Is this emotional abuse?

Hi
It all definitely siubds like emotional abuse and perhaps some personality disorders
I have similar experience and trying to work out a plan
I’ve done lots of research to understand what might be happening
This has helped me counteract a lot of it Day to day
Eg I walk away from a rant and don’t engage
I realise I’m dealing with possible Asperger narcissism sociopathic behaviour etc etc
It has helped me a lot to distance myself by understanding these behaviours while I consider my future
Hope this might help you along with seeking financial advise

If this sort of behaviour was evident at the start then would you have jumped in? Probably not.... And in my opinion he is acting awfully. Please, please believe that you are worth more. All of this must be exhausting for you.
You sound beaten down and I imagine you are spending energy worrying when maybe e isn't?
Are you sure that he is aware exactly how dreadful things have become? Maybe you could start building yourself up- do more to make yourself feel good and build some foundations to support you so that if you decide to leave, you already have started an 'escape' plan! Things can feel daunting if tackled all in one go . Take some time out to work out exactly what you will put ho with and what you won't- perhaps focus on what you DO want in fact and head for that.

I understand your need to 'name' this as you are questioning yourself amd want to know if his behaviour is within acceptable realms. If it isn't to you - then no it isnt!
This horrible behaviour of your husband has contributed if not been totally responsible for your confidence crash.
I have Just left a marriage three months ago- most difficult decision of my life. I have two young children, I'm paying off a Bancrupcy order, I rent a rather run down old farmhouse, work in a school for minimum wage and my nearest blood family lives 90 miles away with the majority in a completely different county..... But I now wake up and feel free to make my own decisions and hopefully one by one, I'll start ticking my list off ( be it taking over all of the bills- of which I have only one more to clear before everything is in my name) and my next big mountain is to re train. I am worth more than £8.21 an hour, I'm bright, I'm honest, I'm hard working and resilient. Is taken only a few weeks to start finding evidence to support this. I am not a confident person but I can be bold enough when empassioned! You have one life. Xx

Manny, I cannot believe that you have another place to live, and you are still with him. I bet there are thousands of women who would wish they had so they could leave.
He is not going to change. Leave him.
Basically he does not give a shit about you, your family or you life.

Hmmm... It sounds to me as if you are both unhappy in this marriage, manny, sorry to say. I would say I'm glad you had a conversation and will try spending a few days together, but I'm wondering what the nature of the conversation was? Did you let him know how you feel? Did he promise to make some changes? How about the other way? Did he express feelings you can understand and accept?

If this latest effort to fix your marriage doesn't work out, I agree with others that you should look into divorce or just live separately. Since you have two houses, that shouldn't be that hard to do. Best of luck to you!

Yes it is abusive, but what's more important you find it intolerable so leave. It is up to you if you divorce, but whatever please consult a solicitor to help you determine what steps that you can take after leaving to secure your future.

One step at a time is all it takes to leave.

Best of luck

To be blunt he sounds like a pratt. Why on earth are you still with him
I've been through a similar thing. I left and it was the best thing I ever did. No more walking on eggshells x

It is emotional abuse. I just can't see why you are still with him. You need to get some legal advice , get everything in order and then leave. It certainly can't be any worse than the life you are living.

"The thought of a divorce horrifies me."
Why? I know you say "he will be determined to make it as difficult as possible", but how can that be worse than the lonely, isolated and unfulfilling life you are leading now? At least there'd be an end in sight that isn't death.

To be blunt manny - if he's coming up for 80, pretty soon he'll be facing ill-health, maybe mobility issues, inability to take care of his personal needs - how do you feel about being his carer? If you think your marriage is bad now (and it is - it really is) then how bad do you think it will be when he starts treating you like an extension to his own failing body, fetching and carrying for him?

How do you want to spend the rest of your life?

You posted " What I want is ‘for him to be different ‘ ". Well, that isn't going to happen. It's a pipe dream. What he is now is what he will be until he dies. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

So I'll ask you again - how do you want to spend the rest of your life?

Definitely emotional abuse, from a typical self entitled man. You might consider that life is too short to put up with any more of this nonsense. Why not live apart, not get a divorce, but act as if you were single. Enjoy life again?

He will soon find out that life on his own is not the wonderful thing he might think. Do you do all the shopping, cooking, washing, ironing? Basically service his living needs? Why not just stop?

There's too much of this selfishness going on with men. I do wish you luck, don't put up with more of this nonsense.

It sounds as if you have two homes.
If yes, then you stay in one and live the life you choose, make new friends and make a new life fir yourself and he stays in t'other and does as he pleases.
Failing that, just carry on and ignore him.

Ultimatums don't really work. Not with him, anyway.
We have finally had a discussion - well, a conversation. I'm going to join him for a few days to see how we get on. A bit 'glass half empty' to be honest, but I'd like to say I'd done my best.
The more I think about his behaviour, the odder it seems. The autism thing might be at the root of it.
Thank all of you so much for your comments and advice - it's been such a relief to get some of this off my chest.

To me what you are describing is most definitely emotional abuse.

Your husband has succeeded in alienating you from your family, and perhaps your friends as well ?

Now he has done so, he ignores you completely.

