Move on enjoy ur life my friends life was made miserable by her cheating husband she left him and moved by the sea and started a new life.
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SubscribeI was widowed after 34 years 2.5 years ago.
About 10 months after my bereavement I met a divorcee. We became established quite quickly and the relationship was highly charged physically.
He's a journalist and an amateur cartoonist, but of very modest means, while I'm quite comfortable.
A month or so into our relationship, he broke up with me citing incompatibility. Since then we've got back together and broken up a couple more times.
This last time we confessed our 'love' for each other, but he was upset that his ex wife was moving with his son to France. He lives in a sheltered housing studio flat and can't have his son to stay, which has exacerbated the loss.
I tried to help him by offering him one of my investment flats to rent and he started buying furniture in which to furnish it.
Last week, whilst I was abroad at my nephew's wedding, I saw he had posted on IG a painting of a young woman he had met in the local park with the comment "bellisimo"- he often draws female barristas, as well as scenes of places he visits.
Well I became really upset this time and phoned him to tell him how I felt. He didn't take it well and said later he wasn't taking the flat as 'it is quite possible I would eventually meet somebody there"
He just dumped me by text by accusing me of getting upset of him drawing a girl in a park or cafe.......
It is so childish I know, but today would have been my 37th wedding anniversary and his dumping me like this (I'm 67 he's 69) is so cowardly & heartless after we confessed our love for eachother. He should have understood my sensitivities over ogling a young beautiful woman whilst away.
He always called me darling & sweetheart, which my late DH never did. They are only words, but it was lovely to hear those words of endearment.
You will probably think I've lost my marbles, but I feel so vulnerable, humiliated and hurt over this
Move on enjoy ur life my friends life was made miserable by her cheating husband she left him and moved by the sea and started a new life.
There is nothing worse than leering old men looking at younger women he is a charmer wonβt ever be happy with one woman. My friends husband that died was a lovely man how sad that his money was taken by this crook
MawB has it correct. I'm sorry this has happened. Get him out of your life and move on. You deserve so much better.
A friend of mine widowed a year met a so called charming man. She had her own house and private pension. Her friends all warned her as he had been married twice and was broke. She bought a house with him she put all the money in he had the mortgage. He was seeing other women after they married
She lost everything and ended up alone in rented flat !! Men go looking for widowed women own house and bit of money. Lucky escape you have had
I never gave him money. We bought eachother presents for our birthdays, but he never asked me for a penny.
I suppose that's the only thing I respected him for. I know he felt inadequate financially and lifestyle wise when he was with me. Understandably
What a lucky escape you have had trueblue22.
Best to find out sooner rather than later what he`s like.
I wish you the best for the future.
Think of it as having had a lucky escape.
It sounds of if you were doing most of the work in the relationship anyway, emotionally as well as propping him up financially.
I agree with you that widowhood and divorce can be a very lonely place and it is lovely to have someone to come home to and to have a cuddle at night with and to be made to feel special.
It's one of the things I really miss still.
I have lots of friends and a good social life and well meaning people tell me that it should be enough, but I personally, find it no substitute for having someone special who loves you and you him. But that's me.
So I get why you wanted a relationship. But you deserve better than this man
and there WILL be someone better out there.
I've just come across this old thread of mine. I've changed my profile name to linfreed, but I'm the same person.
An update: Well, stupidly, we got back together and broke up a few more times.
During that time and through lockdown I began painting....my local art school had a daily on painting challenge through that period I had absolutely no artistic ambitions or talent before that...didn't even do an art O Level.
He encouraged and helped me with my art and eventually I was offered a place at a local art school to study F/T for a diploma in Advanced Fine Art, which I achieved last June. He helped me with my essays and gave me invaluable feedback, for which I am grateful, despite his flakiness in romance.
I'm doing another year to consolidate my practice and have started exhibiting. So although this man was unsuitable romantically, he helped me achieve to where I am now...I made lemonade out of lemons
He had kept in touch every day through lockdown and encouraged my latent talent. I still have deep feelings for him, but am in no contact because my son, who weirdly coincidentally, lives next door to him told me he has seen him many times with his ex gf before me. His 17 year old son also now lives with him and son said he had heard many fights, swearing and door slamming!
I do miss his advice, but I told him I won't be around if he has other romantic interests. I also have acquired more self respect and am becoming closer to my family and friends. Life is a lesson!
You could just keep him as a FWB / F* buddy, but I suspect your emotions will get in the way. His special skills in the bedroom department would indicate to me that he is likely to be unfaithful. He really is not good news for you, and will only cause you more pain.
Jaxie without going into detail, this man had one excellent attribute, which probably made up for all his shortcomings. Let's just say his interest in tantra gave him leverage in keeping me interested...even at my age! It was a relationship of champagne & chocolate, but totally lacking the bread & butter I've been used to.
I enjoy the company of certain men for their intellectual depth and the fact of their difference. I much prefer a game of bridge with a male partner, they think in a certain way, which I connect to.
Having been brought up mainly by women, and having attended girls'schools, even though I have very close female friends, I prefer mixed company. Nothing worse than going out with a gaggle of female widows & singles.
I'm not excusing this man; he is weak and frankly to be pitied. But, oh I loved his company and how he raised me out of my deep grief and made me feel alive!
OP, you do seem to have shifted your ground and be making excuses for his behaviour now. Having been charmed by someone who lacked any moral decency myself and extremely damaged as a result please listen to what his behaviour, not his silver tongue is telling you. I'm fairly laid back but if my OH posted a picture of a woman on social media with the comment you mentioned I'd find it unacceptable, and would say so. I've no doubt this man will make excuses. I'm in my 60's too and at our age we have not got the time to waste on relationships that will never work.
