Is this emotional abuse?

IMO this is emotional abuse manny, it must feel as if you're living in a permanent state of being sent to coventry.

I understand your families reluctance to come to your home but maybe that's simply giving him what he wants. Are they staying away in the hope that it makes life better for you or is it because they no longer want to be in his company?

I don't know what to suggest TBH. You sound so unhappy, is divorce really something that you can't face? Is living with this selfish man how you want to spend the rest of your life?

I wouldn't attempt to contact him while he's away from home. Leave him to possibly think about how his treatment of you has driven you away.

Would telling him how you feel and that you're considering divorce make him take a good long hard look at himself?

Sorry for all the questions but sometimes asking ourselves can help us to see what it is we really need and want.

I hope others will be able to help.

Why do you need a name for it?
Why does divorce horrify you?
In situations like this divorce can be the best outcome. Why spend your life being miserable when you could be happy on your own?

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, manny. This sounds very much like emotional abuse to me. Ignoring you, alienating your family, pursuing his own interests with no thought for you, being emotionally distant, making you feel you're walking on eggshells. No one should have to live like this. You deserve better. Your husband wants everything on his terms. How selfish of him.
I was married for not long short of 30 years; I was my husband's second wife - he'd been divorced for a couple of years when we met. Things seemed fine for a number of years - although looking back, there were signs that at the time I didn't really notice - but when he retired and I was still in full-time work he started really going off the rails. I divorced him 2 years ago - reason: adultery. However, his general behaviour was very much like you describe. I'm in my early 60s now. The thought of being left on my own in my late 50s frightened me at first, but I can now say I have no regrets. He was very uncooperative during the divorce, which took about 9 months when it could have taken just a few. But life on one's own isn't bad at all. I'd advise you to get good legal advice in the first instance and get your family on your side. I don't know your financial situation. I'm fortunate in that I have my own occupational pension and some additional income, and I negotiated a very good settlement which meant I was able to buy my new home outright. I suspect my ex-husband only agreed to that because he had other plans (i.e. to marry the woman he met a year after I'd agreed to move as he wanted 'a fresh start', persuade her to sell the home she owned and buy a new one with him in a different area, meaning he'd probably be entitled to half - so far, everything I thought he'd do, he's done).
I hope everything goes well for you. Let us know how you get on. You'll get good advice and support here.

Thanks Smileless.
They don't want to come because he's so unpleasant. Unwelcoming, cheerless and unwilling to join in anything.
Everything in the house has to be perfect. Every little thing.He admits to feeling 'wound up' before they come. Then I get tense. There's no pleasure in it. He was reasonably accommodating with one daughter and her family - but that's now gone following a visit some weeks ago. I think he is probably depressed but he would never admit to that. He did attempt to talk to my daughter and SIL (the most relaxed and stable guy you could ever meet) but his complaints about family members were very petty.
I've been distraught as I dearly love them all - but he is cold and very defensive if I try to talk to him. If I say anything with any vehemence at all he accuses me of losing my temper.

As FlexibleFriend said, why do you need a name for it? And it doesn't sound as if he's deliberately hurtful. More
like a man who doesn't need a wife or a family because of personality problems.
Has he changed since you first met him?

I agree with Flexiblefriend don't spend any longer being unhappy and alienated from your family, call time on this marriage.

Oh my dear life now ids way too short Is your reluctance to leave him because you love him so much or because you’re unsure of being on your own if it’s the later it would be a hundred times better as you would have your family back again
What’s holding you in this seemingly unhappy relationship

manny
You posted on this problem in February 2017. That's over 2 years 7 months gone!!!
So nothing's changed, infact it sounds as if his behaviour is worse.
This might sound cruel, but, have more respect for yourself. Your worth better than this.
I wish you well.

You may as well be on your own with this going on. I'd be thinking what it's doing to my health more than anything and it's not an ideal situation to be in.
He sounds quite unwell to me spending this much time on social media while ignoring those around him. Addiction.

I reckon it's emotional abuse. As to being scared of divorce, I get that. My first marriage was abusive and when I got out of it I was financially in a dire position. It took me about 10 years to get back on my feet. It was worth it though.

Petra...I'm amazed. How did you work that out?

