What would you do.

My husband has always been a night owl but since I had the menopause , some 10 years now his occasional late night has become the normal. His average time of retiring is 1 am but lately this has extended to 3 even 4 am mainly because he falls asleep in the chair but would not admit he is tired..
When this first happen I suspected an affair as our sex life went from very active to almost nothing over night (DH being the most active) but as time went by I realised it was the menopause that put him off sex nothing else.
However my problem was more to do with the fact I am an early bird and get up at the crack of dawn and my DH can stay in bed these days until after noon. What to do, I did for a while worry he's ill, get angry because he is being lazy and finally got fed up. Those emotions failed and had absolutely no effect on his sleeping habits at all to the extent that when we had builders in to do renovation work they carried on banging, loud music etc and DH still did not get out of bed until 10.30am much to the amusement of the builders.
I felt I needed to change tactics.
Now, I will either go for a swim, do the gym and have leisurely Jacuzzi or go for a long walk across the fields foraging or gardening or just sit and read a book, listen to music without any cross examining or disapproving looks or grunting. Everything I want to do;but do not always get the chance, is done before he even gets out of bed. It is never discussed what I get up to between 6am-noon. I do tell him what I have been doing but he is not that bothered Our day starts together now at Noon, he is still working part time and go straight to his 'office' before coming down stairs. We are now in the routine without any arguments.
I love it as I get 'me time' of at least 3 hours a day, long may it last!

I would certainly ask him to get checked out with his GP - sleep problems with type 2 diabetes can be a sign that his blood sugar isn't being properly controlled and also that he may have sleep apnea (very common with diabetes) which can be very dangerous if not treated. Disturbed sleep patterns can also be a sign of depression. It sounds as though you're not happy with the current situation, so no good telling you to adapt to it. Tell him that you're worried about his health and it would help you if he got checked out (that you could then stop worrying). Try telling him that you're lonely and that this isn't how you pictured your retirement, and that you don't think you can do this for another 20 years (or more)? You could try making a lot of noise during the day to wake him up?? But, in the end, if he won't budge, then you have to make some very difficult decisions about whether this is the man you want to grow old with.

Yes probably lots of seemingly incompatible relationships. Depends how much it affects you yelrah?

I am an early to bed early to rise and my OH is a night owl and will sleep most of the day when he's not working.

Doesn't bother me in the slightest because I just do my own thing. He is great in other areas such as housework etc (while I am out).

All depends on the individual I guess. Do you love him? Does leaving seem a better option?

One thing for certain is....don't try to change him. It will just cause more friction and upset.

By all means talk to him and explain how you feel but be prepared for something you may not want? Personally I would HATE it if my OH decided to spend all night speaking to me ha ha ha. I like to go and read in peace!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Speak to him, see how he feels. If there is no compromise then just share the house as friends. That should work fine unless you meet someone else, then is the time to act. Life should all be about being happy and being able to make our own choices, not have to live our lives dancing to someone else’s tune .... I wish you well.

Thankyou all, you have given me lots of options to think about.
I think my main problem is I was 60 last year and it's set off a panic button in me . And I need to make the most of my life .
I had two close relatives die in there sixtys. Don't get me wrong I don't think I'm going to die. But I have AF which can cause a stroke, which they both died of.

So that's what bothers me with my husband. I just think is this it.
Is this how it's going to be.

He's only 57 if he's like this now.
What is he going to be like when he is older.
We've been together a long time 35 years. He was in the forces and away a lot. And we have grown apart to be honest over the years.
We are like two people who share a house. But want different things.
But yet still stick together.

I agree with Bradford Lass. If things are reasonably ok otherwise and you're rubbing along together, leaving him seems both drastic and potentially very expensive.

Could you pursue your own hobbies and interests, join groups, go out or even on holidays, with friends? Would that work for you?

Every marriage is different. You will need to find a course that suits you if you can't do things with him.

My partner is type1 diabetic and he sleeps whenever he has the opportunity. If he doesn’t have to get up for work he has to be woken in the morning at some point to have his insulin. He has a very physical job, so I make allowances but I do get a bit bored waiting around for him to WAKE UP! Unfortunately, I am a morning lark so always seem to be waiting around for him.o
This seems to be a a common problem with couples. How we cope with it is another matter.

Is this a new thing? Since he retired perhaps, or have you not been married to each other for very long?

My husband is an early bird, up at half-past four, which is the time I would be going to bed when I was younger unless I had to get up for work!

We have worked out a compromise, he gets up early, but accepts that I don't get up until 7 a.m. he takes at nap during the afternoon, I don't so we are both ready for bed at about 11.30 p.m.

If your husband has not always been like this, it is only reasonable if he tells you what the change is due to. Is he having difficulty adjusting to retirement, unemployment, or could he be worrying about something?

You say you have talked to him many times about this habit, does he listen to you? Is he willing to discuss it, or not?

Often in marriage it depends on how you talk about a problem. Here you need a compromise that suits you both.

No stranger can or should advise you as to whether you should leave him or not. That depends on so many factors.

If you are considering leaving, you need to ask yourself whether you still love him and can face living without him.

