to.
It's still better to be happy alone than in a partnership which makes you sad.

Gigill You may have felt you made a mistake but that may not be the case for Sophie. She is recognising her problems and thinking about her options. Legal advice, Relate, counselling, talking to her partner are all good suggestions. She can then make informed decisions and prepare for change, one way or another.

I chose to leave my marriage and it was complicated but I prepared for it by developing my own independence. No it was not easy but it was the best thing for me and my children. I have never needed another man. Why do people think this is so important? You don't have to be lonely. There is a world full of people that you can have relationships with of so many different kinds, having fun, helping and supporting others, clubs, charity work, shared interests, using your expertise to help or just listening to others who need someone.

By the way 'boring' is not 'nothing' or 'gold'. It can be equally as soul destroying as violence, cruelty or control, just maybe not so obvious to the outsider. Believe me I know!

Don’t even think about leaving your marriage. It’s the worst thing you will ever do. He’s ok, you need to adjust so you’re ok too. Happy days. No lonely nights, no lawyers bills, no broken homes, no stigma, no skimping n scrapping, no dating unsuitable guys. You don’t need failure in your life you were perfect once upon a time so think very long and hard. If all he is is boring that’s nothing, mostly they’re violent, cruel, bad tempered, mean therefore boring is like gold, - from someone who made the mistake twice.

The suggestion about getting free time with a solicitor is a start. Also ask your doctor for counselling help. They might suggest Relate. They have recently helped my daughter.

25 years ago, I left my husband after 20 years of marriage. I saw a counsellor for over a year before I made the decision. She was brilliant. Listened and listened. That's what you need at first. We could all suggest things to you but it's you that has to carry it out so you decide. The solicitor will point you in the right direction legally. The counsellor will give you the strength to make that decision.

Good Luck.

I was by myself for the next 20 years. Had a couple of relationships but then (6 years ago) I met an old boyfriend who I knew in 1968. We married three years ago after I moved to live with him.

You feel like stopping 'sleeping with him'. I guess you mean having sex.
Tell him that's how you feel, and do actually stop if you want to.
Perhaps it would be the kick up the bum that he needs.

Also get legal advice so you know your rights, whether you choose to go ahead and split or not.

I always think it’s a good idea to move into a separate room when it isn’t going well. It might galvanise him into action for example or get you used to sleeping alone, but you must resist if he wants you back in until you get some of what you need in negotiations otherwise it’s messy. I know quite a few women this worked with either to wake up the man or as a step to leaving but sometimes women go back in too quick because it’s a relief to feel wanted.

Why are you cooking and cleaning for him? I'm constantly amazed at the number of older women who seem to expect to be domestic skivvies. He's a grown man - tell him to get on with his own chores or at least take an equal role. At the moment you are enabling his selfish life-style. If you want it to change, then you will have to change how you are around him.

No amount of ant-depressants will cure a bad relationship. Talk to DH, tell him how you feel, tell him unless you are both happy you will end the marriage. A marriage is a mutual relationship, at the moment from what you say, he has a housekeeper that he sleeps with. Sit him down and spell it out, he may be as unhappy as you are and that is why he keeps going out with friends.

I would rarely give advice to another as to whether they should end a relationship unless some form of abuse, physical or mental is involved.

But what I would say as a husband that it is essential that wives should have a life and friends outside the marriage. To wait hand foot and fingers on we husbands, effectively spoiling us as our mothers trained us to expect, is not in our, your or our joint interests.

The second thing I would say is if you are convinced that the marriage must end then do not rush, seek proper advice, ensure that you fully understand what your joint assets are and where they are and then and only then act.

My DH and I don’t do much together, but I do a lot on my own, so most of the time it works out.
However it is nice to have somebody to come home to and to talk about my day, or just to do nothing with. I know this is what people who are bereaved miss most.
Does this resonate with you?
If so, there may be some positive aspects you could work on.
If not, and you are thinking seriously about separating, here is most of the information that you need, before going to a solicitor.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/
It covers property and finances and children, if appropriate.

Definitely start doing more things on your own - look up old friends; maybe sign up for a nightschool class this September? Stop waiting for him to go with you. Either (a) he will be inspired to join you; (b) you will find that you can have a fun life whilst staying married, if that's what you want; (c) it will give you the courage to finally end the marriage. In the meantime, in your shoes, I would definitely take the advice already offered - check out your legal position with a solicitor and move into the spare bedroom!

I just wanted to add that being alone, going it alone is a much, much much better and happier experience than being in a bad marriage, one that drags you down - for any reason.

It takes courage to leave behind all you have known for ages and the 'habit' of being together. The first step is the hardest, but take it. I stayed ten years too long in a bad marriage and could kick myself for putting up with the stuff I went through.

You will feel better too for taking the bull by the horns and moving on. It's a positive step in the right direction. You only live once. (The practical advice to you, above, given by other posters, is excellent.)

You need to start doing your own thing.Marriage does not mean being joined at the hip. How much your relationship means to H will show when you start being 'you'
Have you no friends ? no nights out or even a holiday with the 'girls'. Only when you stop believing your marriage as a 'must do everything together relationship 'can things change. Can't he look after himself for a change.? You have the power to make changes without out the need for
medication. Go for it.

Sophie what would you like to do that he doesn't? You need to start making a list of all the things that you'd enjoy doing, this is a personal thing, you don't need to think about what he or anyone else would like. Really hone in on your ideas of perfect activities..the next bit is choosing which one to do. Start something new, it sounds like you need it badly.

Get rid of those pills and get rid of a man who has such disrespect for you that he won’t even acknowledge your feelings or discuss anything with you. He has 2 choices legally, sell the house or buy you out. I could write a book on going it alone and I’m happier now than I’ve ever been with no one dragging me down. I wish you luck and happiness ?

Why does the word 'depression' rear it's head if things don't go your way or life gets a bit difficult?

Just because you feel a bit sad or unhappy with the way life is at the moment, it does not mean you are depressed and certainly, pills are not the answer to a situation you can alter yourself by taking note of the advice offered on here re separation/divorce.

People are very quick to attribute illnesses or acronyms to an occasional flat mood when taking action to remedy the cause is the better way to resolve your feelings.
I'm not a believer in suppressing feelings with pills unless absolutely necessary and some doctors are too quick to prescribe without suggesting alternative non-medicinal solutions.

It is very demoralising being with someone who won't go out with you especially if he will with other people.
Speaking to a lawyer will not only give you information to help you know where you stand but will also give you an idea how you feel about splitting. Don't mention it to him again before you see a solicitor.

So he doesn't want to take you out - why are you waiting for him to do so ?
There is no reason that you can't have a social life of your own and if you did, you may well find that your view of him would change!
There is probably a few other women in your locality that feel the same about their own partners/ husbands! If there are any women's groups (WI, Women's Fellowship, Townswomen's Guild etc) that would be a place to start - ask some to meet up for coffee to begin with, days out or even short holidays, and I can bet that you won't feel so bad about your relationship.
I think of my own parents when I post this - after years of working away from home during the week, my dad only wanted to stay at home at the weekends - mum used to moan that he never wanted to go anywhere, so she had her own social life - they were married for 55 years before mum passed away.

This is a bit of a chicken and egg situation, which came first the depression or him ignoring you leading to depression. Maybe you need to have a different conversation about what is happening as there doesn't seem to be much fun in either of your lives. Of course take legal advice if you want it may help you work out what to do.

Seek legal advice - it doesn't need mutual consent nowadays

if you are not happy and you feel that the marriage has run it's course, then by all means seek advice regarding divorce, BUT could this be depression talking?