Squalour

Sounds just like a man-friend of mine who I used to fancy till I saw his house. End of!

Perhaps one or two of the more obvious problems could be mentioned, e.g. mice, vegetation in porch, dilapidation.
Ask if he has noticed and see what he thinks about those things.
It may result in a conversation where he is happy for suggestions of help, or it may not.

when my Mum lived in sheltered housing a man moved in next door to her. He was an extremely well educated man, his appearance was immaculate. He even owned a Stradivarius violin. He went around on a moped which he kept in the bedroom.

One day just after Christmas he was found in bed quite poorly. he was taken to hospital but sadly died at New Year.

Apparently, he had no relatives.. When they came to clear out the bungalow they had to employ industrial cleaners, the poor man who cleaned the bathroom was off work ill for three days!

My Mum who thrived on cleanliness was very concerned that she may end up with vermin due to the state of the place and how he lived.

He must have a wonderful immune system!

Seriously, it is his house and I'd leave well alone.

I had an elderly neighbour exactly like this. He was getting ripped off by travellers. So I stepped in to help. He is in his 80's and an academic. Once he trusted me enough he let me into his house. He had not eaten a hot meal in years as unable to get to his microwave. Gas fire had been disconnected by British Gas due to fire hazard. Kitchen was full of saved yoghurt pots etc, and you had to climb over things to get about. It put programmes you see on tv in the shade. I tried to help him in anyway I could. In the end he became so vunerable I had to get social services, gp and police were involved. It was an uphill struggle and without going into too much detail is now living in a care home where he is warm and cared for. He has a hot meal inside him. Unfortunately, he doesn't recognise me any more. Just keep an eye on him and you will know when the time is right to force the issue for help. Good luck.

“wading through heaps of paper, boxes, tools etc to cross every room; preparing food on filthy worktops; living with peeling wallpaper, holed carpets and curtains, broken furnishings, door handles hanging off; a musty smell; mice; an overgrown garden; vegetation growing in his front porch.”
Sounds like more than “a bit of a muddle”.
I think it’s always worth asking if someone needs assistance. Especially when someone may not be aware of the level of neglect.. Turning a blind eye without giving it any thought or having a conversation is the easy way out. I think the OP is doing things in exactly the right way - having a think and talk, then raising the issue gently with the person. Sometimes, the fact that someone has raised the issue makes the person realise things have got out of hand. Otherwise, as long as their health or safety isn’t being compromised, it can be left for the time being?

It's his house and his life, if it doesn't bother him leave him alone. Unless you have clear evidence about health implications for him or his neighbours then it's neither your role nor your responsibility to take it further. Let him know that you are happy to help if he requests assistance and leave it at that.

I have a very close relative whose home is squalid! It depresses me every time I visit. I’ve mentioned it to no avail. I’ve decided to never stay again and I don’t travel in her car. Her car is definitely a health hazard. You can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

Speaking personally, I know that when I have felt a bit overwhelmed by work, life, etc, that I have had untidy spells. One friend came round, during one of my ‘low’ times, and was so horrified, he took two huge boxes of washing up home to do. I was shocked, and got my house in order shortly afterwards!

I don’t have anything to add about your friend except to say that my father (92) has become quite an untidy hoarder since my mother died. I don’t know how long some food has been in the fridge! We all do what we can, but he doesn’t really want us interfering.

However, amazingly he wants me to help him choose a new kitchen. I think we’ll have fun planning it, but doubt it will happen.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that some people value practical help from the right person at the right time and others don’t. Not sure how one decides when is the right time however!

MawB
Agree with you on that.
My late DH was the opposite and I was more than happy to let him 'take over 'as on many occasions it was a relief for me to come home, having worked late,to find everything in its rightful place which wasn't how I left it.

At 70 and still working perhaps he doesn’t have the energy or the inclination to clean up. My in laws were like this though they never were clean freaks like me it seems they were happy in their own world with piles of paper and correspondence on coffee tables within reach. Who are we to say who is right or wrong. He is socialising and working which gives him an income and company then he has a hobby in his tinkering with projects. Are we going to say on our death bed, oh I wish I had cleaned the house more! No we will think hopefully that our lives were filled with company love and a passion for life and living and hopefully no regrets. I think so long as the bathroom and kitchen are clean who gives a hoot. Unless of course there are problems with dementia or Alzheimer’s which is impacting on an otherwise tidy or orderly person. Watch from afar and keep an eye out for him is the best thing. Offer help if he asks but don’t be too quick to judge someone based on how tidy their house is or isn’t. I used to be so house proud polishing and vacuum everyday and everything was pristine top to bottom, then I got a life!

