Criticism

Sevenup, try and the feedback positively. They just want the pleasure of your company, no price of admission.

Whatever their reasons for it wanting gifts, it’s their home, their family and their household.

I wouldn’t think you’d want to ruin a lovely relationship over a few gifts.

Just be happy they want you to visit, empty handed

Sevenup
How about redirecting generosity where is needed? Homeless shelters, hospitals, volunteering, etc.

It could be control, but also, it's becoming far more normal now for people to just see how senseless and materialistic some of our lives are.

Perhaps they're following a more eco friendly approach to life?

Yes I agree on the sweets etc it’s never sweets. For the children it is usually a book (once a month) or a gift from a trip- something I know they’re ‘into’. Always v small.
For adults might be bottle wine if we’re there for dinner, or a cake or a lasagne......
Being too generous was definitely a criticism - ‘we don’t need your help / we can cook / we can afford stuff’ etc
I’m sure it’s linked to my son needing to be in control, my daughter in law is less hard line.
Absolutely NO birthday presents for GD’s first birthday next month is the latest- she has everything she needs already.

How often do you see the children? What are you taking?

If you turn up daily bearing sweets or clothes or toys or bottles of wine (for parents) or big boxes of food, yes you are being too generous and 'Too generous' is a polite way of saying, step back you are treading on our toes and encroaching on land that is the land of the parents.

I f you visit every month and turn up with a dress for your GD and a game for GS and win for the adults, then I think that is OK.

I always liked Osh Kosh as well and my step daughter wasn’t fond so had to restrain myself....!

I never visited my gc with treats, well there was 5 of them, I didn't even buy Easter eggs as they were given plenty by others. So I treated them in different ways, with weekends away camping or days out.

I also kept clothes at my house for their visits as my son allowed them to pack their own clothes for trips away. A fairy dress is not suitable wear for a camping weekend.

My daughter use to be rigid about what my grandson wore, so would be strict about what clothes I was allowed to buy him. She's relaxed as he's got older though. She mocks what she calls my dungaree addiction (I LOVE Boden and Osh Kosh dungarees) but leaves me to it.

Our young GCs live quite a distance away and we only see them about 6 weekly, so I do usually take them something like books from Oxfam, which they can recycle when they've finished with them and also usually make a cake. I think it depends on parents wishes and how often you see the children. I suspect daughters in law may be more prickly about this than daughters, because of what has been the norm in the family?

I do think it is wise to ask the parents if you plan to bring something. They are the ones who have the responsibility of bringing the children up; and their rules apply.

It's best to ask the parents first. I've never bought any of my GC sweets or chocolate, it hasn't really crossed my mind, tbh. I check first if I see toys they might like, as I don't always know what they have already. It seems to work well, no one has complained.

I know we want to treat our grandchildren and see them happy but if other grand parents are doing the same thing it can be too much. I also think like FarNorth they would be happy to see us without treats every time. I made a point of never treating my children or grandchildren in the same way. Sometimes one of them had a treat sometimes another, I dislike it when its an expectation. I remember taking my grandson to the toyshop once and saying he could pick something from the pocket money range, he replied no its ok I don't need anything today thank you. Sadly he grew out of that as he got older

I think most parents wouldn’t want their children to eat sweets every day whatever the source but if it’s only every couple of weeks from a loving grandparent - then it’s pretty harmless.

I too remember the odd half a crown Lemongrove - a very rare treat. More usually a silver sixpence and even the lovely threepenny bit was a treasure!

Yes, I have been told not to take toys/chocs everytime I visit, which is once or twice a week .....

Thinking back.....my MIL used to always have some sweets for our children and gave them the moment they got in the door, with the result that they always looked for them in the first few minutes instead of being pleased to see Grandma ( and came to expect treats as their due!)
I remember thinking it would have been better to give them as we left the house instead.
I also remember ( with fondness, haha) various Uncles shelling out a half crown to me as they left after a visit.

Maybe they genuinely believe you are too generous and that you can't really spare the money for all the treats you give - especially as you say you give to your adult children also.

They probably want you to know that they are delighted to see you, without gifts.

It all depends....is the ‘oh dear, you are too generous’ comment just being polite, or do they really feel you are pushing the boat out a bit too often?
We often give small treats, edible or books/ stickers / comics etc and have never felt any disapproval from any quarter.
If you know that the parents prefer you not to give sweets there are other options.
A lot of children these days have far too much anyway, which is a shame as grandparents can never spoil them.

Perhaps they are worried that you are spending too much of your scarce resources on them. Don’t be hurt, they may be worried about you!

It is not about control. It is about parents wanting their kids to eat a healthy diet, being able to eat lunch/dinner, etc.

There are so many ways to bond with a gc that do not break the parents' rules

I think that the op is referring to a DH or partner?

Of course Jane10 - if they’re that sort of parent. I wasn’t as I knew a quiet word when something serious was at stake would sort it. In turn, I’ve always checked before treating my grandchildren to see if parents are ok with it.

Treats that parents have asked you not to give DGCs may harm your relationship with the parents though.

I never bought sweets for my daughter apart from an egg at Easter as her grandparents turned up once a fortnight with sweets for her which was fine by me. She’s in her late thirties now and still doesn’t have any fillings so occasional treats don’t do a lot of harm.

I never really allowed anyone to give my daughter treats when she was small, because she was a picky eater, and I wanted to enforce the idea that if you don't eat dinner you won't get sweets to fill up on.

With regards to other treats, I quite simply didn't want an over indulged child.

If your treats are undermining the parents’ wishes eg sweets, then it is time to change tack.
For example, I rarely give treats, but at Easter it was a £1 egg and tickets for a day at the climbing centre, which met with approval all round.
This summer I have sewn lots of name tapes on new school uniforms. That is my contribution, cost me nothing but saved their mum lots of time and hopefully keeps them from losing kit at school.
When they come to my house I offer something from the treats box but they never take more than one. Well brought up, healthy grandchildren.
The other lot of GC have always been over- indulged, and I never get a thank you for anything I give them, which seems paltry in comparison with what they have already got. So I might not bother any more.
Every family is different.