Why do you need a man at your age? I've never met one who didn't let me down, apart from one of my sons. Your women friends are the ones who will always love and support you. OK, men are good for DIY and paying for things ( when it suits their book) but I for one don't want to be washing a man's insanitary garments and putting up with old men's foibles. Sounds cynical? Yes, but I'm a keen observer of male/ female partnerships and it looks to me as if women pay the higher price every time.
DON'T THINK MUCH OF YOUR THERAPIST
Reading 'most' of the comments I feel this man simply doesn't want the kind of relationship you do.
I think you are just missing the man you wanted him to be! Not the actual man he is?
But your last post is still making some sort of excuses for his behaviour and that is dangerous.
Accept the fun times you had with him but put him in the bin now. Nothing to be had by dissecting and pondering. Nothing you have done or haven't done. It just wasn't working - or you wouldn't have split up multiple times anyway.
Look after number one - don't try too hard to forge another relationship and ...it will come...naturally without so much effort and hurt.
diane227 there is a lot of truth and insight in your post.
However, I think he has avoidant attachment which made my anxious attachment more marked.
He often took returned calls, or spent an inordinate amount of time in the toilet with his phone and so I never felt secure with him. If he had been more consistant, I don't think I would have wanted to be so controlling and insecure about him talking to young women. I understood perfectly, and was attracted to, his quirkiness. I'm also a free spirit and a bit of a rock chick , despite my traditional background. We both actually come from the same background and same religion...more in common than not.
Time will tell, but his circumstances are so precarious, and mentally he is so depressed about his son leaving, that he is no frame of mind to deal with any deep romantic relationships imo.
keep this man as a friend not a lover or future husband. He is an artist. a cartoonist who caricatures life. He loves to draw what he sees. A great friend but will not meet your needs for a close sensitive relationship with you as the focus.
Good luck next time.
I think you were fortunate in this man.
If he had half the unpleasant traits you and others have ascribed to him he would have taken advantage of you and your financial situation, instead of which he rejected the offer of your flat and ended your relationship civilly, if bluntly.
Your therapist sounds extremely sensible.
True blue, my grandfather met and married a woman a year after the death of my grandmother. Clearly he was still grieving. His new wife was... not great. Not a bad person but...
After 5 years or so, I think he'd come out of his fog of grief a bit and realised he'd made a big mistake. He talked to me about it once. But he was an honourable man and stuck to their marriage unto death (his).
Lovely, intelligent, kind man. Wish I'd been able to find a man as good. Never have, never will.
Trueblue . Having read all of your posts a couple of times I feel that you were looking for something in this man that just isnt there. I think a lot of us have done this before whether n a relationship or a friendship.
He sounds as if he was upfront with you about his circumstances , financial , ex wife , businesses etc and you were aware of his hobbies ie drawing young women, journalism.
You were attracted and repelled by him at the same time which perhaps gave off different signals and made him also wary.
Perhaps he really likes you but cant change and why should he. He also recognises that the relationship is unlikely to work and maybe he doesnt want a confrontation. Text messaging instead of face to face conversation is becoming the way of the world but doesnt often convey real meaning.
Your therapist is right that you need to consider your own part in this and learn for next time.
I think it was unkind to contact his ex girlfriends and to post the names of his businesses. It makes it seems like sour grapes. What has he actually taken from you ? You said he paid back money he borrowed. You clearly have different wants and needs.
I would see this as a lesson and move on and allow him to do the same.
I think you have had a lucky escape, put it all down to experience. You were very vulnerable emotionally but can move on and forget about him. It is his loss, not yours. I would t waste your time contacting him at all. There are some lovely people out there for you to meet, have fun. Good luck.
trueblue22 I know you already see this but you are well rid of this awful, predatory man.
One of these days he'll get too old to be a gigolo and the women he seeks to charm will just laugh at him or be scornful.
Meanwhile, if you have got your life back on track and made other friends, you won't need people like him.
I wish you well
trueblue22 - As a bereavement counsellor I can safely say that bereaved women are vulnerable for a much longer period than they imagine. Ten months after a bereavement is not a long time, yet you met someone who you thought you loved, only to have him tell you just a month later that you were not compatible with each other. Clearly you were easy pickings for this man, but really he seems to be not the ideal you were looking for. He things you're overly possessive which you seem to recognise a little bit of - it's clear you want some kind of close relationship, and seem to be encouraging him with your offer of accommodation. None of this sits comfortably irrespective of whether you are recently bereaved or not but the fact that a 34 year relationship has come to an end and you are jumping into a precarious situation tells me that you are extremely vulnerable and need some therapy to help in your healing process. Please ask your GP for help - this will help you negotiate your new identity.
I'm so sorry you've had this upset but I hope eventually you'll feel you've had a lucky escape. A man who is barely supporting himself, who ogles young women and then posts complimentary comments about them on line is not deserving of your respect, support and affection.
Juel In theory you may be right that nobody can make you feel bad except yourself - but theories don't always work in practice. Can you honestly say, hand on heart, that nobody has ever upset or disappointed you and made you feel miserable, at least for a while?
I think that you have dodged a bullet as well. A man with a roving eye, it would only get worse.
Find that song by Nancy Sinatra, "These boots are made for walking and that's just what they'll do, these boots are made for walking and they will walk all over you." Great Song.
Get your hair done and good riddance to bad rubbish.
I get where your therapist is coming from, but to know if her advice is right, you need to think about whether or not this behaviour is normal for you. Yes sometimes we are jealous and possessive for no reason. Sometimes though we are jealous and possesive because we don't have a secure attachment to the person and they are actually doing or saying things that are untrustworthy.
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