DD (only child) going to live in California

I used to worry about this scenario a lot , as my son in law lived in New Zealand for three years and absolutely loved it. Since my grandchildren were born I’ve been dreading the thought that the family would up and go! But luckily my daughter is a home bird and never liked the idea, although he can be very persuasive. He’s still a bit of a bohemian in dress and life style, and I’m sure would rather be there instead of here. I can understand the draw of a seaside/ beach lifestyle. But now the couple have split up and are living separate lives except in respect of the children.... they have them week-on , week -off arrangement. I think he will remain put while the kids finish school and then He’ll be off! I love him and will miss him, but at least my daughter will be living in England. I relate this because I feel for you..... but sometimes these plans never happen.... they can just be dreams! you sound like you have a wonderful place to live and a lively set of friends... don’t cross the bridges before they’re in front of you.

My DD went out to Australia to work for a year but after about 9 months decided to stay indefinitely and got sponsored to stay by her employer.
My heart sank, but I am happy that she is so happy there and although she sometimes gets homesick she loves Australia.
I was going to emigrate there myself in 1975 had everything sorted but my then husband changed his mind because of the pressure applied by his father who kept crying and begging us to stay.
We split up about a year later (he went off with a girl he worked with) so who knows if it was the right thing to do.
I speak to my daughter all the time on WhatsApp and will be spending 3 weeks in Australia with her at Christmas (so excited) it will have been a over 2 years since I have seen her.

A good friend said to me “you need your children much more than they need you”
It’s heartbreaking but true.

One more thing I forgot to mention..from going out to Melbourne and visiting regularly we have made friends there with our daughter’s friend’s parents and her friends. We also look forward to seeing them while we’re there. It’s opened up our life quite a lot.

You have done such a fantastic job bringing up your daughter and must be so proud of her too, and of yourself .my heart goes out to you, I feel so sad for you reading your post, I’m so glad you are happy where you are,I think your reaction is a normal one I’d be in tears too, would it be an option to go over to see her couple of times a year: luckily we have skype etc I too would be very upset if any of my children went to live abroad but I would want them to have the life they wanted, and wouldn’t show I was devastated in front of them

Another mother (and father) who’s only daughter lives the other side of the world in Melbourne. Our only son was also living there for 2 years but is now back home albeit 200 miles from us. Like you I suffered from depression when she left and thought I was going out of my mind. That was in 2010 and although her life has had its up and downs with a divorce and her living alone for 4 years, she always preferred to be living over there. She has now remarried and had her first baby last year at 39. She messages me most days and is always sending photographs and videos of our granddaughter. We speak at least once a week. We went over for our grandaughter’s birth and also for her first birthday and they have been over here with her last year and will be coming for Christmas. In fact we have more communication than with our son. It is a long flight for us...20 hour’s in total but we see it as a means to a wonderful end.
Everyone’s situation is different but all I can say is things are no way as bad as I expected. When we see each other we make such an effort and have lovely times together and do so much. I know it’s not the same as having your daughter on your doorstep but some families hardly see one another and they live in the same town.
Give her your blessing, visit her often and you’ll have wonderful times together.

My daughter has been in California for over 30 years and until my husband was ill we went every year to visit. We have had some wonderful holidays, always going off in the middle of our visit to have a short holiday north, south, east of San Francisco, which we would not have had otherwise, so you have to try to be positive. When she first went I was quite upset, but told myself that if you bring children up to be independent you can't complain when they are. It's important to develop a life of you own at home. We Skype
and email frequently, and she now comes home at Christmas. All I can advise is to adjust yourself to the situation and hope it will get better over the years.

Cotswold, I’m not certain but I think one is allowed 90 days a year just visiting the USA.
You could have two trips of 45 days each!

They could be back inside 5 years,wait and see how they settle....
I have one son living in Virginia,married an American,and 4 children now,so no chance he will ever return, another son worked in LA for 18 months but it didn’t ‘grab him’ and he came back, so you never know.

Be very very careful about moving there permanently. Get health insurance quotes , it is astronomically expensive, and as an OAP, could easily be well over a thousand pounds a month! Seriously!
FaceTime ( better than Skype) is free, and the next best thing. My son FaceTimes me, we prop our iPads up in kitchen and just carry on getting dinner,washing floor whatever! The kids run in and out, stop to chat, then run off again, I see them playing,everything. We can be on 2/3 hours. I ‘ go’ in the car with them to swimming lessons to watch, and baseball!

