Squalour

Aepgirl GuestCorrectly - remember it is HIS home and how he chooses to live is up to him. He is obviously OK mentally as he makes himself look nice and works. We must all learn not to expect everyone to live as we do.
But not when it affects the health and safety of neighbours! If the house in the OP is as uncared-for as described, it's highly likely that the electrical wiring has never been inspected and is possibly unsafe; it could also be structurally unsafe. There will almost certainly be mice or rats as well, and they won't be stopping at the property boundaries! The overgrown garden, besides spreading weed seeds far and which could also be housing one or more old overgrown trees with roots that are undermining his - or his neighbours'- foundations.
Unless a "hoarders' delight" house is out in the countryside with no neighbours nearby, it will be a hazard to others.

does he have a birthday coming up? You could suggest, that as your birthday present to him, you do a bit of a tidy/clean up - but only the stuff he wants you to touch? Might be a gentle way to get going. Often people are so pleased with the results when they can see a table or chair for the first time for years (!) that they then want everything else to be tidied up? You'll have to go in softly softly though, which you are well aware of.
good luck!

It sounds like he is a true ‘Hoarder’. It is a mental disorder that makes it impossible for them to get rid of anything and therefore their houses become filled to the brim to the point of being deathtraps in some cases. I have a relative like this and when I tried to help and ended up taking some rubbish to the tip they got extremely angry and totally disowned me for a while. We are on speaking terms again now but I do not comment on or offer help with their house. I suggest you do the same. The only annoying thing is when they are no longer on this earth some other poor soul has to deal with cleaning up their squalor. ☹️

Hmmm I know many men and ladies who are blind to messy homes. But if you saw my office\workshop you'd say maybe I'm the same. But I'm kept in order at home

GuestCorrectly - remember it is HIS home and how he chooses to live is up to him. He is obviously OK mentally as he makes himself look nice and works. We must all learn not to expect everyone to live as we do.

The friend I mentioned in my earlier post once told me that he had been refused renewal of his house insurance because he had not complied with certain safety measures, so it sounds as if his house is not only structurally unsound but also not insured. His neighbours have complained to the council about the state of his property and garden. He himself told me all this, with no real attempt to make excuses nor to put things right. When someone is of sound mind there is little you can do, except gently suggest getting help, but you have to wait for the right moment.

My brother is only 56 - divorced , and his place is a bit like that - not so bad, no mice and counter front is clean but the back is covered with bottles and spices and piles of crap that needs washing and put into cupboards.
I’m itching to get in there with a bucket of bleach but I don’t know how to say it - he’s s very intelligent man, far brighter than me. But a bit yuck. I always turn up with a Starbucks in hand because his mugs are stained. He smokes indoors too. His choice I guess.

I am not concerned about his living conditions if that is what he likes, but the MICE? Surely they need removing?
There used to be a program on TV called Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners and that showed plenty of properies in the same condition. He is not alone. My sister lived in a messy house in South Africa and would not allow anybody to visit . I invited myself over and travelled all the way to Cape Town, and she collected me from the Airport. From the outside I could see her house was going to be a tip: it looked awful, paint peeling all over. She proudly told me she had got an African man to clean up the day before. It was still full of rubbish inside. The kitchen particularly was awful. I was there 2 weeks and did some cleaning and tidying and throwing out every day. We visited a nearby friend of hers who said "X often visits, but she never invites me back." My sister knew her place was a mess but she just did not care. Some people are like that.

I could never live in mess, not even a bit of mess but if other people do that's their life and their business.
I'd not even be inclined to help clear it up. It would, 9 times out of 10, revert to the original state.
There must be a name for the state of mind where a person can happily ignore a house falling into disrepair and junk/dirt piling up.
Maybe it just got too much in the end. Men usually aren't as fussy as women.

