What would you do.

Depends, has illness or a health condition been ruled out? If so you really need to be asking him about this. If he really does not want to go out during the day, you perhaps need to find your own interests. There is a thread on Do You Socialise Together and some of the ladies there gave very good advice.

My husband prefers to be a night owl. You will probably not change him, if it drives you insane would you leave him? Or like us rub along leading almost separate lives!

If there’s nothing wrong health wise and he’s choosing to do this then have a final, line in the sand type conversation and then do my my own thing while considering what I’m getting out of being married to someone who doesn’t want to spend any time with me.

It sounds like a lonely life for you both.

Perhaps have a week on 'nights' and see what he gets up to. Did he used to work a night shift by any chance?

There are owls and there are larks.
You have married an owl. They say Margaret Thatcher was an owl. So am I. Your husband is in good company ?

I think the first thing you need to do is find out is this his natural rythm or is there a reason. As others have said we all have our natural rythms. I am a lark - up at 6.00am, 8am is a lie-in. DD is an extreme owl. Left to herself she would go to bed at 2.00 - 3.00am and get up at mid day or later.

When you know why he has this sleeping and waking pattern, you can then discuss how both of you can adjust your normal rythms in order to spend more time together. Assuming you both want to. If that is not the case, then te solution may be very different.

Thankyou for your advise.
My husband is diabetic type 2.
To be fair he has always been a night owl but since retiring this has got worse.
And I am a lark always have been to the point where sometimes I wake up in the morning when he's going to bed .
I think our idea of retirement is very different.

Midgey I have thought of leaving.
If this is how it's going to be.
Or maybe like you just do our own thing. Maybe the answer.

Thanks again everyone for your advise.

If you are living totally separate lives, and it seems you are, there's no point in leaving as you are virtually living alone now.

It is probably more economical to stay together and it's not as if this is an entirely new situation.

The thing is, you imagine doing all sorts of things with him once he retired and it's not happening.

If reality doesn't match up to the expectations, don't blame reality - just appreciate what little you have in the relationship and fill your daytimes with the things YOU like doing.

You might even have a weekend away, alone or with a girl-friend -it might help change your outlook

My DH and I are the same. I don’t try to do anything about it anymore. He has never slept well and drops off easily during the daytime. We rarely go out early but I just get on with things. He’s usually ready to do something by lunch time. The exception is on holiday but he does manage to get up then, have breakfast and spend most of the day awake. I too have noticed he’s sleeping more in the day but I’ve put this down to old age.

If the rest of your relationship is ok, look on the bright side and let him get on with it whilst you do your thing

It sounds as if he’s not going to change this is how he is and you are the opposite, depends if you love him, and things are ok in other areas of your lives. It must be difficult to live like this though, sounds a bit lonely unless you are doing things you like to do too

You are a bit like ships in the night! If he won’t try and compromise I guess you either have to make a life with friends on your own or decide if it’s bad enough to leave. I’m not sure what being a type 2 diabetic has to do with it, that shouldn’t make any difference to how he sleeps

It might be worth a trip to the doc in case he has sleep apnoea. People who are older sometimes sleep badly at night in bed, but then need to sleep during the day, and that tends to be upright in a chair. If he’s gradually changed his routine he may have that problem and be unaware of it.

What's in the relationship if you are awake and asleep at different times? Has your husband always been like this or has it crept up. If he's always been like this why have you stayed married to him as it's clearly bothering you? If it's more recent, check out potential reasons. One thing you might try to do is gradually shift the clock - steal an hour from his daytime sleeping to do something together out of the house when he can't sleep, and then stay up an hour later yourself. If this works, try to increase the shift but make the time together something he sees as motivating. If he won't budge, ditch him because after all, if you're not 'together' now, in your older age when you might really need his companionship, you won't have it.

Yelra
You have given yourself options.
The easiest I believe being leave him to it and do your own thing.
If your marriage has survived so far why try to mend what isn't broken.

