What to do?

Definitely not being unreasonable, best wishes in sorting this out , make sure you look out for yourself now

You can shut your door on a thief but not to a liar. Look after yourself.

Nothing worse than lies and deceit, especially in a marriage as they never change. Just remain on your guard, though you can't do much else but be alert and see what happens. Take care.

Thank you all so much - that has helped to put my mind at rest a bit. Hes making all sorts if promises now about how he will change, how he will still get the money to get the work done on the house etc. At the moment I'm wracked with guilt at being severe and trying to sleep on the sofa (wide awake and with another 12 hour day ahead of me tomorrow) whilst he is snoring away upstairs - no guilty conscience there then!

Of course you re not being unreasonable it’s awful to be lied to and it s something that’s going to impinge greatly on your life and your marriage a big thing that has been kept from you in a way that it’s been, has caused you such a shock but just a little word to put things in perspective I would think he is so mortified, so ashamed and so afraid to tell you and like many people thinks if he kept quiet it would go away Think of all the people who put bills they can’t pay to the back of the pile hoping if they can’t see them then they don’t exist and the stories you hear of men going to ‘work’ each day long after they ve been sacked to keep up the pretence of a non existing job, bearing in mind your story about the lying to you at the start of your relationship this is obviously how he deals with things that are too big for him to solve .....hide them away from everyone including himself and hopefully they ll disappear He’s weak I m sorry to be blunt but that’s the truth as I see it
I m guessing you love this man so what is the way forward? presumably you want to stay with him so you will have to have a very clear talk with him and see if you can work together to find a way forward Do you think he has been dismissed unfairly or do you think he wasn’t very good at his job and probably deserved it if it’s the former go to CAB for professional help
He has needed ‘taking care’ of in the past so this is not really any different, you say you had to sort him out before so he’s just continue the way he started you are the stronger one in the relationship you have carried him before and have been lulled into thinking he’d changed but he hasn’t
If you want to stay together then you have yet again got to ‘manage him’ and sort out this disappointing situation
Good luck I hope you find a way forward

Take care of yourself is good advice, but if you want your marriage to survive you have to forgive and resume normal relations , you say that he moved in with you and that you retire soon, with a lump sum?. So despite lying about his dismissal through pride no doubt, do you still love him, only you can judge wether you trust him in future.

He is your husband if you do divorce he will get a share of the property and your pension too, at that time repairs to the house will seem a very small issue

I'm sure he has been under tremendous strain and dreaded you finding out. Please forgive him and help him sort his life out.

Your husband would have had at least two written warnings before he was dismissed - normal HR practice - so he has been hiding this from you and his dismissal was not such a shock to him. If he has been dismissed without these procedures then he needs to contact CAB. This may well have been preying on his mind since the first warning did you notice any change in his behaviour over the last 8 months? I do feel for you as you have put your trust in him and made plans based on continuing employment but I agree with BlueBelle, if you want to stay together then you need to manage the situation. I hope it all works out for you.

I hope this will be helpful. I would look at doing 2 things: Firstly, I would be off to marriage guidance counselling - there's a deeper issue here, that is: why did he not feel able to talk to you about what was happening? Why did he hide it? What did he think your reaction would be? Secondly, he needs to talk less and act more - and start actively looking for paid work (But what stopped him previously from looking for another job when he was so unhappy in his? What got in the way? What were his fears?) Sounds like there's a lot going on for him beneath the surface and until you dig it all out, and the communication between the pair of you improves, old patterns will keep coming back (no matter what he says). If he won't do any of this, then you really have to get some financial (and possibly legal) advice - maybe legally split your money; split the ownership of the house, etc. so that you're not left with debts. Good luck.

Well, just think why he lied - pride, fear, embarrassment. Was a fair dismissal? I’d be careful - he might be more fragile than you realise.

I'm sorry to read that you find yourself in such a position, financially as well as emotionally.
It appears that your OH is not good at being honest and open in varioys ways and you have routinely been 'the fixer', Ms dependable.
Is he waiting or hoping that you will come up with a plan?
Do you feel the weight of disappointment and the burden of his failings are impacting your trust in him?
If you feel able to forgive, then only do what you will not regret if it all goes pear-shaped.
What story will he tell a future employer as to why he was sacked from his last job, or will he hide the truth?
I think you will have to do only as much as you feel comfortable doing after insisting that frankness and total honesty must be paramount in any future job or conversations he has with you or anyone else.
I doubt you could trust his word ever again but only you know that.
I hope a happy conclusion can be arrived at and send you my best wishes.

PS And if he does start to open up to you about all this make sure you stop yourself from arguing with him (he's talking about his feelings (it's not necessarily "the facts") and don't use the "yes, but ... " phrase, which negates everything he's just said. Softly, softly ...

varioys various

No advice, just sympathy for the truly awful position you're in. I really hope things work out.

He probably didn't want to talk about it, many men are like that. But it would have been more honest to tell you the facts then just assertively say "Sorry but I am not going to discuss it". After all you should be informed if a material change is about to happen to your household.

As others have said, you need to think of yourself at this time, and considering his past history, think if you want to actually stay with this man ?
Marriage guidance might be a help, but there is often a waiting list for this in some areas. Go to CAB to see what benefits (if any) your husband will be entitled to. I have a horrible feeling that as he was dismissed, he will not be entitled to much and anyway, it takes up to 6 weeks for any Universal Credit claim to be paid out.
Finding another job, unless possibly in a different job role, will not be as easy as your husband thinks and it sounds as if a complete change of job would not be a bad idea!
Might be an idea if you had that holiday on your own to give you some breathing space and decide your own future too, without the pressure from your husband.

Granniebetty not necessarily. A person can be dismissed instantly for gross misconduct. (I suspect that wasnt the case here though).

I never understood the 'I earned this money/pension, it's mine' business. If you're a couple, it belongs to both of you.

I would certainly do as Jaylucy says and go on holiday on your own and get your thoughts together,at least you would be sleeping on a bed and not the sofa,please explain why you are sleeping on the sofa and your husband in your bed.?

Having been with a professional liar for many years I don’t think you are being unreasonable. With regard to yourself - will you be able to trust him again? If so and you are prepared to accept the (financial) implication of staying together there is your answer. If you don’t think you are able to trust him then only you can decide how you want to live.............

Men do keep things to themselves. It's the 'Men are from Mars thing'.

I think what you need to do at the moment is reassure him. He is probably going through hell. Show him a bit of love and kindness. You are in this together. Don't make it all about you.

There seems to be a history of this type of deceit with your husband Chimaera I would be looking very carefully at how I handled a future with him. I understand he may have felt embarrassed or upset about losing his job but he should have felt able to tell you.
Could one of you go on the holiday for a few days and the other stay at home to give you some breathing space and time for reflection. You could meet up for a couple of days then to talk things through.
There are wider issues to think of than just the loss of his job.

Hm999 ... this is a wonderful concept if you are both honest with money and have the same values/morals. I went into my 2nd marriage with this ideal and was taken to the cleaners by a spoilt rich man who spent money like water. It’s taken me years to get back where I am today and I would always advise anyone to always tread carefully, there are so many dishonest gold diggers out there.

I am so sorry you found out the way you did and have been put in this position. You say he lied or kept hidden his debt at the beginning of the relationship have there been other times as well? I can see how he felt ashamed and probably shocked at what has happened. Possibly he hoped to find another job before telling you? It is a shame he felt unable to tell you what was happening perhaps he hoped to shield you? If he is a serial liar then you must take a different view of things. Sorry probably not being helpful, you have every right to be shocked but is he really such a bad guy?