Sounds just like my batchelor brother except he looks like a tramp although he explains it away by saying he’s been gardening. He drives a spotless merc and has a lovely house ( outside) came to a head when he fell breaking his leg and I went to assist. Hadn’t been inside for several years as he always had an excuse ( come and see the garden etc) I was shocked, as we’re his neighbours. One was feeding his cat and brought his own bowls across! When he was in hospital my husband and I attempted a clean up as social services wanted to inspect before he returned home to make sure safe for him. They had no idea how bad it was. In the event we did a massive clear out and he promised to be cleaner. He refused social services to come in and went home eventually. I’m not sure he even noticed the lack of cat poo everywhere, the clean curtains and floors and the lack of very out of date food clogging each cupboard. It was so upsetting but he lives his life as he wants and I haven’t seen inside again after one year. My sister and I know how he lives but respect his rights to independence. I just hope I’m not the one to turn the house out when he goes ( he’s much older than me and in poor health)

GuestCorrectly, I have sent a private message to your Inbox

Sometimes I think we can be too polite. Depends how close you are to this man and what your OH says. Perhaps suggest he gets a gardener or even perhaps one thing gets cleaned. Main concern is the sink and fridge and waste bins. He might be glad of a woman to nag him a bit.

Oh such a shame aggie,could you perhaps keep your crafting bits& pieces in a large plastic box,so you can just get to whats needed,or take all the gear to a local church or community group,or guides/ scouts,so you could teach others? Thus making cards to sell at a christmas fair or some such?Just some suggestions so you can continue to enjoy,and help others to enjoy, your beloved crafting skills?

Although my house is mostly clean and tidy I do have a couple of rooms and garage like this. I downsized to move into my dad's house and he never threw anything out. We did a big clear out at the time but I brought far to much from old house and genuinely don't know where to start. A lot of the stuff like lovely China and glass might be valuable but I can't face it.

We had a supply teacher where I worked who came quite regularly. Her hatchback car was packed with messiness to the roof. There must have been 100 plastic bags of stuff and food wrappings crammed in the back with only the driver seat clear and the passenger side filled up to wing mirror level. It fascinated me and in the many years I knew her it just got worse and worse. I don’t believe she lived in the car as she was clean and tidy at work but I did wonder what her home must have been like. Perhaps it was clean and tidy too and the car contained everything she had no space for.

I’m afraid unless it is a health hazard we have to let other people lead their lives as they want. It is after all ‘normal’ for them.

They probably think of you as being stiff and HOUSEPROUD!

Sometimes it does take others to give fresh eyes on things,i noticed after we had first been to see my nephew,2nd &3rd visits it did seem a little less cluttered,a bit cleaner on his kitchen worktop (so maybe then they realise its 'gone a bit OTT'?) But other than that,maybe best left alone.

I used to make greeting cards , stuff eveywhere , but I could lay my hands on whatever I needed . OH became housebound , carers coming in and they looked askance at what they saw as mess , shame caused me to tidy up , now I rarely make cards , I have all the makings and machines , but brought very few bits to the new house

Having said that,i would maybe mention that he should deal with the mouse issue.

Sounds like he is a hoarder. This is now recognised as a form of OCD. I dont know what to suggest as hoarders dont see the mess.

Some people are just happy living in a mess our daughter and son in law are. No matter how many times we have gone there and blitzed it days later it’s a mess again, so we gave up trying. I warned them that if social services went there they might not be happy that the children live among it. Our daughter said “our home our mess.

He could be suffering from depression and be disinterested/overwhelmed by the house, especially while he can escape to work - which gives him the perfect excuse to neglect his home.
On a much smaller scale, I neglected ironing and small decorating etc jobs while I was working and tied up with a voluntary organisation - now I have given up I am having to face it all!

If hes happy as he is,all you can do is leave him be i guess,you dont want to cause a rift between you.& imagine how you would feel if someone came to you trying to tell you how to live?

I have a nephew like this,only in his mid 40s,quite fine in other ways,but oblivious to housework.must be a man thing! (for some of them) ive four sons,(only 2 still at home) 1 who could clean for england,2 who dont seem to notice untidiness or dirt,1 whose room is ok,but wont help at home unless i ask him to do specific jobs like empty the bins etc.Unfortunatly for me the 1 who cleans is not one of them still at home

Guest Correctly, he sounds like my Sister, she was married and brought up 5 children in a 3 bedroomed council house. Her husband died 10 years ago and the children are all married with their own families. Her home is dreadful. Her grandchildren are not allowed to visit because of the mess but she has never asked her children why, she is in her own world. She is retired and lives on her own so has no excuse about not having any time. What annoys me most is that she is being selfish by taking up a 3 bedroomed house when she could give it up to another family waiting on the council list for a home and her to have a flat but she won't. Her family and myself have tried to help in the past but she is just in denial about it all.