Unkind elderly parents

Distance yourself without going completely no contact. It would serve them right if you didn't make contact with them again but I don't necessarily think it would bring you happiness.

Do your sons notice it too?

They sound awful parents.

I'd suggest you don't give them any opportunity to be unkind to you. Pull back from them. Be unavailable to them except on your terms. Don't offer to do things for them, don't invite them for anything and don't go to family getogethers unless it's what you want to do.

They have a son who can fulfill all their needs.

If your parents are 79 then I’m guessing you are in your 50s or thereabouts, therefore a grown woman.

You do not need their approval. Live your own life and leave them to theirs.

Christable….This situation sounds quite unbearable!

I think I understand how you feel because I'm in a similar though not so bad situation my self.

I think you are hanging on hoping (as I do) that things will somehow buck up. That your parents will recognise all the good things about your family and suddenly become the parents you always dreamed they would be.

We both have to wake up and realise this is it. This is how they will always behave.

I think you should take M0nica's advice. Its straight forward, no arguments, just honest.

Don't think about it too much, just distance and have a good Christmas without them!

Don't ask them for Christmas. If they then broach the subject themselves, say that you just assumed they would be spending it with Tom (or whatever your brother is called). If they try to push for an invite, just say, you had assumed they would not come so had planned around a Christmas without them and it is too late to change your plans. Refuse to say what those plans are.

Think out scenarios like this ahead of the event so that you are ready with responses to the comments/requests you know they are going tomake.

I agree not a total estrangement but cut right back, important family occasions only. Certainly don't ask for Christmas nor take time off for hospital appointments etc. apparently they have a son to do that! Interesting to see what happens.

You need to walk away and keep your distance and hopeful this will help. I know its not the same but I did it with my sister who was hurtful and rude.

Definitely past time to distance yourself. They will never appreciate what you do for them

Why do you invite them to Christmas?

this christmas don't give them the chance to say it. Just don't ask them . Enough is enough.

Why do you still talk to your parents?

What positive items do they bring to your life?

Thank you ladies for your helpful advice. I will definitely try to keep a distance.
Thinking back it’s been going on for years but you just don’t see it. I’d hate my sons to feel like I do. It’s very cruel. Christmas is horrible as they always says ‘we’ll see what your brother is doing first’ if I ask them over. Then I don’t hear anymore. I’m going to try to move on, looking forward. 2nd best isn’t nice.

I would be inclined to see as little of them as possible. They are not going to change now. As for taking days off to ferry them about, not sure why you would want to do that? It seems that people value things that are hard to get, if you are at their disposal then then it seems that they do not value your time. Pull back and concentrate on your family.

It's a sad situation I recognise from my husband's experience. His mother favoured DH's sister and when her husband died she sold up and gave everything to her daughter and nothing to her son. My husband and I remained dutiful and caring until we were later asked to pay for care home fees once his sister had effectively evicted her mother. Since then we have no further contact but part of us wishes we had given up on her sooner. So I agree about distancing yourself and being unavailable when they need help.

I would start by gritting your teeth and accepting that there is nothing you can do or ever do that can make them act differently to you.

Having done that, I would start distancing yourself from them, not estrangement, but if they are not interested in you and yours, why should you be that interested in them? Go to family events when you wish, but not if you don't.

More than anything, do not become their skivvy, your husband taking days off to get them to medical appointments etc. Soon you will find, as they get more disabled they will be expecting you to be the child who shops for them, takes them to medical appointment, does the cleaning, the washing etc.

Next time they ask you for help, just say 'no' neither of us is available that day, and keep saying it. They will either have to ask your brother for help or pay for a taxi or carer.

Do as you have been done by.

This is so sad. I think you have to accept how unreasonable they are and it is unlikely they are going to change their ways. If they cannot appreciate what you do for them I would suggest not doing it and let them try to get support from your brother. It is so very had for you but you have a lovely family and if they treat your children and soon to be grandchild this way I would reduce all contact with them.

Why put your family through it?

I'm so sorry, Christable! It's so awful when parents play favorites! And so often, unfortunately, the pattern seems to extend to the GC. Fortunately, I haven't suffered such "years of hurt." But I totally feel for you. Hugs!

I know you didn't ask for advice, but I agree w/ Septima that it would be better for you to avoid events where both your parents and brother will be present. However, I know there may be occasions where you can't. At those times, IMO, you and DH (dear husband) should try to ignore your parents behavior or make a private joke out of it, maybe guess how many times they will "slip" and speak to someone else or how far they'll go to please your brother and his GF (girlfriend).

"They have no time for me, or my husband or their grandsons. I find it very hurtful. "

I'm sorry you find it so hurtful, but, IMO, you are probably better off not being around your parents too much, sad to say. Especially given their racism. IDK if DIL(daughter-in-law) is a different race than your family or if your DH is or what. But I wouldn't want racist relatives around a mixed-race child. If nothing else, I believe DS (dear son) and DIL should keep their baby away from your parents as much as possible. It's wonderful to have GGPs (great-grandparents) but not if they are prejudiced against you (general GGC). But that's up to DS and DIL, of course.

Thank you Septimia wise words.
I get on well with my brother to a point. Years back I confided with him about the way I felt and he told them. They were very off hand towards me after and turned it round that I was unreasonable!

Interestingly he is no help at all if they have a problem. When my dad needed help with hospital appointments my husband took 3 days holiday from work to take him. For the 4th appointment I said ‘can you ask Tom to take you as we can’t take anymore holiday’. The reply was aggressive ‘don’t be stupid, he’s FAR too busy’

I’m fortunate to have made my own little family. Otherwise I couldn’t imagine how awful it would be. But having said that I longed for close parents, that I never had.

I wonder if their attitude might just come back to bite them. Should they reach the stage where they are in need of help, I wonder if they will get it from your brother.

Do you get on with your brother? If so, you could maintain contact with him but avoid situations where both of you are with your parents.

The rest of the time take joy in the family that does love you.