Lost some confidence with my son

KatyK. I totally agree. Well said!

Alexa. I have to say I am jumping in (sorry) having only read as far as your explanation regarding the eBay sweater. Jumping in there because I am simply so shocked!

I too, like GoodMama think your DS is way out of line! I don't care if there is an optimal way of dealing with a disappointing purchase on eBay. You weren't to know. We all make mistakes. You have the right to fill in the "How was your purchase?" form in an honest way, even if you haven't contacted the Seller!

To be honest, eBay's returns method is quite complicated. I once was sent the wrong item, which had the same name as mine but was a later edition. The Seller had put in his own note saying to contact him before complaining on eBay and he would sort out any complaints. This message - a little slip of paper - fluttered to the floor, so I began the eBay returns process. Then I found out why the Seller said don't use it!! Anyway I got a really nice and understanding Seller and I learned a bit more about what to do...

Life is about learning! We do what we believe to be best at the time. We do not deserve to be made to feel small by anyone just because they are a clever Dick who knows the "right" way to do it! I maintain that it was your right to choose the way you did it anyway. Plus it was your right to make a kind donation to a Charity. I have done that so often with internet purchases which people probably would tell me I ought to send back. Sending back is a hell of a palaver. Letting a Charity benefit is your good deed for the day.

I was bullied by my children, harangued about what I bought etc. Then my friend got really mad when she heard about it and said:

"They have no right to speak to you like that! You are their mother! They should show some respect! It's none of their business what you do with your money! Don't allow them to talk to you like that! Remember, they are the children! You are their Mother! Tell them to show some respect!"

This was a friend who sat on the Magistrate's Bench for about 20 years.

Now, whether you dealt with the jumper your DS's way or your way is irrelevant! He should NOT be putting you down! That is a serious breach of respect. It is bullying. He has no right to speak to you like that, whatever you have done. To go on at you for some length about a £15 jumper is cruel. It is way out of line as has been said by GoodMama.

I think that Bluebell has hit on the right explanation and her advice is good.

I certainly am very careful about what I share with my children. I have one SoniL in particular who has a senior role at his work and is "always right" and always telling you what you "should have done". For example, I bought a new car on a special day at the main dealer's for over £1000 off. I had free maintenance and Service and the road tax paid for three years. Three years later I sold it back to them for the same price! I had had a car for free for three years and only had to pay for petrol! This SonIL started telling me what a bad thing I had done etc... Eventually I asked him how many cars he had bought or sold. Answer; "None"!

If you don't feel like telling the family something because you fear your son will chastise you and make you feel small, this is a very bad thing. This is not a healthy relationship.

Your problem isn't about not being able to tell them something or how to get round him. It's about his not respecting you and bullying you.

It is about how on earth he thinks it is ok to talk to his mother like this and put her down! No son should ever do that!

In my book it is immoral. If he wants to help you do something a better way, then he says, "Mum, next time, you could try doing this.... It works for me and is less hassle..." He never assumes he has the right to upset his mother and treat her as though she is stupid!

Sorry to say it rather bluntly Alexa but I think you need to get back to basics with your son. Become the mother again, this time the lesson is teaching her son how to respect people. I'd say to him that you realise you have not done your job as a parent or that he has forgotten the lessons you taught him so you need to start again.
Lesson 1: Respect his mother! Do not speak to her as if she is his subordinate and can be put down and lectured. He needs to learn to show some thoughtfulness and respect for his elders. Not everyone does everything the way he says. He does not lay down the law to you and criticise you. He may respectfully explain that he has a different way of doing something. But only if he explains respectfully!

As for I now feel I can't tell him my news. I would be inclined to say openly that you have something to tell them but in the shocking light of how your son has shown such disrespect for you and upset you so much, you have decided not to put yourself in a position whereby he can bully you any more. You will not be telling them because you cannot trust your son to treat you with the loving respect any normal son would give his mother.

Maggiemaybe gives some examples of behaviour which might lead our AC to be shocked at us, but even then I would expect them to show some sensitivity and perhaps say wtte: "Mum! You mustn't say things like that! It sounds Racist! We are not a racist family!" This is because unfortunately I had to deal with my mother's dementia, she used to say things she thought were ok, in the early stages, which she would never have said when she was well. It was as if she had lost her understanding and was living in the ignorant days of her upbringing when people did not understand what being racist was or how cruel it is. If a parent is not ill and is determined to be ignorant and racist or rude, then I would definitely accept their AC showing their disagreement and dissociating themselves from such behaviour. But that isn't the issue here.