Take it month by month, funny how life pans out, unexpected twists and turns.
When babies come along,she (and partner) may crave grandmas and grandads around and tradition, and hotfoot back to Britain!
“There are two things we give our children, one is roots, the other is wings” ( hopefully so they fly back!! ?)

My older daughter is 40 minutes away. She contacts me if she needs her 4 year old picked up from school. I was doing that weekly , more often at first from nursery, but she never chats online and only replies to email or text or phone to arrange my help. Or a lift. Or if granddaughter, previously grandson, now 13, was off sick and she needed me so she could go to work. If yours is likely to chat online you might get more contact than I do!

My other daughter is a difficult hour and half drive away, 3 year old is in nursery all week and she works. I find the drive difficult. She does email and send photos and i see them every 3 or 4 weeks. But we certainly don't chat daily. If yours is closer you will be in more contact than many parents.

Dear Cotswoldslass, my heart goes out to you: I do understand your feelings. (Our DS (only child) & DiL have lived on the west coast of USA for well over 20 years. Their two children were born there, and they are now very much a "British-American" family.) Living in the USA is simply not an option for me & DH, so we've carried on and have made a very happy life here. Usually we see the family annually, and modern technology keeps us in regular touch. (I would be delighted if they lived anywhere in the UK - at least the travel costs would be very much less - but I know that this isn't going to happen!) I agree with Apricity & others - best to face this head on and be proud of your bright and independent DD.

Cotswoldlass Can you not look to visit maybe 2/3 times a year and just get to know the place better you may just change your mind with regarding retirement at a later date.
You must be so proud of your DD bringing her up knowing her own mind and where she wants to go in her life,I wish I had the chance when I was younger.
Both of my sons have shown interest in moving abroad with their jobs but nothing decided as long as I can feel I have done my job as their mum and brought them up to care for their families in the best way they can I feel I have acheived something worthwhile.

Roots and wings. You live in an area you like you have a social life and you will be able to go for holidays to visit your dd. Be proud that she has a free and independent spirit. You can still phone each other and skype. Don't let her see you are upset or it will take the excitement out of her adventure for her. Let her go with a smile and she will come back for visits. I know it is hard but you can do this for your dd.

My son, daughter in law and only grandchildren are in the USA. I see them every week on Skype or messenger, send them parcels sometimes and visit once a year if I possibly can. After I have seen them I feel so sad but I also know that they are very happy and have a good life which is so important to me that I think it outways the sadness. As others have said, think of the exciting new life for them....they may decide to return but you can plan wonderful visits and see how you feel in the future about moving there if they stay.

I am so sorry for you Cotswoldslass. I don't think I could put a brave face on that. I would be begging her to stay.

I await the flack.

My son told me a few weeks ago that he intends spending the rest of his life in Australia (where he was born) and I just about went into meltdown- even now, just thinking about it I'm crying as like you, he is my only child.
He also said that I could retire there - not too sure about that as I can see that I will be put in a unit and left !
I lived in Australia when I was married but have I think too many sad memories to really consider making it my home - will have my ex husband's family there, that I get on with but seriously always thought that I would end my life in the UK where my roots and family have always been.
I think that you need to just wait and see what happens. I suppose you could always spend the winter or at least part of it, in the US but then would have to consider what to do with your pets.
Just hope it helps for you to know that you are not alone in this situation !

It’s not the same but our daughter moved to Yorkshire which is 4 hours away so we only see her at Christmas and once in the Summer if we travel up. So she may as well be in California. My niece is in Canada and my brother sees her quite regularly as they holiday there a couple of times a year and she visits with grandchildren here a couple of times a year. I know it’s no consolation but you’ve raised the strong independent woman you wanted to, and it's their lives to make the most of - video calls on the phone or PC do help a lot. They may hate it and be back - I have another niece who hated LA and was back in a year.... so who knows! Just live YOUR life.

Hello and it’s totally normal to feel this way. I agree with much that has been posted. It is a great loss for you, having her so far away, but.....she may come back.....you may go out there.....and with technology, you can certainly speak to her just as regularly with free calls....look into that-it does ‘shrink’ distances. It sounds like you have a lovely life there-well, now is the chance to add another dimension to it by thinking about future visits to see your daughter. There are still lots of good times ahead-they may just be different to how you had though they would be. I also have an adult child and family who can’t stay put and the pain can be awful-it can also feel a bit like a rejection of your own company. It won’t always feel like this and you will start to feel better about it. In the short term, for support, you could try some Bach rescue remedy and, or, the homeopathic remedy Ignatia, which helps with the feeling of loss, both can be bought in a health food shop. Hold on-better times are ahead, even if it doesn’t feel like it now.

