Husband cheated - are you glad you found out?

Interesting to see this on what would have been my 44th wedding anniversary. My ex cheated on me at least twice during the 16 yrs we were together. The first time I knew about was when I was pregnant with our second child. I worked hard to forgive him and get past it, but the second time it happened all the feelings came rushing back and I asked him to leave. It was a horrible time and even now I don't like to think about it. We both married other people and are civil to each other when we meet at family events, but I have this feeling in my heart for which I have no words...not loss, not regret, but definitely sadness that a loving family was broken, and that my young and innocent children were caught in the ripples of our separation

Elizabeth68
Respect! Are you in contact woth your ex lover?

My husband seemed to spend a lot of time in the phone box on holiday. I followed him in and he explained he was phoning his uncle.Then his friend who he visited every Monday called to say he hadn't seen him for ages.The final straw came after his golf weekend when his colleague phoned to ask me for the address of the bride's mother. I didn't know what he was talking about but chatted about the wedding as if I had been there.He revealed enough details for me to find out who she was and that it had been going on for ages.
He has moved out now but I decided not to divorce him as I will still be entitled to his pension.

Rosecarmel It is not new that women too will, married or in a partnership, have' affairs'.Question being why when he/she has a wife/husband /partner home children and to all appearances the last you would expect of this.
Working through it may be the easy part.

I found out five years ago that my husband of 32 years had been having an affair!! He swore he was only friends with this woman and admitted to having slept with her a few times!

He left the family home after his revelation because he couldn’t end his Friendship. He’s now back sharing the family home but is more a lodger than a husband . Sometimes I’m glad I’m not on my own but others I resent him and the lies he told.

He was devastated that the other woman cut off contact with him. Probably afraid of her family finding out.

In answer to the question I’m happy I found out !! It’s made me stronger I don’t take negative treatment any more but wish I had the guts to start again !! He says he’s become a better person and is trying to make things work but the hurt remains daily along with the lack of trust.

I left my 1st H who was very controlling after 1 year of marriage as I was having an affair with a married man. H found out but I was glad to get out.

Man I was having the affair with left his wife & 4 children, we set up home together & had my lovely DD. After several years together his wife met some-one else & divorced my OH citing me as the other party. After about 10 years together we married, that lasted 15 months. Due to financial difficulties he buried his head in the sand & started an affair with an older woman. I suspected & it broke my DD heart when he didn't turn up to see her despite his promises.

I divorced 2nd H, moved house, went back to College, all with a 5 year old DD. After 3 years I met the man who became my 3rd DH. We were together for almost 23 years, married for almost 21 years. My DD adored him. On the day of his Funeral my DD said "you've lost the love of your life", we had a great marriage, loving & totally honest.

Now over 6 years later I have met some-one who I have great affection for but am unlikely to have a full time relationship with, the best of both worlds, my own life to enjoy & a close friendship where we share days out & short breaks.

So I've been on both sides, I'm a very faithful person but with H no1 it was his controlling attitude which would have driven me away affair or not.

I didn’t know my husband was having an affair until I returned home from work one lunchtime to find he had packed everything he owned in his car and was waiting for me with his ‘mistress’. This was 2 days before our 37th wedding anniversary (we would have been married 50 years today!). I divorced him and he married her very soon after. Our daughter, who idolised him, has never spoken to him since, and he has never seen his lovely grandson. I like to think that he lost more than I did.

I don’t see how you can compare our culture with that of other races and religions, BradfordLass72. If we are brought up in a monogamous culture, then that’s what we expect. My parents and his parents both remained married for 60+ years, and I had no reason to believe that my happy marriage wouldn’t stay the course.

I found out about 4 years ago and long after we were divorced that he had a son he didn’t know about, who was born a month after my youngest child was born (so two of us waddling about at the same time) She was only 17 and gave him up for adoption I ve met up with the son as have my children a nice lad I have no ill feelings towards him or his birth mother (I ve not met her) who had apparently told the boy that his father was a married man with children but she was a baby herself and he was very charismatic and controlling so I m sure her head was turned
I would imagine there are more half siblings around I d be interested to know them, but don’t hold any ill will after all these years but would have if I’d have known at the time My ex died a couple of years ago

Whywhywhy
I'm not a better person than you
I'm just showing him what he has thrown away and that I was a nicer more trusting lovinng wife than what he has now.
I love my children and grandchildren and he loves that in me because his wife does not see hers.
So by letting him see into my life now he can see all he has lost

