Gransnet forums


Dumped by text message

(98 Posts)
trueblue22 Thu 29-Aug-19 21:14:34

I was widowed after 34 years 2.5 years ago.

About 10 months after my bereavement I met a divorcee. We became established quite quickly and the relationship was highly charged physically.

He's a journalist and an amateur cartoonist, but of very modest means, while I'm quite comfortable.

A month or so into our relationship, he broke up with me citing incompatibility. Since then we've got back together and broken up a couple more times.

This last time we confessed our 'love' for each other, but he was upset that his ex wife was moving with his son to France. He lives in a sheltered housing studio flat and can't have his son to stay, which has exacerbated the loss.

I tried to help him by offering him one of my investment flats to rent and he started buying furniture in which to furnish it.

Last week, whilst I was abroad at my nephew's wedding, I saw he had posted on IG a painting of a young woman he had met in the local park with the comment "bellisimo"- he often draws female barristas, as well as scenes of places he visits.

Well I became really upset this time and phoned him to tell him how I felt. He didn't take it well and said later he wasn't taking the flat as 'it is quite possible I would eventually meet somebody there"

He just dumped me by text by accusing me of getting upset of him drawing a girl in a park or cafe.......

It is so childish I know, but today would have been my 37th wedding anniversary and his dumping me like this (I'm 67 he's 69) is so cowardly & heartless after we confessed our love for eachother. He should have understood my sensitivities over ogling a young beautiful woman whilst away.

He always called me darling & sweetheart, which my late DH never did. They are only words, but it was lovely to hear those words of endearment.

You will probably think I've lost my marbles, but I feel so vulnerable, humiliated and hurt over this

fizzers Thu 29-Aug-19 21:26:14

oh believe me I feel your pain, I too was unceremoniously dumped by text message, Now I've had some bad things happen in my life, but this was one of the most hurtful and humiliating things to have happened.

It cuts your self esteem and self worth down to a zero instantly, Not even worth a phone call, that's how little I was thought of.

Better you know now than later down the road, at least you know what a cowardly, hurtful man you had gotten involved with. Concentrate on yourself, on what makes you happy, forget him, he's not worth wasting your time and energy over

MawB Thu 29-Aug-19 21:28:26

Every sympathy trueblue but I suspect you know what I am going to say.
(I do remember your earlier posts about this relationship and it did not sound hopeful then.)
For what it is worth, I still think it was too soon to put all your emotional eggs in this basket and your judgement was affected by your recent bereavement.
No one can blame you for looking for love but this man is not the one if you. I hope he has not benefited too much financially from you. Walk away, head high, not humiliated but with your self respect intact.
The fact that he used words like “darling, sweetheart” never meant much - you would hear the same from any market stall trader. At 69 if he is “ogling” young beautiful women he clearly has a roving eye- he will not make you happy.
I think you are still vulnerable and as I said, need to walk away.
An ageing Lothario is not what you need - as they say on Mumsnet- LTB!

MawB Thu 29-Aug-19 21:29:09

“The one for you”

paddyann Thu 29-Aug-19 21:34:47

Wise words from Maw walk away an dont look back .Take your time before getting too involved again and be sure he's right next time .Good luck and keep smiling ,being positive is the way forward

Tangerine Thu 29-Aug-19 21:44:41

I am sorry for you as you must be feeling down and sad. I think it is particularly horrible for you that the text came on what would have been your 37th wedding anniversary.

Going on what you've said, I think it's perhaps a lucky escape. He's a grown man and should have had the courage to speak to you. He's not a teenager.

Good luck.

Hithere Thu 29-Aug-19 21:54:20

It is difficult right now, being dumped like this.

In the medium and long run, you are so much better off. What a behind he is!

trueblue22 Thu 29-Aug-19 22:22:33

Maw you are do wise and know you understand bereavement and widowhood from personal experience.

I'm usually such a sensible person- I'm a local authority councillor- but this man opened me up, made me dance and laugh again, and I felt like a teenager with him. Yet, it has been a hot/cold bitter/sweet relationship that deep down I knew was unsustainable.

I wish I hadn't responded so vulnerably to his text dump, but I was so hurt this time. He said the conversation was "embarrassing". Indeed, as Hithere says, what a bottom!

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow to offload. My son can't understand why I went back to him and allowed myself to be humiliated by this so called man, as I was unceremoniously dumped by text by him last time! I have definately lost my marbles!

52bright Thu 29-Aug-19 22:25:22

Very sensitively put good advice from Ma. You have suffered a terrible loss after a long marriage and you are bound to be a bit vulnerable. Walk away from this ancient lotherio who has received so much support from you and yet is capable of dropping you in this cruel manner. flowers

Urmstongran Thu 29-Aug-19 22:35:17

Good advice from Maw

Look upon this as a near miss. You dodged a bullet by the sound of it. He’s actually done you a favour!

