DD (only child) going to live in California

Oh, I do understand how you feel. I've been struggling with a similar but less drastic situation in my family. It's had me in tears and feeling panicky inside.

Firstly, I'm with you on retiring to the US. I wouldn't want to either, especially with having a nice home and living in an area you love.

I have said to my DS that I'd rather he was in loving contact and on the other side of the world than round the corner and not speaking. Since your DD has suggested that you go to California, it sounds like she thinks she will miss you, too - which is good!!

Don't panic about it. They might not like it. If they do, they will, no doubt, come home to visit and you will be able to take some fantastic holidays. Or they might be happy there for a while but later the situation could change. In the meantime make full use of all the communication opportunites that modern technology allows.

Like me, you probably will still get upset from time to time but it might not turn out nearly as bad as you fear. In fact, your fear and imagination might be making you feel worse. Try to take a deep breath and go for the 'wait and see how it turns out' option.

I remember when my 2 children left home within a year of one another. Like you, I was totally heartbroken. I felt as if I had died inside. But things do change. When I was in my early 20s I went to work in Australia with no real plans. My parents had no idea if I would ever return. But after the initial excitement had worn off I longed for home and after a couple of years did return and have lived in England ever since. Prior to that I had moved a couple of times to various places in the UK but always came back as home had such a pull for me.

Your daughter sounds lovely but perhaps she just enjoys new challenges. Her stay in California may be just for a short while - perhaps a couple of years.

I know you love living where you are but is she your only child? If so, I know I would want to be near her so you could consider moving even though you love it where you are?

I have an English friend who has lived in California for 30 years but she only stays there because the money is so good. I think her heart is in England. Your daughter may well find that initially everything is brand new and interesting but after a while she may yearn for home.

So basically my message is don't concern yourself too much as yet as things can change. But, should she eventually decide that she is going to make her home there, you could seriously considering going there also. You could come back to England as often as you can afford.

In my opinion family is the most important thing. You have been through a lot particularly with the cancer treatment but it looks as if that is behind you. You will feel lost to start with - however fortunately we have the internet so we can communicate easily these days. You may find that after the initial excitement your daughter yearns for home and it is clear that you have a wonderful relationship so she will miss her Mum. I know those are the feelings I had when I was in Australia.

Going to live somewhere new is fine as long as you know you are going home but making it permanent is something I could never have really considered and your daughter may be the same.

I have never been to the USA and California sounds wonderful with its beaches and weather but there's nowhere like England. Your daughter needs a chance to experience this new opportunity but it may only be for a short while till the novelty wears off. Please do not become depressed, keep in touch on a daily basis, visit when you can and things will work out. My DH says Life Can Change In Seconds. He's not wrong.

I'm in a very different situation to you,my daughter is bedbound most of the time with multiple health isses.I would be thrilled and delighted if her health was well enough for her to go to any of the places she would like .

Be happy for her ,at least on the surface,you know the old thing about raising them and setting them free...do it ,cheerfully and she will always remember taht you didn't try to hold her back .You can visit and she can visit you and technology is brilliant for keeping in touch now so Skype her often .She might not like it and come back but if she doesn't at least you know she's happy and healthy .

Good post Septimia. You could plan to visit say twice a year if finances allow. In the meantime be pleased and proud how her life has turned out . Does she have children yet? I am glad you have your own interests and friends and pets too! This will all help enormously.

Thank you all for your positive comments and experience, reading them has really, really helped me to see the situation more clearly. Always helps when you have somebodies opinion, not connected, I know I will be reading through them in months to come when I have wobbles and they will help me. You ladies are amazing xx

It just proves what a good job you did bringing her up! She is independent and adventurous! [flower] for you it must be hard.

You keep your children close by letting them go - It is so much easier to keep in close contact with AC and DGC (should the time come) nowadays. With telephones, email, skype facebook. You can be in contact daily.

My father was in the army and we lived in the Far East for nearly 9 years. My widowed grandmother did not see us for years at a time with only letters as contact, yet my mother remained as close to her mother as she would have been had we stayed in Britain and I absolutely adored her and ached to see her when we were away. Let your children go and you will never lose them.

My daughter is 6000 miles away and has been for 15 years, Home 3 times. I've been to visit twice. This is no longer home, not really.

