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going it alone

(33 Posts)
Sophie22 Mon 05-Aug-19 09:31:27

good morning i have been with my husband for 19 years and things was good at the start but over the last year things have gone down hill we just cant seem to get on and have different views what we want from life. i am 63 he is 56 he is a very boring person and never wants to do anything with me i cant remember the last time he took me out but he can go out with his friends now and again i feel im just here to cook and clean and just to look after him i feel like stopping sleeping with him as i feel that is all he wants from me , i have said about going seperate ways but refuses to put our house up for sell or even discuss it he never likes anything i do and feel at a loss and have been put on Antidepressants by my doctor any advice would hep.

Liz46 Mon 05-Aug-19 09:36:10

You should be able to have a free initial session with a solicitor. Meanwhile make sure you know all about the joint finances. I was divorced when I was 46, after 25 years of marriage and was very happy in my own little house. If I felt a bit lonely, say on a Sunday, I would just go to a yoga class and then have a swim.

By accident I met my second husband quite quickly (probably because the last thing I wanted was another man) and we have been together for about 28 years now, married for over 25 and are very happy together. Good luck.

Daisymae Mon 05-Aug-19 09:38:21

It doesn't sound as if you are getting much out of this relationship. I wonder if you have any family members that you could confide in? While living alone may not be a bed of roses it could be a better alternative. You seem to have discussed separation already, so things are serious. I would suggest seeking legal advice to see where you stand. Selling the house may not be up to him. Perhaps also you should reconsider your sleeping arrangements.

wildswan16 Mon 05-Aug-19 09:54:02

Certainly try to get a "free" legal advice session in your area. Also, you are able to go to an organisation like Relate - who are happy to counsel individuals as well as couples. Maybe talking it through with a counsellor would help you see the way forward and give you some support.

It seems a very daunting prospect before you start divorce proceedings but the outcome may be the right one for you.

BlueBelle Mon 05-Aug-19 10:07:23

Oh may I say living alone is a bed of roses compared to a bad partnership Yes there are times you feel lonely but that is made up for a 100 fold with hobbies, friends, just doing stuff
I think there is also a difference if it’s your choice if a husband leaves you through infidelity or even illness or death it’s much harder to adjust to

sodapop Mon 05-Aug-19 10:50:08

Yes get some legal advice Sophie22
I agree with Bluebelle completely.

glammanana Mon 05-Aug-19 10:59:19

Get that free advice from a Solicitor and get your finances in order,you are only young and have possibly 30+ yrs do you really want to waste it being miserable when you can make something on your own much more pleasureable.

FlexibleFriend Mon 05-Aug-19 11:02:16

Divorce is expensive especially if he's not interested but oh so worth it.

fizzers Mon 05-Aug-19 11:17:13

if you are not happy and you feel that the marriage has run it's course, then by all means seek advice regarding divorce, BUT could this be depression talking?

Caro57 Mon 05-Aug-19 11:47:06

Seek legal advice - it doesn't need mutual consent nowadays

luluaugust Mon 05-Aug-19 12:02:30

This is a bit of a chicken and egg situation, which came first the depression or him ignoring you leading to depression. Maybe you need to have a different conversation about what is happening as there doesn't seem to be much fun in either of your lives. Of course take legal advice if you want it may help you work out what to do.

jaylucy Mon 05-Aug-19 12:16:41

So he doesn't want to take you out - why are you waiting for him to do so ?
There is no reason that you can't have a social life of your own and if you did, you may well find that your view of him would change!
There is probably a few other women in your locality that feel the same about their own partners/ husbands! If there are any women's groups (WI, Women's Fellowship, Townswomen's Guild etc) that would be a place to start - ask some to meet up for coffee to begin with, days out or even short holidays, and I can bet that you won't feel so bad about your relationship.
I think of my own parents when I post this - after years of working away from home during the week, my dad only wanted to stay at home at the weekends - mum used to moan that he never wanted to go anywhere, so she had her own social life - they were married for 55 years before mum passed away.

Jaycee5 Mon 05-Aug-19 12:54:55

It is very demoralising being with someone who won't go out with you especially if he will with other people.
Speaking to a lawyer will not only give you information to help you know where you stand but will also give you an idea how you feel about splitting. Don't mention it to him again before you see a solicitor.

GabriellaG54 Mon 05-Aug-19 13:16:59

Why does the word 'depression' rear it's head if things don't go your way or life gets a bit difficult?

Just because you feel a bit sad or unhappy with the way life is at the moment, it does not mean you are depressed and certainly, pills are not the answer to a situation you can alter yourself by taking note of the advice offered on here re separation/divorce.