MawB Thu 29-Aug-19 22:48:25

This man opened me up, made me dance and laugh again, and I felt like a teenager with him. Yet, it has been a hot/cold bitter/sweet relationship that deep down I knew was unsustainable

Look on it as therapy, a treat, a giggle, something which met a need - like chocolate and wine- and move on.
TBH who truly wants the angst of our teenage years again?
OK the flutter in your tummy when you saw him coming perhaps - but the pain, the tears, the extreme highs and lows?
Best left to the kids!
Chalk this one up to experience, tell yourself it had its benefits, for a while , but do not let his very good impersonation of a slimeball blight another nanosecond of your life.
(Next time go for a younger one, with a nice bum gringrin )

Dawn22 Thu 29-Aug-19 22:56:02

"Never chase after a man or a bus because there is always another one coming along."

These are brilliant words true blue 22 if you just let them sink in.

trueblue22 Thu 29-Aug-19 23:15:21

You're all making me feel much better.

Maw you're so right. At my age, I shouldn't have to put up with teenage angst of love and broken relationships. It was flattering to be desired again, but I must work on my need for validation from a man. Maybe this stems from my father dying when I was quite young. My mother was widowed at 54 and never had another man for 30 years until she died. I don't want the same.

Widowhood is quite a journey!

MissAdventure Thu 29-Aug-19 23:21:46

It's a heady mixture, isn't it, being made to feel loved and wanted?

At least you know your 'romanceometer* is still in working order, so try to consider this practice for when a decent man (the kind you deserve) comes along.

Bordersgirl57 Fri 30-Aug-19 07:23:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jeanie99 Fri 30-Aug-19 09:06:32


Lots of good advice and support from everyone.

This guy doesn't warrant a second thought.


Put your head high, shoulders back and walk forward leaving this all behind you.
Best Wishes for the future.

Luckygirl Fri 30-Aug-19 09:29:13

That must be painful for you.

Maybe try and think of it as a bit of icing on life's cake; a bit of fun that lifted you out of the day-to-day. Like a holiday that starts and finishes and is fun to look back on.

I am guessing that most of us have had these sort of intense relationships that were not meant to last, but that fulfilled a need at the time.

Don't spend too long licking your wounds - plan some good things to do over the next few months. You are still working our how to deal with being a widow and the new pattern of life and path that you have to forge.

I think that ending relationships by text is not unusual these days, so please do not take that aspect of it all to heart.

Onwards and upwards; and good luck. flowers

Yorkshiregirl Fri 30-Aug-19 09:35:11

Oh bless you. This is the reason I have been single for so long. Unfortunately there are some very unscrupulous people who can rock your self esteem and your whole life.
Please cut him off for good. You deserve much better.
We all want love, but that must begin within ones self. Sending you a hug x

tickingbird Fri 30-Aug-19 09:38:57

I know you must be feeling pretty worthless but it doesn’t sound like this weak man would have ever made you happy. In my experience it’s better to get out sooner rather than later with relationships like this. In the long run you would have been very unhappy. His roving eye would have made you feel worthless and you would end up being needy. Men with roving eyes never change and they could be with the most beautiful woman in the world and they’d still be ogling other women.

Move on, keep busy and be thankful you’ve had a lucky escape. You deserve so much more.

trueblue22 Fri 30-Aug-19 09:40:40

Thanks luckgirl. I know logically that this relationship would always be doomed. Thank goodness I didn't introduce him to my children.

I had a family party about a month ago, just after we got back together for the third time. He was upset he wasn't invited and said I was ashamed of him. I said it was too soon, and yes, I knew they wouldn't approve anyway. Deep down I knew he wasn't the right sort of man that would fit in.

Off to my therapist to offload and get some insight!

Whingingmom Fri 30-Aug-19 09:42:21

So sorry you are feeling like this especially after a recent bereavement.
However, as other posters have said, sounds like you are well rid. And also sounds like he did not deserve you x

BusterTank Fri 30-Aug-19 09:42:40

Thank your blessings and move on . He is obviously not right for you . Stop clinging to hope .

jaylucy Fri 30-Aug-19 09:52:22

His timing was absolute rubbish but I doubt if he was thinking of that at all.
It won't feel like it now, but I think you are well rid of this selfish, shallow man.
As another poster said, endearments are all very well and I can fully understand why you appreciated them so much but I have known several men throughout the years that have used them only so they didn't call me by the wrong name!
You tried to support him when his child was going to move out of the country and because you objected to his roving eye, he dumps you- and not even having the nerve to do it to your face!
You are seriously better off with him. Give yourself time to grieve and in the meantime pick up or find new interests , catch up with friends and in time he will be a memory, a hiccup in your time. Be kind to yourself - we all make mistakes!

Jue1 Fri 30-Aug-19 10:04:13

Lovely advice from everyone.
I would just say, no one can make any of us feel bad, we do it to ourselves. Put it down to experience, a thing of beauty to reflect on, to giggle about but to avoid repeating and move on. Good luck.

Tigertooth Fri 30-Aug-19 10:05:35

Text him and say - “Yes, it was embarrassing, it must have been grief - you’re right, we’re not compatible, I don’t know what I was thinking really. Obviously I need a partner who is grounded and solvent with his own home.
I waist you well - enjoy your coffee.”
And then block him and delete him from all areas of your life.