I've let down my inlaws and my marriage

Thank you xx

I saw this today.
www.theguardian.com/society/2019/oct/02/action-needed-to-tackle-domestic-abuse-of-over-60s-says-age-uk

Ah, Birdy40, that's hard.

It will get better, though. You're going through the worst of it right now but it won't be this way forever. Do you have any friends via your children that you could invite for coffee?

Come and talk to us here, we'll lend a sympathetic ear.

I have just spoken to him.... He is at home taking the rest of his books and paperwork. I know it's weak but I couslnt face being there. I'm tearful Anway but because he is being so reasonable and kind and negotiating and chatty- I am worried about falling back into his arms. I'm lonely and friends seem to have melted away from me. I'm no fun at the moment!
I took
Myself out to a garden centre and I'm now Having luxnh but sitting in a coffee shop looking like I've had a breakdown with tears down my face and a bright red nose. Feel quite sorry for myself and actually rather hopeless. Why wouldn't he talk to me like that in the marriage- he is managing to sound reasonable now...but before I'd never know where I was with him. Thanks- I didn't know where else to turn

Bird 40 do not get sucked into your ex husbands trap. He is gas lightning you , he is saying what he thinks you want to hear and trying to lure you back. If he loved you as much as he states,why didn't he make more effort in the marriage. Stay strong, you do not need this man in your life.

Bird40, Well done for making him leave. All you need to tell your children is that you don't love him anymore. You can be more honest with your in-laws and can reassure them that you are still very fond of them.

Make sure that everyone knows there will be no reconciliation. You have a whole new life so make use of all the support and legal advice mentioned by everyone above.
You have not 'failed' at all, just made a positive move for a happier future, one you truly deserve!

Bird40 you are an inspiration. Stay strong.

Thank you for the update, Bird40. Of course your husband is sending you nice, positive messages. He's trying to lure you back. You're being very brave in sticking to your resolution that things must change. You're a young woman and you have your children's best interests at heart.

Thank you for all of your kindness. I started to crumble a bit over the past week as he has been sending me really positive, I suppose flattering messages, stating he misses me ad loves me an awful lot /praising my parenting skills. It's been very confusing. I Havn't responded to most of the messages other than to comment about the children.
One message where he said that the children were coping with a lot and that he was heartbroken, I did respond to and told him that I'd always put the kids and him first and was now exhausted with that pattern) Obv the kids still are my priority. He did not answer to that. I feel guilty, horribly guilty still and do keep having wobbles where I think I miss him or I worry for him. We did have lots of great times over 20 years...
He has asked me if there have been other men (no) and told me the kids had told him I sleep over at another man's house?! I don't! I do have a male friend that I started to do a hobby with- never really had a hobby before- but we aren't dating or anything else (perish the thought!) so I can't quite grasp where that has come from. The one thing that did happen was that we held hands watching a bit of T.V and do you know what? It felt natural and actually very sweet and I felt relaxed and comfortable doing so. However,I am still married and would not want to even think about anything else until I was divorced. It did make me very paranoid and wonder if somehow he knew- but There is nothing for him to know really and I certainly don't sleep there!
He has put a tracker on my sons mobile so that we know where he is- this now usually means he knows where I am but that doesn't bother me really after I got over the initial worry that i was also being tracked. I realised that it was a good idea that we did know where my son was(although my mobile is too old to have the tracker on it so I can't track my son when he is with his dad) but I don't feel I need to.
I Havn't seen my (ex) inlaws although they did send me a text so I have replied saying they are welcome to come for tea and see the kids any night really as usually we are home.
It's still a bit of a mess and I feel wobbly but think I've prob made the right decision as although my heart still flutters when I see him- it wasn't healthy. I could never say that we didn't try for years and years to level things out but I hate that I've Upset the children and him.
Thanks again for listening to me x

Please keep us posted, Bird, and let us know how you're doing.

Can't say any more than what has already been said and advised. Good luck for the future, whatever you decide to do.
I am divorced from someone who clearly didn't love me. I am single now and quite resigned to the fact, I will stay so. My children are marvellous, and I am content .

Oh, Bird, my heart goes out to you! I agree with other posters that you've done the right thing, you're very brave, and should enjoy your new life. Please realize it's a classic abuser move to apologize and try to win back the abused - just so they can start the abuse all over again. Please don't ever fall for that, don't even think about it.

As for your children, I know this is a period of adjustment for them, and it may be hard. IMO, that's true in many divorce cases. I would just tell them that it's not a matter of "love," that you and their dad just didn't get along anymore and couldn't make each other happy. Also, please emphasize that it isn't their problem (he may be making them feel like it is) and that you both will always love them , no matter what. Oh and that you'll always want them in your life, regardless (in case they are worried about that) b/c they are your beloved children, period.

Surely, as time goes on, this situation will get better. Best of luck to you and keep us posted!

Bird, don't make things more difficult for yourself. Accept its over and look forward to the rest of your life. All the other stuff will fall into place, you have one the really hard bit. Let him do as he chooses. Don't let it affect you. Good riddance seems appropriate.

