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I've let down my inlaws and my marriage

(99 Posts)
Bird40 Tue 03-Sep-19 07:07:48

I would appreciate some assistance on how to act/ what to say in this situation.
Very sadly ( and I really mean this) I asked my husband to leave several months ago. I can't add too much detail but we have been through a lot as most marriages have; illness, bankruptcy, career changes, etc A huge bug bear was my husbands refusal to pick up over time in a fairly well paid job and his prioritising 'gym time' and swimming at the beach over earning money to scrap by or helping in the house. I woukd have loved family trips out but found for several years that I was picking uo wet towels etc and the only parent taking the lead on money/ anything serious and although I'd ask for help or try to make things fun and say'morninf chores on a Saturday then rest of day we can have fun' it woukdnt happen. Even the kids started calling me 'no fun mummy' it was very upsetting actually. I work 6 short days a week and my husband worked 3 long days so would have significant time in the house without the kids but woukd resent doing anything other than gym/ beach
I have become ill and having picked up (several) extra part time jobs have frazzled myself. I have fibromyalgia ... But that's an after thought- it's made no difference- I've had to work. I do acknowledge that it makes me more tired and less patient than I was.
We had my step son( husbands adult son of 28) live with us for a year and that put extra strain on our marriage. After 12 months of him living like a hamster in a darkened unwashed room! I suggested he find a rental with a friend.... I've now be accused of kicking him out.
Many things happened for me to ask my husband to leave. I think he suffers with aspergers and he can be quite unkind, push into things and tbh SOmetiems scares me. He is a big man, towers over me and can be very surly. We had an incident with some bins being thrown when a friend was visiting me( he didn't know my friend was here and she was very upset although I down played it) the same
Week I had fallen asleep by my daughter and he came
Home from work, left all the lights
Off and sneaked upstaira, slammed on the bedroom lights and without apology just said 'I didn't know where you were' He didn't apologise for jumping me awake, or them the light off or laugh it off or say 'oh there you are' he just stalked off and left it as though i had done something dreadful. He got suspended twice at work- once
For putting something innapropriate on Facebook and secondly for unprofessional conduct / basically gossiping. This was when we were financially strapped and meant no extra for weekend work and he was passed up
For
Promotion the following year. His behaviour can be a little odd.
My sisters
And friends have often said I suffer 'domestic sbuse' I don't agree but I think my husband gets stressed and doesn't think about his words and actions but he often would call me 'mental' or refuse to acknowledge that he was speeding in his car for example ( I always though I suffered car sickness as was so anxious in a car) I've recently discovered I don't have car sickness- it was my husbands driving. What a revelation.
I dot want to make anyone uncomfy but Intimacy was a huge issue. I felt sick sleeping with him; he wouldn't listen and wld sometimes be too rough- afterwards id cry in the loo and try to hide sad I'm only 40- I didn't want 30-50 more years
Of this.
My two young children idolise their daddy and come back fromSeeing him sayig 'why don't you love daddy anymore' and daddy says he doesn't know why you are angry with him.
The truth is, the two moths without him here has been the most relaxed I've ever felt. I've just had some fairly major surgery so feel a little wobbly but nothing compared with how I feel when he is here. Maybe my friends are right- maybe he did make me jumpy and anxious sad

My lovley inlaws dote on him and although I am very fond of them I believe that he has told them lots
Of lies. I feel incredibly guilty as they moved hundreds of miles to live very near us so that we could look after them
Through retirement and illness. I've now split the family up and from the outside it looks like I'm heartless
And kicked him out for no reason

My husband works in a female dominated environment and these Women have often been quite Off with me. Goodness knows what is said in this very small Area that we live
In.
I know this smacks of self pity and I need to shake that off. I
Made this decision and feel
Mentally better for it and my children won't grow up thinking it's ok for mummy to be spoken to like that etc... But I have an over riding sense of failure. He tells people I'm 'mental' and I find it very embarrassing. I love my onlaws dearly but have failed because I gave up on the marriage. Has anyone got any thoughts on how to handle my (ex) inlaws who I'm very fond of and how to handle this whole
Situation. Many thanks

