Deaĺng with feelings

MrsJamJam Your story is so like mine. You have worked hard for your so called 'luck'. You have brought up your sons to be good, caring young men. My ex too made his choices and more or less rejected our DSs, then reappeared after 15 years to almost destroy me financially (long story).

He died of dementia last year but I was so proud of my DSs who put aside their own feelings to support his family (and new partner) and to attend the funeral as coffin bearers. I also went to support them (and his family). It was a very difficult occasion but brought us all closure for which I am grateful.

You too should be proud MrsJamJam. You made a good life for yourself and your DSs and have clearly remained a kind and caring person. You must never feel guilty. Please continue to enjoy your life. You deserve it.

I guess you wonder what might have been.

Life has moved on, you were strong enough to move with it.

Don't look back and feel you don't deserve the life you made for yourself and your children. They may not have been the people they now are without you.

Keep moving on, there is nothing that can be changed. Love your life.

Well life is swings and roundabouts. Sometimes things are good and other times not so great. Enjoy what you have while you have it. As long as we feel that we are doing our best then there's nothing much more to be done. Illness is a fact of life, just like birth and death. We work out way as best as we can and play the cards that life has dealt. Xx

Thank you all. it has helped me to put things in better perspective and do some constructive thinking. I may have felt devastated all those years ago, but I do realise that actually he did me a big favour. I certainly wouldn't be the person I am now if we had stayed together. You all function very well as counsellors ?

You have nothing to to feel guilty about. My first husband ended up in very bad health and eventually died this year, I felt really sad and kept remembering him in our early years of marriage and courting. BUT it was the luck of the draw in life and health and not my fault he ended up as he did. Same for you.

I have ended up with a good life and happy children,. Would it have been any different if we had stayed together, I don't know or care, this is how life turned out and I cant change anything.

MrsJamJam, do stop beating yourself up! First husband made his choice years ago, he didn't want you or the children so he left!

You pulled yourself up, brought up two children single handed thus making a life for you three.

You're now happily married and sons have settled in their own lives, but first husband who wasn't interested in the boys or you years ago has now had Karma served upon him! Not your problem my dear!

Leave his wife to it. Not your problem.

What everyone else says??
Being a single parent because your DH was too immature to handle family life, and doing it well, is a credit to you.
You deserve your happiness.
If your sons want to help their Father, it’s their choice ( and all credit to them too, you brought them up well.)
You have no reason to feel guilty at all.

All you can do is help your sons when they need advice or just someone who will listen when they need to discuss their father's illness.

You have certainly no reason to feel you owe him any help and his second wife sounds a right piece of work. Your remark that she felt his financial help to his sons was taking money away from her children really got my goat.

No-one asked her to marry a man who already had children. Well, obviously he did, but you know what I mean.

In my book, if you marry a divorcé with children you should expect and encourage him to contribute to the upbringing of the children he already has fathered.

I wouldn't suggest anything at all to this woman, and if your sons pass on suggestions you make to them it would probably be better if they don't mention that the idea was originally yours.

STOP feeling guilty.
I would suggest that his new wife joined the Carers UK helpline to check she is getting all the help she is entitled to.

As your ex-husband's wife doesn't want help from you, just keep supporting your boys through this difficult time.

as said, you care too much.some of us suffer with excess guilt,I know i used to,the cause- very strict parents, catholic church,
knocked any sense of being good enough, took me a long time to work out. you are not responsible for your ex,look after yourself.

If he's suffering from Dementia, he probably doesn't dwell too much on what's going on around him.

In any event, he was responsible that you both went your separate ways. You didn't fail him, he failed you! If you want to help, by all means do so, but you never owed him anything....not then, and not now!

There is no such thing as luck..... whatever you have you’ve worked very hard for...and if you’re now ‘sitting pretty’ as you put it , then sit pretty and enjoy it. He walked out on you when you had two young boys ...youve had to carve out a life for you and those boys and by the sound of it done an excellent job.You have nothing or nobody to answer to. By all means send your best wishes to your first husband if you want to....but he’s is other family responsibility now. He is your sons father and for that reason only he deserves consideration for thier sake. But this consideration or any help must be low-key!