Manny, I'm sorry things haven't improved. My husband (ex) started exactly the same, but what I didn't realise was that he was planning to leave me for his mistress, and this was his way of distancing himself and telling me didn't love me. I'm not saying that your husband is planning to leave you, but if you ask me, you're not having much of a life with him, are you?
I am divorced now, on my own, sometimes a bit lonely, but my word, how liberating....no more embarrassment, no more giving excuses for him, and I have saved my relationships with my family and friends.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

It does not really matter what you call it - it is making you miserable and what matters is that you need to get away from this. Divorce or whatever makes no odds - just take whatever steps you need to lead your own life. Challenging I know - but what is the point in letting this continue. You don't have great chunks of life left now - don't waste it being miserable.

As the thought of divorce horrifies you- and indeed it will surely be an unpleasant and undoubtedly expensive business, would it work to unofficially separate- just lead your own lives. I say this as I am assuming you have two homes, which would make this arrangement simpler- without all the aggravation. Just let him get on with his life and you get on with enjoying yours and your family without him and his negativity.

Manny as another person on here pointed out, you posted this problem on here 2 1/2 YEARS ago. Nothing has changed then? You've got 2 homes? (You say you've gone to your full-time home), so why not live there, alone, and leave him to be on his own?

It's very hard to see what you could possibly be getting from this relationship, Manny. I am assuming he is not the father of your children? From what you've told us, your children & their families give you much more pleasure than your husband ever will, whether it's called emotional abuse or anything else.

Go and see a lawyer or contact Women's Aid, who could help you find a way out of this. Also, protect any money or savings you may have, in case he decides to play dirty. Good luck.

Divorce may be horrifying but it can't be as bad as living like this. I think you would be happier on your own. The decision is yours to make and I hope you resolve things soon.

It may be emotional abuse or has he a mental health problem? I know this is often a 'fall back' excuse. He has alienated all his children - my dad did something similar. He was a bully and everyone in the family suffered. Mum should have left him but people of her generation didn't, they just put up with it. I'm sure you don't have to.

I think, give him a chance. Book him an appointment at a very good GP. Check there is nothing underlying, physical or mental.

Has he always been like this?

The bloody hobby sounds hideous....is it collecting something?

After the chance and 6 or so weeks, look out for yourself.

No - at the beginning he wasn't - otherwise I would have run a mile! He organises reunions, basically. Not just a few people. Its a big commitment and takes up quite a lot of time. In the run up to these, he becomes very tense. I don't want him to stop, I just want him to put boundaries on it i.e. length of time spent on internet. What worries me is that he has no other outlet. He's not going to be able to do this for ever, and he has nothing to fall back on, so that'll be very uncomfortable for him.

If you aren't happy with divorce then why not apply for a judicial separation? I know that it can be useful if you need to sort out financial affairs but don't wish to divorce,perhaps for religious reasons. You can still divorce at later date if you so wish.

It doesn't matter if it is emotional abuse or not, if you are unhappy then you should do something . I don't see that staying as you are is really benefiting you is it?

I believe what you are suffering is emotional abuse. DD3 has just finished her relationship with my GC’s father as he behaves in a similar manner. DD’s father and wife did not want to visit and I have found being in the same space as him could be very intimidating although I continued to help with child care and said very little. TBH, bad manners didn’t even start to cover his behaviour.

My DH was very involved with the local fishing club and spent many hours doing club business but he usually found the time to be sociable with friends and family. Yes, it was lonely sometimes but he did his best.

Personally I think you would be better off emotionally without him.

I have also had the emotional abuse when the other half has tried to prevent me from seeing friends and family. It left me very depressed and blaming myself for not being good enough. Eventually with the support of others I left with no idea of the future other than to keep some sanity. This was an earlier relationship.

Two DDs have also gone through very obstructive divorces but they are happier now. Divorce is not easy but I hope your family would at least give you some moral support.

Good luck, whatever you decide but nobody deserves to exist in such a relationship in this day and age. ???

CrazyH
Just put the name in the search box ?

What's " in it" for him organising reunions? Avoidance of emotion,obsessive attention to detail, plans, routes, facts, numbers.

I promise you being on your own is better than living with emotional abuse ( you are) Divorce is stressful but worth it. Get legal advice, get support, but leave . You deserve a better life than this.

Is he perhaps slightly autistic? If you still feel affection for him you might consider not divorcing him. From what you have written you seem not to share whatever it is he follows online.

He may have an interest which very few people share.

He at least deserves an ultimatum from you.