Bird40 Tue 03-Sep-19 07:10:37

Terribly sorry for my typos. I don't seem able to edit x

TwiceAsNice Tue 03-Sep-19 07:58:51

I feel very sorry for you. Your husband is abusive from what you describe and you are definitely NOT mental. Abusive men are very adept at presenting a charming face to others and making their wife feel it’s really her fault, this is part of the abusive cycle. Have a look at the Freedom Programme on the Women’s Aid website.

Unfortunately he is now trying to turn your children against you by being the “ lovely fin parent” but I think he won’t be able to cover his true behaviour long term so hopefully that will get better.

That you feel so much more relaxed since living apart tells you a great deal and well done for leaving . I stayed much too long in an abusive marriage and left when my children were grown up so they saw their father as he really was.

So get some legal advice and don’t weaken. I wish you lots of luck for a happy life. Especially don’t feel guilty you have nothing to feel guilty for.

Loislovesstewie Tue 03-Sep-19 08:07:45

You haven't failed. You have tried very hard for a very long time. The advice given by TwiceAsNice is exactly the advice I would give. At the moment life will seem very hard and scary, but in the long run I think you will find that you will be happier. If you are happy then your children will benefit from that. Legal advice re the way forward, support via the Freedom Programme and look locally to see if there are any support groups for people who are in a similar situation.
You know you deserve better and I think you can have better.

Good luck!

M0nica Tue 03-Sep-19 08:17:36

Like it or not, this man is abusive and a bully and, as a previous poster has said, like many bullies he can run a charm offensive and play, the 'more sadness than anger' card when it is to his advantage.

Your family and friends all told you he was abusive but you have been making all the usual excuses that abused women make
I think my husband gets stressed and doesn't think about his words and actions but he often would call me 'mental' or refuse to acknowledge that he was speeding in his car for example ( I always though I suffered car sickness as was so anxious in a car) I've recently discovered I don't have car sickness- it was my husbands driving. What a revelation.

Sorry, when someone get stressed and then blames his wife, describing her as 'mental' and deliberately speeds in his car because it frightens her and makes her car-sick, that is abuse.

Intimacy was a huge issue I felt sick sleeping with him; he wouldn't listen and wld sometimes be too rough. That is abuse. A sexual relationship should be loving with neither partner being forced to act in a way that is uncomfortable to them in anyway. Not listening and too rough gets very uncomfortably close to marital rape.

Sorry if I am too blunt and use words you would not use.

There is only one way forward, turn to your friends and family and admit, that despite everything you said, you were in an abusive relationship. Get a solicitor and talk to them. Tell them about the sexual as well as physical abuse, no matter how embarrassed you feel. Also tell your solicitor about how your husband is manipulating your children to turn them against you.

I wuld just say to your children that their Daddy does know why you left him and that he is just pretending when he says he doesn't. On no account say anything negative to them about him. He will worm that out of them and use it against you.

bingo12 Tue 03-Sep-19 08:27:34

You have been batter, bruised and completely worn down by this relationship. Build up your self confidence. Move on with your life. Decide if you want a divorce and if so - be firm about it. He seems to be some kind of a ''...path'' but I do not know which one!

Davida1968 Tue 03-Sep-19 08:56:47

Bird40, I am very sorry to hear of the abuse you have suffered. Please know that there are sympathetic listeners here at GN. I agree with all the good advice given here and I wish you happiness going forward in your future. You have taken a hard step (splitting with abusive husband) and you are strong. Look after yourself and focus on your new life.

wildswan16 Tue 03-Sep-19 09:11:59

Please try to accept your new life, enjoy your peace and look forward to the future. None of us can live in intolerable situations for ever - it is our duty to care for ourselves as much as others.

