65 with a cheating husband

Why should you lose the comfort of a home you have built up.
He is the guilty one and he should leave .
I am so sorry for you and I wish you well , I can offer no solution though.

Try not to do anything hasty bishy, would be my advice. Although I’ve not gone through this myself I have seen it happen to a couple of friends within the last 10 years.

Also, don’t do what some might say, get rid of him, you’re better off on your own, etc. Only you know what you can tolerate in a marriage, we’re all different and you’re the one that has to live with what you eventually choose.

I agree, don't rush into anything.

Think it all through carefully, pros and cons, and take your time deciding what is best for you.

I hope you find contentment.

I'm so sorry, I agree don't rush things, gather as much evidence and find out your financial state, copy relevant documents, then speak to a Solicitor before telling anybody anything. You will then be able to make up your mind what to do. I don't think you are a scheming person you have to look after your own interests and it is only sensible to do what you are doing.

Very difficult as I really don't know much background here. Personally, when I am in doubt about something I sit down and on a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle and put on either side pros or cons for a situation. Then have a good think. The one thing that struck me is you dont seem to like who you have become. I think as well you need to ask yourself if this is a situation you can live in for the rest of your days? Is this fling serious? Is there any chance you could go away a wee weekend break or something and just really have a think about what you are getting from this marriage.

The first thing I would do is tell my adult children! How can you keep that secret from them?

Yes the AC should know but after 3 years of the affair I don't think another week or so delving around will make much difference. Have I got it right bishy that you want your OH to tell the children, I would do it myself I think, he will give them a different version of events I would imagine. You may then find the AC act differently to what you are hoping. How do you think you can rebuild?

Personally, I couldn’t stand it, it would definitely be the end of my marriage, I wouldn’t involve my children too much though, it would be between me and him.

I do know people who have decided that they can live with it, and do. But I think they’re always making a massive compromise, I know one couple who twenty years after almost separating, seem very happy, but I’m not sure you can forgive and forget that easily

I think, it would be best to get your act together and decide what you want to do and make sure you ave any documentation you would need before you talk to your children.

Their reactions can sometimes be totall different to those you expect and trying to deal with adult children who may be angry with him - with you(!), distressed, cut contact (if only temporally), be overwhelmed with caring for you , which might be too much for you at the same time as trying to think through how you are going to cope with it may be too much and better addressed one at a time.

I have a friend, a close friend who was told about her H cheating by the other woman, another good friend of ours.
She didn’t tell any of us for ages and still socialised with her until it came out.
My friend was not prepared to give up her very comfortable life and they stayed together.
This is all over 25 years ago and they seem more than ok.
I couldn’t/ wouldn’t have done it but we are all different.

If you don’t end the marriage now, 10 years down the line you will be wishing you’d opted for a less comfortable home and emotional peace , instead of a loveless marriage in a big house!

I think in any marriage stuff happens that outsiders could say ‘Well I wouldn’t tolerate that!’, whatever it is i.e. gambling, fecklessness, abuse of any kind, stinginess, selfishness etc

However each of us has a straw that would break the camel’s back and knowing what that is must help to make the decision to separate/divorce. Someone else’s straw won’t.

Are bricks and motar more important than peace of mind and your own self enjoyment I don't think so.
I would tell my ACs myself and let them make their own decissions on the matter.
Get all your details regarding finances in order and contact a solicitor,you have many years left for your enjoyment either by selling the house and splitting the proceeds or putting up with the chance that this will happen again which I'm sure it will.
If it where me he would be down the Road with his suitcase it sounds harsh but your life is too important to be worrying about when he will do it again.

I think that as this is your husband's third affair bishy I would be calling time on this marriage. You are clearly very unhappy and angry, you deserve better than this.
Tell your adult children what has been happening without being too vindictive although you are entitled to feel that way. Sort out your finances and get things straight in your head before telling the family. As Atqui said better to be happy in a smaller home than miserable where you are.
I moved out of the marital home and my small Victorian terrace house became my haven and my place to be happy and peaceful on my own. Good luck.

Bishy, if you can tolerate having a permanent adolescent for your husband you should consider keeping him on as divorce is always a financial loss. Men often place a high value on their sexual activity especially when their powers are beginning to fail.

Whether or not you can tolerate his silliness you should get legal advice about your financial future if you do decide to divorce. You need to look after yourself now.

three affairs in total? sorry he'd be gone, there's no reason for him to change if you keep on forgiving him

As for becoming a person that you don't like, well who has driven you to act like this?

Bushy...I’m so sorry you’re in this position.
I ageee with M0nica’s post with regards to the children’s reactions.
You see it clearly in black and white.
They will have different perspectives and be emotionally pulled in all kinds of directions.
Some of which you will not have thought of.
They might blame you for telling them (shooting the messenger). Or feel the only way to cope is keep a low profile, which would leave you feeling unsupported.
Just take things slowly for now!
Good luck ?

Just like to add, don’t feel badly about the things you have had to do to find out the truth.
Your just reacting in a totally logical way towards the treatment husband forced on you.
Anyway all’s fair in love and war!

You’re not your

I presume he is in his mid-sixties? Some men never give up, do they!?

As this is his third affair, I'd almost be tempted (if I were you), to divorce him but not leave my house, i.o.w leave the option for both of you to continue to live in separate parts of the house, open. And I'd ignore him completely get on with my life. That way if he wants to rebuild the relationship with you it would be up to him to persuade you and win you over. I'm actually angry on your behalf!

Grannyknot I am too!

'I want the grounds levelled so he loses the same;'
I most certainly would not tell the adult children, unless they notice things are bad and ask questions, then tell them the truth. Leave it to them to react; their reactions can be surprising.
They are presumably not living at home, would have to take sides and it would resolve nothing, just spread the bitterness.

Decide what you want to do, which may well be to stay as you are; three of my contemporaries have been deserted recently, in their late sixties and it is not an easy situation. The men have moved into new relationships so they don't have the loneliness and financial insecurity.
Consider long and hard before you make a move and make sure it suits you; he doesn't seem to want to leave so you may have some leverage over him. Don't try and punish him via your children.

He'd have been out on his ear after his first fling because it's guaranteed they'll do it again, some men can't help themselves.
An ultimatum is long overdue but I'd strike while the iron's hot. Stand firm, he's taking the p* because you've never bothered. He'd only do it once with me.

You say you have endured three years in a cold, loveless marriage as he pushed me away. Many tears were shed.

Now it is out in the open between you, would you want to stay with him if he promised it was all over and he still loves you? Would you ever really trust him again. The answer must be no in view of his past history.

You don't like how you have been driven to behave. He did that to you. Things need to change now. One option is to agree to stay with him as a marriage of convenience and live your own life. You would have to make a social life of your own and not be dependant on him apart from shared finances. It would be like living with a lodger, no love or closeness, and upset when you know he is with someone else.

Or you could cut your losses and split now. If finances are OK you would probably be happier in yourself. Do you have many friends and a good social life, if you did decide to go it alone?