I have an abnormal sleep pattern too. I'm rarely in bed before 1am and never asleep before 2 or 3. Then I get up around 10am. Started after working shifts for 9 years and I've tried unsucessfully to reverse it several times. OH accepts it but he's usually in bed at 9 or 10 and up at 6am. We get along just fine accepting each other as we are. If I have to get up early for any appointments then I usually nap in the day. It works out well for us.

My husband has a pattern much like that of Sazzl It irritated the hell out of me for a while but now we have developed coping strategies. I get my jobs done in the morning then rest in the afternoon or follow some leisure activity. My husband works in the afternoon and early evening. We compromise if we are going out, he gets up a bit earlier and I don't get so pernickety about completing chores. Works for us.

My DH is just the same & also type 2 diabetic. He goes to sleep in his study & usually wakes about 5am when he comes up to bed. He could then sleep all morning if I let him.
He is off work at the moment so I am hoping when he gets a new job he will start to keep normal hours during the week. He has always liked a lie in at weekends.
Doesn't really bother me.

I often stay up til the early hours then read in bed for an hour or two. OH starts yawning at 9pm and often goes to bed at 10pm. I did tentatively think I should change but then thought I am happy with the situation so why should I?

I’ve never thought it was a problem. Just different body clocks.

Is this a new thing? Since he retired perhaps, or have you not been married to each other for very long?

My husband is an early bird, up at half-past four, which is the time I would be going to bed when I was younger unless I had to get up for work!

We have worked out a compromise, he gets up early, but accepts that I don't get up until 7 a.m. he takes at nap during the afternoon, I don't so we are both ready for bed at about 11.30 p.m.

If your husband has not always been like this, it is only reasonable if he tells you what the change is due to. Is he having difficulty adjusting to retirement, unemployment, or could he be worrying about something?

You say you have talked to him many times about this habit, does he listen to you? Is he willing to discuss it, or not?

Often in marriage it depends on how you talk about a problem. Here you need a compromise that suits you both.

No stranger can or should advise you as to whether you should leave him or not. That depends on so many factors.

If you are considering leaving, you need to ask yourself whether you still love him and can face living without him.

Then you need to consult citizens' advice, your bank manager and a solicitor, because you need to know exactly what kind of money you will have to build a new life with.
Whose name is your house in? Are you still working, what sort of benefits might you be entitled to as a single woman?

If you do decide to leave, are you going to tell your husband that you are leaving, or ask him to consider changing so you want to stay?

You can air all these problems here, but only you can know what you really want to do.

My partner is type1 diabetic and he sleeps whenever he has the opportunity. If he doesn’t have to get up for work he has to be woken in the morning at some point to have his insulin. He has a very physical job, so I make allowances but I do get a bit bored waiting around for him to WAKE UP! Unfortunately, I am a morning lark so always seem to be waiting around for him.o
This seems to be a a common problem with couples. How we cope with it is another matter.

I agree with Bradford Lass. If things are reasonably ok otherwise and you're rubbing along together, leaving him seems both drastic and potentially very expensive.

Could you pursue your own hobbies and interests, join groups, go out or even on holidays, with friends? Would that work for you?

Every marriage is different. You will need to find a course that suits you if you can't do things with him.

Thankyou all, you have given me lots of options to think about.
I think my main problem is I was 60 last year and it's set off a panic button in me . And I need to make the most of my life .
I had two close relatives die in there sixtys. Don't get me wrong I don't think I'm going to die. But I have AF which can cause a stroke, which they both died of.

So that's what bothers me with my husband. I just think is this it.
Is this how it's going to be.

He's only 57 if he's like this now.
What is he going to be like when he is older.
We've been together a long time 35 years. He was in the forces and away a lot. And we have grown apart to be honest over the years.
We are like two people who share a house. But want different things.
But yet still stick together.

Speak to him, see how he feels. If there is no compromise then just share the house as friends. That should work fine unless you meet someone else, then is the time to act. Life should all be about being happy and being able to make our own choices, not have to live our lives dancing to someone else’s tune .... I wish you well.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.