I'd be devastated too and my first reaction would be to up sticks and go with her! As others have said though, things can change. They might not settle or like it. It will be new and exciting for them at first, but when the newnes has worn off, it might be different. In these days of technology it's easy to keep in touch, even face to face. So as much as it will hurt, let her go on a new adventure, give it a couple of years and if they're well and truly settled, have another think about joining them. A house is only bricks and mortar and a roof over your head, and replaceable. Time and your daughter isn't x

I'm another with a DS 12 thousand miles away. We speak several times a week and enjoy their lives vacariously.
I think there were 70 photos yesterday!
They miss us as well so it isn't one sided.
We used to go out but can't fly now so rely on their visits here.
As soon as they are settled, you can plan to visit them.
Think of the fruit and sunshine!

It is hard for you. I felt very sorry for myself especially when the babies arrived. I knitted furiously!

Perhaps it may help to try to think of the distance differently? My DD1 lives three hours travelling away but it might just as well be three days. I see her and her family about twice a year for a few days at a time. Last time was when they came for a week at Easter and I expect they’ll come for a few days just before Christmas. Distance these days is more a case of time. With busy lives, both career, school and social they just can’t fit us in that often. But WhatsApp and Skype are wonderful, and we have random chats all the time via WhatsApp and its brought the family together.

A friend sees more of her son in New Zealand as she travels to stay with him for a couple of months each winter, enjoying the New Zealand summer. Perhaps you can do something similar? Dogs and cats are amazingly versatile at changing homes. I know of several cases where families are spread around the world where the dog/cat has a second home (even an occasional third in one case) where they live for a few months while their official owners are away. It doesn’t faze them at all.

I so relate to your heartache - been there and done that 6 years ago when DS and DIL (who was 5 months pregnant with their first child) emigrated to the other side of the world. It is devastating but you do get through it and well done for keeping your emotions in check when you can. There will be lots of tears (on your daughters part too) but once they have actually gone you will start to get on with your life - it sounds like you have built up a wonderful one in your dream home. I think the build up to the separation is actually worse than them going!

It does sound like they are going to great jobs and the US is a wonderful country but not somewhere I would want to move to permanently at our age particularly if you have health issues. It doesn't stop you travelling there though so plan to visit as soon as they are settled - California is only 14 hours away. Will they be there for Christmas? You could plan to go then.

Meanwhile make plans for yourself at home to keep busy with trips out with friends.

As others have said they may not settle and want to come home. My son is terribly homesick which is worrying as they now have 2 children and he's built up a good business over there so can't just up sticks and move back but they are coming over in Dec for Christmas so I'm sure your daughter will travel back when she can too.

Don't forget you can always come on GN to vent too

When my DD's husband got "the job offer of a lifetime" and they announced that they'd be moving 1,000km away I thought my heart would break. That was 6 months ago and really, it isn't as bad as I'd expected. We are in contact through Facetime, Messenger, emails. She sends random pictures of the children , and they ring us as well for a chat. We've been to see them twice already.

I'm sure that as time goes on you'll get used to "the new normal" and you'll be happy if she is happy over there. Visiting is easy these days , as is communication. Good luck !

Cotswoldlass, give yourself lots of credit for raising such a great daughter in difficult circumstances and for creating a lovely new life for yourself in the Cotswolds. Your daughter clearly inherited your spirit, determination and adaptability. Cherish that great relationship you have, look forward to visits, use technology to keep in contact and enjoy your hard won Cotswold life.

Whether your daughter stays in the US, returns to the U.K or lives somewhere else you will still have that positive loving relationship with her. Weep privately and then enjoy what you have worked so hard to create.

PS. I do understand as my son and his family live 16,000 kms away on the other side of the world. It's hard. ?

I don't have children overseas, but I am overseas from my dad and my sister. Can I suggest you get some really good technology.. There are forums like Facebook that do free video calls or things like Skype. Get someone to set it up for you. I know it's not the same as touching but, it gives you a window into their lives and helps you feel included and part of things.

Lots of good sound advice cotwoldslass but that’s no comfort I’m sure. Generations of people all,over the world have had to say goodbye to the ones they love. I’m not in that position but have good friends and family who are. It’s a new way of living now that’s required from you and I hope you have the people around you to help you make that transition. Look to how you can still be in their lives..Skype, email, old fashioned letters, video calls. Be kind to yourself and I wish you all you wish yourself.