Husband cheated - are you glad you found out?

I found out 12 years into my marriage, by contracting an sti, that my husband had been unfaithful. It unravelled thsg he’d been having affairs for most of the 12 years. I felt as though my whole marriage was a lie. It was like peeling an onion getting the truth out of him. I’m still not sure I have the whole story. At the time I wished I never found out. We had 3 young children and I was too afraid to go it alone. For the next 9 years I lived in the most horrible untrusting marriage and just couldn’t find the courage to tell him to leave. He was a sexual bully and things were very unpleasant. He eventually left me because I had refused to sleep with him. Now many years on I’m so glad to be rid of him and I am grateful to have found out. My only regret was feeling I was trapped and staying with him afterwards.
I need honesty and respect in my life and won’t settle for anything less now.

I was married to a serial adulterer. I stayed ( no money of my own and 3 kids)
I then fell completely in love and had a 6 month affair. And when my then husband found out, in order to try and salvage my marriage; I gave up a man whom 25 years later I still long for and miss terribly

My husband divorced me because of my affair, moved in before the decree absolute with another ( she would have been wife number 3) and tragically for my children, 5 years later had a heart attack one night in his sleep and died instantly. After the divorce I was homeless with a nurse’s income and a 13 year old still living at home. . However, I secured my first mortgage at 50 and after working myself into the ground, retired at 69, own my house and although I have to live very frugally and alone, I have a good life. ( and no ex to be the spectre at the marriages christenings etc that have taken place)
And yes, dear reader, I wish I had run away with my lover?

Bradfordlass72 You say forcing someone i to an alien cultures is sure to fail. The culture in UK is once you make a promise you keep it. Of course people change as do circumstances. If one party isn't happy then surely they should respect the other and be honest with them. In the tribe you mention who supports all the children. Do all the fathers help to feed and educate their offspring?

As others have said it's the lying that hurts the most. I was naive and young enough to totally trust in my husband. He later went on to do it again with his second wife after delaying our divorce because he didn't want to marry her, so he told me. She wasnt the only one he cheated with. I didn't want to hear from other people/friends? That they knew all along that he was cheating after we had split up. Eventually I was glad he was found out as I had time to rebuild my life, my career and to achieve peace of mind. I lost my trust in people though.

I would want to know and I would forgive and divorce immediately. I’d rather get a dog. Fear of disease and lies ie someone taking away my right to make my life choices would be enough to make me leave. I’m not part of a tribe I live in cities where tbh sexual health isn’t to be taken for granted! Integrity is everything to me and before I married I made it clear I wouldn’t stay 2 minutes. Not for the children ( who suffer either way) . I’m very grateful not to be the offspring of a cheater as I would have zero respect. My husband is a very attractive man and sometimes I think he likes to boost his confidence by having a smiley chat with a pretty girl but he will run a mile if she pays too much attention. In fact recently we met a lovely couple I really liked but he doesn’t want to meet up again because he says the woman made ‘inappropriate gestures’ and he’s uncomfortable. I felt so sorry for her chap. I thank God for my husbands integrity. I know it takes all sorts and that’s life’s tapestry.

My husband had an affair whilst I was pregnant and left when my daughter was six weeks old. It was a long time ago, I had been married for just 3 years and was 23 when he left. I now feel he did me a huge favour, he was an absolute womaniser and got very nasty if any other man showed me any attention. He was also a liar and still lies to my daughter today. I met my second husband within a year and he has brought up my daughter as his own and we have a son. I've now been happily married for 36 years and feel I had a very lucky escape. It wasn't easy at the time though.

Sparklefizz, I never doubted that. Women are wonderful. ??

Yes I was glad that I found out!
I had obstetric problems - 1 stillbirth, 1 miscarriage, before I had my son. During this pregnancy I had to undergo a lot of tests to check the pregnancy was progressing as it should.
I was feeling fat and frumpy, baby was laying with either it's head or bum up in my diaphragm so the walks and things that we had enjoyed became a problem as it was affecting my breathing. Moved house further from my GP, didn't drive so ex had to take me to appointments in his lunch break/end of day .
Boss he worked for insisted he went out for drinks after work / attend business meetings with him. This meant he was getting home at about 1am . I found out that this boss was having an affair with his secretary and had affairs each time his wife was pregnant! As far as he was concerned it was quite ok for my ex to visit massage parlours etc
Final straw was just before my son's first Christmas, ex went out on a "business" Christmas party and didn't come home until lunchtime the next day. He admitted that he had been with another woman- found out later that she was a workmate.
Took me a long long time to deal with it all. The twist in the tail is that ex came out as transgender 5 years ago.