Then you need to consult citizens' advice, your bank manager and a solicitor, because you need to know exactly what kind of money you will have to build a new life with.
Whose name is your house in? Are you still working, what sort of benefits might you be entitled to as a single woman?

If you do decide to leave, are you going to tell your husband that you are leaving, or ask him to consider changing so you want to stay?

You can air all these problems here, but only you can know what you really want to do.

I often stay up til the early hours then read in bed for an hour or two. OH starts yawning at 9pm and often goes to bed at 10pm. I did tentatively think I should change but then thought I am happy with the situation so why should I?

I’ve never thought it was a problem. Just different body clocks.

My DH is just the same & also type 2 diabetic. He goes to sleep in his study & usually wakes about 5am when he comes up to bed. He could then sleep all morning if I let him.
He is off work at the moment so I am hoping when he gets a new job he will start to keep normal hours during the week. He has always liked a lie in at weekends.
Doesn't really bother me.

My husband has a pattern much like that of Sazzl It irritated the hell out of me for a while but now we have developed coping strategies. I get my jobs done in the morning then rest in the afternoon or follow some leisure activity. My husband works in the afternoon and early evening. We compromise if we are going out, he gets up a bit earlier and I don't get so pernickety about completing chores. Works for us.

I have an abnormal sleep pattern too. I'm rarely in bed before 1am and never asleep before 2 or 3. Then I get up around 10am. Started after working shifts for 9 years and I've tried unsucessfully to reverse it several times. OH accepts it but he's usually in bed at 9 or 10 and up at 6am. We get along just fine accepting each other as we are. If I have to get up early for any appointments then I usually nap in the day. It works out well for us.

Yelra
You have given yourself options.
The easiest I believe being leave him to it and do your own thing.
If your marriage has survived so far why try to mend what isn't broken.

What's in the relationship if you are awake and asleep at different times? Has your husband always been like this or has it crept up. If he's always been like this why have you stayed married to him as it's clearly bothering you? If it's more recent, check out potential reasons. One thing you might try to do is gradually shift the clock - steal an hour from his daytime sleeping to do something together out of the house when he can't sleep, and then stay up an hour later yourself. If this works, try to increase the shift but make the time together something he sees as motivating. If he won't budge, ditch him because after all, if you're not 'together' now, in your older age when you might really need his companionship, you won't have it.

It might be worth a trip to the doc in case he has sleep apnoea. People who are older sometimes sleep badly at night in bed, but then need to sleep during the day, and that tends to be upright in a chair. If he’s gradually changed his routine he may have that problem and be unaware of it.

You are a bit like ships in the night! If he won’t try and compromise I guess you either have to make a life with friends on your own or decide if it’s bad enough to leave. I’m not sure what being a type 2 diabetic has to do with it, that shouldn’t make any difference to how he sleeps

It sounds as if he’s not going to change this is how he is and you are the opposite, depends if you love him, and things are ok in other areas of your lives. It must be difficult to live like this though, sounds a bit lonely unless you are doing things you like to do too

My DH and I are the same. I don’t try to do anything about it anymore. He has never slept well and drops off easily during the daytime. We rarely go out early but I just get on with things. He’s usually ready to do something by lunch time. The exception is on holiday but he does manage to get up then, have breakfast and spend most of the day awake. I too have noticed he’s sleeping more in the day but I’ve put this down to old age.

If the rest of your relationship is ok, look on the bright side and let him get on with it whilst you do your thing

If you are living totally separate lives, and it seems you are, there's no point in leaving as you are virtually living alone now.

It is probably more economical to stay together and it's not as if this is an entirely new situation.

The thing is, you imagine doing all sorts of things with him once he retired and it's not happening.

If reality doesn't match up to the expectations, don't blame reality - just appreciate what little you have in the relationship and fill your daytimes with the things YOU like doing.

You might even have a weekend away, alone or with a girl-friend -it might help change your outlook

Thankyou for your advise.
My husband is diabetic type 2.
To be fair he has always been a night owl but since retiring this has got worse.
And I am a lark always have been to the point where sometimes I wake up in the morning when he's going to bed .
I think our idea of retirement is very different.

Midgey I have thought of leaving.
If this is how it's going to be.
Or maybe like you just do our own thing. Maybe the answer.

Thanks again everyone for your advise.

I think the first thing you need to do is find out is this his natural rythm or is there a reason. As others have said we all have our natural rythms. I am a lark - up at 6.00am, 8am is a lie-in. DD is an extreme owl. Left to herself she would go to bed at 2.00 - 3.00am and get up at mid day or later.

When you know why he has this sleeping and waking pattern, you can then discuss how both of you can adjust your normal rythms in order to spend more time together. Assuming you both want to. If that is not the case, then te solution may be very different.

There are owls and there are larks.
You have married an owl. They say Margaret Thatcher was an owl. So am I. Your husband is in good company ?

It sounds like a lonely life for you both.

Perhaps have a week on 'nights' and see what he gets up to. Did he used to work a night shift by any chance?

If there’s nothing wrong health wise and he’s choosing to do this then have a final, line in the sand type conversation and then do my my own thing while considering what I’m getting out of being married to someone who doesn’t want to spend any time with me.