65 with a cheating husband

Yes MawB it was me... Still on my own but much happier.

Withany - welcome back!
Wasn’t it you whose husband went off with somebody he met through a website connected to his hobby?
That was a few years ago - some of us wondered what had happened to you.

Hi Bishy, this happened to me 6 years ago I was 62, I found out by accident I thought we were happy after 45 years of marriage you think you know your partner.
Mine cleared the savings account and went to USA to meet his 'lady' leaving me with £487 and suffering with pneumonia... I was devastated and joined gransnet for support, they were brilliant.
Now down to business, my husband filed for divorce and 50% of our home, I saw a solicitor, because my husband had physically hurt me the night he left, I qualified for Legal Aid. I don't know how much it will cost I guess about £1000.
I spoke to Department of works and pensions and found I qualified for Pension credit, which I still receive. I am now 68 still living in original home which I had to use (with his consent) to raise a lifetime mortgage giving me the equity to buy husband out. He finally got 32% not the 50% he thought he would get. I am not really happy about it but it got rid of him and left me in my home.
So as everyone has said get legal advice asap. Also tell your children, tell them the full story your husband can give his version if asked.
I know the feeling of rejection, and the fear of starting again, the not knowing how you will cope...but arm yourself with as much information as you can, you can ask solicitor about getting your husband to pay your costs.
You do not deserve to be treated like this, you are worth so much more.

Bishy

Think carefully about all your options.

Divorce
Take legal advice sell your property and move on.
Your family and fiends would have to be told and you would be making a new life for yourself and all that en tales.

Trying again for a meaningful relationship. Could you trust a man again who as had numerous relationships and who may at the drop of a hat with no consideration for you do the same thing again.

Living in one property but having separate lives. You would have a half share in all expenditure and lead a life outside of your marriage. You could both have relationships, could you cope with this?

Would you have the funds to buy out your husband share of your property?

44 years of marriage and the years before are a lifetime of knowing one person. This is heartbreaking to the extreme but you are the only one who can decide what is next.

I know what I would do having lived with my husband for 50 years.

I do wish you all the very best in whatever you decide.

Well, if he were my husband I would be engaging a good divorce lawyer, as I made it clear from the start that I would not tolerate infidelity.

You obviously see things differently.

I don't understand at all why you would want to stay married to him, especially as you say you will be all right financially on your own.

Having had some similar but different experience I would counsel getting all the information you can on finances and legal options as has been described so you have a firm foundation of understanding on which to move forward
I wouldn’t involve anyone else although it’s hard until you decide your plans
Allow yourself plenty of quiet time to do this maybe even take a break away
Sometimes there are financial or other reasons to stay together even if to others it may not seem the right thing so long as you are living your own life to the max
It’s hard for us sometimes to consider our own needs first but that is what he has done and you are entitled to choose your way forward
Good luck with it

I would get together all the financial stuff you needed, documents etc. Also tell your AC and then move on and make a life for yourself without him. Why have a life that involves searching for evidence of an affair, putting up with his lies etc.. Life is far to short.

Love him or not,this is 3 times he has been unfaithful to you. 3 years is hardly a fling is it. He should tell your children as he is the one ripping it apart,let him take the flak. Also speak to a solicitor regarding your rights etc, I'm 99.9% sure half of everything is yours by law,including any future pensions. You poor lady he has treated you abysmally, I could never forgive infidelity myself. I'm of a mind I'd they do it once they'll do it again. Most solicitors give a free 30 minute consultation. Good luck.

Do you love him bishy ?

Do you respect him?

Do you trust him not to put you through this misery again?

Unless you can answer yes to those questions, my advice is to end the marriage.

Do you want to divorce him? Take some time, gather evidence and information on finances etc. Take legal advice and possible get some counselling perhaps from Relate then decide what you want. Having him tell your children so he loses the same as you may not have that effect at all. Depending on your finances if you split it may mean the house being sold and moving somewhere smaller are you prepared for that. Take time to work out what you would like and what you need.

I always thought if my then husband cheated that would be the end but when he did with two small children, our life, our home everything we had built I fought for my marriage but we divorced. Until you are in the situation you don’t know how you will act. Good luck x

I think you should not disclose to anyone close to you that you want him to suffer. It will not endear you to people and makes you sound vindictive. I'm sure most of us would feel a bit vindictive but don't speak it!

Personally I would do as others have said and see a solicitor for at least a free session. Most of them will give you half an hour. Then, if I wanted a split (of any sort) I would ask him to move out. He can presumably go to the "other woman".

Also, if he has done this twice before, it could be that he has had several affairs that you haven't discovered. It is unlikely to stop all together I feel.

So, can you live like this for 20 or 30 more years? If you know that you can, fair enough. If not, now is a better time to make life changes than at, say, 80.

As for telling the children... I don't know how old they are, or where they live, or their family situation, but in any case I would suggest you wait till you have a genuine plan as to how to move forward. Then you can say "I know this will be a shock to you but I feel I need a bit of support because "x" and I are splitting up/trying to make a new start/getting divorced (or whatever) and I'm feeling a bit lost/isolated/vulnerable".
This way you can tell them in a matter of fact way as much as possible, ask for support but be clear as to the way forward. You can tell them afterwards about the way it's made you feel but initially try to be solution focussed. It will be hard for them to process... unless they already suspect?