Certainly if a person becomes intimately involved with 2 individuals, all involved would require knowledge of what was going on in order to deem the relationships loving- Otherwise the relationships are based on deceit-

sodapop, the question was husband specific- So wives are sharing their experiences -

Women cheat too- Neither are let off the hook, both are responsible for not thinking matters through-

Plenty of married couples have open marriages or come to some understanding that enables those marriages to last- They are unconventional but no less functional than monogamous marriages-

But men are equally as capable of remaining faithful as women- There are more than enough loving husbands in the world to support that fact-

There are also plenty of marriages that survived infidelity, no matter if it was the wife that cheated or the husband- A person's integrity is subject to change, just like everything else- Such couples had the courage to work thru the hurt and discomfort of infidelity- Some believe the cheating itself strengthened their marriage when in fact any life changing event could have acted as a catalyst in a marriage where open communication and vulnerability were lacking-

Twenty years into my marriage I found out my husband was having an affair with a friend of my good girlfriend (the good girlfriend told me) but I wasn't at all surprised. I knew he'd been having affairs but I turned a blind eye for the sake of our children and because he was controlling of everything in my life so I didn't know how I'd survive without him. I was afraid to be on my own but I secretly hoped he'd run away with her. He dumped her, breaking her heart, and clung to me as a better option. But yes, I'm very glad my girlfriend told me. It gave me a small sense of power; a feeling that for once in our marriage he was in the wrong and I was in the right. I didn't leave him. I met the mistress though and we got on very well!

Mary59nana - You are a better person than me as I wouldn't spit on my ex if he was in flames. I hope all these blokes end up miserable old men! They make me sick!

I found out after 32 years
Total shock and disbelief as I felt I had a lovely marrage.
I divorced and healed my confidence and now am single and happy to be.
He went on to marry her
Estranged from his 3 adult children and GC fir 9 years until this year when j bumped into him
He looked a very sad man
He told me his life is unbearable sad and he put it that he us a broken Pawn living with a domanerin queen.
I helped him repair his relationship with our children an grandchildren
And gave spent days out with him having fun with them.
Unknown to his wife I'm the other women....But mine is just living the dream life I had planned for us as Grandparents but step out when need to ....

LondonMzFitz - I'm sending you hugs. What an awful time you have had to put up with. I know what you mean though. They have the ability to make you feel like shit! All along it is them at fault. I hope you can move on and make a great life for yourself and your son. I feel for the kids. My daughter has not spoke to her dad in 17 years and I don't blame her. Take care. x

I was married for 21 years to a man I loved deeply. I found he had been cheating on me for 6 months. I felt physically sick and we had been having a normal sex life during this time and I had not suspected at all. We shared 3 children, a home and our business. I packed up his things into black sacks and dumped into garden. I had locks changed by pretending I had lost my keys. I booked solicitor appointment. I text him that i knew he was having affair snd to come to collect hos stuff imediately and if he refused I would tell her husband. He made it a messy divorce. 15 years later 1 child still refuses to speak to his Dad. I remarried and have been far happier in second marriage. My ex husband's affair finished very quickly but i refused to take him back. He lost 1 child, 1/2 his pension and business. He has been with a new partner for 10 years but she refuses to marry him. He seems happy enough but he has little money whereas I am now financially comfortable. We share 2 grandchildren without any problems. I would do the same again.

Yes I'm glad I found out about my husband - from his 50th birthday in August 2011 he started treating me as if I were "the enemy", snide remarks in front of our son, his Mum (MIL) our friends. Ignoring me at home. Our 23rd Wedding Anniversary, dinner with our son, my husband said "it's not like there's much to celebrate, is there" - I wish wish wish I'd pulled him up on that, but I think he was trying to bait me into an argument. Belittling me constantly (picking up a turkey from M&S that Christmas I'd forgotten the piece of paper which had the order details, as a female member of staff looked it up on the computer he said to her, with an exaggerated eye roll and a big sigh, "I won't bring her next year". Poor woman looked horrified). I tried to talk to him - he'd said he was concerned over money and I counter signed a £10,000 loan to pay off his credit card. He'd disappear off to the garage for hours. He'd walk the dog for hours - when, over Christmas, I suggested that his Mum and I join him on one of the dog walks he got really annoyed - disappeared while we were on our walk for ages. He went to a friends 40th birthday celebration without me (told me it was "just the guys"). Finally, sick of his behaviour towards me, I checked his facebook messages and found he'd been in contact with the wife of the friend who'd turned 40, they'd been in contact since my husband had turned 50, met up at her husbands birthday that my husband had told me was just the guys; flirty messages, arranging to meet up and how he couldn't wait to give her a great big cuddle. When confronted he said he didn't want to be married anymore. After 2 weeks where I found more messages had been sent (found his phone bills - including him phoning her from our house phone) I told him to leave.