Divorce is sometimes the only solution. Why stay with this man? He isn't treating you well and you are desperately unhappy.

Do get advice on divorce. Talk to your family, whoever in it you are closest to and ask for help.

Manny, he must be a lot lonelier than you are. Poor man.

However poor man is not sufficient reason for you to live in order to serve his needs.

Why would he be "determined to make (divorce) as difficult as possible" ? what does he want/ need from you? Can you come to a reciprocal arrangement?

I can understand many of the grans are better off from being divorced. In my experience there is still a stigma,
and a social disadvantage of not having a spouse , and the worst thing of course is the loneliness. However you seem already to manage well socially without him and would be even better socially if you dumped him.

I still think in fairness he deserves a quid pro quo conversation or at least an ultimatum.

I ask myself this question, if anything was to happen to my husband or children and I could only save the husband or the children which would it be ?. Staying miserable with your husband or having your own front door and enjoying the company of your family and friends inviting them whenever you wish, no more tense atmosphere. No one says it is easy but I have been their and come out the other end. I wish you well

If your lonely in a marriage I am afraid its over. Don't be frightened of divorce it means a new chapter in your life - and I talk from experience, this chapter in my life is fabulous.

I’m in same position..... we are emotionally distant from each other.... he watches tv 17 hours a day....hasn’t been anywhere with me for 12 years.... football and trains ... his only interests. In those 12 years we’ve had a grandson born and then a granddaughter.... 12 and 7... he has no interest. They don’t even speak to him when in the house and have to be ‘reminded’ to even say hello . They have no emotional tie with him at all it seems. My daughter stays away unless she’s dropping off the kids ,and my son comes once a month to have Sunday lunch and ‘catch up’ ( he’s single). I go out with friends and sometimes go and visit my sister .... I would leave instantly if it wasn’t for the fact that I know he would abuse our children’s love for him by becoming demanding and lazier than he already is. He would use them mercifully. He is mildly disabled and says he can’t walk far so gets waited on.... he refuses any form of exercise to try and help himself... he had to be told to dress ( why bother I’m not going anywhere) ...he is totally dependent on me. It’s too late for me to get out, because of the burden he would become to our kids... but it’s not too late for you Manny. RUN... and do it now... no false loyalty.... just RUN!

Leave him! You have only one life. make the most of it. This man dorsn't care for oe about you. Get as good a lawyer as you can afford. Why have you waited this long?

You sound so unhappy, and as someone said you had posted about this over two years ago obviously nothing has changed, yes divorce can be stressful, but so is living like this, as you are saying you have two homes.why don’t you go and live at your other home

Sorry, see that's already been pointed out!

I wish we could go back and edit comments.

Sounds as if he might be somewhere on the autistic spectrum.
Can you develop it later in life?

If it was to transpire that it is a use of any kind would you divorce? Perhaps your DH has grown to fill his time with i interests that require computer use. If there wasn't a computer how would he manage the organisation. Or has he chosen to do this knowingly. You need to really consider the WHY. You are obviously unhappy. You mentioned two homes, why don't you have a prolonged break to help figure just how you feel about your relationship. Sorry can't help with what constitutes abuse, you need a solicitor to help with that.

I’ve managed to stay civil with 1st husband, who is the father of my 3..... but 2nd husband I divorced for mental cruelty as he turned to drink after his Co collapsed in the recession. I did all I could to support him, as I didn’t want to go thro a 2nd divorce and be single in my 50’s. But his behaviour just deteriorated, picking on my 3, totally selfish behaviour, no consideration for me whatsoever. After the divorce I felt as if a 20 ton weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I was cross with myself for treading on egg shells all those years instead of having peace in my head. I love life now, have let go all of my angst and everyday is a joy. Please let him go, when someone does not even care about you and the distress he causes to your loved ones, then there is something seriously wrong with him. Be true to yourself and be happy with your lovely family who will help and support you thro this.

oh, how old are you? you say your husband is to be eighty years old next birthday.

does is matter if he is autistic, or whatever,,, and you have another home to live in, separate from him?

I sense it is very hard for you to leave him to his own devices, but ,,, think about it, if he is emotionally abusing you, again, what difference does that make, I sense that you have come to this conclusion anyway.

get out of it,,, how many years do you have? we never know

live separate and apart,, but then I don`t know the financial issues involved... as long as you can afford to, live separate homes, separate lives,, don`t wait for him to contact you! go enjoy what life you have now..
God bless you,,,

I'm sorry, but I think he was looking for an unpaid housekeeper and got one.
Just what is he "organising"? If he isn't prepared to either tell you or show you, I'd be raising a very large red flag.
Quite honestly, you don't really have a marriage in the true sense. The fact that you have left him on his own , and has not either contacted you or responded to you makes me think that he is truly not bothered about anyone apart from himself and whatever it is that he is organising - or you may hear from him when the freezer is empty and his laundry basket is full!
I think you need to see a solicitor to find out your options. At least if he turns around on you, you will have legal backing in place. The solicitor will be able to step in and deal with him on your behalf.

Why should divorce horrify you? Yes, it can be unpleasant whilst going through it, but the long-term rewards are well worth it. You'll wish you'd done it sooner.