Confront sister about greed or let it rest

the only person this is hurting is you so let the bitterness go ,its only things after all and it should be left in the past where it belongs

Confronting your sister is unlikely to have a happy outcome for anyone, so I think you need to just leave it in the past.

I think you are on a hiding to nothing here. It is hard to see family heirlooms go without being able to save them. I had a friend who had to watch as every family heirloom from an illustrious great grandfather was sold completely outside the family. It nearly broke his heart, but there was nothing he could do except add to the family problems that already existed.

I do not think your problem is any different, nothing you can do can get the items back for you and to be seen scrabbling for them is undignified and could make you seem pathetic and, if there is family animosity, those causing it can be delighted that the loss has upset you so.

It's just 'stuff'.
Unless it had particular sentimental value, which doesn't seem to be the issue, I would let it go.

Presumably your mum chose to give what she did to who she did, which is just as it should be.

My mother and her sister had exactly the same problem.

My auntie, knowing Mum's reaction said she would split the big dinner and tea services and canteens of cutlery but Mum told her that was terrible and to take it all. So she did but Mum resented it all her life.

The only thing Mum got of any sentimental (or actual?) value was my grandfather's ebony drumsticks.
He had been in the King's Own Scottish Borderers but died in 1947.

In 1991, when Mum was terminally ill, Auntie (7 years younger and very wealthy) came to visit, saw the drumsticks on Mum's dressing table and said, 'Oh, I'll take these, my son will love them and you only have girls.'
(I had sons btw)

And Mum, after years of raging about her sister's greed, meekly let her take them!

So if you are going to resent your sister's greed Mebster please don't let it eat away at you as it did with my mother.

We are talking items of major value, as in lots of gold jewelry. I'm not interested in sentimental items but her son is hovering, waiting to sell off all her stuff. It's quite difficult for me to maintain a loving relationship with a sister who made every possible attempt to cheat me out of my share. I know a lot of these items were taken after our mom had dementia. Sis wants to be close now but I find resentment getting in the way. She's acknowledged her greedy behavior but never offered anything back.

"Stuff" can go out of the family in the blinking of an eye . My Dad had a beautiful collection of musical boxes which he'd bought and restored to their former glory. After he died, Mum used to "pay" people for giving her a lift , or for helping with her shopping, but handing over one of these priceless boxes. Sis and I were shocked to find Dad's precious boxes had all gone - we just had to swallow it and move on.

In your situation I'd try to let it go. You say that you've tried to overlook this - I assume that you mean you knew what she was doing at the time but said nothing. There isn't any point in raising it now - you'd only demean yourself .

"by handing over", not "but handing over"

Mebster Are you hoping your sister or her son will offer these things back as gifts or for sale? Does a leopard change its spots?

Acknowledge that they have, effectively gone. They are no longer your property why continue to fret about it?

If you are not bothered about the sentimental value then its clearly the monetary gain of the gold that irks you.

My mother told me many of the antiques and jewellry my auntie took were worth a fortune (no doubt why she was so wealthy) but if she was not prepared to fight for them at the time, as she clearly wasn't, why continue to fuss?

You'll do yourself no good picking at the wound. Move on.

Two choices Mebster you either confront your sister and tell her how you feel about this or you forget about it. As its clearly an issue for you it may be better to have it out with her. In doing so you risk causing a rift which may not heal.

I think that you should ask your sister for a fair share for the sake of equity. Do it when you are both calm and see how she reacts. Its not her by right and if she refuses then that's that. Yo can't have a good relationship while this lies between you.

It's far too late for that. Those things belonged to your mother. If she chose, for whatever reason, to give them to your sister it was her choice.
I live with that.

This happened to me both on my side and my husbands side, one sibling of each being more greedy. It used to eat away at me but to be honest it is what it is and none of us can take it with us when we die and if you have lived without it this far forget it and move on and make the most of what you and your children have. There will always be inequalities in familiies.

I would tell her to her face then keep her at arms length!

You could ask to have them, but be prepared for a family split. Maybe you're better off without both family and heirlooms. If that was my situation, I definitely would raise it nicely with my sister and if she never speaks to me again, I'd still live, knowing the outcome of what otherwise would be gnawing away at my wellbeing.

When my mother died I got nothing except a DVD and book set about the war which I had given her as a present. My sister's and brother took it all. Brother sold everything he could to fund a drug addiction. I just let it go as no point in causing a rift and they didn't care anyway.

You say your sister is now wanting to be close, but you clearly hold a lot of resentment, which has presumably grown over the years. It is unlikely that you will ever be close in these circumstances, as it will always be a matter of contention on your part. Do you want a better relationship with your sister, or is it merely the redistribution of valuable items you want?

If you do want to be closer, you could explain to your sister that you find her wish for a closer relationship difficult because of her “acquisitive” behaviour in the past, especially as she effectively helped herself after your mother became affected by dementia. You could point out the inequality in the distribution of valuables has upset you.

However, I don’t see how you can force your sister to return anything, however underhand her methods in acquiring your mother’s valuables. Saying anything is likely to cause an almighty row, and you will have neither relationship nor valuables. You have to be prepared to either let it go completely, or have your say and walk away, in all likelihood empty handed.

Just let it go and you will feel better for it. It’s unlikely that you will get anything back from your sister and stress is all that you will get. Trust me I know from experience that it’s not worth it. I was in a similar position with my mother (who lived with me in her latter years) & my brother. Over the years he had all sorts of stuff from her, treated her appallingly, hardly visited her etc etc (usual stuff with a favourite child). When she passed away I inherited what little was left but by that time I had just written it off as you can’t change the past. We’ve had no contact for over 2 years and I have cleared everything out - auctioned most. Family heirlooms are somewhat a thing of the past (excuse the pun) and are just ‘stuff’. I feel liberated and no longer worry about who got what and why. Good luck

Family cleared my mothers house. I was offered nothing. Motherin law gave away so many keys when she started with dementia that by the time she was in ahome nothing that was left in will to grandsons was there. All taken by "friends". You cant take it with you. It is nice to pass on a family possession but i would draw a line under it and get on with my life.

I think I would be honest and say that I find it difficult to have a close relationship which you when you took so many of mother's possessions and I feel resentful about it. Don't get into a lengthy argument about it. If she defends it don't argue about the things just say 'then we can't be close' and accept that you might end up with no relationship at all.
If you do want to keep in contact then you have to just lump it.

I would have said something at the time your sister was taking from your mum, since your mum had dementia, mebster.

Taking advantage of a vulnerable person is disgusting behaviour; its a shame it carried on if you knew.

Sorry Mebster, it feels awful doesn't it? I bought myself one piece of jewellery to create a new heirloom for my family. Like a restart to help me just forget who appropriated things in the past.

On a positive note I am delighted to learn that SO many other people also have a sibling who is avaricious, greedy and mean minded (not to say thieving) !

Couldn't you say something along the lines of, "You know that little pearl necklace Mum gave you, you won't get rid of that without offering it to one of us first will you? Would be a shame to let anything go out of the family"

You need to say something, but keep it nice if you can.