Strange male friend from the past

Jo1960 thank you for coming to the rescue ! I am really grateful to you and all the other people from gransnet who have tried to warn me about this relationship in a nice way .
However. It seems that some people cannot be nice and can only advise people in a nasty and unfriendly way.
In my opinion , you can always say the truth but without causing offence.
Those of you who can’t well it’s your problem.
Still , the majority of people were helpful and I have enough advice now to last me a lifetime and I will act on it .
In view of all that I have just said and in order to stop the debate from deteriorating further , I would like to stop this discussion now .
Thanks again if you tried to help

Have you posted your situation on Mumsnet?

Sunseeker i don’t !

If you can’t help with this issue then don’t say anything and don’t insult people ; this forum is not about that
Nor is this forum about complaining about a (confusing) situation about which any sane person would have taken action in the first minutes.
Don’t complain you have not been offered help - there has been more than the situation warrants.
Block him or don’t answer his calls/ignore his texts/change your number.
Which of these do you find hard?

You say you are "reluctant" to phone him because he talks about his sex life - so why do you phone him?

You communicate mainly by text to avoid his smutty talk.
Being with him in person isn't likely to suit you, then.

It seems that you seek approval for this relationship, whilst (I think) subconsciously recognising it as unhealthy; you know it is not going to solve your loneliness, lack of friends and unhappy marriage. Your reaction to his sex talk 'I find it distasteful' shows you are not comfortable with him, so why take offence when people warn you about him?

I have been through a lonely, unhappy marriage and divorce, and I do understand how vulnerable you feel, but this man is not the solution; he really isn't helping you. His flattery is tying you into a fantasy relationship and preventing you from finding companionship in your real life. Persevere with your classes and activities and marriage and friendship will come.

Sometimes, Jo1960 a litle cold water added to the warm bath of sympathy can awaken someone who is in danger of being so flattered by getting attention that they are sleepwalking into a relationship thast they don't really want.

The very fact that the original poster has asked for opinions on this long-distance friendship indicates that she is not happy with it. If she were perfectly sure that all was OK, she wouldn't need to ask what anyone else thought.

She asked what others thought. I answered her.

I presume Elegran, that you've never been in a very lonely marriage, and finding it difficult to find friendship? Perhaps, because I have an empathic bent, I can see how a longed for connection, especially with an old friend from one's homeland can appear to be a lifeline? The OP also says she doesn't ring him in order to avoid his sexual antics as, in his text communications, he doesn't talk about it. Why should she be inventing this? I'm sure if she was "getting off" on this, it would be a damn site more spicey! It makes no sense to me. As for being honest, there are ways of being "honest" that aren't defamatory and come from kindness and concern. Unless of course, you know more than I do, and the OP is known to fabricate tales for her own gratufication; if this is the case then the more honest way forward is surely to report her. This approach comes across as bullying tbh.

Sounds like he'd like a friend with benefits!
Not sure that I like him getting cross with you because you don't contact him back when he expects you to !
Unless you really, really are thinking of returning to your home country, with the possibility of starting a proper relationship with this man, I think you need to tell him that you just want a friendship with him, nothing more. It is so easy to get carried away when you are "chatting" on social media. People can just be saying what you want them to say, without meaning one word of it. If you are unhappy in your marriage, that has to be dealt with separately, without thinking this man could be your knight in shining armour , riding in to save you.

If you post asking what do people think, surely you expect them to answer honestly?

kiki If you found his sex talk unpleasant, why have you not stopped it? Don't complain that being suspected of enjoying it is "disappointing", take action yourself to stop it.

You know yourself what the remedy is - and it isn't to continue replying to texts and holding unpleasant telephone conversations. Incidentally, you do know WHY he doesn't put anything in writing in a text, don't you? It is because he can deny what he has said verbally.

If you don't want to be assertive enough to tell him you don't want him to contact you again, tell him your husband has listened in to a phone call, is in the police, is onto him and will get proceedings started against him for harassment if he contacs you again. Add that he will be in the creep's area next month and will personally come round to his house and bash his teeth in.

I bet you won't see him for dust.

But if course, if you don't really wish to get rid of him, keep acting as you have done so far.

Block him. Sounds like HE is the fantasist!

Sorry kiki2 You initially said he makes these comments in phone calls, then say most communication is been by text and he doesn't do that in texts. I am confused as to what you are asking advice about, so I will be leaving this thread

Elegant it is disappointing that , inevitably , someone like you starts making nasty comments , completely gratuitous in my opinion
If you can’t help with this issue then don’t say anything and don’t insult people ; this forum is not about that

No that’s why I am not keen to phone him and most of the communication has been by text and he doesn’t do that in his texts

You find his talk about sex with his girlfriend distasteful. So tell him that you find it distasteful, that it is too much information.

If after that he keeps on informing you of his sex life (rather like a small child telling anyone within hearing distance that they have done a poo!) then it is because he enjoys boasting about it. If you don't call a halt, it is because, secretly, you enjoy the second-hand thrill of hearing him.

You know how to stop this, so why tell us about his calls and his news flashes about his sex life? Probably because you are enjoying the discussion - as much as you enjoy chatting to him.

Unless, of course, he doesn't exist, and what you are enjoying here is telling fairy stories about a fantasy? Why not write a novel instead, that might even become a best-seller and make you famous.

You say you find his talking about sex "distasteful" yet you still take his phone calls. I hate to say it but I think you secretly enjoy it. Perhaps even posting on here is part of that enjoyment.

Yuck!

Hi Monica perhaps I didn’t explain well in my first post ; when he talks about sex it’s not sex with me but for instance he won’t be worried about telling me he had sex with his girlfriend last night or and ask me how often I have sex with my husband and I find it distasteful

OP, you don't have a male friend there. You have a predatory creep.

Block his e-mails.

It sounds like he's just discovered the little blue pills and looking for a use for them. I doubt very much that you are the only female he is making up to, grooming, call it what you will.

I would be completely and utterly angry with my sister or anyone else who gave my number to anyone without my permission.I
This guy sounds very creepy. Why would be be talking about sex every time he called and why is he asking you to move to a different area when you are not even dating. Unless you are leading him on!!
Get rid he sounds demanding , scary and possibly dangerous.

This far along the thread and the OP still sees this relationship as being talking about a male friend when she has previously said When we do speak, it is essentially about himself and the conversation always ends up about sex as he is obviously keen on the subject ! and despite nearly everyone else saying that this relationship is essentially a sexual relationship, even though it has not been consummated.

If you were a child it would be described as grooming and considered a crime. You are an adult and have made adult choices, but stop deceiving yourself by talking about a male friend and no more. the relationship has gone way past that.