Confront sister about greed or let it rest

You'll end up with no sister and still no things. I think this is a lose/lose situation if you choose to confront.

It's not just stuff though is it? It's the unfairness too. The op seemed to indicate finance - so money?, and the stuff has real value that the nephew now wishes to realise. I would say something for your own peace of mind.

As someone who has tended to hang on to things with often very vague family or emotional connections, often in lieu of any real emotional connection, I have finally realized that, in the long run, it is only "stuff."

If a relationship is important to you go for the relationship not the "stuff".

OMG this rings true in so many families including mine and husbands. What is worse is that my sibling didn’t follow the terms of the gifts in the will and I was furious and now we don’t speak so another relationship goes. Money is the root of all evil, I’d rather have love of good family and friends. I don’t want to have family squabbling so I will distribute my valuables to children and grandchildren when I think the time is right, god willing I don’t go suddenly and without time to sort stuff.

I’d let it go. Sing the song from Frozen!
??

Some people are more materialistic than others. Such is life.
x

One day your greedy sibling will realize what she has done. May be not know but it will happen. Its called karma x

These things happen in so many families and cause huge and lasting feelings of anger, resentment and so on. My husband’s grandmother in old age gave things out to her family and gave his mother a gold watch to give to him and a gold locket to give to our daughter. But his mother kept them for herself. It was hurtful that that gave her more pleasure. What hurts is often the emotions attached to this rather than the things in themselves. I loved three plates his grandmother had and she offered them to me but I couldn’t bring myself to take them from her dresser and when she gave up her house my husband’s aunt took them. His grandmother made her give me one. But this aunt then looked after her mother very faithfully for many years. The plate gives me pleasure because I loved my husband’s Nan and I remember the love she gave us all when I look at it. A different watch Nan gave us when she found out about the purloined one, sits in a drawer. These people are long dead and the objects no longer seem to have the importance they had. I am of an age to soon be passing on my own objects. The best thing you can leave people is the memory that you loved them. I think this is what hurts people, these objects become symbols for love or the lack of love.

good advice Gonegirl. Have a go at saying that very casually and also say something like, "I would love to have some of mums things." Good luck, cheers.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I had an uncle who took absolutely everything when my grandad and nana went into a home. He never offered anything to my mum or to my brother and I - though there wasn't really anything we wanted. We commented at the time how 'grabbing' he and his wife had been.

When my mum died he asked for things of hers which he thought should have come to him. One item had been given to me by my mother and has sentimental value to me (as well as possibly monetary value). Thankfully my mum knew I'd always loved it and gave it to me when she moved into sheltered accomodation, so it was already in my home 200 miles away when he brought the subject up! The other item I would have happily given him but we didn't know where it had ended up. My uncle told a very different story about the item I have, compared to the history my mum had always told me, to justify why he should have it. I think he thinks it may be worth something! I will always keep it though as it was special to me and to my mum. If it is worth anything my own kids can sell it when I'm gone as I know it means nothing to them.

Unfortunately some people only see £ signs when it comes to inheritance and it is sad that family rifts result. I don't know if my uncle resents me having the item I have but I know I didn't take it for the wrong reasons so if he does, it is his problem.

It depends on your outlook really. Some people place great value on possessions and have sentimental attachment, some don't. I tend to the view that people and memories are the most important thing and in 100 years, or less, it won't matter anyway. Do you think a showdown with your sister will help you to feel better, happier and justified?

It's just stuff as MissA says.
Somehow my mother missed out on any of the stuff that should have come to her but I realise that now, at my age, I would be wondering what to do with it.

If there is one piece that has sentimental memories for you, perhaps you could ask your sister about it. She could, of course, decide that that is the particular piece that she wants .

However, how might your sister's perception vary from yours? Did she live closer perhaps? Was she more involved with your mother's care than you were? Does she feel more entitled to the lions share?
I'm only suggesting that you look at it from her point of view.

Couldn't you say something along the lines of, "You know that little pearl necklace Mum gave you, you won't get rid of that without offering it to one of us first will you? Would be a shame to let anything go out of the family"

You need to say something, but keep it nice if you can.

On a positive note I am delighted to learn that SO many other people also have a sibling who is avaricious, greedy and mean minded (not to say thieving) !

Sorry Mebster, it feels awful doesn't it? I bought myself one piece of jewellery to create a new heirloom for my family. Like a restart to help me just forget who appropriated things in the past.

I would have said something at the time your sister was taking from your mum, since your mum had dementia, mebster.

Taking advantage of a vulnerable person is disgusting behaviour; its a shame it carried on if you knew.

I think I would be honest and say that I find it difficult to have a close relationship which you when you took so many of mother's possessions and I feel resentful about it. Don't get into a lengthy argument about it. If she defends it don't argue about the things just say 'then we can't be close' and accept that you might end up with no relationship at all.
If you do want to keep in contact then you have to just lump it.

Family cleared my mothers house. I was offered nothing. Motherin law gave away so many keys when she started with dementia that by the time she was in ahome nothing that was left in will to grandsons was there. All taken by "friends". You cant take it with you. It is nice to pass on a family possession but i would draw a line under it and get on with my life.

Just let it go and you will feel better for it. It’s unlikely that you will get anything back from your sister and stress is all that you will get. Trust me I know from experience that it’s not worth it. I was in a similar position with my mother (who lived with me in her latter years) & my brother. Over the years he had all sorts of stuff from her, treated her appallingly, hardly visited her etc etc (usual stuff with a favourite child). When she passed away I inherited what little was left but by that time I had just written it off as you can’t change the past. We’ve had no contact for over 2 years and I have cleared everything out - auctioned most. Family heirlooms are somewhat a thing of the past (excuse the pun) and are just ‘stuff’. I feel liberated and no longer worry about who got what and why. Good luck

You say your sister is now wanting to be close, but you clearly hold a lot of resentment, which has presumably grown over the years. It is unlikely that you will ever be close in these circumstances, as it will always be a matter of contention on your part. Do you want a better relationship with your sister, or is it merely the redistribution of valuable items you want?

If you do want to be closer, you could explain to your sister that you find her wish for a closer relationship difficult because of her “acquisitive” behaviour in the past, especially as she effectively helped herself after your mother became affected by dementia. You could point out the inequality in the distribution of valuables has upset you.

However, I don’t see how you can force your sister to return anything, however underhand her methods in acquiring your mother’s valuables. Saying anything is likely to cause an almighty row, and you will have neither relationship nor valuables. You have to be prepared to either let it go completely, or have your say and walk away, in all likelihood empty handed.

When my mother died I got nothing except a DVD and book set about the war which I had given her as a present. My sister's and brother took it all. Brother sold everything he could to fund a drug addiction. I just let it go as no point in causing a rift and they didn't care anyway.

You could ask to have them, but be prepared for a family split. Maybe you're better off without both family and heirlooms. If that was my situation, I definitely would raise it nicely with my sister and if she never speaks to me again, I'd still live, knowing the outcome of what otherwise would be gnawing away at my wellbeing.

I would tell her to her face then keep her at arms length!

This happened to me both on my side and my husbands side, one sibling of each being more greedy. It used to eat away at me but to be honest it is what it is and none of us can take it with us when we die and if you have lived without it this far forget it and move on and make the most of what you and your children have. There will always be inequalities in familiies.