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Husband cheated - are you glad you found out?

(113 Posts)
CanuckaLatte Thu 05-Sep-19 12:37:03

NC for this.
Question for those that thought they had a happy solid marriage/relationship and found out their partner had been cheating: despite the turmoil and the pain, are you glad you found out? Or in hindsight, do you wish you hadn't?

Tweedle24 Thu 05-Sep-19 13:23:04

It was many years ago now but, I discovered that my husband of thirteen years was cheating. I divorced him and never regretted it. I could have coped with the sex but not with the accompanying lies and deceit.

It was hard but I later had over thirty years with a wonderful man who became my DH. Sadly, he died three years ago but, those years with him were not to be regretted,

Craicon Thu 05-Sep-19 13:30:30

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CanuckaLatte Thu 05-Sep-19 13:51:17

I guess I didn't actually name change. Duh. Thanks for your response Tweedle24.

BradfordLass72 Fri 06-Sep-19 01:53:29

There are many things around this subject with which I disagree - but this is absolutely NOT a dig at CanuckaLatte.
Love the name, I had great coffee in Canada !

Some people fall genuinely in love with another person even though they have a happy marriage
It's ridiculous to say you can't love 2 people at the same time. Humans have proved this wrong since time immemorial.

It's not easy to leave a bleak relationship, especially if you know you will destroy the well-being of someone else, especially children.
It is easy to believe that the comfort, affection, relief and friendship received elsewhere can be enjoyed parallel.
It is not always a cynical move to try and have both. Sometimes it is desperation.

Monogamy, to men as well as women does not always come naturally and is a religion-based idea.

There are quite a few cultures where it is not practiced. The 'walking marriage' of the Mosuo people has worked for generations. The women choose whom they want to father their children, sometimes a different man each time. The man never lives with the mother

So whilst we are strapped into a false Judeo-Christian tradition which goes against the nature of so many, we will have what we see as 'marital problems'.

We will say 'unfaithful' and 'cheating' and other blame words because we need to absolve ourselves and have a focus for the bitterness, anger and grief which comes from not understanding human nature and possibly even the person with whom we shared our lives.

When the Communists took over Viet-nam, they deliberately took people from the professions they had chosen and forced them into re-education.
Dancers were made to be prison guards; writers beame cleaners; artists (if they survived) were 're-educated' as slaughterhouse assistants.

If you try to force someone into an alien culture you either destroy them or risk they will rebel.

A very few will simply accept and carry on, as Thoreau said, 'in quiet desperation' .

The fact we are seeing so many partnerships "fail" (another blame word) seems to indicate the truth of this.

rosecarmel Fri 06-Sep-19 05:02:20

Men are equally as capable of maintaining a monogamous relationship as women- However, thru the ages law of the land and religion have catered to males- Provided them with a sexual pedestal, so to speak- A crutch for their pseudo handicap-

Stop giving males free passes- And pedestals- And crutches-

The belief that men are less capable of monogamy than women is no better than any other religion or law that caters to males-

stella1949 Fri 06-Sep-19 05:50:01

I found out after 9 years - he'd been having an affair for three years at that point. I wasn't "glad to find out" - and I was even less "glad" when during my research I actually found out that he'd had a previous affair, starting within months of us getting married. I also found out that I was, as they say, the last person to find out. We lived in a small town and it was obvious to me that many, many people must have known while I was oblivious to his activities. I even had my 2nd child during that period, so you could say that I was devastated.

It's not so much the sex, etc, which destroys you . It's knowing that he has been lying and lying and lying to you. He'd even told me that his friend had died and he had to travel to his funeral - turns out he had a "weekend away" with his girlfriend . And knowing that every Christmas, every birthday, every special day together....he'd been thinking about her instead.

I certainly did get a divorce - best thing I ever did. At least then I could make a fresh start. The idea of staying, getting counselling, etc, would not be for me. I'd have always lived with the knowledge that I was living with someone who thought nothing of betraying me, and telling me untold layers of lies to maintain his " having cake and eating it" lifestyle.

Sparklefizz Fri 06-Sep-19 08:04:55

Snap !!! stella1949
I think we were married to the same man!
There's no greater betrayal than a man being unfaithful whilst his wife is pregnant.... it happened to me too.

I agree with everything you say.

We deserved better. flowers

stella1949 Fri 06-Sep-19 08:10:59

Sparklefizz Yes we certainly did deserve better. Why these men even bother to get married is beyond comprehension - but maybe it's the "having cake and eating it " which appeals to them. They like having the little woman at home, children , all the trappings......and someone else as well to give them that "thrill of the forbidden fruit" .

sodapop Fri 06-Sep-19 08:28:53

Me too sparklefizz but I did get revenge of a sort.

