What to do?

Have you thought anout how devastated and embarrased he feels about being dismissed? A lot of men feel worthless without a job and that is likely why he lies and he knew how you would react. Maybe you two can work together and sort it all out. It is a scary thing for both of you but you are married and we all know that has its ups and downs. Not to be too blunt.

I'm feeling sorry for this man and I don't even know him. Losing a job is an immense thing to happen and often men feel it reflects on them on a very basic level.

Male pride is probably a reason for his telling lies. He may feel he has let you down.

You are not being unreasonable. He should have been honest with you, perhaps he was too embarrassed and worried about the consequences and by not telling you he was not really facing up to it.

The loss of a job is on the list of life's 'blows'....right up there with divorce, a move, death in the family etc. This is not the time for retribution even if you feel that the circumstances qualify.

Likely, he lied because he didn't want to let you down. If you do love him, be supportive for now because that's what he needs in order to get back on his feet.

My late DH did not exactly lie to me but I found out after his death at 66 that he was in much more debt than he ever let on. As a result I had to sell the family home quickly to pay off the outstanding mortgage ( had remortgaged twice without my knowledge) and other outstanding debts. The long term effect of this is that I now live in a one bedroom rented apartment as I did not have sufficient capital left to buy a property .Therefore I have no financial security and pray that I don’t have to find anywhere else to live.

Two points in the first instance.
1. YOU should be the one sleeping (or not) on the bed.
2. If the holiday is paid for, go by yourself. Take time to think about what you want without distraction.

Only you know if the marriage is worth the effort of rebuilding trust.
Is it feasible to downsize?
Don't leave yourself without provision for YOUR future by depleting funds YOU have worked for.

Riggie - this is true but I too thought it unlikely in this case.

Although the company gave reason for H dismissal, they had been aware of his behaviour, so why wait to be told by a' new comer'.Could this not have been nipped in the bud giving H a chance to change his attitude ?.
Maybe he has a past of 'hiding situations' that make him feel ashamed This can come from child hood experiences.
I can only suggest you work together by supporting and not blaming. Get professional help as one GN asks 'is he really such a bad guy?

trendygran - so sorry this happened to you. But assuming it was a joint mortgage how was he able to remortgage without your knowledge/signature.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wow! Thank you all so much for your replies - I am truly grateful to each and every one of you.
We talked until the small hours this morning - he told me things he's never mentioned before, as he was ashamed, it explained a lot. How he was beaten up (a lot, and badly) at school, even witnessed by his father, who berated him for not fighting back! He does struggle with self esteem (which is pretty much zero) but will do anything to help anyone, often at inconvenience to himself, but I suppose that's his way of making sure people like him?
I didn't think about how much men identify with their job/work, which I think is the case with him. He truly was mortified and understands the reasons why they got rid of him (but not the witch hunt that went on, according to his friend who still works there, and is horrified at how H has been treated).
He has signed up for some online counselling for his childhood issues - he says if he felt better about himself he might have felt more capable of challenging the work issues as they were ongoing, and would have felt braver about telling me what was going on. The counsellor will be ringing him tomorrow to see what he needs. He understands what he needs to do, and that he's the only one that can do it.
I have no worries about him taking my pension or money from the house etc - the reason for his previous money difficulties was a poorly paid job, he was still living at home, his father became very unwell and had a very small pension - so H stepped in and tried to provide for them. When I sorted that out for him, he had all his bank statements - no frivolous spending but a lot of stuff for his parents, to make their lives easier, and bills etc. His hours were also cut, which escalated matters.
He has also suggested marriage counselling if I think it would help - I'm certainly considering it.
He's also sent off for 40 jobs since the weekend and had several agencies reply to him - he has showed me everything and said he understands I have lost trust in him and why, and that he will do everything he can to regain it - although he knows its not going to happen in 5 minutes, if at all.
I'm still considering the holiday - yesterday I would have said it wasn't safe for me to be confined in the same room with him (for him, not me - he is not and would never be violent towards me!) I really need a holiday, and he told me today that he's arranged a class for me near the holiday home in a hobby that I like - a surprise for my birthday. He said he understands if I don't want to go, or go on my own, or stay at home, no pressure from him, it's whatever I want to do.
So, all in all, I think he realises he needs to make changes in his attitude at work, and to address problems in his childhood, and to work hard on regaining my trust. He said what an idiot he's been in keeping his dismissal from me, and that I could probably have helped him if he had mentioned to me when things started going wrong. He admitted he's not been happy there for about 3 years (company taken over, management changes, 50% staff level, pressurised work, shift changes so that allowances worth £5000 a year were removed) but didn't feel brave enough to look for another job better the devil you know, I think. Now that he has no choice, he's really throwing himself into the job hinting it and seems 100% happier in himself.
Thank you once again, lovely Gransnetters! I think I can see a future for us, which is a huge improvement on last weekend.

Very, very sorry for this horrible disruption to your peace of mind both financially and emotionally. I am sure you will draw on the resilience you have developed from the many trials you already seem to have been through. I wish you the very best as you rebuild your sense of stability.

Good luck with everything Chimera !!

