Confront sister about greed or let it rest

Lazigirl

You raise a valid point. I also realize that I often come across as being more pragmatic than supportive.

From my perspective, I see someone going through a lot of angst and pain over matters that she never could control anyway. Whatever her perceptions and however complex or simple these issues are, 'stirring' the proverbial pot by means of a confrontation, will likely make things worse, not better.

Based on calculated risk these are the two choices...

To reclaim 'fair' share of the inheritance, asking nicely is not going to cut it (based on her post), so she will likely have to fight for it and even retain a solicitor Outcome? Alienate her sister even more (and possibly other family members) in the process....and if her legal claims go sideways, she'll have a lot of expenses and still not get what she wants!

On the other hand, if she's looking to warm up her relationship with her sister, she needs to forgive and forget. Outcome? Family ties remain/improve and a chance that she'll get some or all of what she wants.

Honestly...if your relationship is that poor....and you clearly don't trust her...and she seems determined to outgrab you... let her go. The fact some people are family doesn't really count for much in the great scheme of things. Your sister is clearly someone you don't like....so walk away. Have friends...nice people that you choose, you like, you trust and you want to be around. Ive done this with a brother whose values frankly stink. We have been estranged for three years. Someone asked me the other day wouldn't I feel guilty if he died...I though about it, and realised not at all.

I was beqeathed my late aunt's jewellery. So to save any future problems I bought 3 small jewellery boxes - divided the items into them. Then I gave my and my 2 sisters grand daughters a box each. Everyone happy!

I think that sounds lovely, GrannySomerset, as they'd both feel themselves sharing memories when they looked at those things.

When my lovely MiL and her sister divided up their parents’ modest possessions they even split pairs of ornaments and sets of crockery and glasses, meaning that in fact no one got anything intact. They were quite happy with this but it does seem a bit extreme!

Do you really want to be close to your sister again? How was your relationship with her when neither one of you had received any gifts of the jewellery from your mother. I think you need to do some soul searching and be really honest about your feelings for her before you make a decision about having a closer friendship with her again...if you ever did. I can see you feel upset about the injustice of this, particularly about the bracelet you bought your mother which your sister now has, and maybe you could ask her if she will give it to you for the sentimental reason it holds. You say your sister admits she had lots more and was greedy, well she obviously still is or she would have had a conscience and given it to you already.
There are so many family reasons why one sibling gets more than another which doesn't seem fair, but after all it is up to the person who owns the possessions who they give to ( when alive) or bequeath them to in a will.

Earlier poster said “money is the root of all evil”-it’s actually the LOVE of money that’s the root of all evil. DH had awful experience as eldest of six and everything was left to youngest daughter-this confirmed to other siblings the favouritism they’d seen during their lives; family now divided. My own dear sister and I stood shoulder to shoulder sorting through parents’ belongings-no problems. I expressed my concern to a close, wise friend beforehand saying I so wanted the clearance to go well. She said is there one thing you would like above all else? Immediately I said Dad’s war medals; she said then give everything else away. When we came to medals my dear sister immediately said “these belong to you” I checked she was sure so we then carried on easily. Our dear parents would have been proud. My DH’s parents, I think sadly, would have enjoyed the upset they caused

Perhaps you should write your sister a letter telling her how hurt you were and how you can't feel warm towards her because of it.
Don't ask for any of the valuables but if she apologises and wants to make amends then you could mention the bracelet.

I pity my sister, in some ways, as she is trapped by her possessions and greed. However, I do feel I must deal with this issue before I can warm to her. I don't want much but would especially treasure a bracelet which was a gift from me to my mother as a young adult. I spent my whole savings on it at that time. I was tempted to take it when I visited her during an illness but decided that would take any joy out of owning it.

None of these things. We both lived far enough that flying was necessary. I did most of the care. I repeatedly reminded her that we had agreed to divide things equitably. None of it ever made any difference.
Now I have friends and a close family and she wants to be part of all this. It's hard for me to include her now when she so clearly valued things more than a relationship with me for most of our adult lives.

I know most people advise you to leave well alone but I really disagree, of course it’s your call.
Leaving things as they are will only make you unhappy because your sister is unaware of your feelings.
Have the conversation. Plan it, no blame, no criticism just a factual overview of the situation, how it makes you feel and how ‘together’ you could resolve it.
Even if it does not have the outcome you would like, you will feel better being open about how you feel.
Focusing on what has happened rather than ‘point the finger’ of blame. Hope this helps?

Be the bigger person - let it go! If you start going down that pathway of challenging your sister on this subject the anxiety and fall out of trying to establish parity will simply ruin the minimal relationship you currently have with your sister.

Demonstrate your generous nature - just let it go!

It's concerns like this makes me glad I have nothing to leave .

It's at times like this when I'm glad I don't have any relatives.

Similar problem with my sister, wouldn’t p* on her if she was on fire ?

Agree with Gonegirl - keep it amicable. - I was accused of having taken my grandmother's wedding ring etc after my Auntie died - they were given to me when I was 8(60 years ago) These relations were just greedy and my auntie had led them to believe she had 'money' Ask if you can have something - then just breathe and get on with it. Luckily the local paper printed that I was married with my grandmother's wedding ring! Plus though I did lots of work after she died intestate I did not receive a penny but they received thousands! Hey ho.

Have nieces

I already gave nieces taking pieces they want from my mother, and she's still alive.

I have no need of anything from my mother, money or posessions, I am happy and have enough of my own so not bothered.

Step back, it's not worth screwing yourself up over.

I agree Lazigirl also we don't know the sister's side. There could be more to this.

I am with you on this willa45, but these family "issues"are never as simple as they seem, and often have their roots way back in childhood. The OP obviously wants some support and validation of her feelings, but it's hard to rationalise because we tend to make decisions based on heart rather than head.

Sorry that was I would advise

When there are things of great sentimental value it’s always better to name these items in a will .Its no use thinking someone else will do it . Your mum should have made out a will long before dementia took hold. I would ad Isle anyone to do the sane if there are things you love .Its knowing best who will care for these things and keep them in the family fir future generations .

Mossfarr have you mentioned the watch to your mum?
It would be a shame if she would be happy for you to have it, but just didn't think to do anything about it.

You can 'confront' your sister but you likely won't come out feeling any better. Why? Because (from what you've told us) it won't change the outcome and could instead result in a row that will make things even worse.

You need to decide if these golden things will be worth more to you than the fallout of losing your family. Best advice I've heard here today, is for you to let go of your resentment, learn to forgive and move on.

I was angry for quite some time about a very large sum of money that was stolen from my Grandmother, just before she died, by one of my Aunts who lived with her.

When the Aunt died last year there was no mention of the money she took and as there was no way I could prove it, I said nothing as I didn't want to create a family rift.

I've let it go now (it was never mine anyway) but my Mum and the other sisters should have had their share of it.

I am not usually sentimental about 'possessions' at all but I will be upset if my Mother doesn't eventually pass my sisters watch to me. My sister died at 36 and as the watch is the only decent thing she had, I don't want it to be just sold.

I have quite a bit of valuable jewellery which I will either 'pass on' to my family or sell and enjoy sharing/ spending the proceeds.