Good luck Alexa! Your son will only treat you like a stupid underdog that deserves a good telling off, if you behave with him as though you are a poor subservient meek underling who gets everything wrong and doesn't deserve respect.

I said on another thread recently, When told to stop being a door-mat, the person said "How do I stop being a door mat?" The answer was "Stop lying on the floor and letting them walk all over you."

Stop appeasing him! Stand up to him! He was wrong to be rude. He was a bully. Are you proud to have a son who picks on an old lady and makes her feel put-down and frightened? Isn't that what bullies do? Isn't it time he learned to behave decently?

Still confused as to why son has to know about £15.00?
Surely it's your business.

alexaI don't really think it was any of your sons business really. It's up to you what you do with your purchases and also how and what you feedback. I'm sorry you have been made to feel bad. I would perhaps try to shrug it off. Tell him your news and if he is rude, bullying tell him he is out of order and he is not to speak to you that way.
Good luck!

I sympathise with you, just before Christmas the same thing happned to me I was so humiliated I burst into tears, which didnt affect my Son, he just kept shouting almost threating me, this was infront of hs teenage Son who didnt dare to comfort me in front of is Father later he sent me a lovely text message.I realise later my Son was deperate in a financial sitiuation he couldnt cope with, he has never apologised but we get on again, although its like stepping on egg shells approaching some subjects.
I think its the disappointment about having brought up a Son so well, and this kind of thing happen,I send my good wishes to you Alexa.

Difficult to comment when non of us know the circumstances or the type of relationship you have. Sometimes kids outgrow their parents....not suggesting it’s the case here....but I’ve seen kids who against all odds, be the first in a family to go to uni...become a professional, maybe end up with a doctorate and the common ground between parents and child is lost over time....in fact apart from upbringing...there is no common ground. My mum had more than a passing relationship with alcohol....I used to drive three plus hours to her house to take her out for lunch and she could be falling down drunk. I know at one point I told her that none of us, her kids could continue with her rudeness to us. If your son is assuming you and he have changed places...ie. he is now the parent...remind him who gave birth, brought him up....nurtured him and suggest he save his smart mouth for his daughter...then carry on the conversation like you hadn’t said anything.

Pah! If your son is saying it from an eBay sellers point of view then ..... he should also know if you don’t get it right you are in line for negativity.
It is unacceptable to treat your mother as a fool or make her feel like one.
But I agree with the comments re “perfect daughter “ sounds a little loaded.
Mothers and sons ..... Fathers and daughters !

I agree with some others though,the ebay thing really isnt 'news' as such so i wouldnt have mentioned it in first place,unless you just wanted to rant about it to someone to feel better,which in that case ok but its still not your sons place to tell you off for it! Youre not a child.maybe he needs reminding NOT to do that to you,nor to his wife? But if its some other 'major' news that you now darent tell him then dont,leave it till you really have to.Also then reminding him youre an adult & and can do what you like.

As for ebay,ive noticed that if you put a 'bad' experience on the sellers feedback then they pester you with emails till you give them a good review wether you want to or not! I reported this fact to ebay,so its up to them to follow up,but i pointed out that if the sellers only ever want 'good' feedback why ask for it in the first place?! Anyway i now find its easier NOT to review them at all,& just delete any emails asking to review them till ebay get fed up.

Im afraid my older kids try lecture me ooccasionally,& I have to remind them who'se the mother.I think sometimes because they are the parent to their own child,therefore the one doing the 'telling off',that they sometimes get carried away.

I can't see that it was any of his business. I sometimes think that when we get to a certain age, our children assume we are doolally. It makes me cross.

Well i would not give a toss about the awkward silences - if he asked about my news i would say - i have none - end of. How dare he talk to you in such a condescending manner, Ok we are no longer young, perhaps a bit dated, slow, but we were not always that way and apart from the fact that you brought him up - were you that way then - certainly not. Sorry but i don't like it one bit. Its disrespectful and unkind. Big hug to you xxx

Unless he paid the £15 or the negative feedback was on his account then he should keep his big mouth shut - how dare he lecture you!
I have left negative feedback on eBay without contacting the seller - received a broken toy not as described (It was an Xbox but only 1 controller worked - not as described)
I didn’t want the bother of returning it and bought a new controller - I left negative feedback to warn other people - I didn’t want to discuss it with seller who obviously knew - I wanted to warn others, so no, your son was not right and it’s entirely your choice - Don’t let him talk to you like that and please tell him how you feel - it may become a habit he can’t get out of otherwise / he needs to be told how he made you feel. Don’t accept it.