Yes, I miss her so much but we are in regular contact. I can do no more than to be glad she is happy and has a good life.
Sometimes I get a bit maudlin and wish visits could be more frequent.
My own life is good. But part of me is missing.
I do understand absolutely how you feel.

You have done a good job raising an independent child, that's what I tell myself.

Lots of good sound advice cotwoldslass but that’s no comfort I’m sure. Generations of people all,over the world have had to say goodbye to the ones they love. I’m not in that position but have good friends and family who are. It’s a new way of living now that’s required from you and I hope you have the people around you to help you make that transition. Look to how you can still be in their lives..Skype, email, old fashioned letters, video calls. Be kind to yourself and I wish you all you wish yourself.

I don't have children overseas, but I am overseas from my dad and my sister. Can I suggest you get some really good technology.. There are forums like Facebook that do free video calls or things like Skype. Get someone to set it up for you. I know it's not the same as touching but, it gives you a window into their lives and helps you feel included and part of things.

Cotswoldlass, give yourself lots of credit for raising such a great daughter in difficult circumstances and for creating a lovely new life for yourself in the Cotswolds. Your daughter clearly inherited your spirit, determination and adaptability. Cherish that great relationship you have, look forward to visits, use technology to keep in contact and enjoy your hard won Cotswold life.

Whether your daughter stays in the US, returns to the U.K or lives somewhere else you will still have that positive loving relationship with her. Weep privately and then enjoy what you have worked so hard to create.

PS. I do understand as my son and his family live 16,000 kms away on the other side of the world. It's hard. ?

When my DD's husband got "the job offer of a lifetime" and they announced that they'd be moving 1,000km away I thought my heart would break. That was 6 months ago and really, it isn't as bad as I'd expected. We are in contact through Facetime, Messenger, emails. She sends random pictures of the children , and they ring us as well for a chat. We've been to see them twice already.

I'm sure that as time goes on you'll get used to "the new normal" and you'll be happy if she is happy over there. Visiting is easy these days , as is communication. Good luck !

I so relate to your heartache - been there and done that 6 years ago when DS and DIL (who was 5 months pregnant with their first child) emigrated to the other side of the world. It is devastating but you do get through it and well done for keeping your emotions in check when you can. There will be lots of tears (on your daughters part too) but once they have actually gone you will start to get on with your life - it sounds like you have built up a wonderful one in your dream home. I think the build up to the separation is actually worse than them going!

It does sound like they are going to great jobs and the US is a wonderful country but not somewhere I would want to move to permanently at our age particularly if you have health issues. It doesn't stop you travelling there though so plan to visit as soon as they are settled - California is only 14 hours away. Will they be there for Christmas? You could plan to go then.

Meanwhile make plans for yourself at home to keep busy with trips out with friends.

As others have said they may not settle and want to come home. My son is terribly homesick which is worrying as they now have 2 children and he's built up a good business over there so can't just up sticks and move back but they are coming over in Dec for Christmas so I'm sure your daughter will travel back when she can too.

Don't forget you can always come on GN to vent too

Perhaps it may help to try to think of the distance differently? My DD1 lives three hours travelling away but it might just as well be three days. I see her and her family about twice a year for a few days at a time. Last time was when they came for a week at Easter and I expect they’ll come for a few days just before Christmas. Distance these days is more a case of time. With busy lives, both career, school and social they just can’t fit us in that often. But WhatsApp and Skype are wonderful, and we have random chats all the time via WhatsApp and its brought the family together.

A friend sees more of her son in New Zealand as she travels to stay with him for a couple of months each winter, enjoying the New Zealand summer. Perhaps you can do something similar? Dogs and cats are amazingly versatile at changing homes. I know of several cases where families are spread around the world where the dog/cat has a second home (even an occasional third in one case) where they live for a few months while their official owners are away. It doesn’t faze them at all.

I'm another with a DS 12 thousand miles away. We speak several times a week and enjoy their lives vacariously.
I think there were 70 photos yesterday!
They miss us as well so it isn't one sided.
We used to go out but can't fly now so rely on their visits here.
As soon as they are settled, you can plan to visit them.
Think of the fruit and sunshine!

It is hard for you. I felt very sorry for myself especially when the babies arrived. I knitted furiously!