Sparklefizz Fri 06-Sep-19 08:36:07

Well done soda - the best revenge is to be happy. smile

Sparklefizz Fri 06-Sep-19 08:37:06

stella Those sort of men like the control.

mosaicwarts Fri 06-Sep-19 09:17:37

My Mum was devastated to find out my Dad was cheating, but allowed him to see his 'girlfriend' hoping it would fizzle out. I remember her waiting for him to come home at the bedroom window sad She then found out it was 'girlfriends' and accepted dreadful treatment from my Dad which I disagreed with, but she couldn't bear to lose him.

They finally divorced and my Mum maintained contact with my Dad and his new wife until her death. I took no interest in my step mother and never even knew her surname. Sadly she too died many years ago - my Dad is now 87, we only exchange birthday and christmas cards.

I think my Mum would have been happier not knowing. My stupid Dad ordered a new washing machine for his girlfriend and by mistake had it delivered to our house - my Mum had an awful old twin tub. She smashed it to bits with a hammer. It was a dreadful childhood for my brother and I.

Moongirl Fri 06-Sep-19 09:22:28

Utterly devasted after 21 years of marriage. At first I was furious that he hadn’t put our children/family unit (inc. me) first, as I did during all of the better and worse stages we went through in our 25 years together (and most were really good and happy, only occasional rough patches of weeks, not months).
As all the initial bewilderment and hurt subsided I was proud of myself for staying calm and determined to keep things on an even keel for my teenagers who were at the important exam stages.
My feelings turned quickly to utter contempt and I realised that I no longer loved him because I had lost all respect for him as the affair demonstrated he was pitiful, selfish and naiive and I wouldn’t trust him ever again.
Eventually I told him to leave and started divorce proceedings. He later moved in with a woman who worked for him (not the affair) and I dealt with all the fallout without telling anyone about his 2 year affair as I felt that was personal, between him and me, and didn’t want to upset our children or affect how others saw him.
At no point have I ever regretted it. At no point will I ever forgive him for breaking up my family or for making me lose confidence in my own judgements.
He married the work colleague who made no effort with our children, maybe not surprising as she walked out on her own teens to set up home with my Ex. My kids refer to her as ‘Dad’s wife’ and he moans about her all the time to them.
I got the sweetest revenge in the end as I am very happily married to a wonderful man with a solid step-family unit who all gather together for high days and holidays. We are Step Mum and Step Dad to all 6 of our children.
He observed this all himself at our son’s wedding, which he attended alone, and realised how happy my life is and our children’s too. He confessed to my sister how badly he treated me. I felt vindicated. And yet extremely sad for him.

Urmstongran Fri 06-Sep-19 09:27:55

I don’t at all mean to be flippant here but this old joke just popped into my head ...

A woman doubts her husband’s fidelity. One day he announces he’s going on a mini golfing holiday ‘with his mates. Her suspicions are raised when he asks her to buy him some designer boxer shorts.

On returning from his holiday he complains to his wife ‘you didn’t pack my new shorts!’

‘Oh I did’ she says. ‘I put them in your golf bag ...’

Teetime Fri 06-Sep-19 09:41:36

I do agree that monogamy doesn't come naturally to us all.

optimist Fri 06-Sep-19 09:53:15

I found out about my husbands affair with someone I knew. After much discussion we both went to marriage guidance which was so significant. It enabled us to renegotiate our relationship after our children had grown and left home. We went on to enjoy another 15 years of very good marriage, I then cared for him and he died just after our 50th wedding anniversary. No regrets at all.

BusterTank Fri 06-Sep-19 09:59:22

At the time it broke my heart . I had a 3 month old daughter , been told i have cancer and to top it all my my died suddenly . I tried to make the marriage work for my daughters sake . Then he told me his girlfriend was pregnant that was the last straw . I was so hurt he could do this to me and he daughter . I divorced him and we both remarried . To show a leopard never changed his spots he did exactly the same to his new wife and sons .

Gma29 Fri 06-Sep-19 10:02:09

It’s the lying and deceit. The feeling a fool when you realise a lot of other people already knew, although you did nothing foolish, all you did was trust someone. The betrayal, not only by your partner, but by people you believed were friends who colluded and kept quiet.

I would always want to know, preferably as soon as possible. If they think so little of you that they think this sort of behaviour is ok, then why would you want them in your life.

