I've let down my inlaws and my marriage

Bird40 I echo what everyone else has said. It isn't you who has let down your marriage and your IL's, it's your husband. You've done nothing wrong at all. You've now done the most difficult bit by getting him to leave. That must have taken some strength and bravery, which is most admirable.

These links might help you understand the situation your husband has put you in. www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/coercive-control-how-can-you-tell-whether-your-partner-is-emotio/

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Contact Women's Aid. Two friends have come out of terrible marriages and WA were immensely helpful to them both. (As an aside, one of the abusive husbands was found guilty of assaulting his then wife but his parents, who seemed lovely, still think the sun shines out of his you-know-what! I'd be utterly ashamed if that was my son.)

Don't worry about people thinking you're 'mental'. It doesn't matter what they think and the people who you're close to will know it's not true. It sounds as though your husband has a reputation anyway and people may well suspect the truth of the matter.

You deserve a happy life and at 40yo, you've plenty of life ahead of you. Good luck!

Please, do not feel guilty either about the breakdown of your marriage or about what your in-laws think about it.

Reading your post, I wondered why you had stuck it out so long.

Whether there is a medical condition causing this behaviour or not, does not really matter, the man you describe is impossible to live with. Stick to your guns and don't be persuaded to let him back into your home and your life.

I don't know whether there is anything you can do to improve matters with your in-laws. They are not going to readily admit there is anything wrong with their son.

If they come right out and accuse you of causing the rift, say something like, "I am sorry, the rights and wrongs of the situation obviously look different from my point of view and from your son's. All I am prepared to say is that I am no longer prepared to live with him and put up with the treatment I have received from him for years. I realise this hurts you, I am sorry for that, but this is the way things are."

No woman should put up with the life you have been living with your husband.

Divorce him, and work out whether you could afford to move right away, so you no longer risk seeing people who believe his side of the story.

you were right kick him to the curb he is nothing but a bully glory to you it is hard I know I been there I dident have the guts to do it now mine has passed away I to am freeI to had all the talk behind me back go and live you life and enjoy God bless you

So much good advice given...listen to it. You are young...your children will eventually understand. Your new life has started. It will be positive. Sending peace and hugs.

My brief reply is not indicative of the situation. My Mum and Dad divorced at 60. He was a bully and very difficult to live with. My mums only regret was that she left it so late to enjoy life. Sadly she died at 68. Don’t live your life to please others. Well done you, now enjoy yourself, you deserve it.

You can never take more than 50% responsibility for a marriage breakdown, that’s the reality my counsellor had to work hard to get me to understand. You’re just the one who called time. We all see marriage breakdown as a failure, but actually when we commit we have no idea of what’s to come and if you don’t feel the love then it’s time to let go if you have tried. Write a letter to your in-laws to say how much you appreciate them, how sad you are that the marriage has broken down and that you hope you will remain friends. Don’t defend your position. Be fair to your husband, try to be kind even if he isn’t and remember you lived each other once so you should try to end things with grace as you will have the children forever; university, weddings, etc. The sooner you can operate civilly with one another as a higher family there’s the fallout, you can have a successful divorce if you avoid blame, guilt, defensive behaviour and get in trying to create a positive world where you all operate for the benefit of the kids. Treat everyone how you would like to be treated yourself, it’s amazing how positive behaviour rubs off

You are only 40 OP. You ha e so much life ahead of you and you don’t deserve to spend the rest of it with this awful man. Stop feeling guilty. He is the one who has done this, not you!

You've done nothing wrong and let no-one down, basically you have taken back control of your life from a toxic and abusive man. You are worth so much more than the way he's treated you. It won't be easy as he sounds like he's manipulating everyone but they will see his true colours eventually. Get some sound legal advice quickly so you know where you stand. I wish you the very best.

Abuse it certainly is!

Enjoy your new found freedom ... maybe go and see the in laws with a printed copy of this thread if you would like to keep in contact and just leave it with them and with a bit of luck they will come back to you xx

His parents may be upset over your marriage breakdown but I'm sure they probably know exactly what their son is like.

I have recently gone through a similar situation as my Sons marriage ended. We were incredibly close to our DIL but we had always acknowledged that my son had 'anger issues'.
We just weren't aware how bad it had become and how much the whole family were suffering.