Apricity We are survivors!

I don't think anyone can have a reasoned opinion on this subject unless they have been through it ... as indeed many of us have.

Bravo to all the brave and honest Grans who have responded so openly to the poster's question. It takes real guts to be able to talk about such deeply personal and painful issues. I salute you all. ?

I grew up with a woman who openly cheated with somebody whilst married to the man I thought of as my father. It was highly embarrassing as the whole neighbourhood knew and the pain it caused scarred me emotionally. My biological father had long since abandoned us, his marriage to my Mum had ended so badly with them both cheating that they can't bear to be in the same room 50 odd years later. I grew up not really knowing the boundaries in relationships, what was acceptable, how to work as a teams, etc. Consequently, my first marriage ended after 18 months and second marriage similarly although we had a ten year relationship resulting in 2 children. So desperate was I for the children to have their own father, I stayed even though there was violence and abuse. Fortunately, I met my husband of 23 years as his marriage was crumbling with infidelity on both sides and we'd both been scarred enough by our own actions and actions of our partners that we were able to agree that fidelity and honesty would have to be the bedrock of our relationship. His childhood had given him the skills and knowledge of how to resolve problems, work as a team, etc, and he was very patient with me as I learned the same skills. If I ever found out about any infidelity we'd be blown apart but I like to think that would never happen.

saddest to be the last to know.. my Son found out first saw his dad in a telephone box ( before mobiles remember those times?). ..His Dad had at least 3 affairs I know about (I could go on for hours boring you with it all but I won't) I tried to keep the family together as twins were doing GCSE's.. but in the end after 10 yrs I threw him out- I deserved more and was terrified of being alone as was married at 19 but after over 25 yrs of unhappiness I did it -managed just fine -divorced and met a lovely man - my DH... things are so different with him. EX did eventually apologised and am told he is not very happy in his new relationship and he told DD he had made a mistake but she said too late Dad Mum has moved on and is very happy! Love my DD

Don’t we always know deep down?

Golfing holidays seem to feature a lot in infidelity.
DH's secretary had one that was always going off with the lads to play golf, when she told DH that the next tournament was at a course near us we said we go and watch. Her husband sent a message to say that it was cancelled so not to bother going.
Poor lady never guessed he was a lying scumbag but we did, he is now on his third wife and probably still going on golf weekends.

I’ve never been cheated on but I would want to know so that I could get rid, some of these posts are heartbreaking , I’ve always been surprised when ppl say oh all men will cheat if they get the chance, my answer to that is men n women both equally cheat, men do not cheat with themselves!, To spend your life looking after your husband etc and to suddenly find out it was all built on a lie must be devastating

I'm glad I found out but devastated that it happened - over and over again and I was totally oblivious! I found out three months before our 40th wedding anniversary and all the flings and affairs began just 6 years into the marriage. I would definitely not have wanted to remain ignorant of all this, I feel betrayed, humiliated, used, lied to and also disbelieving. Six months on I'm just beginning divorce proceedings because I haven't been coping well and have been seeing a therapist. I am very scared for my future (as in, I've no idea what it looks like and that doesn't feel exciting as people are suggesting it might), but I know I could never live with this man again. I posted at the time and had many kind replies. That meant a lot to me and I found them so helpful. Later I asked Gransnet to remove the post because my children had found it and I didn't want them to get more upset.

BradfordLass72 Brilliant post. Totally agree with everything you said. Jealousy is a most destructive emotion, but, marriages can and do thrive after infidelity. It can actually make the marriage stronger.

Another good, interesting and measured post from BradfordLass72. Once again, I do wish they'd let us give a thumbs up.

I found out after 30 years that my now ex husband was having an affair.