Monogamy may not be for everyone, but at least have the decency and honesty to end one relationship before embarking on another.

absthame Fri 06-Sep-19 10:02:38

Reading the posts on this thread for most it seems that it is primarily a male issue. However it is not, females are equally as able as males of being unreliable, even surprisingly when children are involved.

One very good reason for people not to have a full genetic analysis is just how often the actual father is not the man who the child who has always been known as Dad

Startingover61 Fri 06-Sep-19 10:04:38

I discovered a few days before our 24th wedding anniversary 6 years ago that my husband had joined an online dating site 'for married people looking for an extramarital affair' and had been seeing a married woman and taking her to a hotel room for a few hours some afternoons while I was at work. He tried to blame me for his actions, but promised he'd change when I told him he'd made a choice and was responsible for his own behaviour. I was prepared to try and make things work. However, he lied to me about ending it with her and, after it did finish, he went on to see other women. We moved after he promised (again!) to change, saying he needed a 'fresh start'. A year after buying a new build in a different region of the UK, he announced he'd met and fallen in love with someone else and was leaving. I filed for divorce, realising (rather late, I know) that he had no intention of changing. He married this woman not long after decree absolute was granted. That was nearly 2 years ago. It's his third marriage - when I met him, he'd been divorced for 2 years. I heard he'd persuaded his latest wife to sell the home she owned outright and buy a new one - with him owning 50% I assume - in yet another new region of the UK. I now have my own home - cash purchase - which I'm enjoying changing to my taste. I don't regret for one minute divorcing him. I'm now free of all the betrayal, lies, cheating and so on. I'm glad I discovered his true colours and that I no longer have any dealings with my ex-husband. We have one life and don't have to spend it being dragged down by someone who thinks nothing of riding roughshod over us just as long as they can have their cake and eat it.

Jillybird Fri 06-Sep-19 10:06:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nipsmum Fri 06-Sep-19 10:11:21

i won't go into details but my husband of 19 years left and it was only after the divorce that i discovered the 12 years of lying and cheating that had gone on,There were various women in different countries that he had had affairs with over the years and he accused me of having an affair with one of his friends to try and justify his doings. I have never had an affair with anyone before or since. I was devastated at the time but realised after thinking about it long and hard, that i was better off without him. There are no regrets and I have 2 great daughters 2 lovely sons in Law and 4 fantastic Grandchildren. He is the one who has missed out in knowing them , not me

Jaxie Fri 06-Sep-19 10:17:01

I stayed married to my cheating husband who gave his girlfriend up. The hypocrisy of the pair: she pretended to be my friend. When I found out I asked her, since she was 17 years younger than he, if she had any idea what he would be like when he was old. I then described his father who was a disgusting shabby old man. She looked shocked, and said," I did wonder what David would be like as an old man." I reported this to my husband. He looked shocked and ended the relationship. I stayed because my own father walked out on my mother and I didn't want my children to be brought up, as I was, in a one- parent family. When I retired I offered him an amicable divorce. He was horrified at the thought of me getting half of our assets. I made him buy me a house on the south coast and we now live apart. We see one another every six weeks or so. I completely lost respect for him and he knows it and is a gloomy s-d. He gives me a good allowance and I boost my spirits by looking after myself in a way he never did. I wonder if he regrets what he did, which damaged our family irrevocably, but he never speaks of anything that matters. This sounds awful, but I kind of despise him as I like to see nobility in people, and he is penny- pinching and a total misery as a companion. Our only friends are the ones I have made. He hadn't even got the guts to visit his oldest school friend who he was very close to because this man had a devastating stroke, and I suspect my 81 year- old husband cannot bear to be reminded of his own mortality. An unprincipled, selfish selfish man. I told him that if HE has a stroke he should ask his erstwhile girlfriend if she would look after him, and wipe his bottom, as his friend's wife has to do for her husband, because since he wanted to dispose of me to live with his mistress I felt no loyalty towards him. He didn't reply. THERE, I've got that off my chest and feel better, as I can hardly express my ongoing hurt & pain to others. They find it too embarrassing. Please don't tell me I should have divorced him. When one of my sons asked me why I didn't I told him that I was determined never to be poor again as I was brought up in abject poverty, which has had a considerable effect on my self esteem.

starchicken Fri 06-Sep-19 10:18:44

I found out after 30 years that my now ex husband was having an affair.

It turned out that this was the latest in a series of then spanning over 20 years.

After the reationship broke down, one of his ex 'girlfriends' got in touch with me with evidence of him on a swingers website with someone other than the affair partner he left me for and subsequently married.

So I would say I'm more than happy to have found out, I just wish it had been sooner.