Unkind elderly parents

I wonder if their attitude might just come back to bite them. Should they reach the stage where they are in need of help, I wonder if they will get it from your brother.

Do you get on with your brother? If so, you could maintain contact with him but avoid situations where both of you are with your parents.

The rest of the time take joy in the family that does love you.

Thank you Septimia wise words.
I get on well with my brother to a point. Years back I confided with him about the way I felt and he told them. They were very off hand towards me after and turned it round that I was unreasonable!

Interestingly he is no help at all if they have a problem. When my dad needed help with hospital appointments my husband took 3 days holiday from work to take him. For the 4th appointment I said ‘can you ask Tom to take you as we can’t take anymore holiday’. The reply was aggressive ‘don’t be stupid, he’s FAR too busy’

I’m fortunate to have made my own little family. Otherwise I couldn’t imagine how awful it would be. But having said that I longed for close parents, that I never had.

I'm so sorry, Christable! It's so awful when parents play favorites! And so often, unfortunately, the pattern seems to extend to the GC. Fortunately, I haven't suffered such "years of hurt." But I totally feel for you. Hugs!

I know you didn't ask for advice, but I agree w/ Septima that it would be better for you to avoid events where both your parents and brother will be present. However, I know there may be occasions where you can't. At those times, IMO, you and DH (dear husband) should try to ignore your parents behavior or make a private joke out of it, maybe guess how many times they will "slip" and speak to someone else or how far they'll go to please your brother and his GF (girlfriend).

"They have no time for me, or my husband or their grandsons. I find it very hurtful. "

I'm sorry you find it so hurtful, but, IMO, you are probably better off not being around your parents too much, sad to say. Especially given their racism. IDK if DIL(daughter-in-law) is a different race than your family or if your DH is or what. But I wouldn't want racist relatives around a mixed-race child. If nothing else, I believe DS (dear son) and DIL should keep their baby away from your parents as much as possible. It's wonderful to have GGPs (great-grandparents) but not if they are prejudiced against you (general GGC). But that's up to DS and DIL, of course.

This is so sad. I think you have to accept how unreasonable they are and it is unlikely they are going to change their ways. If they cannot appreciate what you do for them I would suggest not doing it and let them try to get support from your brother. It is so very had for you but you have a lovely family and if they treat your children and soon to be grandchild this way I would reduce all contact with them.

Why put your family through it?

I would start by gritting your teeth and accepting that there is nothing you can do or ever do that can make them act differently to you.

Having done that, I would start distancing yourself from them, not estrangement, but if they are not interested in you and yours, why should you be that interested in them? Go to family events when you wish, but not if you don't.

More than anything, do not become their skivvy, your husband taking days off to get them to medical appointments etc. Soon you will find, as they get more disabled they will be expecting you to be the child who shops for them, takes them to medical appointment, does the cleaning, the washing etc.

Next time they ask you for help, just say 'no' neither of us is available that day, and keep saying it. They will either have to ask your brother for help or pay for a taxi or carer.

Do as you have been done by.

It's a sad situation I recognise from my husband's experience. His mother favoured DH's sister and when her husband died she sold up and gave everything to her daughter and nothing to her son. My husband and I remained dutiful and caring until we were later asked to pay for care home fees once his sister had effectively evicted her mother. Since then we have no further contact but part of us wishes we had given up on her sooner. So I agree about distancing yourself and being unavailable when they need help.

I would be inclined to see as little of them as possible. They are not going to change now. As for taking days off to ferry them about, not sure why you would want to do that? It seems that people value things that are hard to get, if you are at their disposal then then it seems that they do not value your time. Pull back and concentrate on your family.

Thank you ladies for your helpful advice. I will definitely try to keep a distance.
Thinking back it’s been going on for years but you just don’t see it. I’d hate my sons to feel like I do. It’s very cruel. Christmas is horrible as they always says ‘we’ll see what your brother is doing first’ if I ask them over. Then I don’t hear anymore. I’m going to try to move on, looking forward. 2nd best isn’t nice.

Why do you still talk to your parents?

What positive items do they bring to your life?

this christmas don't give them the chance to say it. Just don't ask them . Enough is enough.

Definitely past time to distance yourself. They will never appreciate what you do for them

Why do you invite them to Christmas?

You need to walk away and keep your distance and hopeful this will help. I know its not the same but I did it with my sister who was hurtful and rude.

I agree not a total estrangement but cut right back, important family occasions only. Certainly don't ask for Christmas nor take time off for hospital appointments etc. apparently they have a son to do that! Interesting to see what happens.