It may be a couple of difficult years while everything gets "sorted out", but it will be so worth it. flowers

Grammaretto Tue 03-Sep-19 09:18:34

Send your in-laws a summary of what you've written here!
Seriously though, if they truly can only see the good side they are kidding themselves.
It's harder to explain to the DC. I guess just the usual platitudes such as mummy and daddy are happier when they aren't living together.

You are far more relaxed now so get the legal side seen to and enjoy the next 50 years.

Daisymae Tue 03-Sep-19 09:26:03

As has been said your marriage does sound abusive. You have done the most difficult bit and now need to plan the rest of your life. It also seems to me that your in-laws have moved closer so that you can look after them as it unlikely that a man who didn't look after his own children will want to deal with the nitty gritty of the elderly. Talk things over with your family and take strength and courage from them. You have not let anyone down. You only have one life, so live it as best you can.

Callistemon Tue 03-Sep-19 09:29:38

The way you have written the title of your OP and then apologised to us profusely for your typos indicates that you may have learned over the years to be an appeaser, a pacifier, Bird40 and submerged your own needs.

That's not a criticism btw because a lot of women tend to do that but it has enabled your husband to bully you.

I was talking about this kind of situation yesterday with the adult children of a couple who were in this kind of relationship and they said they were painfully aware of how things were and that it could have been better if the parents had divorced earlier rather than staying together until they, the children, grew up. Their parents did eventually find other partners and all were very happy.

I agree with the advice of other posters and wish you all the best for the future.

Susan56 Tue 03-Sep-19 10:06:19

I think you have received some really good advice from other posters.It sounds like you have a lot of supportive friends and family around you so I would say tell them the truth of what has been going on and let them support you.As a previous poster has said,just tell the children that daddy does know why we aren’t living together.As for his parents,maybe you need to tell them the truth,they may not like it initially but probably know more than you think,he is their son and it will be hard for them to hear he is a bully but your priority is you and your children.I also think you should contact a domestic abuse organisation for help going forward and also visit your go so it is on your medical records that you are a victim of domestic abuse.If he is going around telling people you are mental you need as much support as you can get from friends,family and professionals.I wish you all the best for your future,you are already feeling better so stay strong and know there are a lot of people who will support and help you💪🏼💐

Susan56 Tue 03-Sep-19 10:06:46

GP not go

BusterTank Tue 03-Sep-19 10:07:19

You know in your heart you have done the right thing . Many woman out there would love to do , what you have done but don't have the guts . Move on with your life and he happy , you deserve it .

GrannyAnnie2010 Tue 03-Sep-19 10:09:41

Dear, dear Bird40: it's not you who's the problem - it's him!

Finally, free of him, you've been happy. His family is not your responsibility, whereas your well-being is. Of course your children can't understand it - you've been shielding them from reality all along.

Be strong, stay strong, and look forward to the future with your own welfare to nourish. Let him stand on his own two feet for a change.

Fernbergien Tue 03-Sep-19 10:10:24

It was abuse. You are young enough to make a new life. I left it too late. Don’t feel guilty. We make excuses for these men. Enough. Look forward to a better life.

maddyone Tue 03-Sep-19 10:10:38

Oh dear Bird40, what a horrible situation you’ve been in, I’m so sorry. There is good advice on here, particularly the advice to get some legal help. You have been bullied, and you don’t deserve it. Nobody does. You are already stronger because your husband has left. You did the right thing. Good luck.

Hazelgran1 Tue 03-Sep-19 10:11:11

Bird40, you are just so brave and stronger than you realise. You have managed this without support so far. I hope you can build on your courage by finding support to deal with the challenges you may have ahead. There are some understanding and wise words already shared here about abuse. Best of luck going forward. You can do it!

EmilyHarburn Tue 03-Sep-19 10:15:16

You are right to leave him. There is good advice from others who have replied.

