I'm at my wits end

My hubbys room is also very cluttered and untidy but I just ignore it. Its up to him how he lives and he is just generally an untidy person. After 52 years I realised a long time ago I can't change him so I just concentrate on all his good points and ignore the rest. After all who is to say that you are right and he is wrong its just how we are.

It is a mental issue - I've watched many of those TV declutter programmes and it's only recently the mental issue has been addressed. All too often it's a few shots of the house looking like crap and the do-overs after shovels of crud and the like have been removed. The mental aspect is so very much harder to deal with.

I'd also suggest an off-site storage place with a table and chair and scoot him off there for a few hours every day to indulge!

My lovely neighbour used to pop around on a Saturday morning when her husband was at synagogue with various odds and sods for my rubbish bin, because she knew he'd double check their own bin for "stuff". We'd put those bits at the bottom with my rubbish on top so he'd never find it, even if he did (and he did!) look at what I was throwing away. She died 2 years ago - he's now 93 and has papers everywhere!

When my husband died I found all sorts of stuff that he’d stored over the years, including a massive box of ancient keys. I asked all his family members if any of them were theirs and they were mystified. When he was alive I used to do an annual sort out of unnecessary stuff but he just kept adding boxes. After he died I made sure that there was nothing of his left and had a really hard go at sorting my stuff. I didn’t want a mess of stuff left for the family to sort out after I’ve gone.

Could you put it to him that it isn’t fair to you or to your family to leave all this outdated rubbish for the family to dispose of?

I am a sentimental old fool, and find it comforting to hold on to things. A couple of years ago, I went to the garage and photographed letters, postcards, magazine and newspaper articles, bric-a-brac, old shoes, clothes etc, all of which I'd been keeping for sentimental reasons. Later that day, I'd upload the images onto the pc, labelling each one.
It took months but, eventually, the empty space grew as I got rid of my stuff.

Is this something you and OH can do?

He doesn't want to let things go, does he? To a certain extent I can understand it as I am a keeper rather than a chucker and it's difficult to change the habit of a lifetime.

I do sympathise. Apart from telling him how you feel and explaining how illogical it is to hang on to old receipts I doubt there's much else you can do, except explode with rage. And maybe throw the odd box at him.

Maybe suggest he has the garage for his rubbish...and it stays out of the house...or tell him you refuse to live in a rubbish tip and you will need to buy a house each.

Having had a mega sort out 5yrs ago I can still remember how it felt. It has to be done by both parties or it can lead to feelings of resentment. I found it helpful to do paperwork as a team. E.g. with 'his' stuff you're acknowledging it has value to him so he goes through it and passes to you for shredding or address removal prior to recycling. Its amazing how it helps. If lots of paperstuff is kept it will encourage mice, silverfish etc. He may refuse to keep it in a shed! Why pay to remove it to a new home when the time is now to tackle it.its probably a daunting prospect for him to begin but promises to sort it after we move will not be kept. So attack it together with him as the captain. The food receipts need to go, no legal/useful point in keeping. If he wants to see expenditure set him up with a spreadsheet on the computer. Your children will not thank him for leaving such an onerous task after he goes. Set some rules now, together, re paperwork that needs to be kept. Keeping in mind any legal ramifications for future proofing your retirement. My hubby had some hypnotherapy sessions to help him stop smoking & he was astounded how much it helped & how 'normal' it all was. Perhaps it could be beneficial for your hubby, its not "weird" or invasive. He may find it useful to offload to a stranger.

I've had this problem too, but did manage to downsize. Unfortunately the new place had a loft & a garage which he has simply refilled with a mixture of old & new rubbish, as a number of others predicted here. I asked a friend who managed it better & recommended a storage unit. Her OH put all his stuff in there. It was expensive, but after a year with no visits she simply emptied it! I don't know I'd be able to be so ruthless, but health issues made it unlikely he would ever check and she didn't tell him. Everyone's situation is different, I am battling to get our garaged cleared & my OH can't get into our loft any more, so I have just told my daughter to throw everything there out when she inherits & I never look at it. The flat itself is reasonably clear now and I keep all my own things neatly in the spare bedroom & OH is forbidden to even go in there! I can sit there in uncluttered, calm surroundings to read or craft or make private phone calls to friends whenever I need to. Good luck to you - I understand what a stressful battle you have with a move xx

My husband is similar (why is it always men?)
When we downsized 2 years ago he did manage to get rid of/sell a lot of his stuff.
But the small house we bought has lots of roof storage space and that is gradually being filled up. And he's managed to squeeze 3 sheds into the back yard. Plus a large storage box. For his tools.
I don't think you'll win, so try to find a small house with attics or a small annexe, he can stuff it all in there.

On a lighter note.
I've just told OH about this thread.
He said: ^ I'm probably the only thing you've had for more than 10 years^ ?
As you can tell I abhor hoarding.

Storage is hugely expensive - great idea EllieB - will keep him busy too!

ok .you need some filing folders here ,and some storage boxes.tell him he can keep everything BUT it has to go into boxes. if he refuses .bin the lot....so he has a choice .tidy them away in boxes or you will bin the lot. .good luck.....

I think most estate agents accept that there'll be a junk room. Most people who view also accept that. When we bought our second house, we viewed it and as we passed the cupboard under the stairs I put my hand on the latch and commented, "Ooh! A cupboard under the stairs!" With a look of total panic, the vendor squealed, "Don't open it!" We just laughed and moved on and it didn't stop us buying that house.