Don't ask them for Christmas. If they then broach the subject themselves, say that you just assumed they would be spending it with Tom (or whatever your brother is called). If they try to push for an invite, just say, you had assumed they would not come so had planned around a Christmas without them and it is too late to change your plans. Refuse to say what those plans are.

Think out scenarios like this ahead of the event so that you are ready with responses to the comments/requests you know they are going tomake.

Christable….This situation sounds quite unbearable!

I think I understand how you feel because I'm in a similar though not so bad situation my self.

I think you are hanging on hoping (as I do) that things will somehow buck up. That your parents will recognise all the good things about your family and suddenly become the parents you always dreamed they would be.

We both have to wake up and realise this is it. This is how they will always behave.

I think you should take M0nica's advice. Its straight forward, no arguments, just honest.

Don't think about it too much, just distance and have a good Christmas without them!

If your parents are 79 then I’m guessing you are in your 50s or thereabouts, therefore a grown woman.

You do not need their approval. Live your own life and leave them to theirs.

They sound awful parents.

I'd suggest you don't give them any opportunity to be unkind to you. Pull back from them. Be unavailable to them except on your terms. Don't offer to do things for them, don't invite them for anything and don't go to family getogethers unless it's what you want to do.

They have a son who can fulfill all their needs.

Distance yourself without going completely no contact. It would serve them right if you didn't make contact with them again but I don't necessarily think it would bring you happiness.

Do your sons notice it too?

If they make hurtful comments I think you should say' I think that is rather rude/ insulting/ hurtful' Don't let them get away with it.

I've just posted on another thread about my own regrets about misplaced sympathy and my need to try and please my awkward, often unpleasant mother. (a losing battle)

Your problem has been going on all your life Christable and it is never, ever going to get any better.

Accept that now, protect yourself and your loving little family.
Let the old people do what they wish - but make your own arrangements, especially about Christmas and BBQs, in a way that makes for a happy time and not one of conflict.

Grasp the nettle dear Christable - and put your happiness and your family first - enough is enough

I think Nams is absolutely right. They will never change for the better but only get worse - more unkind and demanding. They will never be the parents, grandparents and great grand parents you wish for and it’s hard and sad to accept this. However, you are still relatively young and should think about the rest of your life. Your parents behaviour has the capacity to overshadow the rest of your life long after they have died - I guess for example the will will reflect their feelings as well and only add to the problems. I’ve heard of family favouritism of course but this sounds so extreme. I’m finding it hard to explain what I really mean but it’s something on the lines that you need to start protecting yourself from the emotional harm they are doing to you and you family.As others say, stop doing anything for them - that taking time off for hospital appointments - what was going on there? Why do you feel the need to help? Why keep asking about Christmas ? Why allow yourself to be frankly abused? You are worth more than that - your sense of self worth should not depend on saying to yourself that you are doing the right thing by your parents. You can never do the right thing by people who forever do the wrong thing by you. I hesitantly think if you can afford it might be seeing a counsellor help you break the ties of this toxic relationship?

Crossed posts with Bradford

Brilliant advice yes enough is enough. I feel happier just reading this, thank you. I am 57 so therefore I should be able to handle it. Usually I let it go but I felt like they ridiculed my son and dil with snide remarks. I saw red. Think there’s no turning back now.
Yes Tangerine my 2 sons see it. They think my parents are obsessed with my brother also. If they visit them (which is rare now) their grandparents spend all the time telling them how wonderful my brother is. How amazing is gf is. So therefore they so it as a waste of their time. It’s a terrible shame as my boys are very descent men and understanding.
Makes me adamant never to be like them. Just be interested in your family, it’s not much to ask??!!

Just saw your other posts, Chris. I agree it's time to stop doing for your parents since they clearly don't appreciate it. If you somehow feel as if you still need to b/c of their age, etc., please do only what's easy and comfortable for you to do. And definitely don't invite them for Christmas. Let them wonder why (maybe) you didn't. IMO, you don't need the negativity they bring at your Christmas, anyway.

" Usually I let it go but I felt like they ridiculed my son and dil with snide remarks. I saw red."

So would I. But this is worse than "ridicule," as bad as that is. From what you told us, it's racism. No need for you or your DS and DIL to tolerate that. I hope you feel free to speak up if it happens again.

I agree w/ distancing rather than a complete cut off. However, if they continue to express racist ideas, I would keep them out of the new baby's life as much as possible. That's more up to DS and DIL, of course, than it is to you.