Deaĺng with feelings

Because you have too much empathy!

What could you do to help? Nothing.

I think you made your own luck in difficult circumstances. There is a saying something like: the harder you work the luckier you become.

Find to feel sorry for him and his wife but don't put yourself down, sounds to me like you deserve to be 'lucky'. Enjoy.

^ but husband didn't want to settle down to parenthood and domesticity. ^
^ but he had remarried and had another family and I know his new wife felt I was taking money that her children should have, so not a happy situation.^

So, he left you to bring up your children alone, and then decided domesticity was ok?
You have worked hard for what you have. He is not your responsibility.
Your sons are adults, what they do is up to them.

He will always be the father of your children, so you will have some empathy towards him. You have worked hard and provided for your sons and yourself. You deserve the happiness you have, enjoy it.

Well I think you sound like an amazing person - I’m so glad things worked out for you ( through your own efforts) but I don’t think anyone can stop you feeling as you do - it’s just part of the clearly lovely person you are. There are plenty of people who have good fortune who have done nothing to deserve it and yet who complain and never consider others or realise their undeserved luck. Just carry on being so nice.

You haven't been "lucky" or "fortunate". You were left in a very difficult situation, worked extremely hard, made a home for yourself and your children and carved out a career for yourself. That isn't luck. That is hard work, about which you should be extremely proud.

It is of course sad that your children's father is now unwell - but his care is for his wife, new family, and whatever contribution your boys want to give.

His wife had a cheek if she resented the support he gave to his sons. She knew his responsibilities before she married him.

I hope the 2nd wife has contacted the Alzheimer's Society for help and advice. If not you could suggest it.

Thank you all. Such kind and caring comments brought a lump in my throat. Gransnet is an example of the best of social media and I value you all. I will tell my boys to suggest the Alzheimer's society, that might be a helpful idea. With luck, the sun is coming out tomorrow

You have not been 'lucky' but have earned every bit of your success.

The point is if you feel you want to help him and you could help him why not?

Alexa - I couldn't do anything to help because wife number 2 has always made it very plain that she wants nothing to do with me, so I keep well away. At least she has forged a good relationship with my boys, which took many years. It wasn't happy when they were children.

If wife no. 2 has always made it plain she wants nothing to do with you, there isn't much you could do to help. Maybe now she has difficulties, she'll change her tune.

You've made a good life for yourself. If you want to assist (it may help your boys) and your husband and wife no. 2 don't mind, do as much or as little as you want.

You have no reason to feel guilty. You did wonderful job and raised two caring sons who still keep a relationship with their father in spite of his second wife's efforts to prevent him from taking responsibility for and maintaining a relationship with his sons.

I think he's lucky his sons even make any effort with him.

You know the saying what goes around comes around and I'm afraid he has got his karma . Just get on with your life because of if the shoe was on the other foot , would be give a damn

So it seems you have been hearing about all this from your sons, who are trying to help.
Perhaps your impulse to help is really because your sons are struggling with this?
Can you do anything that would help them, without being involved with ex-H or wife 2?

BusterTank is right, though. You can bet neither of them would think of helping you, if the situation was reversed.

I wonder if he was your first love...even though he treated you not so well, you do explain you were both young etc. I think you may be feeling a bit of grief for him, vestiges of love. Sadness that you are not able to help too but that is his wife's choice, how threatened she must always have felt. And even if what I surmise is true, it's no reason not to enjoy what you actually have in your life now, a lot of it to do with being the lovely person you are.

I was in a similar situation. I brought up my daughter alone while her father remarried and had three boys. I remarried many years after the divorce and, until he died, had a very happy life with my second husband.

His second wife asked me to come to my first husband’s funeral because, as she said, “You once loved him too.”. I think that is where the sympathy comes from

What a kind soul you are.You have done what you need to do to support
You started right from the birth of your sons.
Youve done your share

The fact you stayed single for thirty years says the separation may not have been as' mutual' as you want to believe.H did not take long in finding a new wife and producing a new family.
Stop torturing yourself. Isn't it enough that your sons are showing their father compassion.? You owe him nothing so carry on with your life..The past is the past let it stay there.

You are a much nicer person than me, I was in exactly the same circumstances. He left me with 3 kids who I had to work 3 jobs to bring up while his new wife didnt work at all. Only 1 of my children now speak to him thanks to 2nd wifes behaviour which he never questioned. When I had to kid my children on we were having a picnic cause they had been good, rather than tell them it was all I could afford for them to eat, I have wished all sorts on him and her, and am still waiting on Karma kicking their backsides!

Mrs. JamJam, Since the second wife won't let you help there's nothing you can do except know your heart is good.

You will never stop having some feelings for him as he's the Father of your children.

I went to see my ex,, DD's Father with my DH when he was in Hospital with Terminal Cancer. I can't describe how I felt but I left his care to his Wife. It's a strange situation.

When DH died I asked his ex & her DH to the Funeral, after all she was the Mother of his children & we got on well.

In your position all you can do is support your sons & point them in the right direction for help & advice,

You sound like a lovely person and you have worked hard for what you have now. I am glad you now have a new husband who sounds the opposite of your first.
You cannot do anything about your ex husband's health. Dementia is incurable and sadly it is hard to live with somebody who is suffering from it. My husband had Alzheimers and it was difficult for me. But it is not your responsibility now. It is his second wife's.
You deserve to be happy. Enjoy your life. Don't feel guilty.

You sound like a very caring person. Its refreshing to hear from an ex wife who is not vindictive.
Some things are meant to be. If you and your 1st husband had stayed together are you likely to have had the sucess and happy life you have achieved ?
In a way he did you a favour and it all worked out in the end.
He was a very important part of your life so understandably you probably care what happens to him.
I think you just need to support your boys through what is a difficult time for them and leave the past in the past.