I'm at my wits end

I think most estate agents accept that there'll be a junk room. Most people who view also accept that. When we bought our second house, we viewed it and as we passed the cupboard under the stairs I put my hand on the latch and commented, "Ooh! A cupboard under the stairs!" With a look of total panic, the vendor squealed, "Don't open it!" We just laughed and moved on and it didn't stop us buying that house.

ok .you need some filing folders here ,and some storage boxes.tell him he can keep everything BUT it has to go into boxes. if he refuses .bin the lot....so he has a choice .tidy them away in boxes or you will bin the lot. .good luck.....

Storage is hugely expensive - great idea EllieB - will keep him busy too!

On a lighter note.
I've just told OH about this thread.
He said: ^ I'm probably the only thing you've had for more than 10 years^ ?
As you can tell I abhor hoarding.

My husband is similar (why is it always men?)
When we downsized 2 years ago he did manage to get rid of/sell a lot of his stuff.
But the small house we bought has lots of roof storage space and that is gradually being filled up. And he's managed to squeeze 3 sheds into the back yard. Plus a large storage box. For his tools.
I don't think you'll win, so try to find a small house with attics or a small annexe, he can stuff it all in there.

I've had this problem too, but did manage to downsize. Unfortunately the new place had a loft & a garage which he has simply refilled with a mixture of old & new rubbish, as a number of others predicted here. I asked a friend who managed it better & recommended a storage unit. Her OH put all his stuff in there. It was expensive, but after a year with no visits she simply emptied it! I don't know I'd be able to be so ruthless, but health issues made it unlikely he would ever check and she didn't tell him. Everyone's situation is different, I am battling to get our garaged cleared & my OH can't get into our loft any more, so I have just told my daughter to throw everything there out when she inherits & I never look at it. The flat itself is reasonably clear now and I keep all my own things neatly in the spare bedroom & OH is forbidden to even go in there! I can sit there in uncluttered, calm surroundings to read or craft or make private phone calls to friends whenever I need to. Good luck to you - I understand what a stressful battle you have with a move xx

Having had a mega sort out 5yrs ago I can still remember how it felt. It has to be done by both parties or it can lead to feelings of resentment. I found it helpful to do paperwork as a team. E.g. with 'his' stuff you're acknowledging it has value to him so he goes through it and passes to you for shredding or address removal prior to recycling. Its amazing how it helps. If lots of paperstuff is kept it will encourage mice, silverfish etc. He may refuse to keep it in a shed! Why pay to remove it to a new home when the time is now to tackle it.its probably a daunting prospect for him to begin but promises to sort it after we move will not be kept. So attack it together with him as the captain. The food receipts need to go, no legal/useful point in keeping. If he wants to see expenditure set him up with a spreadsheet on the computer. Your children will not thank him for leaving such an onerous task after he goes. Set some rules now, together, re paperwork that needs to be kept. Keeping in mind any legal ramifications for future proofing your retirement. My hubby had some hypnotherapy sessions to help him stop smoking & he was astounded how much it helped & how 'normal' it all was. Perhaps it could be beneficial for your hubby, its not "weird" or invasive. He may find it useful to offload to a stranger.

Maybe suggest he has the garage for his rubbish...and it stays out of the house...or tell him you refuse to live in a rubbish tip and you will need to buy a house each.

He doesn't want to let things go, does he? To a certain extent I can understand it as I am a keeper rather than a chucker and it's difficult to change the habit of a lifetime.

I do sympathise. Apart from telling him how you feel and explaining how illogical it is to hang on to old receipts I doubt there's much else you can do, except explode with rage. And maybe throw the odd box at him.

I am a sentimental old fool, and find it comforting to hold on to things. A couple of years ago, I went to the garage and photographed letters, postcards, magazine and newspaper articles, bric-a-brac, old shoes, clothes etc, all of which I'd been keeping for sentimental reasons. Later that day, I'd upload the images onto the pc, labelling each one.
It took months but, eventually, the empty space grew as I got rid of my stuff.

Is this something you and OH can do?

When my husband died I found all sorts of stuff that he’d stored over the years, including a massive box of ancient keys. I asked all his family members if any of them were theirs and they were mystified. When he was alive I used to do an annual sort out of unnecessary stuff but he just kept adding boxes. After he died I made sure that there was nothing of his left and had a really hard go at sorting my stuff. I didn’t want a mess of stuff left for the family to sort out after I’ve gone.

Could you put it to him that it isn’t fair to you or to your family to leave all this outdated rubbish for the family to dispose of?

It is a mental issue - I've watched many of those TV declutter programmes and it's only recently the mental issue has been addressed. All too often it's a few shots of the house looking like crap and the do-overs after shovels of crud and the like have been removed. The mental aspect is so very much harder to deal with.

I'd also suggest an off-site storage place with a table and chair and scoot him off there for a few hours every day to indulge!