My (ex !) husband was a compulsive liar. I paid his debts many times. He promised to change His boss found out he was defrauding the company and taking money. I stopped him being sacked. His salary was paid to me. He was a compulsive gambler also ….is your husband spending money on some kind of addiction such as gambling ? (easier to hide now its online !) ...has he any savings, or just debts ? ) Think very carefully before you bail him out again …..I had years of empty promises to change …..in the end he ran off with someone else ...who subsequently asked me why I hadn't told her he was a gambler ...lost their house, ended up in b & b, lost his job, …....better off without him ! good luck …..

I'm so pleased to read that your DH picked up the gauntlet and is running with it.
Clearing the air and making a fresh start with no secrets and some plans going forward sounds good and I'm sure that you feel it was worthwhile getting to this point, even though it was painful and you were angry.
I'm glad that the burden of guilt has been partially removed from your DH's shoulders and I'm convinced that he'll be a happier man than he ever was when he's on the road to recovery, emotionally and financially.
You too will reap the benefit of allowing him to admit his guilt and disappointing childhood.
I wish you both much future happiness and trust within a stronger marriage. ?

I think he sounds lovely and hope you can now move forward together now you have understanding of his past and his childhood We are all our childhood, poor man, so glad he’s got you
How thoughtful to book the hobby course for you I hope you both go on holiday and have a wonderful time together it’s probably just what you need
Your new post is so much more hopeful and understandable how great that he’s so open for counselling and looking for jobs Stick by him and help him through this difficult time I hope he gets a wonderful new job and you live happily ever after I truly do

He hasn't got any debts whatsoever now, they were cleared over 10 years ago from his own pocket, I just dealt with the companies. Our finances are sound, with an excellent credit record- we went to borrow some money to improve the house before I knew of his job situation - the building society officer actually commented on our lack of anything remotely bad on them - no going into the overdraft etc! He's got no secret gambling habit, smoking, drinking etc, money isn't a problem just yet - he has 3 months salary still to come. He had his first phone counselling assessment which he said he found painful at times, due to the questions being asked - but he said that's good as he needs to confront his problems and be more open and communicative with me and other people. He's also looking for a hobby so he can meet more people and widen his horizons a bit. He's been used to bottling everything up and never showing emotions from a young age, and never been encouraged to go out and socialize or join any clubs as a youngster either, or do anything for his own pleasure! Just school, then work, then home! So, all in all, I think I see some progress. I also detect a huge sense of relief on his part - mine too, now that I know he's willing to change and acting on it. Thank you all once again for your invaluable suggestions, comments and insight - you have been more helpful than you will ever know!

So - an update!

DH applied for many jobs and went on dozens of interviews before Christmas - but no luck in his usual field of work. The agencies were sending him for any job remotely like his old one - of course, he got nowhere. Didn't do much for his already fragile state of mind, but he plugged on - and with the online / phone counselling. He worked around the house too - no housework for me! Odd jobs that needing doing were done, garden was sorted etc.

In the meantime he decided not to pursue his old company for unfair dismissal - although he had a case. He just wanted to put it all behind him - can't say I blame him. It's since come to light they are trying the same tactics with another employee - but that's for them to sort out. His old team will be going, but by underhanded means.

His 3 months pay ran out so he took a temp job as a self employed delivery driver - long hours (not home until 8 - 9 at night), 6 days a week and his day off was in the week - until last week the last day we had off together was New Year's Day! Out in all weathers but he did it with no complaints at all - he said he would do whatever it took to keep paying the bills, and he did. He became one of their top employees, they wanted him to stay long term........

After Christmas he put his CV on LinkedIn - and had 3 companies contact him. Long story short, he started his new job last week - less money, but no shifts, 8, a half hour drive to work against the traffic (instead of 70 miles round trip, up to 2 hours on the M25) and a company that really cares about it's employees - very small but very friendly.

He's also starting the face to face counselling, his first appointment last week was cancelled, but just waiting on another appointment to come through. He knows that will be uncomfortable at times but wants to do it so he can improve himself and his relationships with others.

Things have improved greatly between us, he's become a bit more outgoing, although changing the habits of a lifetime when you have always been pushed in the corner and regarded as insignificant is hard for him! And it's nice having him home in the evenings and weekends - although I did use that time to become a Mrs Hinch fan - the house has never been cleaner or tidier and he's on board with that too.

When I wrote my original post I was very upset and full of despair - thank you to everyone who commented, it really helped me have some different perspective which is difficult when it's all happening right in front of you - not seeing the wood for the trees!

Thanks to you all we have a good future going forward, and I have tailored my expectations of where we go from here.
A happy ending - but one that we both have to keep working at.

Such good news Chimaera your husband has certainly stepped up and your future is much more hopeful now.
So pleased for you both.

Good news.?

Such lovely news to read, Chimaera. Very positive.
Onwards and upwards now! ?

Not Trivial and not unreasonable - such a worry for you! I suspect his pride and the vain hope that it wouldn't happen kept him from telling you. You need to really look at their reasons in case he can contest it. Could there be a possibility of unfair dismissal? Trust is an issue - there needs to be some deep and honest conversations between you. He needs to know it is not about the money so much - but he lack of Trust in you to understand or help. I do hope you can sort this out.

Ignore my last post - should have read to the end. So pleased for you!

What an excellent outcome! I didn't comment but I read the story.