Seven and a half years ago now. Still married - I said, you want the divorce, you sort it. I despise him, absolutely despise him, the way he made me feel, questioning myself, treading on eggshells around him and this angry mood he was in. He can't understand why we can't still be friends .....
The friends wife admitted to the messages going further than they should have, but looking back I'm certain it was all about him - she wasn't interested in him at all (she's now divorced, her husband has married again). My husband had just turned 50, she was 33. I set up one counselling meeting with Relate (waste of time and money) where he referred to himself as this "fit active guy" while I "do nothing". Never did I think this would happen to me. Our son was desperately upset, his relationship with his Dad was fabulous, it's now pretty poor.

Our friends tried, I guess, to be sympathetic. Got to say, they failed miserably! I miss them desperately but not one have been in touch with me for years. I miss them more than I miss him.

He spent the first 4 years on his own - trawling dating sites, I believe - had a girlfriend for a year, she broke up with him, he spent another year on his own. At the moment he's back with that girlfriend and although I try not to feel this way I hope she breaks his bloody heart.

My first husband had an affair when my kids where small but because I was a battered wife with nowhere to go, I put up with it. I think in the back of my mind I was hoping that they would run off with them, but no luck. Then I finally got the courage and walked out with the kids only to discover that he had infact had 3 affairs and all these women went back to their husbands! I would never put up with any man having an affair now. It is better to be on your own and happy than to put up with this crap.

Beautifully spoken!

Bradfordlass72 How right you are.
No doubt there are and always will be those in love and yet love circumstances.

Affairs are more common place than people realise. That's why if the police ever want DNA samples to identify a child they ask the mother.....
I have never been married, but I have had a partner cheat on me. I ended the relationship. I'm not a forgiving person I'm afraid.

No comments from any male posters. I can't believe infidelity is restricted to men. In fact I know it isn't. I'm not sure that not having sex makes it less serious, the attraction and intention are still there.

Whilst not wishing to tar all men with the same brush, there are extremely large numbers that either have affairs or use prostitutes. I’ll never forget an old friend who was told by her ex partner upon discovering one of his liaisons, “once a man gets a woman to love him, she can be shown a video of him having sex with another woman and she’ll deny it for him. That’s what men do to women”. To say this destroyed her is an understatement. My ex husband told me most men have dalliances and their wives/girlfriends don’t have a clue. I have done community work and a read of a vile site called UK Punting certainly brings home this secret world men inhabit.

My husband and I were always lovers. Only once did he get fond of a girl he worked with, 18 years his junior. We were watching TV one evening when he suddenly gave a great sob, and when I went to ask him what was wrong he told me about her and the fact that his boss had hauled him over the coals about it. I told him not to worry, I would always love him. A few days later his work held an annual party. He told me to dress in my best and I must say I did look very nice. When we got there he pointed the girl out to me and she was a stunner. very slim. nice hair, pretty face... But he had never actually had an affair with her, it was close but not quite. She was a divorcee.
A few years later I enrolled in the Open University and began a degree in science. In the Summer School I had to work with a very handsome man 6 years my senior, who made it plain that he fancied me. I was flattered and on the last night he kissed me and said he was in love with me. Nothing else happened but I went home all of a flutter, and my husband guessed something had happened. I did not admit it, The student, who lived a very long way away, began to send me sexy letters to my work and even phoned me at home, and I pretended to my husband that he was just helping me with a homework assignment. I was still in love with my husband but also with the student, so you can love 2 people at the same time. I did not meet him again as I enrolled in another course, on purpose, as I did not want to ruin my marriage and maybe lose my young children. The student confessed to his wife and she sent me a letter to my work, telling me that he had had numerous affairs and she was going to stay with him, so I might as well forget him.
I did not, but I tried not to think about him and gradually our long distance relationship petered out. If I had divorced my darling husband for this handsome charmer I would have regretted it because he would just kept cheating.
My marriage lasted 54 years and I still love my husband even though he is no longer around. Bless him.

karen1962 Not in my case. Yes the penny dropped as once I had the information but I genuinely had no idea.