Our Grandsons have been through a turbulent time in their short lives (they are now 3 and 7) but they are settled now and for that I am thankful, even though it means they will now have to adjust to having "two Daddies".

Keep your chin up Bird40, you have done the right thing for yourself and your children.
Hopefully, in time, you will be able to rebuild your relationship with you in-laws. Its important to keep in touch with them for the children's sake but if they are not supportive then you can keep them at arms length.

You have done nothing wrong.

It seems to be very common for men to call their wives "mental" over the smallest disagreement. Ignore it, you are not "mental".

Try not to worry about what others think. Those who have lived in families with abusive people know just how charming the abusers seem to the outside world.

Oh Bird40 what a sad story but some great advice been given. Abuse is not just physical it can be mental too. You sound like you are so much happier out of the relationship so don’t feel bad about others. You have to take care of you and your well being and the well-being of your children.

You didn’t fail you won. It is so hard to step outside of an abusive relationship. You are strong and courageous and don’t let anyone tell you any different. Walking away is a very brave thing to overcome, I wish you well for a bright loving future ahead. Hold your head high, don’t give your in-laws a second thought surely they will see their son for what he is.
His parents are his responsibility not yours once the relationships is over.

Being happy is your fundamental right. You are on the right track. Keep on being happy. Never apologise to anyone for breaking up an abusive relationship.

I wish you lots of happy days and hope and courage.

Lucky escape!! Although lovely too!!

It does sound like you have had a lovely escape from both him and your in laws!

Bird, not wishing to be harsh but get some proper, professional help ASAP. Find a counsellor, find the money, make a start.

You have done the right thing, you say yourself you are more relaxed. I think when you can you need to tie things down legally, so see a Solicitor and also perhaps a chat to your GP. I agree don't say anything negative about your ex to the children, just mummy and daddy can't live together but still love them very much. As somebody else has said he is still around to be responsible for his parents. Good luck

With physical abuse the bruises are clearly visible, with mental abuse they are not. Of course he will bad mouth you to all and sundry, he has to because he is incapable of accepting any blame whatsoever. He will tell his “stories” over and over because he actually has to try to convince himself as well as others that it’s all true. Listen to your inner self, the relief you feel now that he is gone, and hold on to that. I know exactly how you feel, I’ve been there, and my only feelings are why did I allow it to go on so long. I so wish you future peace and happiness ?

oh Bird40, good luck, prayers being said for you.... you have definitely lived in an abusive relationship, imo.
but there.. all good advice here,, hope you can keep this freedom up, and go on, move on.... praying and hoping you find a good , new , peaceful life for yourself..

You are stronger than you realise or believe for making this decision. As others have said, you have been an appeaser, made to feel you are to blame. I recognise aspects of you in myself, though my situation is nowhere near like yours. My mother made me feel worthless and I took that into my relationships. Stray strong, focus on yourself and your children. You have done the hardest part.

Well done to you for finally waking up and getting rid of this abusive pig! You don't deserve this kind of treatment. Please stop beating yourself up. He has worn you down bit by bit. The sex was rape. I know from experience as I was married to a pig like that until I got away. Stop worrying about the in laws. Remember we only life once and why waste anymore of yours. Your kids will be OK, but it might take time. Enjoy the rest of your life. Sending you love and hugs and strength. Xxx

Bird40 it doesn't sound to me as though you've let anyone down. You have been the one holding it all together whilst your DH has been a complete sh*t. I agree with others here that you've made the right decision. Some excellent advice on here as well as much deserved sympathy.

I hope you can take heart from this and continue to move your life forward without this awful man.

I'm surprised you didn't run for the hills ages ago - taking the children with you. What a manipulative beast he sounds. Only 40! Still youthful. Make the most of these years when you still have energy.

Your marriage has broken up but you can tell your children that you and your husband still love them and will always. You could write a short note to your in laws saying the marriage is over but you still want to be a friend to them. Stop feeling so guilty and start looking after yourself.

By and won =hard won.

I think you have been very brave and done very well to ask him to leave. You deserve to be treated well and not have a big overgrown child bully to support. It's understandable that you don't want to run him down to his in laws or your children but don't let them erode your own by ard won freedom. A support group or professional support would be great for you as others have said.