I'm at my wits end

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

We got rid of a huge amount of stuff when we moved, but still brought too much with us. Even so, DH from time to time has a go about something he was “ forced to get rid of” that he now wants. He has a whole room to himself, as well as his workshop in the garage, and the shed, yet he has overflowed into the tiny spare room too. That is shortly about to be transformed by a joiner into my “ study” so he has a deadline.

By the way, when we were selling the old house, we had one bedroom where we stacked boxes packed ready to go. It didn’t seem to matter, as the rest of the house was tidy.

My late DH was a great hoarder, especially of magazines, every computer, electronics and camera magazine known to man. All kept in case an article came in useful. I would slowly move them one by one from sitting room to cloakroom to study, and then eventually the recycling bin. As long as the stacks didn't change in size he was happy...... and thought all his magazines were safe. Little did he know....

You seem to have two issues.

First, you are trying to sell the house and need it tidy and decluttered. So you need to bargain with him - get lots of cardboard boxes and everything goes into a box and out of sight for a few months while viewings are taking place. Encourage by saying how much more money you will get for the house if it is looking nice. "The estate agent says it will make at least £3000 more if it is clear of clutter" (lie through your teeth).

Second, you still have all the "stuff". Once it is in the boxes you can at least move it into a new attic and it is out of sight, and maybe lose a few on the way. Maybe he will get used to not having it all around.

I loved my husband for who he was, complete with stacks of receipts, decades worth of paperwork, hobbies, magazines and books- When it came to moving, he saw to his own belongings- When he died I saw to them-

His issue isn't new to you- Your issue with him is- Perhaps that part of the partnership is the priority, not the decluttering of his stuff- Once sorted, the rest will fall into place- No matter if he brings his things to the new place or doesn't-

Sounds like this is actually a mental health issue and you need some professional help with it. Talk to your Dr about getting this. Your husband may accept help from others rather than his nearest and dearest.
I hope things improve for you both, its a very wearing situation.

Maybe allocate ONE area in your new home ( e.g.the box room , a shed) that can be his territory and he can fill it up with his “stuff”, but his “stuff” is not allowed ANYWHERE else. You must be able to close the door. If there’s not enough space, he has to get rid - he must decide, perhaps watch the Marie Kondo series on Netflix together.

Oh my dear what a ghastly scenario. I have done the whole clear-out and downsize and it was exhausting but DH and I were very much a team. I cannot begin to imagine how draining it must be for you to live the way you explain or to think about how this proposed move will go.
I am not sure I have any advise other than you making some sort of ultimatum, but that could be just too drastic. Are there any family members or friends of yours that understand your problems? Can you not plan an 'intervention' of sorts and form a working party. Perhaps you might need to explain to your doctor about this....you are trying to future proof yourselves which is important and does become an important part of getting older. Its something that many doctors understand....us making provisions for how to cope with our latter years.

Anyway, I am not sure I've been much help but just wanted to let you know that I really do sympathise with your plight and do hope you can call in some help, I doubt its something that you can do alone. All the very best.

Oh dear, that is really difficult. Sorry I have no experience with this condition, it is almost an illness.

I just wonder, could you sneakily start to remove some of the old papers etc on a regular basis, without him being aware? Surely he would not notice, especially items in the loft? I'm sure others will have some good ideas because there must be a limit on what he brings to the new house.

Yes, a real problem.

Asking him to give up his stuff and his papers etc isn't going to work, is it? I believe hoarding is a mental problem and causes all sorts of anxieties when a person is asked to let things go or change their ways.

I would suggest surreptitiously and slowly removing small bits of the hoard on a regular basis, but I appreciate that could cause real distress if your husband couldn't find something he was looking for.

My son recently hired a skip and cleaned out the large shed my ex and I stored all sorts of things in - years ago. I was initially cross when he told me everything had gone. However, he asked me to name something I particularly wanted to hold on to, and I couldn't. The clean shed is better than the cluttered, full one, by miles!

What about renting one of those storage facilities Yellow Box or something similar, close to your new home. His things would not be lost but would not be cluttering your new house either. He could visit whenever he felt the need. An expense that you were not expecting, but maybe worth it.

I don't blame you! Can you just chuck the lot out when he is not looking? - naughty, but tempting.