It sounds like you touched a nerve, Alexa and it made him a bit more bombastic than you would have liked. I get it from his point of view because negative feedback jumps out at a potential buyer but it is done now so I would put it out of your mind. When my kids are a bit like this with me (and it does happen occasionally) I point out with a chuckle that it was me that taught them to eat with a spoon and I did it with a much kinder tone.
I think we get to a certain age and our children think they've earned the right to be the parent. To be fair, I feel like that about my Mum who has just rung me to tell me (in very panicky voice) that she NEEDS a piece of jewellery she left round my house last week. I took it around immediately because it is obviously bothering her but I did tell her to take it with her next time. She probably feels like you do with your son. Guilty as charged.

gave have

I just either say 'Well, I've nothing more to say...gave a nice day, goodbye' if it's a phone call or...at a relatives home, I'd get my bag and leave saying 'I don't have to listen to this, thanks for for the coffee/lunch/whatever'.
Nothing would induce me to further the conversation or change my mind about leaving.

Read this thread with interest as I was lectured by my AC aged 29 last night- a result of him having had a few too many beers I think - in which he told me in some sort of bungling corporate speak that I’m “not an abundant thinker” which I took to mean I’m narrow minded or not particularly knowledgeable. I was fuming but said nothing except for a sarcastic “thanks for the advice.” Generally he’s kind and courteous, but I’ve noticed before there’s a tendency to talk down to me when he’s had a few.

I’ve never seen any evidence that he does this with anyone else; not girlfriends or any other females, so feel bad sad and more than a bit mad that he does it to me!

My mother used to come out with words that were culturally inappropriate in 21st century. We would say that we don't say things like that these days. Not to make us feel better but to protect her.

Alex, that's exactly like how my brother is these days. Instead of the easy friendship and laughs we used to have, now I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

Should my son even attempt to lecture me it would be nipped in the bud PDQ !
That said maybe he was simply having a bad day and your simple error was a way to vent his frustrations. I would forget it, too trivial to really worry about surely.

I d let it go Alexa you have a good relationship with him and he you I guess because it’s part of his business it all seems obvious to him
I do think adult children with their knowledge of technical stuff etc do have the edge on us I often have to ask things and it does feel wrong to be asking advise off someone you still see as your child or even worse grandchild one of my granddaughters who I love dearly isn’t always the most patient if I ask for help with phone or iPad she ll tend to say oh I ll do it instead of patiently explaining to me but I forgive and think well i was probable the same at her age
Don’t worry

I think men always feel it is their place to tell female relatives what they should do, especially if the female is on her own: I have had this a few times since DH died so they don't get told anything! I am well practised at that, I had an extremely interfering mother!

I gather, Alexa, that you felt you had in some way deserved the lecture, but were hurt by the manner it was given in, and the comparison between you and your granddaughter.

In your place, I would wait until the next time you see your son, then you could mention that although you agreed with his point of view during your last disagreement or discussion, you did not care for the manner in which he gave it. Then see what he says.

If you are afraid that saying something about it, will make matters worse, you could leave it entirely until or unless it happens again, when I think you should tell your son that you find his manner of laying down the law rude and unkind.

I have several times been "lectured" by my son for not doing the right thing that I have done sometimes either because I can't be bothered or been in a hurry. In some cases he was correct in what he said, but not always!
It hurts for a bit because you feel stupid for a couple of hours, but not really worth getting too upset over.
Personally I can't see the point of him lecturing over not contacting an ebay seller - it's done and finished and quite frankly, wouldn't have bothered telling him about it - you are not the only one that will have done this !

Mossfarr you have just reminded me of my lovely DM who passed away last year ! When she was in hospital she would loudly say Do you have to be fat to work here ? In other ways she was the best mum though ! I thought it must’ve been having lived through rationing ! As to sons putting mums down it does seem to be a thing as if it’s showing their with their wives now. I have 5 and 1 stepson . I will tell one of the other sons to have a word with the offending son but not every mum can do that!