It seems to me that, as others have said, you have made your own luck. Don't feel guilty for having made a good life for yourself and found happiness again with someone else. Your sons have obviously benefitted from the upbringing you gave them and are showing care to their father as they should. You have done all that is necessary so enjoy the good life. Support your sons where you can but it's probably best to keep your distance as 2nd wife has made it clear she doesn't want you around. If you really want to help, offer via your sons, but never feel guilty for being happy. You deserve to be!

I agree with SisterAct You will always have some sympathy for the father of your children, nothing wrong with that it does you credit.
All you can do now is support your sons and help them if you can with this situation. Don't feel guilty.

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I do get it. My ex was selfish, lazy and bad tempered and when I left him after 20 years, I hated him. But I tried to get on and the children keep in touch with him even though they know what he's like. So I guess if he became ill and needed care, I couldn't just let my kids carry all that burden. I would help for their sakes. So if you offer your children your support through this, even if you're not physically involved, maybe you would feel less guilty? (Definitely not that you should AT ALL). Does that make sense? I know what I mean! All the best.

You sound a very caring person.and by the sounds of things you brought up two caring sons all you can do is support them you don't need to feel guilty .best wishes

You are a good person - you have worked hard and survived through your early challenges of raising your boys as a single parent. But not a good idea to think about contributing financially to you ex’s current situation, even if your sons have taken this step themselves.....but that is because he is their father.

Your responsibility lies with your current life and to your second husband.

Why do you feel guilty, MrsJamJam? He made his decision many years ago. It’s not your problem now. Enjoy your life with your new husband.

Apart from doing a great job of bringing up your boys in difficult circumstances you have probably been the "Responsible" one most of your adult life.

Seems like all your hard work and care has brought you your just rewards. But ...

Being the "Responsible" one can leave us being a bit of a responsibility kleptomaniac and it's not an easy transition to someone who can enjoy life when all their hard work is paying off.

Getting to grips with how life turned out for others can bring it's challenges and you clearly are a person who cares. However, your ex- husband made his choices as did his wife.

Now their life is changed in an awful way that none of us would wish for but it is their life. His wife's bitterness at your ex's payment toward his sons is her business and as others have said "she knew he had son'e and and ex wife. She had a choice to go ahead with their relationship and have a family OR not.

You must have done a great job with your boys that they want to help and your ex and his wife are very fortunate that they do.

So how do you put your feeling of being lucky in perspective? As has been said "you've made your own luck". Enjoy your life as it is now and may is continue for many years to come.

If you feel you need to "Do something" support your son's. Offer through them, if you must, help to your ex and his second family. But do remember he is their farther and children of parents with Alzheimer's can start to fear for their own later life.

Also none of us know what the future will bring. Before the end of our lives we all have challenges, pain, sadness and Joy to come so count your blessings.

Feeling fortunate can be difficult when others are living with misfortune but we each have live with the choices we made and the hand that we are given.

So it is OK for you to feel glad that your life is as it is. It is OK to feel that you have had a lucky escape in the long run after all the difficulties you had to deal with by being a single parent years ago. Those feelings would not be wrong and if you are thinking along those lines give yourself a break.

Remember none of what is happening in your ex's life is as a result of anything you did or didn't do. Karma is a bitch. Enjoy your rewards and good luck with finding a balance in this situation.

Unfortunate and difficult things can happen to anyone and I don't always believe in karma. My family struggles with my mother's Alzheimer's, but none of my sister's exes helped and we did not expect them to. If your sons can help that is great. You've done your job by instilling good values in them.

You sound like a very caring person. Its refreshing to hear from an ex wife who is not vindictive.
Some things are meant to be. If you and your 1st husband had stayed together are you likely to have had the sucess and happy life you have achieved ?
In a way he did you a favour and it all worked out in the end.
He was a very important part of your life so understandably you probably care what happens to him.
I think you just need to support your boys through what is a difficult time for them and leave the past in the past.

You sound like a lovely person and you have worked hard for what you have now. I am glad you now have a new husband who sounds the opposite of your first.
You cannot do anything about your ex husband's health. Dementia is incurable and sadly it is hard to live with somebody who is suffering from it. My husband had Alzheimers and it was difficult for me. But it is not your responsibility now. It is his second wife's.
You deserve to be happy. Enjoy your life. Don't feel guilty.