Family member very difficult

Wise words from agnurse and Al-anon. Your sons are adults now Yorkshiregirl and responsible for their own lives.
I hope you find some peace and the strength to move on with your own life.

Really more important that op lets the police know and in her state of health she is the priority . The sons at 40 are not her responsibility. Adults have choices.

Yorkshiregirl my heart goes out to you.

Your mind and body require peace, quiet and time to recover.

Is there a chance that you could move location and go low or no contact?

A few years ago a friend who was living through a few serious problems spent some time at a Buddhist retreat.

It was recommended by someone who had gone through a life changing event and sadly
had issues regarding a son.

The retreat is open to all
and used by people of all religions or no religion.

It is possible to stay or just visit to experience calm and peace.

There are people there who were willing to listen without judgement.

Not for everyone, but for that person it offered a lifeline that was both practical and helpful. The result was she able to move her life forward all be it on a different path.

Wishing you peace and good luck

No not suggesting they definitely have, part of my training for my job is to be up to date with the thinking here when it comes to safeguarding. It could be a possibility though, that they have experienced some sort of trauma. It's normal to some extent for young adults to experiment, but when it becomes a life time of drug abuse, there is usually something they are trying to blank out. It just might be worth considering.

Some really lovely supportive replies to my post. I was cringing after I posted it perhaps expecting to be berated as a bad mother.
There are some very wise and kind members, and your kind comments, virtual flowers and hugs are truly appreciated.
Just to respond to a couple of your replies yes I am a single parent, which makes it all the more frightening dealing with this alone.
Razzmatazzq123 are you suggesting both my sons have been abused ?
Thank you all so very much x

Yorkshiregirl, my deepest sympathies to you. Please do focus on taking care of yourself and finding enjoyment for yourself. You deserves this.

There are some wonderful suggestions on here, including getting support through al-anon for your healing and closure and contacting the police for your safety and peace of mind.

Gentler internet hugs if you want them.

You may like to consider attending Al-Anon. This is an organization founded on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous, but it is specifically intended for family members and loved ones of people with alcohol problems. I have been told that in Al-Anon they teach you the "three Cs":

You didn't Cause it
You can't Change it
You can't Control it

You may be able to find additional support there.

If your son is truly frightening you, I agree that it would be wise to speak to the police and see what they would suggest. They would be able to advise you if there are legal steps that can be taken to ensure your safety.

I think your sons ob iously need help, new research is being done that suggests that the majority of drug addicts have experienced some ki d of abuse, whether emotional, physical or sexual. You shouldn't have to destroy yourself to give help though. They are grown adults probably won't accept help until they want it. Maybe build up boundaries and only offer emotional support. No enabling their behaviour with money etc.

Could you meet your older son in a cafe and have a light lunch or cuppa with him? He is more likely to behave in public and you can always get up and walk away. Could you in this way limit his visits to your house which should be a peaceful place for you to be? Sending love and sympathy.

I echo what Bluebelle said. I hope you do find peace of mind - it is a rare commodity these days but you deserve it. hugs

Dear Yorksiregirl it could be any of us writing this, any son or daughter could turn to drink or drugs in a heartbeat and add that on to an already fragile mental state and you have a truly mixed up abusive person
I can’t offer you any words of wisdom because I know it’s impossible to shut off the love we have for our child no matter what, it’s so easy to wake up with that resolve but so very hard to carry out
I do hope sincerely you can find the peace you so badly need and I hope your sons can find a better way forward I cannot come up with any solution or wise words just a sisterly hug xx

What a desperate situation to be in, you have my sympathy, but in your situation, next time your son appears and threatens you, call the police, either at the time ir afterwards.

In the meanwhile keep a diary of any threats he sends you by way of email or phone, Threats of harming you or killing you should be reported to the police even if they are online or over the phone. This is threatening behaviour and is a crime.

I really feel for you yorshiregirl I know how you feel. My son was a wayward teenager but thankfully now 40 and turned in to a model, father and husband and lives in the USA. There were times I ashamedly thought if the police knock to say he has died it will not surprise me and would have been a blessed relief at that point. I felt like a failed parent. I was at the end of my tether with his ways. My son was 26 when he turned his life around. He one day out of the blue apologised for his behaviour and told us what wonderful parents we had been to stand by him at his worst.

It is horrid to think that your son at 40 is still caught up in this destructive behaviour. You are wise to block his texts. Are you a single parent as you don’t mention a partner. I know how frightening it must be but now at 40 surely he must realise what he is putting you through. You don’t need this at your time of life. Can he get some sort of help with his addiction like his younger brother. Maybe get an injunction out against him to stay away from you and tell him you won’t have any more to do with him until he sorts his life out. It’s hard watching the children you brought into the world and for whom you had so much hope for in growing up to be great humans turn out to be destructive addictive adults. I was once told “it’s not you who has committed a crime, taken the drugs etc, it’s not your decision or choice, it is your son and he knows right from wrong” and that made it a little easier to get my head around it.

I am sending you a great big hug and keep your chin up. I hope you can find a way through it all. Sorry I can’t offer a proper solution. Know there are people out there who have been or are going through similar experiences as you. Not an easy question with a black and white answer.

I do really feel sorry for you, what is happening is so stressful. As a survivor of a frightening abusive husband ( not the same as a son I know) experience tells me that no contact finally becomes the only option. I would get some advice from the police and hope you get some peace. You deserve it!

Yorkshiregirl, how awful for you.....both sons have been such a disappointment to you .
But violence should not be tolerated, son or not. You must call the police.
And you, with your health issues. Goodness me, how do you cope?
All I can wish for you is that things improve and you enjoy these virtual ? ? ?

Yorkshiregirl My heart goes out to you,you should be having a peaceful time without the worry of full grown men behaving as they are.
I can understand you saying you love them but their actions mean you don't have to like them does it.
If either turn up again I would not hesitate in envolving the Police for your own peace of mind they need to be served with orders to stop their visits on a permanent basis.
If you expect one or both of them to turn up at your home do you have family who can support you/can you change your contact number or supportive friend who would be available if you need them.Take care

What a dreadful position to be in, I can't begin to imagine what you are going through.

I really do think you need to make the police aware of your situation, and if they do it, be given a contact number to ring the minute you feel threatened.

It is a mother's instinct to love her children no matter what they get up to, but there is a limit to what you should have to endure, and your sons have breached this many times by the sound of it. If you can afford it, change the groundfloor windows to glass that cannot easily be broken. Have extra strong locks put on your doors. You must be able to feel safe in your own home.

Keep a diary, so that the police can see what you are facing. You might even have to think about moving if you are constantly living in fear.

It really is. Thank you so much

Sending you love; its an awful situation to find yourself in, I'm sure.

Yes MissAdventure he will continue (both my sons will) to live their destructive lives no matter what I do or say.
Your comments are very much appreciated

Thank you MissAdventure. That is an option, and I did have to call the police a few months ago. He was warned. I may have to take matters further if I have any more trouble

Oh, by the way, I don't think you're being at all unreasonable.
Your son will carry on living as he chooses, with or without you as some sort of emotional punch bag.

It's incredibly selfish of him, regardless of his issues.

You could speak to the police about your options.
Some kind of non molestation order, although I appreciate he may well breach it.