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Reasons for estrangement

(17 Posts)
Razzmatazz123 Sun 18-Aug-19 00:55:40

If I you estranged from someone, did you give reasons first? How was that taken? What reasons did you give?

If someone estranged from you, did they give you reasons first? How did you handle it? What reasons were given?

I promise this will be my last post on this subject, I am just trying to work through something in my mind. Thank you in advance to anyone who doesn't mind sharing what I know is very personal. No judgement here x

BradfordLass72 Sun 18-Aug-19 04:43:36

Yes, he gave reasons: a list of things I hadn't done.
Where do you go from there?

Julesw Sun 18-Aug-19 04:51:48

We are estranged from members of the family.
We gave our reasons and they took it badly. This resulted in us losing touch with our grandchildren. Heart breaking.
But this person was very disruptive and troubled and after 30 years of giving all the help we could, both emotionally and financially we simply didn't have the mental capacity, strength or resources to keep up the relationship.
We have found peace of mind and have finally come to accept the it was the right decision to make.

GG65 Sun 18-Aug-19 23:56:00

We are estranged from my husband’s mother. When my husband told her why, she just kept screaming at him “No I didn’t, no I didn’t”. But she did. It’s not deniable, because the police came to our home and arrested him over the false allegations that she made in a fit of rage. That is not even the worst of it, but I don’t want to go into any more detail because it’s too upsetting for me.

It was many years ago now, but my husband is still deeply traumatised by his mother’s behaviour, most of all, by her denial of it all. We often hear through the grapevine the various versions of events that she tells people, which just upset my husband more, because the lies she tells are just too much for him to stomach. It has been devastating for him. I don’t understand it, I would never do anything like that to my children.

HolyHannah Mon 19-Aug-19 00:26:41

I tried to explain to my mom how her behavior hurt me and was inappropriate. She got upset and started denying her behavior, telling me I took her the "wrong way" etc. That was just one issue and one situation.

When I gave a specific examples of what she had done that upset me, she would say, "I never did that" or "I don't remember that" (like not remembering something means it never happened /s) accused me a making things up and telling lies.

After one undeniable event I tried to explain why I was upset, I got the usual non-apology, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and complete invalidation of my feelings as always.

I did write a 'explanation letter' but didn't send it because it would be "all lies" made to make mom feel bad. It would be denied, dismissed and used as a way to hurt me further by knowing exactly what hurts me.

My main reason for estrangement boiled down to a lack of respect and not being treated as an equal. The hypocrisy of "don't do as I do, do as I say" and the double-standard of, "I can judge and criticize You, but don't you DARE judge me or take issue or get upset with what I say" is a deal breaker.

Sara65 Mon 19-Aug-19 07:19:27


I understand, my mothers comment was “your trouble is, you remember too much “
Well gosh, silly me!

GagaJo Mon 19-Aug-19 08:57:58

It's almost too painful to talk about, but I'm estranged from both of my parents.

My dad. Meh. He was an absent father after my parents divorce and after a brief period when my daughter was born, has remained that way. I'm almost completely indifferent to it. It's been so long and was not of my making.

My mother, however, is a different matter. The estrangement happened with an issue related to the birth of my much wanted and very much loved grandson. My SiL was the cause of it but it extended to my mother. It's heartbreaking. Although my grandson more than makes up for it. Awful though.

CassieJ Mon 19-Aug-19 10:22:08

I am estranged much the same as BradfordLass72. A list of so called things I am guilty of, not allowed to defend myself as this makes me selfish apparently.
Tried to meet up to discuss, but still too controlling as he wants his own way in everything. Not sure that we can ever get past this.