It might be that, with the stress and anxiety of a move ahead, now is not a good time to ask him to declutter as I would guess you are both feeling a bit apprehensive about you impending house sale and move. Perhaps put all of it in storage close to your new home so that, when you’ve moved, he can go through the boxes one at a time and only store things you have both agreed are necessary to have in your smaller home. A bit of a staging post solution I know, but a step at a time approach might work...

I am in a similar position. My husband is definitely a hoarder and it is a mental illness. I do sneak things out when l can but at the moment he has made a start on his office. I insist on the downstairs being nice but l hate the state of the upstairs. It's a continuous exhausting process. I have joined a Facebook group called friends and family of hoarders support group and it's nice to know I'm not on my own.

I agree with those who say that this is a mental health problem, and wont go away with persuasion or drastic measures. I don;t know where you live but hopefully there will be some provision of help for what is an anxiety disorder, Consult you GP and also go online and look for support for those with OCD near you. There may be some support groups,not only for him but you too.
PS I admit to not reading a lot of the posts so apologies if I'm repeating what has already been said a lot!

Feel for you. I hope you can get it sorted.
My question is does he ever look at this stuff? Are you able to discretely lose a few boxes, every now and then before the move,leaving enough for him not to be suspicious but leaving enough for him to do his own decluttering ?

How much room will you have in your new home? Is it feasible to do as some have suggested and pack your husband's collection, for want of a better word, into boxes and take them all with you?

Secondly, does he really, seriously want to keep all these things, or is he just incapable of dealing with them?

If he does want it all, you have to decide whether to accept this and deal with it in some practical way. In the long term, a storage facility will be an expensive solution, but it might work for a limited time, until your current house is viewed and sold and you have moved into your new property. Once in it, you need to decide, whether you can afford to go on paying for storage, or will have to find space for it at home.

If he realises that the time has come to get rid of some of it, but cannot face actually sorting through it, then, you are going to have to do it.

In your place I would go through stuff on my own, and sort into categories a) things with sentimental value that are to be kept, b) receipted bills, income tax returns and other documents that are less than five years old - anything else in this category can safely be burnt, c) anything that has not been used for the past ten years (it will be a hard battle to persuade him to part with these, but if they have no sentimental value, out they go! d) junk - out it goes.

Only you can decide whether you feel it is all right to dispose of any of all this without consulting your husband. I wouldn't, because I would be absolutely furious if he did the same with things I cherish, but it is up to you.

Ask him who will treasure these things when you and he are no longer in the land of the living? You might just persuade him to pass some of it on to someone who does want it NOW.

Point out kindly that there is no point in keeping out of date bills, guarantees etc.

Good luck!

I kept asking if my husband really needed some of the stuff he had kept. When I actually brought down some of his treasures from the loft (not seen for 20 years) and put them on his chair he agreed that they were not even worth the trouble of sorting and took them to the tip. Once I had started the process he was quite amenable - it was the first step that was hard.

I think renting some storage space would be a grand idea. A win win. He has a special safe place for his stuff, you don't have to live with it every day...

Asking him won't work. You either have to just do it without his permission or have to accommodate all the clutter. How often does he actually refer to all the papers, receipts etc. Would he compromise and keep say, only 5 years worth. Or a storage unit and hopefully he will forget what is a actually in there and it can all be thrown out in a year's time.

There IS only one way to de-clutter when you have somebody like this in your life...and that’s by force . My husband is not quite as bad as yours ...but...his thing is magazines... he will not throw them away . I had 40 years of mags in our loft and gradually I have been throwing them in the recycling bin when he’s not looking . He can no longer get into the loft so I consider I’m doing him no damage. He hasn’t been in there for 12 years.... and also the mags he keeps in his bedroom....when a new one takes up residence 1 or 2 get thrown away. He really doesn’t seem to notice that the piles never get bigger. Sorted. Be tough...don’t show or give him receipts for groceries... after checking the items off...just bin it. I’ve realised that a lot of men get like this as they get older...it cannot be tolerated . I’ve just taken control of mine at last and I’m sorry, but as I do ALL the work in and outside of house including garden and decorating ...what I say ..goes!! I must stress the magazines I’m talking about are all to do with Railways!!

There is a truth in the saying 'out of sight, out of mind'. If you can go through stuff, label and seal it then store it initially in the house - but then demote it....to the garage....to the shed....to the tip. Its what we did with an elderly relative. However, this scenario is different - you only have to watch the episode of Big Bang Theory when Sheldon shows Amy his storage unit to appreciate the agony that his OCD causes him.....but at least he has put it into storage. Perhaps storing stuff (to ready the house for viewing and selling could be a helpful half way strategy.

I absolutely empathise. I experience a similar set of behaviours from my DH. When we sold our house two years ago I managed to persuade him that paying a removal firm to move his rubbish was pretty stupid and a waste of money. Whilst he did hang onto some ‘stuff’ he managed to clear most of it and the move was successful. The bad news? He’s started again!

My sister was a healthy 55 year old when her husband died.
She has spent the last 24 years, yes 24 years, sorting his belongings and keeping them in storage units until suitable homes can be found for what most people would regard as rubbish. She is now unfit and unable to enjoy anything much. My advice all those years ago was to forget the sorting, do all the things she loved and sort when eventually she became housebound. What a miserable life. I do think there is some degree of mental illness in there as with your husband Lincolnimp. My younger sister is hardly any better. My husband says I must have been adopted as luckily I'm nothing like them. Good luck. Rent a storage unit and throw away the key.