People are very quick to attribute illnesses or acronyms to an occasional flat mood when taking action to remedy the cause is the better way to resolve your feelings.
I'm not a believer in suppressing feelings with pills unless absolutely necessary and some doctors are too quick to prescribe without suggesting alternative non-medicinal solutions.

Coconut Mon 05-Aug-19 13:19:44

Get rid of those pills and get rid of a man who has such disrespect for you that he won’t even acknowledge your feelings or discuss anything with you. He has 2 choices legally, sell the house or buy you out. I could write a book on going it alone and I’m happier now than I’ve ever been with no one dragging me down. I wish you luck and happiness 💐

Joyfulnanna Mon 05-Aug-19 13:30:23

Sophie what would you like to do that he doesn't? You need to start making a list of all the things that you'd enjoy doing, this is a personal thing, you don't need to think about what he or anyone else would like. Really hone in on your ideas of perfect activities..the next bit is choosing which one to do. Start something new, it sounds like you need it badly.

sarahellenwhitney Mon 05-Aug-19 14:36:11

You need to start doing your own thing.Marriage does not mean being joined at the hip. How much your relationship means to H will show when you start being 'you'
Have you no friends ? no nights out or even a holiday with the 'girls'. Only when you stop believing your marriage as a 'must do everything together relationship 'can things change. Can't he look after himself for a change.? You have the power to make changes without out the need for
medication. Go for it.

Day6 Mon 05-Aug-19 14:47:27

I just wanted to add that being alone, going it alone is a much, much much better and happier experience than being in a bad marriage, one that drags you down - for any reason.

It takes courage to leave behind all you have known for ages and the 'habit' of being together. The first step is the hardest, but take it. I stayed ten years too long in a bad marriage and could kick myself for putting up with the stuff I went through.

You will feel better too for taking the bull by the horns and moving on. It's a positive step in the right direction. You only live once. (The practical advice to you, above, given by other posters, is excellent.)

CarlyD7 Mon 05-Aug-19 14:57:12

Definitely start doing more things on your own - look up old friends; maybe sign up for a nightschool class this September? Stop waiting for him to go with you. Either (a) he will be inspired to join you; (b) you will find that you can have a fun life whilst staying married, if that's what you want; (c) it will give you the courage to finally end the marriage. In the meantime, in your shoes, I would definitely take the advice already offered - check out your legal position with a solicitor and move into the spare bedroom!

Cabbie21 Mon 05-Aug-19 15:01:14

My DH and I don’t do much together, but I do a lot on my own, so most of the time it works out.
However it is nice to have somebody to come home to and to talk about my day, or just to do nothing with. I know this is what people who are bereaved miss most.
Does this resonate with you?
If so, there may be some positive aspects you could work on.
If not, and you are thinking seriously about separating, here is most of the information that you need, before going to a solicitor.
It covers property and finances and children, if appropriate.

absthame Mon 05-Aug-19 16:06:28

I would rarely give advice to another as to whether they should end a relationship unless some form of abuse, physical or mental is involved.

But what I would say as a husband that it is essential that wives should have a life and friends outside the marriage. To wait hand foot and fingers on we husbands, effectively spoiling us as our mothers trained us to expect, is not in our, your or our joint interests.

The second thing I would say is if you are convinced that the marriage must end then do not rush, seek proper advice, ensure that you fully understand what your joint assets are and where they are and then and only then act.

GillT57 Mon 05-Aug-19 16:12:39

No amount of ant-depressants will cure a bad relationship. Talk to DH, tell him how you feel, tell him unless you are both happy you will end the marriage. A marriage is a mutual relationship, at the moment from what you say, he has a housekeeper that he sleeps with. Sit him down and spell it out, he may be as unhappy as you are and that is why he keeps going out with friends.

Paperbackwriter Mon 05-Aug-19 16:39:34

Why are you cooking and cleaning for him? I'm constantly amazed at the number of older women who seem to expect to be domestic skivvies. He's a grown man - tell him to get on with his own chores or at least take an equal role. At the moment you are enabling his selfish life-style. If you want it to change, then you will have to change how you are around him.

FC61 Mon 05-Aug-19 19:41:47

I always think it’s a good idea to move into a separate room when it isn’t going well. It might galvanise him into action for example or get you used to sleeping alone, but you must resist if he wants you back in until you get some of what you need in negotiations otherwise it’s messy. I know quite a few women this worked with either to wake up the man or as a step to leaving but sometimes women go back in too quick because it’s a relief to feel wanted.

FarNorth Mon 05-Aug-19 20:09:20

You feel like stopping 'sleeping with him'. I guess you mean having sex.
Tell him that's how you feel, and do actually stop if you want to.
Perhaps it would be the kick up the bum that he needs.

Also get legal advice so you know your rights, whether you choose to go ahead and split or not.