Whatever you decide, good luck. But clearly something must change or you will become ill.

Thinking of you.

As others have suggested, I'd get copies made of all financial information, savings accounts, pensions, shares etc before going public. I'd also talk to a solicitor for at least half hours advice. Once husband knows you are serious he may hide documents/savings etc.

I personally think you should then start telling people if you are certain the relationship is over. It will bring it into the open and you can start making plans.

I would be careful what you say to your children. I'd try not to blame him too much when talking to them. He is their Dad, whatever happens with you two. Once you start taking action I hope you will feel more positive and hopeful for your future.

Bishy. You can reply to posts just as you have been, which anyone can see. There is also the option for sending and/or receiving a private message. Go to the name of the person you want to message, and on that heading over to the right hand side, you can press private message. At the very top of the page is the Inbox, where you can see any private messages sent to you.

Don't feel guilty about doing your detective work. It's something you have to do, to get the truth since men rarely "come clean". I found out that he had a post office box, where the OW had been sending mail to him. I stole his key ring, got the PO box key duplicated , and regularly stole his mail to read at my leisure, then resealed and reposted it. And I don't feel the slightest bit guilty, since it told me what I needed to know. Good luck to you - many of us have been where you are.

Sorry this is my first time using gransnet and I'm not sure how replying to posts work! Firstly thank you all so much for giving me your perspectives. Many of them I'd already thought of, some I hadn't. I have taken my time so far, three months. Nothing outwardly has changed, so family are unaware of my turmoil, which is why I now feel need to go public as it were, because it is pulling me down. I can't allow the normality that has descended on our relationship to become entrenched. Time to shake him up before he thinks he's got away with it again. Time for him to accept responsibility and live life without deceit and lies, whichever direction we go in. Thank you all so much for your support and sharing with me x

I would not want to be with anyone who described his infidelity as "only shagging" - it is evidence of a contempt for women that would rule him out as a partner in my book.

I really think you would be better off without him. You would be able to hold your head up and take a pride in yourself as a free woman.

You say “loveless marriage”? Is it mutual or do you still love him?

Agree with others - don’t do anything rash.

I would try to talk to him in as non confrontational way as possible without too much emotion and accusations (not easy I know)

Throw the ball back in his court. Ask him what he wants to do?

Tell him he can go if he wants but you are staying put. That you will seek solicitors advice on how to split assets.

This will be difficult if you really don’t want him to go but the fact you are taking control may shock him. Crying and pleading will not help you in any way. Stay strong.

As you have “forgiven” him previously he will think you will do so again. Tell him you won’t! Make everything from now on on your terms and your wishes.

If he can’t or won’t agree then show HIM the door.

It will be hard if it’s not what you want but you will survive and I wouldn’t tell your children anything at moment. IF you decide to make another go, it could turn awkward with them putting their oar in so to speak.

Good luck. Just don’t be the one to lose out.

So,so true, thank you

You say you have endured three years in a cold, loveless marriage as he pushed me away. Many tears were shed.

Now it is out in the open between you, would you want to stay with him if he promised it was all over and he still loves you? Would you ever really trust him again. The answer must be no in view of his past history.

You don't like how you have been driven to behave. He did that to you. Things need to change now. One option is to agree to stay with him as a marriage of convenience and live your own life. You would have to make a social life of your own and not be dependant on him apart from shared finances. It would be like living with a lodger, no love or closeness, and upset when you know he is with someone else.

Or you could cut your losses and split now. If finances are OK you would probably be happier in yourself. Do you have many friends and a good social life, if you did decide to go it alone?

He'd have been out on his ear after his first fling because it's guaranteed they'll do it again, some men can't help themselves.
An ultimatum is long overdue but I'd strike while the iron's hot. Stand firm, he's taking the p* because you've never bothered. He'd only do it once with me.

'I want the grounds levelled so he loses the same;'
I most certainly would not tell the adult children, unless they notice things are bad and ask questions, then tell them the truth. Leave it to them to react; their reactions can be surprising.
They are presumably not living at home, would have to take sides and it would resolve nothing, just spread the bitterness.

Decide what you want to do, which may well be to stay as you are; three of my contemporaries have been deserted recently, in their late sixties and it is not an easy situation. The men have moved into new relationships so they don't have the loneliness and financial insecurity.
Consider long and hard before you make a move and make sure it suits you; he doesn't seem to want to leave so you may have some leverage over him. Don't try and punish him via your children.

Grannyknot I am too!

I presume he is in his mid-sixties? Some men never give up, do they!?

As this is his third affair, I'd almost be tempted (if I were you), to divorce him but not leave my house, i.o.w leave the option for both of you to continue to live in separate parts of the house, open. And I'd ignore him completely get on with my life. That way if he wants to rebuild the relationship with you it would be up to him to persuade you and win you over. I'm actually angry on your behalf!

You’re not your

Just like to add, don’t feel badly about the things you have had to do to find out the truth.
Your just reacting in a totally logical way towards the treatment husband forced on you.
Anyway all’s fair in love and war!