My lovely neighbour used to pop around on a Saturday morning when her husband was at synagogue with various odds and sods for my rubbish bin, because she knew he'd double check their own bin for "stuff". We'd put those bits at the bottom with my rubbish on top so he'd never find it, even if he did (and he did!) look at what I was throwing away. She died 2 years ago - he's now 93 and has papers everywhere!

My hubbys room is also very cluttered and untidy but I just ignore it. Its up to him how he lives and he is just generally an untidy person. After 52 years I realised a long time ago I can't change him so I just concentrate on all his good points and ignore the rest. After all who is to say that you are right and he is wrong its just how we are.

It would take a long time (maybe there are companies that do it) but could you start scanning or photographing (on your phone)receipts etc which could then be stored on a tiny flash drive? That way he keeps his “paperwork” albeit in a different format and you get your space back.

I have a strategy which I started 21 years ago - I move my husbands junk to the cupboard under our stairs and if he hasn’t missed it within 6 months then I get rid. Only once or twice has he looked for things after I’ve disposed of them - deny deny deny!
Just go in and get rid of whatever you can whenever you can because he IS hoarding and it’s ridiculous to live amongst old shopping receipts when you don’t have room.
Have you asked him in what way the receipts of long-since eaten foods may be of use?

Storage facility sounds the best bet - especially if you tell him it’s an “archive” (which it is, sort of....)

Sneaky Quizzer but effective! Good one.

I think a storage facility is a great idea if he will agree.
My neighbour is still trying to clear her house - her DH was the same as yours & when he died in January left 2 rooms & a double garage full to the ceilings with junk.
I will have a garage & a study to deal with if DH goes first! As he is a good bit younger than me it may fall to my sons!!

I agree with BradfordLass. A good shed will be necessary at your new home!

I think the separate storage idea is a good one, but if you are planning to downsize, you will still have the junk - even if it isn't in the house, and he'll just start a new collection!
I don't know if it is mainly a certain generation of people that hoard things - or just a follow on from his parents and he doesn't understand things can be different.
My own dad used to keep nuts and bolts, screws, wire etc - all things he brought home from his work - left overs from particular jobs that "might come in handy" as well as string etc. He was one of ten and also of a generation where things were not thrown away but kept to be re used.
However keeping shopping receiptsis a bit extreme and I think you need to give him a deadline - beyond which, you will be either having a bonfire or will be binning everything, and stick to it! When you move, buy some plastic storage boxes that are kept in one room. Anything over 12 months old, goes out !

I had the same problem. I got round it by secretly removing a small amount of his 'important stuff' at a time. He never noticed, and will never know unless he reads this .

I think you would be wise to plan for separate storage at your new home: garage. shed or off-site rented unit.

At his age, it would be cruel to force him to give up saving these things, which are obviously comforting to him.

And you can't trash them either, that would hurt him.
In fact, I think it will hurt him if he ever gets round to downsizing. It is an addiction after all.

Once you have looked into some sort of storge where only his things go, you'll begin to feel much easier about your new place, which of course, will eventually have new boxes and files..... <sigh>

Maybe, when this happens, he'll agree to taking the full ones to the storage.

Thank you for all of your messages.
I do think that he has a problem, though his parents were just the same. When we emptied their house we found a large drawer full of Readers Digest offers, all neatly stored in order going back years.
They also hid money all over the place, meaning that we had to go through every single envelope, box etc. We even fund a £10 note between the outer and inner packaging of an open box of bath salts in the bathroom.
OH doesn't do that

We have had a chat this evening---or rather I have told him of my fear of moving and being surrounded by his stuff. I am talking here of not only all the paperwork I have found stashed in the loft and in numerous boxes in 'his' room, but also the 30+ box files that he has on the whole wall of tall Billy Bookcases
His reply, when he actually spoke---I suppose I had better sort them.
I don't hold my breath.
He cannot tell me why he has to keep the supermarket receipts, and he 'needs' to keep postcards that people have sent us so that he can remember that they visited these places.

It is no use my asking for help for him, of suggesting that he goes for any sort of therapy, because he just wouldn't

You definitely have my sympathy and I agree that severe hoarding is a mental illness. I sometimes think also that it is hard for us to face up to our mortality hence we hold on to things. I have nagged my DH for eight years, since he retired, to clear out the garage and shed. He has finally decided to make a start and has been to a car boot sale for the past few weeks. However he is still only about half way through. He has cupboards with items that he has never used but won't let me get rid of but the worst thing is he would be unable to tell me what is in there and I expect your DH would be the same. Some months ago I did actually go through a pile of my DH's post which I found in a drawer and shredded a lot of it that was irrelevant. He never noticed. I find that if you match up all the letters from the same companies and use just one envelope for each your load is considerably reduced anyway by the spare envelopes that you throw out. I guess you would like to throw it all away but at least this is a compromise. Perhaps you could do some when your DH is out as it is a positive step for you and that's what you need right now. I'm sorry not to be able to offer any other advice but moving is a stressful time anyway and that is also why you are feeling like you do.

This sounds to me like a mental health issue rather than anything else. I would talk to your GP.