It turned out that this was the latest in a series of then spanning over 20 years.

After the reationship broke down, one of his ex 'girlfriends' got in touch with me with evidence of him on a swingers website with someone other than the affair partner he left me for and subsequently married.

So I would say I'm more than happy to have found out, I just wish it had been sooner.

I stayed married to my cheating husband who gave his girlfriend up. The hypocrisy of the pair: she pretended to be my friend. When I found out I asked her, since she was 17 years younger than he, if she had any idea what he would be like when he was old. I then described his father who was a disgusting shabby old man. She looked shocked, and said," I did wonder what David would be like as an old man." I reported this to my husband. He looked shocked and ended the relationship. I stayed because my own father walked out on my mother and I didn't want my children to be brought up, as I was, in a one- parent family. When I retired I offered him an amicable divorce. He was horrified at the thought of me getting half of our assets. I made him buy me a house on the south coast and we now live apart. We see one another every six weeks or so. I completely lost respect for him and he knows it and is a gloomy s-d. He gives me a good allowance and I boost my spirits by looking after myself in a way he never did. I wonder if he regrets what he did, which damaged our family irrevocably, but he never speaks of anything that matters. This sounds awful, but I kind of despise him as I like to see nobility in people, and he is penny- pinching and a total misery as a companion. Our only friends are the ones I have made. He hadn't even got the guts to visit his oldest school friend who he was very close to because this man had a devastating stroke, and I suspect my 81 year- old husband cannot bear to be reminded of his own mortality. An unprincipled, selfish selfish man. I told him that if HE has a stroke he should ask his erstwhile girlfriend if she would look after him, and wipe his bottom, as his friend's wife has to do for her husband, because since he wanted to dispose of me to live with his mistress I felt no loyalty towards him. He didn't reply. THERE, I've got that off my chest and feel better, as I can hardly express my ongoing hurt & pain to others. They find it too embarrassing. Please don't tell me I should have divorced him. When one of my sons asked me why I didn't I told him that I was determined never to be poor again as I was brought up in abject poverty, which has had a considerable effect on my self esteem.

i won't go into details but my husband of 19 years left and it was only after the divorce that i discovered the 12 years of lying and cheating that had gone on,There were various women in different countries that he had had affairs with over the years and he accused me of having an affair with one of his friends to try and justify his doings. I have never had an affair with anyone before or since. I was devastated at the time but realised after thinking about it long and hard, that i was better off without him. There are no regrets and I have 2 great daughters 2 lovely sons in Law and 4 fantastic Grandchildren. He is the one who has missed out in knowing them , not me

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I discovered a few days before our 24th wedding anniversary 6 years ago that my husband had joined an online dating site 'for married people looking for an extramarital affair' and had been seeing a married woman and taking her to a hotel room for a few hours some afternoons while I was at work. He tried to blame me for his actions, but promised he'd change when I told him he'd made a choice and was responsible for his own behaviour. I was prepared to try and make things work. However, he lied to me about ending it with her and, after it did finish, he went on to see other women. We moved after he promised (again!) to change, saying he needed a 'fresh start'. A year after buying a new build in a different region of the UK, he announced he'd met and fallen in love with someone else and was leaving. I filed for divorce, realising (rather late, I know) that he had no intention of changing. He married this woman not long after decree absolute was granted. That was nearly 2 years ago. It's his third marriage - when I met him, he'd been divorced for 2 years. I heard he'd persuaded his latest wife to sell the home she owned outright and buy a new one - with him owning 50% I assume - in yet another new region of the UK. I now have my own home - cash purchase - which I'm enjoying changing to my taste. I don't regret for one minute divorcing him. I'm now free of all the betrayal, lies, cheating and so on. I'm glad I discovered his true colours and that I no longer have any dealings with my ex-husband. We have one life and don't have to spend it being dragged down by someone who thinks nothing of riding roughshod over us just as long as they can have their cake and eat it.

Reading the posts on this thread for most it seems that it is primarily a male issue. However it is not, females are equally as able as males of being unreliable, even surprisingly when children are involved.

One very good reason for people not to have a full genetic analysis is just how often the actual father is not the man who the child who has always been known as Dad