I'd be devastated too and my first reaction would be to up sticks and go with her! As others have said though, things can change. They might not settle or like it. It will be new and exciting for them at first, but when the newnes has worn off, it might be different. In these days of technology it's easy to keep in touch, even face to face. So as much as it will hurt, let her go on a new adventure, give it a couple of years and if they're well and truly settled, have another think about joining them. A house is only bricks and mortar and a roof over your head, and replaceable. Time and your daughter isn't x

Hello and it’s totally normal to feel this way. I agree with much that has been posted. It is a great loss for you, having her so far away, but.....she may come back.....you may go out there.....and with technology, you can certainly speak to her just as regularly with free calls....look into that-it does ‘shrink’ distances. It sounds like you have a lovely life there-well, now is the chance to add another dimension to it by thinking about future visits to see your daughter. There are still lots of good times ahead-they may just be different to how you had though they would be. I also have an adult child and family who can’t stay put and the pain can be awful-it can also feel a bit like a rejection of your own company. It won’t always feel like this and you will start to feel better about it. In the short term, for support, you could try some Bach rescue remedy and, or, the homeopathic remedy Ignatia, which helps with the feeling of loss, both can be bought in a health food shop. Hold on-better times are ahead, even if it doesn’t feel like it now.

It’s not the same but our daughter moved to Yorkshire which is 4 hours away so we only see her at Christmas and once in the Summer if we travel up. So she may as well be in California. My niece is in Canada and my brother sees her quite regularly as they holiday there a couple of times a year and she visits with grandchildren here a couple of times a year. I know it’s no consolation but you’ve raised the strong independent woman you wanted to, and it's their lives to make the most of - video calls on the phone or PC do help a lot. They may hate it and be back - I have another niece who hated LA and was back in a year.... so who knows! Just live YOUR life.

My son told me a few weeks ago that he intends spending the rest of his life in Australia (where he was born) and I just about went into meltdown- even now, just thinking about it I'm crying as like you, he is my only child.
He also said that I could retire there - not too sure about that as I can see that I will be put in a unit and left !
I lived in Australia when I was married but have I think too many sad memories to really consider making it my home - will have my ex husband's family there, that I get on with but seriously always thought that I would end my life in the UK where my roots and family have always been.
I think that you need to just wait and see what happens. I suppose you could always spend the winter or at least part of it, in the US but then would have to consider what to do with your pets.
Just hope it helps for you to know that you are not alone in this situation !

I am so sorry for you Cotswoldslass. I don't think I could put a brave face on that. I would be begging her to stay.

I await the flack.

My son, daughter in law and only grandchildren are in the USA. I see them every week on Skype or messenger, send them parcels sometimes and visit once a year if I possibly can. After I have seen them I feel so sad but I also know that they are very happy and have a good life which is so important to me that I think it outways the sadness. As others have said, think of the exciting new life for them....they may decide to return but you can plan wonderful visits and see how you feel in the future about moving there if they stay.

Roots and wings. You live in an area you like you have a social life and you will be able to go for holidays to visit your dd. Be proud that she has a free and independent spirit. You can still phone each other and skype. Don't let her see you are upset or it will take the excitement out of her adventure for her. Let her go with a smile and she will come back for visits. I know it is hard but you can do this for your dd.

Cotswoldlass Can you not look to visit maybe 2/3 times a year and just get to know the place better you may just change your mind with regarding retirement at a later date.
You must be so proud of your DD bringing her up knowing her own mind and where she wants to go in her life,I wish I had the chance when I was younger.
Both of my sons have shown interest in moving abroad with their jobs but nothing decided as long as I can feel I have done my job as their mum and brought them up to care for their families in the best way they can I feel I have acheived something worthwhile.

Dear Cotswoldslass, my heart goes out to you: I do understand your feelings. (Our DS (only child) & DiL have lived on the west coast of USA for well over 20 years. Their two children were born there, and they are now very much a "British-American" family.) Living in the USA is simply not an option for me & DH, so we've carried on and have made a very happy life here. Usually we see the family annually, and modern technology keeps us in regular touch. (I would be delighted if they lived anywhere in the UK - at least the travel costs would be very much less - but I know that this isn't going to happen!) I agree with Apricity & others - best to face this head on and be proud of your bright and independent DD.