Razzmatazz123 Mon 19-Aug-19 23:17:14

One of the reasons I estranged and I suppose it was a drop in the ocean really, but she was hypercritical. When I started to do well in college the first time, I unfortunately had my drink spiked one night and I lost my virginity to rape. She decided I was a drug addict, it was my fault and I should not tell people what happened because they would think I was dirty and would want nothing to do with me. She told me not to bother reporting it because the police wouldn't believe me and I would just ruin my reputation. She then threw me out 3 months later because my mental state was apparent evidence I was on drugs, despite the fact I only left the house to go to college and work and was in my room crying every single night. I met my husband a few years later and she would always Lord it over me that I was a failure and a drop out. She was embarrassed that we were on a low income. She would constantly demean me and say my house was dirty and nasty. I can tell you now, it wasn't. I have always been very neat and clean. We just didn't have brand new things like she did. We. Owned a lot of second hand and older furniture. Which I love by the way. She would tell me I was a failure as a mother if we couldn't afford a holiday every year and talk about how she goes on at least 4 holidays a year. When my children were older, we saved and saved to put me through university. All the while she was telling me I was neglecting my home and children. She would tell me I would fail again. When I graduated she refused to come to the ceremony saying it was too far. We should have been so happy, but she just put me down continuously. My brother who is a lot younger than me graduated a year later and he was wined and dined and celebrated. Pictures and posts all over Facebook, they even bought him a new car. It was hard to watch. Apparently my congratulations card was lost in the post, I literally didn't even get a hug. Nothing. He graduated into a higher paid field than teaching and she would talk about how amazing he was doing and why did I want to settle for being a teacher? What a waste of all our savings etc etc etc. She would tell others how lucky I was to graduate in one breath and then immediately talk about how hard my brother worked in the next. Like I just coasted through somehow. Before I gave in and estranged, when I was explaining how much she had hurt me, I brought this up and she denied ever saying any of it. Memories so burned into my mind I can shut my eyes and see her saying them. I told her how her throwing me out when I needed her the most really broke me and she said "I didn't throw you out, you went off to sleep around and do drugs" I said, how can you say that knowing what happened to me? She said "if that really happened, you would have reported it". In that moment I just looked at her and all I could see was a monster. All the ways I tried to justify her behaviour to myself, different time, different generation, different ways of life etc, just fell away and I realised I didn't have a loving mother at all.

Sara65 Tue 20-Aug-19 07:05:07


I truly empathise with what you are saying, but don’t let her nastiness spoil what you have, it sounds like you’ve made a good life without any help from her, so don’t give her the satisfaction of letting her see you are hurt.

mumofmadboys Tue 20-Aug-19 07:45:17

I wish you well Razzmatazz. A moving account. Do you still have a relationship with your brother?

Razzmatazz123 Tue 20-Aug-19 08:49:26

No I don't sadly, his experience was vastly different to mine. He thinks it is all true. There were times when he came to me fedup when he was younger and she irritates him as an adult, but she doesn't try to push his buttons or make nasty comments to him so he can't fathom she would do that to me. I tried to get strong like him, maybe she wouldn't do it if I was strong enough, but she just knew how to destroy my defences

rosieguru1 Tue 27-Aug-19 07:33:35

That is such a sad story. I'm reading a book called "Why Does He Do That - Daily Wisdom", by Lundy Bancroft because I'm in an mildly emotionally abusive relationship, and wondering which way to go. But some of what you're saying about your Mum reminds a lot of how super-controlling people behave. Some of those things she's said and done are in this book! You might find it helpful to have a look. Not all controlling/abusive people are men!!! I think you've demonstrated bucket-loads of courage and determination - good for you! That's inspirational!

Razzmatazz123 Tue 27-Aug-19 10:48:57

That sounds really interesting, I will definitely look into it, thank you. I read a book a few years ago called "you aren't crazy, it's your mother" and I ugly cried through the whole thing

ReadyMeals Wed 28-Aug-19 11:13:51

It's weird - I never estranged myself from anyone other than blocking a handful of people I have come up against online. But my son estranged me about 3 years ago and since then has succeeded in kind of blackmailing his ex, the mother of my grandson to do the same (under threat of witholding support, getting social services involved etc - she did actually explain why she was going to have to stop talking to me). Anyway, my part in this estrangement is that I find now when I see pics of that grandchild I don't seem to feel anything for him, it's as if he could be anyone's little boy. He's cute and obviously I want him to be safe and happy, like I would with any kid, but I feel no urge to see or contact him at all any longer. I used to have strong feelings for him when they were visiting regularly. I guess any feelings can fade when they are not nourished.

Razzmatazz123 Wed 28-Aug-19 12:33:21

I've had half my family estranged from me, it because of anything I ever did to them, simply because of lies my mother has told them about me after alienating me from them during my childhood. She tried to destroy my relationship with my father too and told awful lies about him. He is and always has been a good father and a good grandfather. There was a period of years where she almost had me believing her and I saw less of him. Fortunately she lost track of the lies and things didn't end up. When I asked her why the stories had changed, she denied saying the first ones. I can't tell you how much damage that does to a child's mental health

Razzmatazz123 Wed 28-Aug-19 12:41:50

I know 2 EPs in my circle of friends and work colleagues. One knows why she was estranged, she was an alcoholic and neglected her daughter. She left her daughter in dangerous situations. She has been sober a long time and accepts the estrangement as even though she is a good person and healed now, that is not her daughters memory of her and she has accepted it completely. She knows she is at fault. The other I work with and she is an awful woman. Widely disliked. She says she has no idea why her daughter left. This woman is wonderful to me, I believe because she knows I am estranged from my mother and she feels she needs to prove something to me. The things she says about others leaves me cold. I m polite to her because, I believe in having a respectful working relationship. Sometimes it is hard to bite my tongue. I see her be nice to peoples faces then say something nasty when their backs are turned and it so reminds me of my mother it leaves me shaking and sick.