I have just finished reading A Mother's Confession: a heartbreaking story by Kelly Rimmer, on Kindle for 99p on offer. Olivia was the mother and her mother in law is Ivy. The story is told from both their points of view and it is illuminating. It shows how Ivy contributes to the abuse whilst rationalising what she knows about her only, much loved son, who is the abuser.

Tigertooth Tue 03-Sep-19 10:17:05

His parents moved closer to be looked after? Well their son can still look after them so that’s not a problem. And a 28 yr old sitting in a dark small room? You did him a favour to tell him to move on.
Your ex will show his true colours to the children eventually - meanwhile just smile and focus on how much you live them. Enjoy not treading on eggshells and do NOT allow yourself to be manipulated into having him back. Invite the in-laws to tea but say that it is a tea and time with children, and not a forum to discuss marriage which is over. They take it or leave it.
If he’s been suspended for inappropriate behaviour then people will be wondering why you stayed so long, not why you split. Do t worry about people at his work judging anyway, they are nothing to you, enjoy your freedom. Xxxx

mrsnonsmoker Tue 03-Sep-19 10:18:26

First of all huge congratulations on getting him to go - your children might struggle now, it won't be easy, but they will struggle even more if they stayed in the toxic environment you describe. Sadly I know.

Bird, you are only 40, you sound completely and utterly downtrodden. From the way you write, things you say, it makes me wonder if you have had any advice and support - you are definitely in the process of leaving an abusive marriage and you need to protect yourself and your children. Have you sorted out finances and any necessary shared care for the children? Have you seen a solicitor?

I am glad that Gransnet have got behind you, but did you know there is a huge amount of support and info on Mumsnet? A great many women there are going through what you are going through. My advice to you is to get angry. Think how dare this man treat me like dirt and set my children up for years of misery - throw out this feeling of guilt and obligation (in fact they call it FOG - fear guilt and obligation). As for the in laws - you cannot control other peoples thoughts and feelings. Just let them know that their son made your life very difficult (if you want to be diplomatic) and that you would be pleased if they are going to stay in your children's lives but only if they are going to be sensible through the divorce etc.

Please go on to the Women's Aid website and book yourself in for the Freedom programme, I don't think I have ever come across a poster who needs it more.

blondenana Tue 03-Sep-19 10:19:36

Bird40 i haven't read all the comments as not much time at the moment, but couldn't ignore.
Your husband is definitely abusive,i don't think you have anything to apologise for
You are better off without him in your life,as you have shown by how you feel without him
These men are so charming to outsiders that no one believes they could be so cruel in the home
Please don't have him back,he is a manipulator, and likes to be the victim
You might be surprised to learn that his parents know what he is like,
Please don't feel you have let them down, look after yourself, you are still young enough o find someone worthy of you
At the moment you might think it's the last thing you want, but look for the signs if there is a next time,they are there,
Put yourself first and your children of course,flowers

Tigertooth Tue 03-Sep-19 10:19:43

Fibromyalgia - it’s not s magic cure for all but my very dear friend has found it life changing -LDN; Low dose Naltroxine. Just google and have a look at the info.

Lin663 Tue 03-Sep-19 10:20:24

I completely agree with all the comments here. You do not need to apologise or feel guilty. Be kind to yourself and stop questioning yourself. You have been very brave and should be proud you have had the strength to make this decision. It’s not easy to bring up a child on your own, but it’s harder to do it in an abusive relationship where you are trying to protect your children from seeing the abuse. Your ex is manipulative and cruel. I guarantee that anyone whose opinion is worth knowing, will understand that there are two sides to every story and that calling you “mental” says much more about him than it does about you. Good luck!

Sandigold Tue 03-Sep-19 10:21:00

I think you have been very brave and done very well to ask him to leave. You deserve to be treated well and not have a big overgrown child bully to support. It's understandable that you don't want to run him down to his in laws or your children but don't let them erode your own by ard won freedom. A support group or professional support would be great for you as others have said.