Thank you taking the time to reveal more of your story, Bird- It will work out, one way or another- I wish you a speedy recovery from your procedure -

www-urbandictionary-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?amp_js_v=a2&_gsa=1&term=Sociopath&=true&usqp=mq331AQEKAFwAQ%3D%3D#aoh=15676135490104&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&_tf=From%20%251%24s&share=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.urbandictionary.com%2Fdefine.php%3Fterm%3DSociopath

You sound such a lovely person Bird40 - abusers like him always choose victims who are gentle and kind so that they can 'manipulate' and control them. Take a look in Google at the definition of a Sociopath, chances are you'll recognise that he fits the bill perfectly! I truly hope that following all these lovely supportive responses that you'll gain courage and will stop 'beating yourself up'. You had no choice but to leave, you're not to blame. One day you're DC will come to understand this. Time to take care of yourself now - you've suffered enough!

Oh goodness, I just found another page of replies. Thank you so much for all of your time.
Honestly, when I posted I thought I'd maye get a handful
Of replies and at least a couple of 'get over it/ your choice.... But I've had ALL very well thought out, kind and sensible thoughts. Thank you xxx

Dear all, I am blown away actually. Sorry not to reply straight away. My children came back to me yesterday ( their dad has had them while I recover which was the best thing for them but I've missed them so much.
I had a message on MOnday (so 3 days post op) nt to be dramatic! It's a routine abdo op but I'm sore and still slow from anaesthetic. My husband /ex sent me a message saying how 'he didn't want this and that is broken his heart and ripped this beautiful family apart' I cried for a little bit then felt quite angry as actually, he knows how I have felt about things and it hasn't mattered. I am crushed to be putting the kids through this but honestly don't feel I can live like this anymore. Yes- out beautiful children! And they are; thoughtful, kind, funny, Generous, loving, bright and insightful. I wouldn't be putting them through this but I felt like I was in a misty plastic bag, tied with some elastic onto a tree- I know that sounds ridiculous but I could t get a foot hold, couldn't see,everything felt distorted.
My husband is very handsome and although a bit quirky, is very funny and can be very thoughtful. He has told the children that he has bought me something for our wedding anniversary. I don't feel the kids needed to know that.
I hope as they get older they might remember me looking stressed and drawn and look at me now and see something a little different. My ex/ their dad is very upset and clearly sees this as all my fault. The thing is, I actually don't want to be in a room with him to explain all of the 'why's' He does love me but we have been through separation and Relate before and although he kicked his drinking problem ( v impressed with this) his behaviour can still be very off. For years I blamed things on two bottles of wine but honestly it's not much different now that he doesn't drink
You've all been wonderful replying to me. I'm going to book an appt with my GP and have a look at domestic abuse site at the end of the week once the kids are back at school. I wouldn't want them to see what I am looking at but also mornings and late eve when thy aren't about so muxh- I'm sleepy. Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and care xx

Ellpammar19 posted a dead link but if you go to

lindagraham-mft.net

And look under Resources, you'll find what you need.

Bird40 you have done the hard part by deciding to end this abusive relationship. There is such a lot of good advice on here. Listen to it and hopefully it will help you to move on. I empathise completely with your feelings of relief. I felt like a weight had been lifted when my OH finally left. I never said anything bad about him to my DC but they soon sussed him out for what he was. I kept in touch with his family and took the DC to see them regularly with no mention of him or what he had done. Eventually I had to ring him to tell him his mother was dying and he should visit her. Luckily he did and she was able to die happy. I was so relieved as she was a lovely lady.

He died recently as a result of his own lifestyle and my DC and I went to the funeral to support his family with whom we still remain close. I feel happy that he did not destroy that relationship as well. I don't know if this is appropriate for you but it worked for me.

By the way I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia but as my mental state improved and I became more independent I took my physical health more seriously and took time to exercise and relax. I now rarely have problems with it. I do understand that this may not work for everybody but it's worth thinking about.

You haven't let anyone down. There comes a time in life when we can take no more of bad behaviour, and the need to walk away takes precedence in order to protect ourselves.

Leave. Close the door on that life and go to CAB to get advice on starting a new life.

You are allowed to pity your former self, Bird40. You are also allowed to congratulate yourself on your wise decision to live without him
Your load of remorse is caused by your emotional and physical exhaustion, and these unpleasant feelings will cease to trouble you so much when you have recovered your strength. You need rest after your operation.

Maybe your children could understand if you explained to them you worked too hard when their daddy lived with you. Do they know the story of Cinderella?

I agree with Wild Swan. It sounds as though the relationship has broken down to an intolerable level ... you need to survive this ..it's not your fault xx

You poor thing. You were definitely in denial when you thought you were not in an abusive relationship. If it was me I would write a letter to your in laws explaining what your relationship was like with their son. If you have that conversation face to face, it may become difficult, but writing to then gives them time to digest how you've been feeling. Keep a copy for your solicitor