My Dad (now gone) lived at least 40 miles away from myself and my siblings (in various directions). After my Mum died he just let the place go. He lived with his pets rather than they living with him.
My eldest sister and I regularly give it a clean when visiting but could not keep on top of it as it would be as bad again shortly after but he was OK with it and hated us trying to clean it up. In the end we just decided to let him be.
When he died it was so bad trying to clear it out and as well as being sad about him going I felt sad that he had come to this. I feel guilty but it was his life and that seemed to be how he wanted to live it.

It is his choice - so you must respect this.

My forty six year old Son is similar,he has tools and such all over the place,never makes his bed in the mornings, has a huge pile of dishes in the sink, he takes clean ones directly from the dishwasher, when its empty he loads it again about every three days.When I visit I try to tidy a bit, but its for my sake not his. I dont think he realises how untidy it is, he lives in a three room apartment.When his teenage Sons visit they tidy around,but after a few days it is exactly the same.

I once offered to clean the house for someone who in their own words “had let things get a bit out of hand”. It took me days and the result was amazing . The person concerned was overjoyed and swore blind they would “keep it like this” . Within a few weeks it was a case of back to square one only worse . I never offered again .

Radical idea: Why not leave him to live his own life as he wishes.

Leave him be one mans squalor is another happy home
What a character Quinton Crisp was I loved his take on housework
My aunt lived alone until she died in her 90 s her home was ok but she would eat food will mould on (got to say never did her any harm)
We can’t live others lives through our standards unless they ask us to help them

The wonderful Quentin Crisp never did any housework in his Chelsea apartment between 1940 and 1981.

After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse he said.

He continued this practice after 1981, right up to his death in November 1999, aged 90.

Is this a case of a real “pig sty” which is also a health hazard or is it subjective- his “bit of a muddle” may be your “squalor”

Whatever happened to free will and the ability to make our own choices? He’s got mental capacity and isn’t asking for help so are you asking if you should interfere in the life choices of another competent adult? Where does actions like that stop? Just because you have different beliefs of how you choose to live and keep your own home doesn’t mean that you have any right to impose those on others, relatives or not. I’m totally not recommending his choice of living conditions for everyone, just advocating for the freedom to make ones own decisions until we’re unable or unsafe to do so.

I used to visit an elderly man who was like that. I did it as a favour because he lived quite close at the time. I'd never seen such squalor in my life------he was wealthy too and preferred to live in a pre-fabricated dwelling rather than one of his properties on the same land.

He'd offer me a cup of tea made with the water from his hot water bottle, eeuuww. Toast under the grill had been there for days and was curling up. Needless to say nothing passed my mouth in that place.

How I ever got the place clean and liveable I'll never know, but it took me weeks of visiting before it was habitable. Someone from across the road used to keep an eye on him too at night. He used to attend Quaker meetings in Liverpool until it wasn't safe for him to go out and about.

I've had relatives like this. In the end, you have to leave them to it as it's their life.

My friend is similar.

My Uncle got like that, his wife would have been so upset and embarrassed to see it. However nothing we suggested would sway him. He adamantly refused a cleaner, and all my poor Dad could do was buy him new underwear/clothes from time to time, and bring him nice meals.

When he had trouble walking, my Dad visited regularly and brought his whiskey allowance, watered down. When he eventually died, the place had to be fumigated, and a special clean done. His children kept their distance, it was all down to my Dad and our family. It was a sad end, but he chose what he wanted.

I would have a word with him, in a kind way. Even though he may not outwardly mind the mess, he may realize it is out of hand and an unhealthy environment.

Perhaps by reminding him he is protecting his investment by doing regular upkeep would be kinder. I think it would depend on how close your relationship is.

Thank you everyone for your replies and support. On the whole it sounds like we are taking the right course of action in doing nothing. Guess it was guilt as well as concern that made me post. No excuse for misspelling “squalor” though!